Chip Kelly's Hot Tub: Dream Perks for 17 Other College Football Coaches
Even though Chip Kelly’s bubbly movie bath was apparently based on rumor and innuendo, the idea that a college football head coach could swing a hot tub for watching film brings up an interesting concept.
Yes, even though the reports that surfaced last week regarding Oregon’s 68 million dollar football facility including a hot tub for Kelly to watch film are apparently untrue, what other “dream perks” might actually come to fruition?
Think about it: what, if anything, could be considered “over the top” in terms of contract “extras” when you are trying to keep a winning college football coach happy?
The following slideshow boldly goes where none has gone before it and offers up dream contract perks for 17 college football coaches.
Though many of these bonuses are admittedly ridiculous, nothing should surprise us in the money-making scheme that is amateur sports.
Mack Brown, Texas
Though the Longhorns long-term head coach might be better served to ask for a lifetime supply of Grecian Formula, ole’ Mack wants Texas backers to guarantee a boost to his next career move.
Yes, if Brown can garner votes as well as he can recruit he’ll be an ace in the political arena, which means he wants his contract to have a proviso that pledges the financial underwriting of his campaign upon his exit as head coach at Texas.
Will he run for governor of Texas, senator or congressman?
Who knows, but it makes you wonder if the Aggies' move to the SEC wasn’t all part of a “conspiracy theory” for Mack to garner the votes of a people who no longer compete on the field with his hated Horns.
Al Golden, Miami (Fla.)
The first thing that comes to mind when you think of Al Golden and dream perks might be a lifetime supply of neckties to wear on game day, but in reality this is a guy whose contract wishes may be much simpler.
Golden just wants somebody to guarantee him that he’ll continue to be paid at the agreed upon rate, regardless of what the NCAA does in terms of throwing the book at Miami for alleged infractions.
Yes, the goings on at Penn State may have had the effect of dulling down all other active NCAA investigations (rightfully so), but what has purportedly gone down at Miami over the last decade may unjustly cost Golden big time, a guy who had nothing to do with any shenanigans or tomfoolery.
Bo Pelini, Nebraska
Though it’s easy to appreciate Bo Pelini’s passionate approach to his role as a college football coach, sometimes his level of enthusiasm is flat-out scary.
Pelini might be the one guy on this list who actually has a medical need for a hot tub or a sauna to calm his frayed nerves after a ball game or perhaps even before the opening kick-off.
Bo Pelini’s dream perk may not necessarily be a “calming coach” or an anger management session, but sometimes need becomes the guiding hand of want.
Dana Holgorsen, West Virginia
No matter how awkward it seems or how frightening the visual may play out in your head, Dana Holgorsen would look good in a Saturday Night Fever inspired outfit.
Maybe it’s Holgorsen’s hair, perhaps it’s his relaxed approach or his body language, but the disco theme comes across as fitting for West Virginia’s head man.
So with this in mind, what does Holgorsen need in terms of contract dream perks?
The answer is really quite simple, a disco ball in his office; electronically controllable and complete with suitable lighting and a sound system that can kick things into high gear.
Wow, that’s crazy good.
Brian Kelly, Notre Dame
What bonus could a guy like Brian Kelly, who is quite literally “living the dream” possibly want?
Well, how about some extra time to coach another sport?
Yes, Brian Kelly might want a guaranteed, pre-sanctioned and paid leave from Irish football to coach the USA Women’s National Softball Team.
Yes, Kelly who is 187-66-2 as a head football coach is also 64-54 all-time as a women’s softball coach.
Kelly was employed from 1984-87 as the women’s head softball coach at his alma mater Assumption College, where he scored a .542 winning percentage on the ladies diamond.
Mike Leach, Washington State
Though Mike Leach may be a candidate for a legal binding promise that includes a pirate ship or a stocked bear park, the true desires of his heart might be more service oriented.
Indeed, what Leach really really wants is the guarantee of a substantial block of time off each and every time Craig James runs for political office.
What is unknown is whether Leach will utilize the paid vacation to work in James’ campaign headquarters, or instead if he will take the time to work for the opposing candidate.
Urban Meyer, Ohio State
Even though Urban Meyer’s lucrative contract with Ohio State already includes the provision for a golf course membership, why not up the ante to make sure the successful coach stays in Columbus for the long haul?
And what better golfing incentive to offer the golf-loving coach, than a membership to Augusta National in Augusta, GA?
Joining up at “the National” isn’t as easy as whipping out your checkbook at the clubhouse, and it would take some serious work to get the coveted secretive invitation to join (don’t call us, we’ll call you), but at least one current college football coach is a member, which sets a precedent.
