Redrafting the Monstars with Today's NBA Players
Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes would still be stuck on Moron Mountain if the Nerdlucks from Space Jam hired some NBA scouts.
Too small to win on their own merits, the amusement park’s minions morphed into the Monstars after stealing the talent of five professional hoopers. Due to their lack of basketball knowledge, suboptimal selections cost them the game and the rights to enslave Bugs Bunny’s troupe and His Airness.
They could have robbed anyone of their skills, but they chose Charles Barkley, Larry Johnson, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues and Shawn Bradley. Sure, taking the NBA’s shortest (Bogues) and tallest (Bradley) player worked on a comedic level, but imagine if they instead absorbed the skills of Reggie Miller, Scottie Pippen, John Stockton and/or Karl Malone.
The Monstars can’t make the same mistake again. Let’s help the villains by establishing the perfect squad to win a modern rematch against the Tune Squad. Since he’s set to star in the sequel, per Rebecca Ford of Hollywood Reporter, LeBron James is on their side and therefore ineligible for this roster.
In fact, the players will be picked knowing they must face King James. Since mutant giants with basement-low basketball IQ's won’t adapt perfectly to a pace-and-space style, tough, mean and strong stars with length and defensive tenacity heavily make up the roster.
Given the game's loose officiating 20 years ago, dirtiness is a positive rather than a detriment. To avoid another second-half meltdown, they will also locate some bench help this time around.
Here's whose talent the aliens should tap for the highly anticipated rematch.
Honorable Mentions
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Zach LaVine
The Monstars can add insult to injury by beating the Tune Squad with their biggest fan.
Zach LaVine won the 2015 Slam Dunk Contest while wearing a Jordan Space Jam jersey, and the young guard's exceptional leaping feats would play well in a game originally dominated by jams. If he escapes a Monstar fate, perhaps he can join the Looney Tunes instead.
They could add a larger dunking master in Blake Griffin, who knows the original Space Jam well and was Jordan's pick to take his mantle in the sequel. His comedic chops would add levity to another high-stakes showdown, but he also displayed a darker side when punching an equipment manager.
Kristaps Porzingis
If the Nerdlucks want another towering giant, they can find one far better than Bradley in 2016. New York Knicks sensation Kristaps Porzingis can run the floor, guard the interior and stretch the court with a smooth jumper.
The Unicorn would turn way more lethal if his gifts were harnessed for evil.
Isaiah Thomas
If they seek someone small and scrappy, they want Isaiah Thomas. The 5'9" Boston Celtics guard is averaging 26.0 points per game, and he won't back down from a larger adversary.
Stephen Curry
2 of 9
Neither side did much shooting the first time around. How much of that was by design as opposed to not having the proper personnel?
Moron Mountain messed up 20 years ago by not picking a single perimeter threat. Johnson led the way with a putrid 33.2 career three-point percentage, hardly potent enough to keep the Tune Squad on their toes.
Stephen Curry is an offensive monster, but his scrawny physique (for an elite athlete's standards) isn't ideal for a literal monster. Nevertheless, his speed, ball-handling and deadly shooting will prove a major asset against the Looney Tunes, especially if surrounded by imposing big men and lockdown defenders.
According to a Harvard Sports Analysis Collective study, the Monstars still made all nine of their three-point attempts, meaning they must also receive an elevated shooting bump. By that logic, an alien Curry could drain half-court shots whenever he pleased.
Would a Monstar version of Curry be any different than an NBA Jam iteration of the Golden State Warriors MVP? He's the offensive threat they need to prevent another late swoon.
Russell Westbrook
3 of 9
How can the Monstars match the Tasmanian Devil's energy? Russell Westbrook will put his motor to shame.
The Oklahoma City Thunder guard knows only one speed, playing every minute of every game with reckless abandon. He also operates with a chip on his shoulder, which will come in handy considering the Monstars' waning motivation in Space Jam's fourth quarter.
Imagine Westbrook in a virtually unsanctioned game without any whistles. Imagine Westbrook with extra strength, speed and viciousness.
His dunks are going to break hearts and backboards, and he'll simply celebrate by giving Bugs Bunny a death stare. Actually, the Monstars might not need to steal his talents. He might show up on his own accord to prove himself among the league’s elite.
He will, however, face a culture shock when a stout supporting cast hampers him from chasing another triple-double. As a result, Curry will play off the ball as Westbrook facilitates the juggernaut offense.
Kawhi Leonard
4 of 9
Kawhi Leonard is a must-get for the Monstars. If they assemble a wish list, he tops it.
Per Harvard’s research, Jordan made all 22 of his field-goal attempts in the original Space Jam. James won’t do the same on Leonard’s watch.
As Bleacher Report's Zach Buckley wrote in January, the San Antonio Spurs' two-time Defensive Player of the Year is the perfect antidote to James:
"Say you're a hoops-crazed mad scientist, and say you want to engineer the best possible answer to LeBron James. You can imagine the attributes: length, world-class athleticism, a turbo-charged motor and a genius-level basketball IQ. Add in some throwback cornrows and an expressionless stare, and guess what you'd have—soaring superstar Kawhi Leonard...
"
An alien version of The Claw would wield a wide enough wingspan to cover Texas. When Leonard contains James, the Tune Squad will need huge performances from Bugs and Lola Bunny to pull off another improbable upset.
The Monstars won't require much offense from Leonard, but he's turning into a two-way megastar with a career-high 24.6 points per game this season. Moron Mountain needs to have eyes on San Antonio at all times.
