The Lances, McGwires, and Other Liars

What a week!

We had Mark McGwire finally admit what everyone knew: Big Mac's career was aided by performance enhancing drugs. Then we had him claim it was not, even though he took them.

We had Pete Carroll go from professional football in Southern California to a team that has not won as many games in its last two seasons as USC did in Carroll's worst since his inaugural run. This franchise is such a mess that former coach and general manager Mike Holmgren apparently turned down a chance to become its GM to go to the Cleveland Browns.

We heard many big names as potential replacements for him, including current and former NFL coaches. But in a stunning turn of events, USC hired the man that Al Davis called Lance upon hiring him before firing him less than two years later, outlining many grievances and in the process calling him a liar.

But Davis, one of the most clueless people in the NFL, has gone through five coaches in seven years, all of which have seen his team finish with 11 or more losses (an NFL record). This week we found out he cannot make his mind up on whether to go through another, even though he has had so many coaches pass on the job in that time, including Bobby "Grass is Greener" Patrino! (Keep what you have, Al—you are not going to do better.)

Not too many people could make Davis look good, but Kiffin has. Tennessee went through an entire off-season dealing with so many minor violations and false accusations directed at Urban Meyer alone by their new hire that he looks a bigger fool than Davis.

The Volunteers have to be glad that USC made the stunning decision to take him off their hands after he went 7-6, raising his record as a head coach to 12-21. Granted, 5-15 with the Raiders is about par for the course, but what has he done to get the second-most coveted job in NCAA football? (Sorry, Notre Dame fans—not even sure the Golden Dome is third at this point.)

And anyone who believes Carroll did not leave because he knows there is a good chance the program is going to face sanctions for the rent-free house provided to Reggie Bush's family and the other perks being thrown around, raise your hand. Keep your hands up if you also believe him that there was no friction between he and Athletic Director Mike Garrett.

If your hand is still up, you should be sterilized, have your right to vote, own a gun, and drive taken away. If you believe even one of those claims, you are incredibly naive.

But at least these lies are posturing, public relations, and persuasion. A lot of people are chalking McGwire's up to pride, but I am not buying that.

Let me count the inconsistencies in McGwire's story:

1. He obviously got bigger and his home run production went up during that time, but they did not help him hit any additional home runs. Then why did you call the Maris family to tell them you had cheated? And why did you admit that they have a right to believe that Maris' record is still the legitimate one?
2. He claims that no drug could give him the hand-eye coordination to hit more home runs. Fine, but are you saying that a 160-pound man with better hand-eye coordination than an artificially-beefed up behemoth half-again his size will hit more home runs?
3. He says he took steroids to stay healthy, but the timeline in which he admits taking them was his most injury-prone.
   
4. If they did not help you stay healthy or hit more home runs, then why on earth would you take them?
5. He could not even say that he would have been hurt even more had he not taken them, but let's say that is the case: If nothing else, would it not help you hit more home runs of the drugs did help you stay in the lineup?
6. He said he regretted playing in the steroid era as though he was a victim, as though other users' accomplishments cast a shadow on his own. So if you think your numbers were not helped by steroids, are you seriously trying to tell us others' were? Or are you trying to tell us that all the numbers are legitimate but will not be perceived that way?
   

Mark, I can tell you why we feel that way: Eight of the top 15 home run hitters of all-time played in the steroid era, even though four are still active. Six of the eight are directly linked to the drugs, the weakest being the former face of the drug, Bonds. (He only admitted he may have unknowingly taken the "cream" and "clear"—anyone believing that, well, see the Carroll comment above.)

In fact, legend has it that his record chase with fellow-user Sammy Sosa was the impetus for Baroid Bonds deciding he was going to take them. The two may well have been negative role models for a lot of players.

I wonder if chicks still dig the long ball, especially after what steroids reportedly do to a man...