Why Your Favorite NBA Team Won't Win the Title
In the wise words of W.C. Fields (aka your grandparents' favorite comedian), "I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
That's a useful attitude to have when talking about the NBA in the age of social media and their attendant Ouroboros of reactions and reactions to reactions. No matter what you say, you're bound to irritate someone into a Twitter tizzy.
So, rather than try to tiptoe through the tulips like Tiny Tim, why not try to offend every team equally? That way, we can dive into the nitty gritty of what's going on with all 30 squads around the Association through the first week of the 2015-16 season while dodging accusations of bias toward or against one team or another.
To make these doses of Robitussin easier to swallow, we'll split the league into five tiers of current title contention, based on team performance to date and ranging from those without a snowball's chance in you know where to those who should have more than a passing fascination with Larry O'Brien and his trophy.
When Kanye Runs for President...
Los Angeles Lakers
Good news, Lakers fans: Head coach Byron Scott seems to have seen the light. A year after their head coach threw shade at three-pointers, his Lakers are leading the league with a would-be record-setting 34.3 long-range attempts through their first three games.
The bad news? They might be proving his point. The purple and gold have knocked down just 29.1 percent of their treys thus far. Kobe Bryant's early shooting woes (6-of-29 from three) haven't helped.
"I freaking suck," he said after L.A.'s 103-93 loss to the Dallas Mavericks on Sunday, per Bleacher Report's Kevin Ding.
His words, not mine.
Philadelphia 76ers
It's all about patience for the 76ers...according to LeBron James, who restrained himself to just one four-year sabbatical before turning Cleveland back into a title contender at the drop of a hat.
"It's all a process," James said, according to ESPN's Dave McMenamin. "Everyone wants instant oatmeal, but it's always a process."
Philly's bowl of oatmeal isn't entirely without goodies. Jahlil Okafor's 26-point pro debut, Nerlens Noel's opening double-double and Sauce Castillo's first two threes as a Sixer lent some flavor to an otherwise uninviting batch of breakfast slop.
Brooklyn Nets
At least the Lakers and Sixers can find some comfort in their ongoing growing pains. The Nets, on the other hand, have been shellacked by more than 17 points per game through their first three, despite sporting their fair share of veterans.
And it's not like Brooklyn is trying to tank this season, either. In 2013, they ceded control over their first-round picks through 2018 to the Boston Celtics in order to bring Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Jason Terry to the Hipster Kingdom.
Which is to say, the Nets better pray for better luck in free agency. Otherwise, they'll be eyeing a long, Westerosi winter.
Orlando Magic
So far, the kids are alright in Orlando. The Magic have hung tough with three likely playoff teams to start the season, thanks to Victor Oladipo's heroics, Mario Hezonja's fearlessness and the steady production of Nikola Vucevic and Tobias Harris.
But, like every young team in history, this group still has to learn how to close out games. They blew a five-point lead in the final two minutes against Washington and an 18-point fourth-quarter advantage to Oklahoma City before going cold during their near-comeback in Chicago on Sunday.
Portland Trail Blazers
C.J. McCollum sure seems to be enjoying his steadier diet of shots. Through the Blazers' first three games, the former lottery pick out of Lehigh has turned his 19.7 attempts into 22.7 points on 45.8 percent shooting (40.9 percent from three).
Damian Lillard sports an identical scoring average, but his shooting marks (39.7 percent from the field, 30.4 percent from three) leave much to be desired for the two-time All-Star.
That still beats what Portland's seen from Meyers Leonard: 7.0 points, 4.0 rebounds, 32 percent from the field, 15.4 percent from three.
Denver Nuggets
Emmanuel Mudiay may be young, but even he knew not to read too much into Denver's 20-point pounding of the Houston Rockets on opening night.
"I'm the last one to get too high after a win like this, because I had 11 turnovers," the rookie said afterward, per the Denver Post's Christopher Dempsey. "I don't get too high or too low, but I'm my hardest critic. So I'm definitely criticizing myself right now."
The 19-year-old has since cleaned up his ball-handling act somewhat—four turnovers apiece against Minnesota and OKC—but his Nuggets lost their last two games by a combined 41 points.
