Mizzou Offense goes for the Gold

Matt ThielSenior Analyst IAugust 19, 2008

The Olympics are full-on, and got me thinking; which Mizzou football players would be good in Olympic sports?

O-Line: Shot Put…These guys are big and strong, they look like they belong in the strongest man contest or working for a moving company. They have to be to throw a 16-pound ball 60 feet or so. I don’t even use a 16-pound bowling ball; my little girl arms can only handle 12 or 14. I don’t know how Big Head does it; 16 pounds is only half his melon-head weight. Plus to throw this damn thing 60 feet. By the time I run 60 feet, I need to take two breaks and eat a bag of gummy worms. USA: Mizzou's own Christian Cantwell 21.09 meters Silver

TE: Chase Coffman: Water polo…These guys are pure strength and stamina. They tread water nonstop. They are not allowed to touch the bottom or hold on to the side of the pool. I think after 10 minutes of this, I would need David Hasselhoff to come save me…wait, let’s go with Pam Anderson pre-STD’s. Sometimes they are fighting for position and sometimes they are using breakaway speed. Same for Coffman, who battles with some of the best pass rushers and sometimes is catching the ball and trying to break away from defenders.

WR: Jared Perry: Table Tennis…This game is normally played by frat guys who have cups of beer on the back corners; of course I am talking about the great sport of Beer Pong. In the Olympics, however, some of these guys hit the ball so fast that they have to have great reaction time. The ball coming in fast is what Perry has to get ready to do. He will get the ball in the middle with lots of quick slants. Speaking of slants, the Chinese are favored to win this event every time. Yeah, I went there.

WR: Tommy Saunders: Badminton…Just like a wide receiver, this sport takes stamina, agility, strength, speed, and precision. Of course, these are the same abilities fellow Mizzourah writer Shawn uses at Golden Corral. They have to adjust to both fast and finesse shots. Just like catching a pass from No. 10, you have to be ready for both. Plus, just like I tell Miss Sleezy in the bedroom; get ready for my shuttlecock. But unlike in the Olympics, they usually point and laugh afterwards.

WR: Jeremy Maclin: 100m…No question here. There isn't a better fit for this event with Maclin. He is always the fastest man on the field and is the best all-around athlete on Mizzou. Just like Usain Bolt of Jamaica, nicknamed Lightning, when he gets in the open field he might as well celebrate 20 yards from the end zone, because it’s over. I wonder if Maclin is from Jamaica, because he’s Jamaican me believe in a National Championship. USA: Walter Dix ran 100m in 9.91 seconds Bronze.

HB: Derrick Washington: Gymnastics…He has to master these skills to be a great runner. For the vault he will have to jump over the big bodies to get into the end zone. Balance beam is for staying on his feet, he will have to break tackles and take a few hits but needs to keep moving forward. Uneven bars, sometimes you have to run high and sometimes has to get low. Floor event is Washington putting it all together. I watched the girls last Thursday night and they did great. Sure I could have done more manly things like working on my car or playing rock band, but I got caught up in it. USA: Nastia Liukin Gold (age 18) and Shawn Johnson Silver (age 15). To prove I am not totally gay, Alicia Sacramone (age 20) did not medal but is Hizzot!!!

QB: Chase Daniel: Swimming…The leader of this team has to be the event that gave us more gold medals than any other. Now, I am not sure Chase is Phelps-like, but in my biased eyes he is. He gives us hope and makes Mizzou Nation believe that we can do the impossible this season. Sometimes he looks so dominant, and sometimes he makes you hold your breath like Phelps did for his seventh gold, only winning by .01 seconds. The only person with a bigger man crush is Big Head, who sleeps in his No. 10 jersey.