10 Classes We Want College Football Coaches to Teach

Carl StineCorrespondent IMay 17, 2013

10 Classes We Want College Football Coaches to Teach

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    College football coaches are busy men.

    With all of the recruiting, discipline issues, planning, practicing and numerous other responsibilities demanding their time, there is little left for activity on the side.

    The men on this list, however, need to drop the coaching, at least temporarily, and take some time to teach these classes.

    From relaxation techniques to winning, the coaches on this list have what it takes, and should take the time to impart some of that knowledge.

    Read on for a list of classes we would like to see these college football coaches teach.

    You will not be disappointed.

10. Fashion 101 with Derek Dooley

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    Coach Dooley has moved on from Tennessee to the greener pastures of the NFL.

    Even so, while he was at Tennessee, he taught the college football universe a valuable lesson.

    Bright colored pants that match your team's colors are an excellent fashion decision.

    That is, if you want to burn retinas and cause young children to have nightmares and therapy for the rest of their lives.

    Those orange pants were a nightmare.

9. How to Win Refs and Influence People with Bo Pelini

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    Every college football coach is intense.

    Except for Bo Pelini.

    He's calm, cool and only intense when the situation warrants said intensity.

    His ability to calmly reason with players and referees is matched only by the calming quality of his voice during moments of pressure.

    When looking for a man to teach about the subject of relationships on the field, definitely look up Pelini.

8. How to Win the Rose Bowl with Bret Bielema

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    Bret Bielema led Wisconsin to Big Ten titles, at least on paper, in each of the past three seasons.

    That means one thing—a trip to the Rose Bowl.

    But for some reason, Bielema can't figure out how to win the "grandaddy of them all."

    After the 2010 season, his Badgers lost by two points to TCU after a failed two point conversion for the tie late in the game.

    In 2011, Wisconsin again lost in the Rose Bowl, this time to Oregon, by only a touchdown.

    Apparently Bielema knew it was a lost cause, because he bolted for Arkansas before last season's Rose Bowl, which the Badgers again lost, this time to Stanford.

    Sensing an opportunity for easier wins, he will now be competing in the SEC West with Alabama, LSU and Texas A&M.

7. Acting with Nick Saban

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    Nick Saban is on the verge of going into the history books as the greatest head coach to ever roam the sidelines.

    But there is another talent Saban has displayed that many people would love to possess.

    His ability to act.

    When the Tide are ahead by large margins, look for Saban on the sideline.

    He acts as if the team is losing, and he is going out of his mind.

    At other times, such as when Alabama wins a national title, the man appears as cool as a cucumber, and if he cracks a smile, it is understated and brief.

    That last might be a bit of an exaggeration, but Saban is a genius, and with that genius comes some eccentricities.

6. Yoga and Meditation Techniques with Will Muschamp

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    Will Muschamp is crazy.

    He's a good football coach, that's undeniable, but the man has some serious issues with self-calm.

    When the Gators are losing, you get crazy.

    When the Gators are winning, you get crazy.

    That explosion at referees during his first game with the Gators is legendary.

    It makes one begin to wonder if he wakes up in the morning and practices angry faces and yelling in his mirror.

    Even before he made the move to Florida from Texas, Muschamp was known for his intensity.

    Texas players christened him "Coach Blood" after he scratched his face while ripping a headset off during his first game as Texas' defensive coordinator.

    Obviously, the perfect candidate to teach a class on calming techniques.

5. Achieve Mediocrity and Make It Pay with Kirk Ferentz

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    This has been a mind-boggling conundrum for some time.

    How in the world is Kirk Ferentz paid so much to do so little?

    He's been with Iowa since 1999, tied twice for first in the Big Ten, and gone to two BCS bowl games, with a record of 1-1.

    He achieved a pedestrian 100-74 during his time with the Hawkeyes, and has had only one season since 2004 in which the team has won more than nine games.

    And yet, he's paid $3.9 million.

    Just to put that into perspective, there are five head coaches who make more than he does: Les Miles, Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, Mack Brown and Bob Stoops.

    Each one of those five has at least one national title as a head coach.

    Ferentz hasn't even won an outright conference title.

    If only we could all learn how to turn such mediocrity into profit.

4. Resume Writing with George O'Leary

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    George O'Leary is an interesting fella.

    He's the current head coach of UCF, a program that has some real upside going into the 2013 season.

    He's had his issues there, which are best addressed in another venue.

    For the time being, let's stick with the original controversy surrounding O'Leary, that of his resume when he applied for the head coaching position at the University of Notre Dame.

    On said resume, O'Leary lied not once, but twice.

    First, he stated that he lettered in football at New Hampshire. He never played for New Hampshire.

    Second, there was the little issue of a Master's degree from NYU-Stony Brook. That school does not exist, and O'Leary never earned a Master's.

    His tenure as head coach at Notre Dame lasted five days once the administration was alerted to his con, but it still begs the question: How the heck did he get hired in the first place?

3. Ethics and Etiquette with Lane Kiffin

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    Is there a man less irrelevant who is more hated?

    Kiffin, the head coach of the USC Trojans, seems to leave a path of bad decisions, hatred and disgust wherever he goes.

    Prior to taking the job at USC, Kiffin used a stint at Tennessee to accomplish several notable achievements.

    He accused Urban Meyer of cheating, was proven wrong, and had to recant. Also, during that accusation, he broke an NCAA rule by mentioning a recruit by name. Real smooth.

    He told Alshon Jeffery that he would wind up pumping gas if he played at South Carolina.

    Most notably, Kiffin drew the ire of Vols' fans to such an extent that they wanted to name a wastewater plant after him.

    Once he transitioned to USC, he just kept going, telling reporters he "would not vote USC number one" in the Coaches' Poll, then doing so.

    Then there was the uniform number scandal against Colorado, as well as the deflation of balls when the Trojans faced Oregon in 2012.

    Definitely the best choice to teach an ethics class.

2. Being One-Dimensional with Dana Holgorsen

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    Somewhere, down that long winding road called "life", Dana Holgorsen missed something.

    A big, flashing neon sign that announces to football coaches everywhere: "there's more to football than offense."

    Or possibly he has chosen to ignore it.

    Going into his second season at West Virginia, Holgorsen has to figure out some balance.

    He's already mastered the art of getting his offense to move the ball and score at a tremendous rate.

    He's also figured out how to berate folks like an old pro.

    Now if he could just teach his team to play some defense, we might be onto something.

1. Photoshop with Joker Phillips

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    This is getting out of hand.

    Joker Phillips has really gone overboard with the whole photoshop recruiting theme.

    As the wide receivers coach and recruiter for Florida, he has to do his job, but his most recent foray into the realm of creativity was another disaster:

    Come Join The Jokers. #comeplaywrforthejoker twitter.com/jokerphillips/…

    — Joker Phillips (@jokerphillips) May 16, 2013

    This has been a serious issue since earlier this spring, and Phillips' ability to relate to the next generation while at the same time appealing to a broader fanbase with his art is unmatched.

    It's just not realistic to think someone could duplicate that level of success.

    If you really want nightmare fuel, or perhaps just a good laugh, check at a compendium of Phillip's work.

    You will not be disappointed.