Hanging in Poot Lovato's Basement
Houston Rockets
Remember how Ty Lawson's arrival was supposed to usher James Harden into the 50-40-90 club? Looks like the Beard may have to work harder for his membership.
Here's USA Today's AJ Neuharth-Keusch with the update: "Harden has shot 22 percent thus far—half of his percentage from last season. From the three-point line, he's been even worse, shooting an abysmal 9 percent."
Even Meyers Leonard could lend a helping hand right about now.
New Orleans Pelicans
Forget those 50-win projections. The Pelicans will have to put their playoff hopes on hold until they get healthy on the perimeter.
With Tyreke Evans, Norris Cole and Quincy Pondexter sidelined and Jrue Holiday stuck with a minutes restriction, New Orleans hasn't been able to stop anyone from the outside (29th in opponent three-point attempts, 28th in opponent three-point percentage) and has struggled to set up Anthony Davis (40.7 percent shooting) with his usual diet of easy scoring chances.
Indiana Pacers
The Pacers' small-ball experiment is off to an inauspicious start, to say the least. Without Roy Hibbert and David West to mind the middle, the Pacers have slipped to 22nd in defensive efficiency, per NBA.com.
That slide was to be expected, given the change in personnel and playing style. Of greater concern is Indy's poor play on the offensive end. They're averaging about five more possessions per game than they did last season, but they're scoring just under eight points fewer per 100 of them. It doesn't help that Paul George, Reluctant Power Forward, has seen his shooting suffer so mightily (34.9 percent from the field, 15.4 percent from three) in his new role.
Milwaukee Bucks
For the first time since 1984, the Bucks got to open their season at home. To mark the occasion, Milwaukee treated its fans to...a 25-point beatdown at the hands of the New York Knicks, last season's biggest losers.
But that loss came without Giannis Antetokounmpo, who was suspended for the opener as punishment for his postseason altercation with Chicago's Mike Dunleavy. Naturally, the Greek Freak came back to average 23.5 points, 9.0 rebounds, 2.0 assists and 1.5 steals. The Bucks, though, dropped both games, including a 19-point annihilation in Toronto.
Maybe Jabari Parker, who's due to return from a torn ACL this week, will be the one to put Milwaukee over the top...
Boston Celtics
It's all well and good that the Celtics are so deep, with starting-caliber guys like Isaiah Thomas and Amir Johnson coming off the bench. But at what point should a team start to worry when its reserves are outscoring its starters?
Through three games, Boston's reserves did just that, dominating their starting counterparts on the scoreboard, 171-131. On the whole, that wasn't good for the C's, whose offense generated an anemic 94.1 points per 100 possessions.
Charlotte Hornets
Charlotte has started out the season in the bottom half of the NBA defensively—a predictable development, given Michael Kidd-Gilchrist's likely season-long absence. The Hornets offense, long lagging behind the league, is still languishing among the bottom 10 and could get worse if Cody Zeller has to miss significant time due to illness.
But hey, at least Jeremy Lamb, a perennial underachiever, got himself an extension...right? Does that count as good news?
Early-Season Fever Dreamin'
Detroit Pistons
The Pistons' sparkling 3-0 start has already been tempered by Jodie Meeks' latest foot injury, which is expected to sideline him for four months. Meeks' absence won't make it any easier for Detroit to sneak into a postseason field that, despite the East's weakness, could still be crowded, as NBA.com's David Aldridge noted:
"The problem for Detroit is that other than Brooklyn, I don't see any of the playoff teams from last season taking a huge step back. Meanwhile, Miami will be much better than it was last year, and New York and Indiana at least a little better—and none of those three teams made the playoffs last year, either.
"
Minnesota Timberwolves
Some in the Twin Cities are already convinced the T-Wolves can crack the postseason picture in the cutthroat Western Conference.
"I think we can make the playoffs," Ricky Rubio told NBA.com's David Aldridge.
As far as sheer talent is concerned, Minnesota has the goods to finish in the top eight. But there will be growing pains for this young bunch to overcome, tougher competition (than the Lakers and Nuggets) to dispatch and a deep field of more experienced squads with which to compete if these Timberpups are to do what no Minnesota team has done since 2004.
