In honor of Georgia RB Knowshon Moreno, I decided to compile a list of the most ingeniously-crafted names in college football.
You couldn’t even imagine how many gems I came across. Let’s just hope these players don’t Google themselves and run into this post.
To those of you on the list—I kid because I love. You’re all awesome football players.
I’d rather not have LeQuantum McDonald threatening to eat me.
And a note to parents: Try not to be drunk in the delivery room next time!
Now, onto the names...
It’s Their Last Name, They Couldn’t Help It!
Tez Doolittle, Auburn
Keith Toogood, Texas Tech – “Man, I’m too good to play quarterback; I’d rather be a kicker.”
Ryan Allgood, Oklahoma
Nick Bigrigg, Kent State – Unfortunately, his career path seems to already be chosen for him.
Hunter Teafatiller, Nebraska – Last I checked, there was no such thing as a “tea fat tiller.” But I’ve been surprised before—Stanford beat USC, Appalachian State beat Michigan, Kansas could play in the national championship game, and pigs are also flying.
Absurdly Long Names, Perhaps Inspired by Antidisestablishmentarianism
Romeen Abdollmohammadi, Washington State
Max Opamuratawongse, Wake Forest
Grlenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims, Alabama – Chief Kickingstallionsims for short. He’s a basketball player, I know. But did you really think I’d miss the opportunity to put this name in?
Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, Navy
No Need for Words
De’Cody Fagg, Florida State
Jerrod Gooch, Texas Tech
Kyle Sackrider, Michigan State
Of the Royal Family
King Dunlap, Auburn
Prince Kwateng, Northwestern
Justin McQueen, Texas A&M
Duke Robinson, Oklahoma
LaReylle Cunningham, Cal – Maybe I’m reaching here, but La Rey is similar to El Rey, which means "king" in Spanish.
Address Me as Sir or Mister!
Sir Darean Adams, Mich. St.
Mister Simpson, Cincinnati transfer
Mister Alexander, Florida State
Names That Forced Them into Playing a Violent Sport
Percy Harvin, Florida
Shelley Smith, Colorado State
Shannon Woods, Texas Tech
Great Philosophers
Socrates Zacharias, Carnegie Mellon
Knowledge Timmons, Penn State
LeQuantum McDonald, Baylor – Famous for his studies of the intricacies of LeQuantum physics.
Rameses Arceo, Kansas
Parents Just Having a Little Fun
Lucious Pusey, Eastern Illinois – To his credit, he is now known as “Lucius Seymour.” You’d change your name too.
BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Ole Miss – Why have two names when you can have four?
Knowshon Moreno, Georgia – From the blog Charlie Weis and the Chocolate Factory, what really happened when Knowshon was born:
Nurse: “And what do you want to name your new baby?”Mother: [woozy from painkillers and slurring her words] “Sean.”Nurse: “Shane?”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Nurse: “Shaw?”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Nurse: “Knowshon?”
Mother: “NO. Sean.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Mother: “Yes, dammit!”
Nurse: “Shit, lady. Whatever you want, I just work here. Knowshon it is.”
Jermichael Finley, Texas – “Michael Finley is already taken, so let’s go with Jermichael Finley. It’s got a nice ring to it.”
Foswhitt Whittaker, Texas – I hope for his sake his nickname wasn’t “Whitt Whitt”
Zaire Kitchen, Rutgers – African pride is a good thing. But Zaire Kitchen? Not so sure.
Delashaun Dean, Arizona – A tribute to De La Soul? Meet De La Shaun.
LonZell Hill, Washington
Grammatically Puzzling for English Teachers around the US
Andre’ Woodson, Kentucky – Grammatically, the apostrophe at the end of Andre’ Woodson’s name means he owns everything. That’s sure to boost the ego a little bit. Growing up, he may have had a few problems sharing with the other kids. Maybe he should read Little T Learns to Share.
Co-Eric Riley, Mississippi State – When Co-Eric was growing up, how did any teacher explain to him that he wasn't his own man? He isn’t just Eric; Co-Eric has to share his name with another lost soul. Co-Eric won't be his own man until he finds that other Co-Eric. And until that day, Mississippi State will forever be damned.
Sen'Derrick Marks, Auburn – Okay, it's one thing to start putting prefixes like De- or La- before a person’s name. It might even be cool to put a D’ every now and then. But how in the world do you explain adding Sen’, Al’, Cha’, or Syd’?!
This isn't how the apostrophe was intended to be used…
Al’Darius Thompson, Oklahoma State
Syd’Quan Thompson, Cal
Cha’pelle Brown, Colorado
Sa’Coby Carter, Middle Tennessee State
Paul ‘Unga, Arizona State – I tried not to poke fun at Hawaiian or Samoan names that are littered with extra punctuations and the like, but I couldn’t ignore these two. With the apostrophe at the beginning of his last name, I ask, what is Unga short for?
Daniel Te’o-Nesheim, Washington
J Leman, Illinois
Xxavier Carter, Stanford – If he just had one more X, Carter would be the real life Ice Cube.
Xzavier Stewart, Kansas State – Phonetically, this makes perfect sense.
