In honor of Georgia RB Knowshon Moreno, I decided to compile a list of the most ingeniously crafted names in college football.
You couldn’t even imagine how many gems I came across. Let’s just hope these players don’t Google themselves and run into this post.
To those of you on the list—I kid because I love. You’re all awesome football players.
I’d rather not have LeQuantum McDonald threatening to eat me.
And a note to parents: Try not to be drunk in the delivery room next time!
Now, on to the names...
It’s Their Last Name, They Couldn’t Help It!
Tez Doolittle, Auburn
Keith Toogood, Texas Tech – “Man, I’m too good to play quarterback; I’d rather be a kicker.”
Ryan Allgood, Oklahoma
Nick Bigrigg, Kent State – Unfortunately, his career path seems to already be chosen for him.
Hunter Teafatiller, Nebraska – Last I checked, there was no such thing as a “tea fat tiller.” But I’ve been surprised before—Stanford beat USC, Appalachian State beat Michigan, Kansas could play in the national championship game, and pigs are also flying.
Absurdly Long Names, Perhaps Inspired by Antidisestablishmentarianism
Romeen Abdollmohammadi, Washington State
Max Opamuratawongse, Wake Forest
Grlenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims, Alabama – Chief Kickingstallionsims for short. He’s a basketball player, I know. But did you really think I’d miss the opportunity to put this name in?
Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, Navy
No Need for Words
De’Cody Fagg, Florida State
Jerrod Gooch, Texas Tech
Kyle Sackrider, Michigan State
Of the Royal Family
King Dunlap, Auburn
Prince Kwateng, Northwestern
Justin McQueen, Texas A&M
Duke Robinson, Oklahoma
LaReylle Cunningham, Cal – Maybe I’m reaching here, but La Rey is similar to El Rey, which means "king" in Spanish.
Address Me as Sir or Mister!
Sir Darean Adams, Mich. St.
Mister Simpson, Cincinnati transfer
Mister Alexander, Florida State
Names That Forced Them into Playing a Violent Sport
Percy Harvin, Florida
Shelley Smith, Colorado State
Shannon Woods, Texas Tech
Socrates Zacharias, Carnegie Mellon
Knowledge Timmons, Penn State
LeQuantum McDonald, Baylor – Famous for his studies of the intricacies of LeQuantum physics.
Rameses Arceo, Kansas
Parents Just Having a Little Fun
Lucious Pusey, Eastern Illinois – To his credit, he is now known as “Lucius Seymour.” You’d change your name too.
BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Ole Miss – Why have two names when you can have four?
Nurse: “And what do you want to name your new baby?”
Mother: [woozy from painkillers and slurring her words] “Sean.”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Mother: “NO. Sean.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Mother: “Yes, dammit!”
Nurse: “Shit, lady. Whatever you want, I just work here. Knowshon it is.”
Jermichael Finley, Texas – “Michael Finley is already taken, so let’s go with Jermichael Finley. It’s got a nice ring to it.”
Foswhitt Whittaker, Texas – I hope for his sake his nickname wasn’t “Whitt Whitt”
Zaire Kitchen, Rutgers – African pride is a good thing. But Zaire Kitchen? Not so sure.
Delashaun Dean, Arizona – A tribute to De La Soul? Meet De La Shaun.
LonZell Hill, Washington
Grammatically Puzzling for English Teachers around the US
Andre’ Woodson, Kentucky – Grammatically, the apostrophe at the end of Andre’ Woodson’s name means he owns everything. That’s sure to boost the ego a little bit. Growing up, he may have had a few problems sharing with the other kids. Maybe he should read Little T Learns to Share.
Co-Eric Riley, Mississippi State – When Co-Eric was growing up, how did any teacher explain to him that he wasn't his own man? He isn’t just Eric; Co-Eric has to share his name with another lost soul. Co-Eric won't be his own man until he finds that other Co-Eric. And until that day, Mississippi State will forever be damned.
Sen'Derrick Marks, Auburn – Okay, it's one thing to start putting prefixes like De- or La- before a person’s name. It might even be cool to put a D’ every now and then. But how in the world do you explain adding Sen’, Al’, Cha’, or Syd’?!
This isn't how the apostrophe was intended to be used…
Al’Darius Thompson, Oklahoma State
Syd’Quan Thompson, Cal
Cha’pelle Brown, Colorado
Sa’Coby Carter, Middle Tennessee State
Paul ‘Unga, Arizona State – I tried not to poke fun at Hawaiian or Samoan names that are littered with extra punctuations and the like, but I couldn’t ignore these two. With the apostrophe at the beginning of his last name, I ask, what is Unga short for?
Daniel Te’o-Nesheim, Washington
J Leman, Illinois
Xzavier Stewart, Kansas State – Phonetically, this makes perfect sense.
Quintessential Southern Stereotype Names
Jim Bob Cooter, Tennessee
Joe Jon Finley, Oklahoma
John David Booty, USC
John David Weed, Baylor
Ray Ray McElrathbey, Clemson – This guy is actually a great person and takes care of his younger brother while going to school and playing Division I football. But his name is Ray Ray.
Named After Someone or Something
Christian Okoye, Tulane – This is actually the son of “The Nigerian Nightmare” Christian Okoye, the bruising running back for the Kansas City Chiefs. Okoye is probably best known for his Tecmo Super Bowl prowess. The name Okoye in Nigerian means “blessed on Sundays” (seriously!). Unfortunately for the son, Tulane plays its games on Saturdays, thus rendering the younger Christian a mere mortal.
Nick Cannon, Tulane – “Daddy, Nick Cannon is hilarious.”
Evander Holyfield, Auburn
Joe Girardi, Miami
Michael McDonald, USC
Richie Rich, UNC
Colin Ferrell, Kent State
Jimmy Johns, Alabama – Jimmy Johns must’ve dined on too many Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches over the summer, because the once prodigious heir to Ken Darby has been relegated to the bench.
Maserati Jemison, Arizona State – Arizona State is pretty much playing like a Maserati right now, while its rival Arizona is playing more like a Kia Sephia.
Jordan White-Frisbee, Washington
Ziggy Hood, Missouri
Aptly Named Position Players
Reggie Corner, Cornerback, Akron
Brit Barefoot, Kicker, Southern Miss
I once played high school football against a guy named Stephen Hitch. Fittingly, he was a quarterback, and all he did was throw hitches.
The Name of All Names
I-Perfection Harris, Georgia Tech – I-Perfection is short for Immaculate Perfection. And to top it off, his brother’s name is Supreme Justice.
Damn, that’s what I was going to name my child…