Yes, how can THE Ohio State University sleep at night while their coach is not THE guy who is a member at Augusta while the “other” former Florida Gators’ coach, Steve Spurrier is?
Nick Saban, Alabama
Nick Saban might be the guy with the most on this list; the most titles, the most money, the most recruits, etc.
But that said the one thing the disputed coaching king of college football doesn’t always have is style sense.
Seriously, from the poofy hair to the straw hats, upturned collars and gold chains, sometimes Coach Saban might need a little help looking as good as he coaches.
This masterful gridiron leader would be well paired with a contractually binding personal stylist.
Chris Petersen, Boise State
If the Boise State Broncos and the Big East actually seal the deal for the 2013 season, then we’re looking straight down the barrel at what is perhaps the most ridiculous geographic conference alignment in the history of collegiate sport.
We’re talking about a team from Idaho being in the Big East.
Gone are games with Wyoming, Idaho, Nevada, Colorado State and New Mexico and here to stay are contests with Houston, Central Florida, Memphis and Rutgers.
So, what does Chris Petersen want next?
A private jet.
Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State
Coach Gundy is such a well groomed individual, especially from a hair perspective, that his dream perk would have to revolve around follicle maintenance.
Yes, Mike Gundy’s bonus would be a lifetime supply of a premium blend of hair gel that would assure a lilty, festive up do until the end of his days.
Lane Kiffin, USC
Though 2012 might be the year that Lane Kiffin finally proves his top billing as a college football coach, nothing will change the fact that he’s had a knack of saying the wrong thing, on camera or in print, over and over.
Yes, from Kiffin’s font of verbal gaffes as a SEC coach at Tennessee to his quips at USC and all the way back to his offensive comments regarding his short stint at the Oakland Raiders, Kiffin has a not-so-good way with words.
Kiffin’s written agreement with USC might be well-served to include the constant, complimentary presence of a “verbal filter” that magically takes what Lane says wrong and morphs it into niceties that don’t cause alarm and hurt feelings.
Les Miles, LSU
Even though LSU plays on a natural grass surface at home in Tiger Stadium, SEC foes Arkansas, Ole Miss, Missouri and Vanderbilt all play on artificial playing surfaces.
Les Miles, a consumer of edible, natural turf, would be absolutely delighted if his contract included a proviso that ensured that a large pad of portable organic grass would be installed temporarily on the sidelines at LSU away games with synthetic surfaces.
This transportable sod could even be pre-flavored for the enjoyment Coach Miles, should he be stricken with a serious case of the third quarter munchies.
Charlie Weis, Kansas
Well, Charlie Weis’ dream perk at his second ever head coaching job is pretty simple (and lucrative): a long-term contract.
Yes, it’s a fairly air-tight scheme; regardless of what results Weis can manage to produce at the “up-hill battle” scenario at Kansas, he’ll want to make sure he still can get paid even after the love is gone.
This is precisely what Weis did at Notre Dame, a program that has paid him 8.7 million dollars since he left South Bend, and reportedly still owes him about 10 million dollars that is to be paid out through 2015.
It’s a hell of a retirement plan, and you have to give the guys who structured his contracts a lot of credit.
If Weis plays his cards right, he could be making millions of dollars while sitting home and watching college football from the comfort of his recliner.
Brady Hoke, Michigan
Michigan’s second-year man’s dream contract clause is fairly simple, he wants legal assurances that he’ll be given first right of refusal on the role of Bluto if Animal House is ever remade.
Yes, Hoke’s uncanny resemblance to the legendary John Belushi makes him a natural for casting in the modern remake of the 1978 classic.
Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M
Kevin Sumlin’s excitement regarding his new role at Texas A&M is palpable; it’s his dream job, a role that lands him squarely in the big time of the SEC.
But, after the honeymoon is over, what is Sumlin actually going to do with a team that underperformed last year and now faces what is arguably the most difficult schedule in college football?
Sumlin’s agent needs to negotiate a “forgive and forget” clause for his contract that basically wipes out the memory of the 2012 season (and maybe 2013 as well), and doesn’t allow the outcome to count against him.
Bob Stoops, Oklahoma
What Bob Stoops has done for visor wearing is akin to what Kojak did for baldness.
Yes, Stoops has advanced the wearing of topless head gear in coaching to a point that it’s hard to know where one begins and the other ends.
Bob Stoops’ dream contract perk?
A lifetime supply, on a daily basis, of crisp white Nike visors.
Derek Dooley, Tennessee
Though some guys want contract pluses such as golf memberships, hot tub film rooms, Hollywood contracts and funds for a political campaign, Derek Dooley just wants the actual contract.
Yes, before adding any fluff, Dooley’s greatest contract desire, at least at this point in time, has to be holding on to the contract itself.
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