LSU's Les Miles: Wins and Career With Tigers Not Based on Luck

Jonathan KelleyCorrespondent IOctober 7, 2010

BATON ROUGE, LA - SEPTEMBER 25:  Head coach Les Miles of the Louisiana State University Tigers cheers during pregame before playing the West Virginia Mountaineers at Tiger Stadium on September 25, 2010 in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  The Tigers defeated the Mountaineers 20-14.  (Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)
Chris Graythen/Getty Images

Most experts and fans seem to believe that the only reason Les Miles continues to win is because he is lucky.

I simply refuse to believe this. To prove it is not luck, I did a little digging.

It was hard work, but thanks to some "lucky" breaks, I discovered some shocking reasons as to why Les Miles continues to win.

The Hat: It has come to my attention that Les Miles’ hat is none other than the magical hat that brought Frosty the Snowman to life.

This can be evidenced in the strong comparison of speech patterns between Les and Frosty, as well as overall IQ.

However, unlike Frosty, this hat did not bring Les Miles to life. It merely gave his coaching career extended life far beyond what science and reasoning can explain.

The Coaches Drawing: In what has to be a worldwide exclusive, I have discovered a secret meeting at SEC media days between all the coaches in the SEC.

The purpose of this meeting is a drawing that each coach sans the LSU one must participate in.

The three losers of this drawing must intentionally lose to Les Miles inexplicably in order to allow him to keep his job.

One anonymous source told me that the drawing was created to avoid the ACLU from suing the SEC on Miles' behalf, should LSU fire him.

When asked why this might happen, my source said, “I’m not sure on all the details, but it has something to do with protection of the rights of persons who suffer from mental disabilities, and that since Les is retarded, Mike fears there may be serious fallout should he be fired."

The Source continued with "None of us want to lose, and sometimes it is hard to lose even when we try just look at what Dooley had to do by putting 13 on the field. I'm telling you, it's hard to lose to an idiot.”

Government Help and Stimulus: A source from within the university has confirmed that, during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Les Miles and LSU received compensation from FEMA.

This compensation was a guarantee from the government that any state school from outside the SEC in the regular season would be forced to lose to LSU, or lose government funding.  

This same source also confirmed that Les Miles' salary is part of a stimulus package for the state of Louisiana, and that firing him would result in forfeiture of all stimulus money.

The school is, however, working with the government to remove Crowton from the terms of the agreement.

Voodoo Curse:  I sent a query to the New Orleans Voodoo Society, inquiring if they had anything to do with the Les Miles situation. In response, I received this statement.

From the desk of Witch Dr. Phigeauxdeaux:

Les Miles is indeed the product of curse I have placed on the city of New Orleans and the state of Louisiana. I chose to curse LSU, instead of the Saints, for fear of reprimand from other witchdoctors who love the Saints too dearly.

In response as to why I would curse LSU, New Orleans, and Louisiana, it is my response to the reelection of New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. I decided that one great act of stupidity by the city and the state should be represented nationally by another act of stupidity in Les Miles.


WitchDr. Phigeauxdeaux

WHO DAT! WHO DAT! Say they gonna beat them Saints!

Contract with the Devil:  Thanks in large part to the Freedom Of Information Act, I finally have proof that Les Miles does indeed have a contract with the Devil.

According to the documents obtained from Hell’s contract division headquarters, located in Washington D.C. adjacent to Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton’s office, Les Miles was guaranteed a national title and enough wins yearly to keep his job and salary.

The contract does not, however, disclose what the Devil receives in return. But according to a person in Miles’ agent's office, Miles had compromising photos of the Devil with Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton.

This still is yet to be confirmed, but I feel confident that such photos exist.

So there you have it, folks. Thanks to some fine investigative journalism, we now have confirmation that it is not purely luck that allows Les Miles to win.

On a final note, I would also like to report that I found no truth to rumor that Les Miles is holding a leprechaun hostage in exchange for luck under his hat.


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