How the Unnamed NFL Scout Became College Football Fans' Worst Nightmare
They tear down giants with a single sentence. They make their presence felt without ever announcing their presence at all. They tell you everything you’ve seen over the past three or four years is a gigantic farce, a football mirage constructed purely for your entertainment. They are superpowered supervillains capable of mass destruction, and they operate while keeping their identities concealed.
They are anonymous NFL draft scouts—nameless, faceless lightning rods of negativity—and we can no longer allow them to run our lives.
The NFL Scouting Combine is the unofficial start to NFL draft season. It makes no difference that the actual draft is still months away. Scouts, people dressed as scouts, scouts operating in secret, NFL officials and television viewers will spend the better part of the next week explaining why [insert player here] won’t succeed at the next level because of how high his feet left the ground on a single jump.
.jpg?w=256 "Ohio State Team Doctor")
Straight-line running will be worshiped and celebrated. The winners will be deemed "gods of speed" and honored with sports cars. Dropped passes and overthrown footballs will be greeted with deafening doom. Characters will be judged, and personalities will be dissected based on the briefest of press encounters.
The masses will eagerly consume the entire charade. Given other viewing options and the overall compelling nature of the broadcast, the combine will likely find its way onto my television over the weekend. I’m not immune to the infectious nature of the broadcasts; the entertainment is undeniable.
Football is still football, even in packaged, helmet-less, overserved form. Like every other desperate fan seeking a quality fix, I’ll let the madness of the draft season wash over me like a warm shower. I’ll embrace the hysteria triggered by the sight of a 300-pound human running the 40-yard dash in under five seconds, which is something that should be celebrated regardless.
That is not the problem with the predraft hysteria as it stands now. There’s a mutual understanding, even with those less consumed by the madness, that physical attributes and measureables only tell you so much about the actual recipe.
The reaction and opinion that spring from the combine and NFL workouts—particularly of the nameless variety—are where the ritual plunges head first into a case of Peach Schnapps and refuses to come up for air. Some have already left their feet.
The most popular name you will hear over the next few months won’t be Jameis Winston. It won’t be Marcus Mariota. It won’t be Leonard Williams or any of the disruptive edge-rushers this class has to offer.
No, the most popular name you will read about over the weeks to follow will be Anonymous Scout. His friends call him that. You can call him Mr. Anonymous Scout. You are not friends.
Like he does every year, Mr. Anonymous Scout will announce his presence and wait for outrage. He will tell you why Mariota is too nice to play in the NFL, which has, unsurprisingly, already happened.
"Like if you punched him in the stomach, he might apologize to you," a scout told SI.com's Pete Thamel and Thayer Evans. "I just don’t know if he’s that alpha male that you’re looking for. This kid’s a kind of fly on the wall kind of guy."
Oh, but he’s just warming up.
Eventually, he will give you more. Perhaps he’ll explain why Ameer Abdullah doesn’t have the mass to play at the next level, or why Shaq Thompson won’t succeed because he can’t find a position suitable to his talents, or why Amari Cooper’s gravity-defying pull-ups lack technique and discipline.
“The player you worshiped over the past three seasons? He’s a third-down back,” the scout will say. “And I’m not sure he really loves football,” he might add.
On top of being an expert on straight-line running and a film wizard, Mr. Anonymous Scout is also an expert on body language and has a doctorate in psychology. That’s partly why he has to remain anonymous, you see. No one this gifted could possibly reveal his or her true identity. Just imagine if this power got into the wrong hands.
It’s the kind of power that college football fans are helpless to combat. A faceless, nameless, all-knowing sorcerer will dismantle their favorite players—regardless of how pristine their football resumes might be—and sell them for parts.
After all, just listen to what an anonymous scout had to say about a promising college quarterback just a decade ago. (I would have given him credit, but he forgot to leave his name.)
"He's a system quarterback. 3-, 5-, 7-step guy. Can’t create on his own. Panics under pressure,” an AFC scout told Bob McGinn of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. “Gets flustered easy. I don't think there's a quarterback in the draft worthy of a first-round pick. I'm dead serious. None of them are worth it."
This comment was made back in April 2005. The quarterback was former Cal product and renowned system quarterback Aaron Rodgers. If only the Green Bay Packers listened.
There are benefits of remaining anonymous.
It’s not a matter of missing on certain players and opinions. I miss on predictions weekly during the season. That’s part of the business. It’s enviable if you take enough swings. There’s an understanding—even among the most demanding readers—that not all prognostications will pan out.
Taking that uncertainty one step further, forecasting quarterbacks is a lot like trying to hit a dartboard from 35 feet away in a monsoon, especially when there’s no Andrew Luck to pick from. There usually isn’t.
It’s the secretive nature of these C-4 statements that add absolutely zero to the conversation. It’s sprinting into a room, lobbing a flaming stink bomb and running out, only to wedge a chair against the door so those inside can’t follow. And the only thing worse than offering up cryptic, “He’s just too nice to throw a football where it’s supposed to go” slosh is not owning this magnificent travesty of commentary.
Admittedly, it is personal. I cover college football. I have invested hours—no, days—in covering individual players who will be assessed on a far different curve. I have watched many of them make the sport look easy at a level suitable for this viewer’s taste buds.
When these memories are tainted through criticisms—many of which seem destined for a headline in a story and nothing more—one can’t help but feel his insides start to turn. Fans with their own individual worshipping habits likely know the same feeling. At some point, just about every talented player—product of the system or not—will endure the wrath of an anonymous scout.
That’s not to say some criticisms aren’t warranted. Going on record to express concerns over Mariota’s transition to a pro-style offense is a legitimate talking point. Hiding in obscurity and saying that his overall friendly demeanor could somehow hinder this transition is not.
And yet, despite this being mutually understood by all, this will not change. The anonymous scouts will still fire off scouting takes of the hottest variety. So, speaking for each and every college football fan bracing for another round of venomous drivel, let’s fire back.
“The anonymous scout lacks character and integrity and is someone I don’t believe can be trusted,” said an anonymous sports blogger. “To me, the concealment is deeply concerning. What else is this person hiding? When you consider how little is being added to intelligent draft conversation, I believe it’s only reasonable to ignore these comments moving forward.”
You heard it here first, from an anonymous professional no less.
Don’t let the anonymous scout tear down your favorite players this season. Just remember what an anonymous sports blogger told you and embrace the maddening stupidity of it all.
.jpg?w=480 "Ohio State Team Doctor")