New York Knicks
It feels weird to have to dig so deep in search of something discouraging to say about the Knicks, especially coming off a 17-win abomination in 2014-15. Usually, the negativity writes itself in bold letters across the tops of Gotham's tabloids.
Of course, those Knickerbockers started the season 2-1, just as this year's edition has. That leaves 79 games for the sky to collapse on the team—not to mention all the Chicken Littles in the stands at Madison Square Garden.
Dallas Mavericks
It's a good thing Dirk Nowitzki is in such strong shape. As he wrote for his blog: "At age 37, I can say that I feel good and my body is prepared for season 18! I don't need to take any pills before games or practices. I still want to play and I still want to compete against the young guys."
The same can't be said for some of Nowitzki's teammates. Wesley Matthews and Chandler Parsons are getting their legs under them following major surgeries. Deron Williams is already battling a bum knee.
In the West, where perimeter play is paramount, the Mavs can ill-afford any further setbacks among their guards and wings if they're to secure another playoff spot.
Sacramento Kings
DeMarcus Cousins is already injured. This time, the All-Star center strained his right Achilles during a five-point loss to the Los Angeles Clippers on Halloween.
Folks in Sacramento will recall what happened when Boogie went down last season. A nasty case of viral meningitis put Cousins out of commission for about three weeks in the fall. By the time he returned, the Kings' encouraging 9-6 start had been washed away by a 2-8 slide and the firing of head coach Michael Malone.
Utah Jazz
Point guard play is paramount to survival in the Western Conference, and the Jazz just don't have much of it. Dante Exum's summer ACL tear has left Utah to lean heavily on an undersized non-shooter (Trey Burke) and an international rookie (Raul Neto) at the 1.
You can probably guess, then, that the Jazz have struggled to move the ball on offense. According to NBA.com, only the Phoenix Suns have logged assists on fewer of their baskets than has Utah, whose assist rate sits at a troubling 44.5 percent.
Not Quite in Need of a Miami Miracle
Washington Wizards
The Wizards' move toward a faster, smaller style of play has taken its toll on the team's once-elite rebounding ability. Washington has slipped to 14th in rebounding percentage, with Kris Humphries and Otto Porter Jr. replacing Nene and Paul Pierce, respectively, in Randy Wittman's starting lineup.
If Pat Riley's old aphorism ("No rebounds, no rings") still holds true, the Wizards shouldn't waste their time getting fitted for new jewelry.
Chicago Bulls
Is it really possible to have too much of a good thing? The Bulls will find out soon enough. Their frontcourt is so stacked that Joakim Noah, the league's Defensive Player of the Year in 2013-14, has been coming off the bench in Chicago under new head coach Fred Hoiberg.
As Bleacher Report's Sean Highkin pointed out, there's more than just pride at stake here for Noah: "Now, with everybody fully healthy, things get a little murkier. Noah will be a free agent this summer, and given his health history, he could lose some money on the open market if he comes off the bench all year."
He certainly will lose money if he continues to average a mere 2.5 points, 6.8 rebounds and 3.0 assists, as he did through the Bulls' first four games. How long can that go on until Noah, long Chicago's heart and soul, starts worrying about his own future?
Miami Heat
The backcourt partnership between Dwyane Wade and Goran Dragic remains more than a bit awkward—for Dragic, anyway.
Wade seems to be enjoying the arrangement just fine. The future Hall of Famer's leading his team in scoring (21.7 points) while chipping in 5.3 assists.
Dragic, on the other hand, has done well to dish out six dimes a game, but he is struggling to find his scoring touch. Through three games, the former All-NBA performer averaged a mere 9.0 points on 41.7 percent shooting (25 percent from three).
Not great for a guy who just signed a five-year deal to stay in Miami.
Phoenix Suns
Dominating a home-and-home set against the Blazers ain't what it used to be, now that 80 percent of that team's previous starting five is playing elsewhere. As such, it's tough to get too excited about the Suns' 2-1 start.
We'll know better what kind of squad Phoenix has on its hands soon, with games against the Los Angeles Clippers, Oklahoma City Thunder and red-hot Pistons upcoming.
There will be plenty of pressure for the Suns to keep it together. Head coach Jeff Hornacek's job could be riding on it, per Sports Illustrated's Chris Mannix.