Quintessential Southern Stereotype Names
Jim Bob Cooter, Tennessee
Joe Jon Finley, Oklahoma
John David Booty, USC
John David Weed, Baylor
Ray Ray McElrathbey, Clemson – This guy is actually a great person and takes care of his younger brother while going to school and playing Division I football. But his name is Ray Ray.
Named After Someone or Something
Christian Okoye, Tulane – This is actually the son of “The Nigerian Nightmare” Christian Okoye, the bruising running back for the Kansas City Chiefs. Okoye is probably best known for his Tecmo Super Bowl prowess. The name Okoye in Nigerian means “blessed on Sundays” (seriously!). Unfortunately for the son, Tulane plays its games on Saturdays, thus rendering the younger Christian a mere mortal.
Nick Cannon, Tulane – “Daddy, Nick Cannon is hilarious.”
Evander Holyfield, Auburn
Joe Girardi, Miami
Michael McDonald, USC
Richie Rich, UNC
Colin Ferrell, Kent State
Jimmy Johns, Alabama – Jimmy Johns must’ve dined on too many Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches over the summer, because the once prodigious heir to Ken Darby has been relegated to the bench.
Maserati Jemison, Arizona State – Arizona State is pretty much playing like a Maserati right now, while its rival Arizona is playing more like a Kia Sephia.
Mike Jones, Arizona State – WHO?!
Jordan White-Frisbee, Washington
Ziggy Hood, Missouri
Aptly Named Position Players
Reggie Corner, Cornerback, Akron
Brit Barefoot, Kicker, Southern Miss
I once played high school football against a guy named Stephen Hitch. Fittingly, he was a quarterback, and all he did was throw hitches.
The Name of All Names
I-Perfection Harris, Georgia Tech – I-Perfection is short for Immaculate Perfection. And to top it off, his brother’s name is Supreme Justice.
Damn, that’s what I was going to name my child…
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8 months ago
J stands for Jeremy, as it turns out. God knows as to why he ditched the -eremy part.
and in the long names section, how about Michael Hoowanamuni, Illinois Tight End.
8 months ago
Another one from Wake Forest is DE Boo Robinson, which is pretty cool on its own. His give name, however, is Shaunteryous Robinson. You can have your own fun with pronouncing that one.
8 months ago
Oh yeah, David you gotta had John David Booty from Bama with the other Southern names
8 months ago
David, I laughed several times. This is good stuff. Here's a few that I know of to add to the list:
Prince Hall -Alabama LB
Eltoro Freeman - committed to Auburn(currently plays at juco)...eltoro means "the bull" in spanish.
Major Wright - Florida
Omar Haugabook - Troy
Ryan Shoemaker - Punter for Auburn
Will Hill - current commit to Florida (New Jersey's Saint Peter's Prep)
Also, if you read the book "Freakanomics", there is a story mentioned about a father naming one of his sons "Winner". His next son he named "Loser". No joke.
8 months ago
Best article ever? Nice work. I also had a few good laughs over this. Thanks.
I was expecting to see SC's Chris Smelley in the "No Need for Words" section. (Not to be too immature, but it makes me wonder if he has a sister that can marry Jerrod Gooch and use the hyphenation.)
8 months ago
One word.. Sackrider --I don't think it gets any worse than that. Real enjoyable article, David. LOL.
8 months ago
We all seem to be forgetting about Colt McCoy, which, as my friend Dave put it "Sounds like the name of the Texas quarterback in a Will Farrell movie." Seriously, with a moniker like that he had two realistic career choices, quarterback or sheriff.
8 months ago
Great article and great comments.
8 months ago
I can't believe I forgot Chris Smelley. Chris Smelley, the one and only Smelley (Game)Cock.
-His SC teammate Captain Munnerlyn would be fitting if he were in fact the captain.
-Who could forget other SC teammates: Casper Brinkley, Michael McQueeney & Foxy Foxworth?
-Ryan Shoemaker definitely fits in as a punter
-Eltoro is a GREAT name. I need to meet this guy
If I find some more names I'll post them. My favorite is I-Perfection but now I'm thinking about Sackrider or Co-Eric. I mean he's not even his own Eric - he has to share it with someone else!
from 8 months ago
I played high school ball with Eltoro "the bull". He's a pretty ripped dude - scary in fact. Tuberville mentioned him last spring as one of the true freshman that could impact Auburn's team this year.
If he can work on his academics at this juco, you'll see him on the plains in Auburn - don't worry. I just love the name though...Eltoro. If that name doesn't strike fear into you...I don't know what does. It's almost like it's a built-in nickname, especially for a linebacker.
from 8 months ago
Chris Smelley is indeed a great one that I was wondering about. Seriously though, you pretty much got them all!
Nice work David...haven't laughed so hard at an article in quite some time.
8 months ago
why isnt my main man Wondy Pierre-Louis on this list he plays for florida by the way
8 months ago
This article and its comments are full of win!
8 months ago
UGA also has royalty, Prince Miller.
8 months ago
You missed a fine one for both the Royal and Parents Having Fun categories -- Prince Moody from Wisconsin.
