Ready To Order: The Ten Fattest Coaches in Football
Morrissey once wrote, "Some girls are bigger than others." The same applies to football coaches as well.
Being a successful football player requires an athlete to be in top physical shape, to be disciplined, and exhibit self-control.
To be a head coach—not so much.
Some coaches waddle along the sidelines looking like Rob Reiner with a headset and a playbook. Their body type is not unlike that of the fans that tailgate during the entire game and seem to always be jamming bratwurst in their face when their team scores.
It takes years of Milwaukee's Best, pork rinds, and Nutty Buddy bars to achieve such physical form. Forget about exercise, that will just distract you from studying the opponent, especially when the opponent is hunger.
Debates have popped up as to whether player are less prone to listen to an out of shape coach. How can you tell a kid to run some laps when you have to drive to your mailbox so you don't get winded?
Do oversize coaches come under more scrutiny that the smaller guys? Maybe people view fat guys as being fat putzes that can't control their weight or their players.
Others feel that tubby coaches get more sympathy than the fit coaches. This is the Santa syndrome. If he's fat and funny looking, he must be a jolly guy.
Sit back with a bag of powdered doughnuts and a chocolate milkshake and enjoy the ten fattest coaches in football.
Mark Mangino has got to be the largest man to ever coach anything that wasn't edible. The only thing that comes easy to this guy is chewing and breaking scales.
Mangino took over the Kansas Jayhawks in 2002 and immediately turned the team around. In his second season, he coached the team to the Tangerine Bowl (mmmm, tangerines).
In 2007, Mangino led the Jayhawks to a 12-1 record and a spot in the 2008 Orange Bowl (mmmmm, oranges). Kansas defeated the favored Virginia Tech Hokies. Mangino was recognized as Coach of the Year by the NCAA.
Mangino has faced controversy for his harsh coaching style and abrasive personality since his early years coaching high school. This controversy had led to an internal investigation by Kansas officials.
Maybe a trip to a buffet would calm Mangino down. If that doesn't work, buy out his contract with a lifetime supply of McDonald's french fries.
On second thought, maybe it would be cheaper to just pay him off in cash.
Ralph "Fridge" Friedgen has seen better days in his nine years coaching the Maryland Terrapins.
In his first season with Maryland, Friedgen was named Coach of the Year after leading his 10-2 team to the Orange Bowl (mmm, more oranges), only to be beaten by the Florida Gators.
The next season, the Terps beat Tennessee in the Peach Bowl (mmmm, peaches), finishing 11-3. Friedgen followed that up with a Gator Bowl (mmm, gator tail) victory over rival West Virginia, giving the team their third consecutive ten-win season.
Since that time, the Friedgen led Terrapins have a 35-38 record. Hitting a new low this year at 2-10, the Tweedle Dum look-alike is under fire. Maryland is afraid to fire Friedgen because of his $1.75 million salary.
If Maryland can find Ralph Friedgen a job taste-testing crab cakes, maybe he will leave voluntarily.
Charlie Weis is the Tweedle Dee to Ralph Friedgen's Tweedle Dum. He's also the latest disappointment at Notre Dame's head coach position.
When Weis fell from the Bill Parcells/Bill Belichick coaching tree, the earth gained a new valley.
Notre Dame offered Weis $2 million a year for six years to lead the Fighting Irish after Urban Meyer refused the job. In 2005 it looked like Weis was earning his pay by being named Coach of the Year and landing in the Fiesta Bowl (mmmm, fiesta).
Now Charlie Weis is likely on his way out of South Bend after a 6-6 season. Hard luck for a guy who survived a two week coma from complications due to a gastric bypass surgery.
Weis managed to tear his ACL and MCL while coaching against Michigan in 2008. I couldn't even make this stuff up if I tried.
Charlie Weis also sports what is known as a FUPA (fat upper pelvic area)or front butt. Sorry Charlie, that's the truth and you know it.
It's not even fun anymore, it's kicking a guy when he's down.
Former Tennessee head coach Phillip Fulmer announced in October that he would be interested in returning to football as a coach—just as soon as he finished pigging out for Oktoberfest.
Oh yeah, and then there's Thanksgiving to worry about, and Christmas dinner, and New Years....
Whenever Fulmer returns to the sidelines, we can count on him getting wins and stretching polo shirts.
Fulmer coached Peyton Manning during his college years. The year after Manning left for the NFL, the Vol's won the BCS National Championship.
Noting that he would love to coach an SEC team if he returns, Fulmer obviously doesn't want to be far from that good old down South cooking.
Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid has had his share of ups and downs. He's also had his share of Geno's Cheesesteaks as well.
As quarterbacks coach in Green Bay, Reid coached Brett Favre to a NFL title and league MVP. Andy decided to move on to Philadelphia to coach his own team.