Memphis Grizzlies
The day the Grizzlies stop defending like gangbusters is the same one when they can no longer count themselves among the West's best.
That day may be coming soon, if it hasn't arrived already. Memphis gave up an unsightly 104.2 points per 100 possessions through its first three games—the eighth-worst mark in the league—and watched Marc Gasol, its defensive anchor, suffer a finger injury Sunday.
Toronto Raptors
If there's any team in the NBA that knows how quickly a hot start can give way to a cold winter, it's the Raptors. Last season, Toronto shot out of the gate at 24-7 before a DeMar DeRozan injury and a Kyle Lowry slump doomed the team to a slide that ended with a first-round sweep.
How long will it be until this year's 3-0 record is buried beneath dinosaur fossils north of the border?
A Few Fixes From the Finals
Cleveland Cavaliers
Consider this slew of concerns listed by NBA.com's David Aldridge, in discussing LeBron James' back problems, and tell me you wouldn't be worried about the Cavs:
"Every little bit of information that keeps you going helps when you've turned 30. Even more so when Kyrie Irving and Iman Shumpert are still on the shelf, Timofey Mozgov is still feeling pain in his knee, Anderson Varejao and Kevin Love are just getting back up to speed after their injuries last season and it's been 51 years (and counting) since the last championship parade.
"
James may be able to drag all those wounded warriors through the weak East, but good luck to him faring so well against anyone from the West without sufficient support in the Finals.
Golden State Warriors
Contrary to what the early schedule suggests, the Warriors won't be playing the poor Pelicans every other night. That means they can't count on Stephen Curry exploding for 46.5 points per game.
It also means they'll need more from Klay Thompson, who has yet to shake free from whatever was plaguing him during the 2015 Finals. Through three games, Thompson scored just 13.0 points per game on 43.3 percent shooting (25 percent from three).
Speaking of Finals hangovers, Andrew Bogut's status is still up in the air on account of a concussion suffered in the season opener.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Evidently, Kevin Durant's foot is feeling just fine, thanks. The former MVP poured in 30 points per game on 48.3 percent shooting (40 percent from three)—including 43 points during a double-overtime win in Orlando—in his first week of regular-season action following his recovery from three foot surgeries.
But if the Thunder are going to run him out there for 38.7 minutes a night, as they did during the opening week, they'll be playing with fire in their quest to keep KD upright for a title run.
Los Angeles Clippers
On paper, the Clippers should be a top-notch rebounding team. Between Blake Griffin, a 20-10 machine; DeAndre Jordan, last season's rebounding champion; and Lance Stephenson, one of the game's more physical wings, L.A. is replete with players who can clean the glass.
Yet, the Clippers have done a poor job of collecting caroms thus far. Their dead-last ranking in offensive rebounding is no surprise, given Doc Rivers' philosophy that getting back on defense takes precedent over crashing the glass on that end.
But 24th in defensive rebounding percentage? With so much good size out West, how can the Clippers survive if they can't keep their opponents from punishing them inside?
San Antonio Spurs
LaMarcus Aldridge is already coming around and Kawhi Leonard looks like an MVP, but not all is well with every Spurs stalwart. Specifically, Danny Green (28 percent from the field, 13.3 percent from three through three games) can't seem to throw a beach ball in the ocean and Tony Parker's production continues to plummet.
Parker's decline is particularly troubling. It's one thing for his scoring and assist numbers to be down, what with Aldridge and Leonard assuming some of San Antonio's playmaking duties. It's another thing, though, for Parker to be turning the ball over and getting whistled for fouls more frequently than he ever has.
If Parker, 33, can't keep up with opposing point guards anymore, the Spurs could find themselves in a pickle out West.
Atlanta Hawks
Rebounding remains as big a problem for the Hawks this season as it was last. According to NBA.com, Atlanta ranks among the bottom four in offensive, defensive and total rebounding percentage.
That could change, when (or if) Tiago Splitter gets more playing time. But the Hawks—who finished 27th in total rebounding percentage in 2014-15—could find that old, bad habits die hard, right along with their hopes of winning the East.
Josh Martin covers the NBA for Bleacher Report. Follow him on Twitter.