Chris Smelley is one obvious omission, but what about Casey Dick? Have you forgotten about Dick? Is Dick beneath you somehow? I demand that you put that Dick in there immediately, I don't care about any Smelley-ness.
from 8 months ago
I actually had a whole list of people like Casey Dick but I decided to omit them. Casey Dick, teammate Robert Johnson, GT fullback Mike Cox, Georgia backup qb Joe Cox (there were a few others, I think)
There are a bunch of Princes. Seems to be catching on. That must be the sure-fire way to attain royalty in the US. They say you must be born into royalty...well isn't naming your son Prince getting that desired effect?
Windham Rotunda from Troy is now in my 5.
8 months ago
Great article!
I think you overlooked some of the players in the Sunbelt, though.
How about Florida International? They have a RB named Chance Attaway, a WR named Ashlyn Parker, and a DL named Mike Tyson (no chip on that shoulder, I'm sure).
Florida Atlantic has a kicker named Logan Chipperfield. (a stretch maybe?)
Louisiana-Lafayette has a G named Bobby Fails.
There's also Arkansas State DE Rob Ramage.
My favorite, though, might be Troy OL Windham Rotunda. Is this guy a person, a place, or a thing?
8 months ago
In the "name says it all" category, I submit Marshall WR Darius Passmore and Fresno St. DE Tyler Clutts (son, you're playing defense).
In the "my baby's gonna be a great football player" category, I like Syracuse WR Rice Moss (don't tell me -- his middle name is Harrison).
In the "playing for the wrong school" categorey, there's Idaho RB Princeton McCarty.
For pure ass-kicking last names, I'd suggest Baylor G Sam Sledge. He helps make up for his teammates Dan Gay (G) and Jason Lamb (DE).
Ball State has a WR named Wade Overton, who is listed at 208 lbs but his name sounds like he used to be heavier.
San Jose St. has a freshman kicker named Shaheen Pourfallah who is destined to miss a few game-winners.
And you can see what Louisiana Tech was going for when they recruited QB Zac Champion, OL Corbin Best, and OL Greg Greathouse, but can someone explain LB Dusty Rust? Sounds like a walk-on.
from 8 months ago
Rice Moss...that's good...especially for a WR. Not sure how old he is, but the "Moss" has to be coincidence...Randy Moss wasn't really all that well known until he got drafted in '98 (at that's a stretch to say he was a great reciever before he even put on the vikings jersey). I'm pretty sure Rice Moss isn't 9 years old.
Of the ones you mentioned anonymous, I really like Shaheen Pourfallah. It's great.
Dusty Rust is good too.
8 months ago
Whenever you need another 15 seconds on the clock, there's SMU OL Lucky DeLay.
This year's Tulsa roster appropriate starts with freshman DB Genesis Cole (this is just the beginning).
And you know the toughest guy on the field has to be New Mexico St. LB (don't call him "Little") Boyblue Aoelua. (His teammate, NT Sioeli Fakalata, gets all the action after the games).
8 months ago
You also left out a very good Southern name- T-Bob Hebert from LSU
from 8 months ago
Beat me to it Ricky. I was just about to add that one. There are so many. This is just my condensed version. I didn't realize you could write a book on all these names. The thing about T-Bob is he's Bob/Bobby Hebert Jr. or the III. Where in the world did he come up with T-Bob?
Guys named Colt could have a category of their own with Colt McCoy, Colt David, and Colt Brennan
8 months ago
David-
This cracked me up so much I blew half my workday on it (see above). Awesome article! I'm from STL, so I know you're enjoying Wash-U in the fall. Here's to hoping your Buckeyes can survive the next 2 weekends unscathed before they come to Ann Arbor and get a taste of what's coming to them from my Wolverines!
Here's one last name for the weekend: Air Force sophomore kicker Paul Pfluke. ("It's not that I don't have confidence in you, Paul, it's just that the 58-yard kick you nailed in pre-game seems like it might have been..., well, you know....")
-Nathan
8 months ago
I'm still laughing at LeQuantum McDonald and his knowledge of LeQuantum Physics! This article gets better the more you read it.
Lucky DeLay, Bobby Fails, and Foxy Foxworth are some of my favorites from the comments.
8 months ago
Don't forget about University of Toledo running back: Scooter McDougle
and former Texas-El Paso lineman: Ibok Ibok
8 months ago
Bill Cosby was right. Look for the word "names" on this page.
http://www.eightcitiesmap.com/transcript_bc.htm
8 months ago
How about T-Bob Hebert who is a redshirt freshman center at LSU. His father played for the Saints, but T-Bob played his high school ball in Georgia.
8 months ago
What about:
1. Jonal Saint-Dic (Michigan State)
2. Casey Dick (Arkansas)
3. Aquib Talib (Kansas)
7 months ago
This article got mentioned on Blog Show: http://www.burlysports.com/video/19736
Sweet!
6 months ago
for player positions:
Syndric Steptoe, Arizona
4 months ago
sackrider would be the most embarrassing last name ever think if his first name was willie and his middle name was and "willie and sackrider"
28 days ago
Kyle Sackrider!!!! funniest 1 up there
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