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Boise State Football: Blue Field With All-Orange Uniforms Causing Eye-Problems!

BOISE, ID - NOVEMBER 19:  Kellen Moore #11 of the Boise State Broncos throws a long pass over Anthony Williams #91 of the Fresno State Bulldogs at Bronco Stadium on November 19, 2010 in Boise, Idaho.  (Photo by Otto Kitsinger III/Getty Images)
Otto Kitsinger III/Getty Images
Phil CaldwellCorrespondent IIINovember 20, 2010

Last night, Friday night, I was here midst my chips and dip, in my living room with my big screen projector and darling canine compatriot, watching in high def, the obscure Fresno State watcha-macall-ums getting mutilated by the Fighting Bucking Broncos of Boise State. 

It was at that point that I came to a monumental and rational conclusion about this title game noise that Boise State fans have been clamoring about for the past several months.

Boise State should never be given a BCS title shot.  Ever.  Or at least not until they get rid of those disgusting diarrhea-inducing uniforms and that pathetic ugly blue shiny field with the orange end zones.  It’s enough to kill squirrels, flying insects and local road rodents.  

I cannot believe I am saying this, but watching your team on television made me yearn wistfully for a game involving the Oregon Ducks and their well thought color combinations.

Oregon, a school where the sight-challenged routinely pick their gaming outfits, looks like a black tie James Bond date with a hot babe, compared to this steel-melting color scheme of Boise State! 

Just who was the nimrod that came up with this nightmare?!?

First of all, the color orange should never be the feature color on any uniform, especially when it's flat pale lightish-orange. Any team dumb enough to wear the color publicly should be maimed and polled. With sharp pointy stakes, not the kind with phone surveyors asking annoying questions.

BOISE, ID - NOVEMBER 19:  The Boise State Broncos celebrate after a touchdown against the Fresno State Bulldogs at Bronco Stadium on November 19, 2010 in Boise, Idaho.  (Photo by Otto Kitsinger III/Getty Images)
Otto Kitsinger III/Getty Images

Especially when you have matching pants with a little blue ribbon thing across the rear end!  Like a threaded tramp stamp.

Did you guys really think this out?   You’re telling me that after months of meetings with Mad Men advertising executives in tall New York skyscrapers, during mid-day gatherings with smoking, drinking and wanton carousing, THIS was what you came up with?!?

Expensive media associates advised you to wear this kind of debauchery, to attract the multitude of channel surfers who otherwise would have landed on a World Wrestling match with big tattooed monolith guys fighting donkeys?  Seriously? 

I’m thinking you could not have done that.  Or at least not with any actual employed greasy-haired professional uniform designer.

If it were up to me, not only would Boise State be forbidden to participate in the national championship football game, but you would be banned from ever appearing on any television or radio broadcast ever again. In fact I might even lobby the NCAA to have your football program disbanded. Nobody this ugly should be allowed to play our national pastime.

That blue field is helping the terrorists recruit.

And those uniforms give me nose bleeds and ulcers just thinking about it! 

Several years ago when you played the equally hated Oklahoma Sooners in the Fiesta Bowl, you showed up with uniforms that were actually not horrendously terrible. Remember? THE play?

You had orange shiny pants. White game jerseys. Blue metallic helmets. Ok, certainly not a candidate for glamour awards, but modestly passable since we were able to enjoy a game played on a normal green field that emulated actual grass. Without having to wear sunglasses at night.      

Then this year, for the first time really, when I watched your team play on television (after all, you play in the WAC, a league more known for hay infested halftime shows involving farm animals doing tricks, than stellar football). And in this game, a home game for you, you wore all-blue uniforms on that stupid vomit-inducing blue field. And neither I nor any of my neighbors have ever seen true again, color-blinded were we.   

It was like trying to spot an enemy combatant late in the dark with night vision goggles. You could barely make out the blue ghost-like shadows off in the distance, like some sort of spooky haunted house thing on the History Channel. 

Which is great for Boise State's scheme, but terrible for television.  If viewers can't see your team, most will channel flip to something less obnoxious!  How is this helping the football program?

What I’m saying Boise State, is if you ever want to be respected by the media, then lose the field. It was real cute and fun at first, but now it' just gotten annoying. Get green grass for crying out loud. Change your school colors. Something pastel and pretty, please.

We television viewers don’t like disgusting and abnormal cannibalistic color combinations on football teams!  Are you listening to me, Oregon State, Miami and California? 

We like bland and pretty. All same-color uniforms are not, nor will they ever be, pretty. All orange outfits should never be tolerated anywhere, least of which is on TV!  Ever.

You want my vote for a BCS national championship game spot? Fine. 

Then get rid of that horrendous blue field and for love of gawd, never again ever be seen in flat orange pants with flat orange jerseys on the same day!

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