Four consecutive trips to the NFC championship and once to the Super Bowl, and Reid has nothing to show for it. During his tenure with the Eagles, Reid has taken shots for being a poor game manager as the game draws to a close.
After police raided the coaches home, it was discovered that his sons were hoarding what a judge described as a "drug den". The judge neglected to mention the snack stash or the lunch meat lair.
It's always sunny in Philadelphia, unless you're standing in the shadow of Andy Reid.
Best know for his "they are who we thought they were" rant after losing to the Bears, Dennis Green has been coaching since the seventies.
As part of the Bill Walsh family of coaches, Green is a direct disciple of the original West Coast offense. He coached college ball at Northwestern and Stanford before taking charge of the Minnesota Vikings and later the Arizona Cardinals.
Green is now the coach of the UFL's California Redwoods. The redwood is a very large tree native to California, whereas Green is a very large coach that is a native of Pennsylvania.
Dennis claims to have been in Hershey, PA in 1962 when Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a game. Does it count if he was at the Hershey Chocolate Factory during the contest?
If this is what a real-life Romeo looks like, Rosanne Barr should change her name to Juliette.
Romeo Crennel worked under Bill Parcells and Bill Belichick before takeing the head coach position for the Cleveland Browns.
After Crennel suffered two losing seasons, he took the Browns to a 10-6 record, falling just short of a playoff appearance. Fired the next year, it's a shame he couldn't "take the Browns to the Super Bowl".
Although, it probably would have stunk anyway.
Though he wasn't the inspiration for Family Guy's Cleveland Brown, he certainly looks a lot like him.
Oakland Raiders head coach Tom Cable is probably the toughest guy on this list. He's no chicken dumpling and makes it a point to let the world know it.
Cable was hired a week before the 2009 Super Bowl by owner Al Davis, who waited a week to announce the hire. Apparently he was afraid of Cable stealing the headlines.
Before even coaching his first NFL game, Cable was accused of punching assistant coach Randy Hanson and breaking his jaw. The Napa district attorney didn't file charges against Cable, likely because he was afraid Al Davis would move the training facilities out of Napa.
Two ex-wives and an ex-girlfriend of Cable later accused the coach of physical abuse during their relationships. I guess they were afraid to say anything earlier.
I'm going to end without making fun of Cable because, well, I'm a bit afraid of what would happen if I did.
Wade Phillips is not your typical Dallas Cowboys head coach. He looks a bit soft, kind of like a shorter version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.
Wade Phillips has made a career as a replacement coach. He has replaced Marv Levy (four Super Bowl appearances), Bill Parcells (two Super Bowl wins in three appearances), and twice replaced Dan Reeves (four Super Bowl appearances).
Oddly enough, Phillips was replaced by both Jim More and Jim Mora Jr. in New Orleans and Atlanta, respectively.
Wade Phillips' days may be numbered in the Big D, but his days at Micky D's will never end.
Finally, we get to the "Big Tuna" Bill Parcells. Though he does not currently coach, he belongs here as a pioneer for tubby head coaches.
Parcells won two Super Bowls with the New York Giants and lost one with the New England Patriots. Later, Parcells attempted to rejuvenate the Dallas Cowboys.
After leaving Dallas, he took the position of Executive Vice President of Football Operations for the Miami Dolphins. Hiring the big stature Tony Sparano as his head coach paid off as the team went from 1-15 before the Parcells era to 11-5 division champs afterward.
The Bill Parcells coaching tree includes six NFL head coaches as well as two NCAA head coaches. Most notably, Bill Belichick has won three Super Bowls. Two coaches from the tree—Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel—are included on this very list.
All the other coaches on the list can eat their hearts out (not literally, guys) because Bill Parcells is the best overweight coach we've ever seen.
Rex Ryan (late addition)
How could I have forgotten "Blubbering" Rex Ryan. Thanks to the readers for pointing out the newest fat man to the head coaching realm.
Rex Ryan is the son of former NFL coach Buddy Ryan and twin brother of Cleveland Browns defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. He is, however, in no way related to Atlanta Falcons QB Matt Ryan.
Ryan took over the New York Jets at the beginning of this season. Impressing fans by winning his first three games with rookie QB Mark Sanchez, Ryan also made a name for himself with his outspoken ways.
Before defeating the New England Patriots, Ryan sent a phone message Jets season-ticket holders stating that he needed their support to beat a team with a better coach and better quarterback.
Ryan surprised many when reports came out that he got very emotional in the locker room and cried to his players. The breakdown was referred to as "blubbering".
In another quip about the division rival Patriots, Ryan told local radio that he "didn't come here to kiss Bill Belichick's rings."
When Belichick didn't let up in a rematch victory for the Patriots, Ryan said he felt "disrespected" as New England tried to run the score up on the Jets.
Ladies and gentlemen; the "Blubbering" Rex Ryan.