Kevin Durant
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The Monstars placed a premium on size against Jordan, but they can tower over James and the Tune Squad with well-rounded, vertically gifted superstars. Kevin Durant gives them the perfect stretch 4, morphing a smooth jumper with immense athleticism and underrated defensive tenacity.
During his early stint with the Warriors, Durant has proven he can play well with others. Through 18 stellar games, he's averaging 27.1 points per contest with a 57.0 field-goal percentage. He ranks second in player efficiency rating (PER) behind Anthony Davis and has accrued an NBA-high 4.1 win shares, according to Basketball Reference.
The biggest worry? Putting him back on the court with Westbrook. The Moron Mountain coaching staff—they should also absorb Gregg Popovich's basketball knowledge—must scatter their minutes better than Scott Brooks ever did while coaching the Thunder.
As long as the former teammates can coexist, they'll dominate with Durant spearheading a Thunder and Warriors alliance.
Losing his basketball abilities also won't pose a new conflict for the former MVP, as he has already encountered the same situation in Thunderstruck. On the down side, the talentless Durant may thus be better prepared to thwart their plans than anyone else in the Association.
Anthony Davis
6 of 9
Space Jam's animators better know how to draw a good unibrow, because Davis is starting up the middle for the Monstars.
The 23-year-old has attempted 2.3 threes per game for the New Orleans Pelicans this season, but that won't be necessary while sharing the court with Curry and Durant. He's a 66.2-percent shooter at the rim this year, a mark which should skyrocket given the Tune Squad's limited size.
Don't expect too many plays drawn up for Davis, who simply needs to catch lobs and finish with authority down low. He's on board because of his defense.
There wasn't a single block recorded in the last meeting, but bank on the Pelicans' big man correcting that oversight. Let's see Daffy Duck finish around the rim with the three-time All-Star roaming the paint.
The biggest question Moron Mountain must ask before infiltrating Smoothie King Center: Does their magical basketball also carry over a player's health history? Injuries are the only factor derailing Davis' path to superstardom, so he's a no-brainer if their sorcery makes them impervious to significant ailments.
Chris Paul
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Does experience translate to monster form? Just to be safe, let's give this young squad a sage floor general off the bench.
An ultimate competitor whose persistence occasionally borderlines on dirty, Chris Paul can run the offense while fervently guarding Bugs Bunny on the other end. The Los Angeles Clippers point guard won't like facing his banana-boat buddy, but that bond will make it tougher for James to separate the man from the Monstar.
While he has never reached the conference finals, CP3 leads all active players with 9.9 assists per game and a 3.43 steals percentage over his Hall of Fame career. The Tune Squad was far too callous with the ball 20 years ago, hampering their offensive output with 15 turnovers. Paul will not only recreate that havoc but turn those takeaways into fast-break points.
For all the talk of his teams' postseason shortcomings, he has averaged 21.0 points and 9.4 assists per playoff game, so he won't wilt under the galaxy-wide spotlight. If Curry goes cold or Westbrook and Durant tear each other apart arguing over a cupcake Instagram post, Paul will play the final minutes of a game which must go down to the wire for cinematic suspense.
As for the potential strain on their friendship, James will understand that friends sometimes get their skills kidnapped by aliens for the rights to enslave the world's most popular cartoon characters and basketball star. If not, maybe he's not a true friend after all.
Draymond Green
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Neither side can expect the officials to bail them out, especially if Marvin the Martian once again has the whistle. Zach Lowe broke down the referee's incompetence on Grantland two years ago:
"The two sides somehow select Marvin the Martian to referee the game, even though he has a long history of hatching evil schemes. He is either incompetent or a willful enabler of violence and rule-breaking. The Monstars brutalize the Tunes, slamming them with forearms, tackling them, and tossing them around the court. One of them even uses Elmer Fudd as a golf club to swing at a teed-up Tweety Bird.
"
If there's one man who will capitalize on a referee not calling a single foul, it's Draymond Green.
The Nerdluck who inherits his abilities need not worry about receiving flagrant fouls. Since this is not a best-of-seven series, he also won't face any suspensions for his actions. In fact, Mr. Swackhammer will probably encourage Green to kick James in the groin as often as possible.
In such a physical contest, Green could prove an equally valuable defender to Leonard. Given the All-Stars on board, it will help if one Monstar has experience taking a backseat to big names and playing his part.
With Davis and other backup bigs, he can play the 4 in a modified Death Lineup. Often considered Golden State's heart and soul as it attempts villainy, he'll inject the Monstars with the same scoundrelous edge. (They could take Klay Thompson's talents too, but Steve Kerr needs someone to stay on Earth.)
DeMarcus Cousins
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After loading up on two-way studs, the Monstars can indulge their hunger for an old-school big who will bully the puny Tune Squad. The NBA's premier low-post scorer still standing, DeMarcus Cousins should give the Looney Tunes nightmares.
Making the most of a bad situation, Cousins has compiled 28.7 points and 10.4 boards per game for the Sacramento Kings this season. The 6'11", 270-pound center provides instant offense off the bench, and Leonard and Green will cover his defensive shortcomings.
The 26-year-old has worked to curtail his temper, but the Monstar can unleash his unrestrained anger in a chaotic atmosphere. Wile E. Coyote got away with attaching dynamite to the backboard last time, so Cousins need not fear a referee whistling him for a technical or flagrant foul. Throw an elbow or two to see how it feels. Put some extra oomph on it.
Handed a villain persona throughout his career, this altered Cousins can fully embrace the role by ferociously dunking on the animated TV stars. Could being a Moron Mountain attraction be any worse than spending six years stuck on the Kings?
Note: All advanced NBA stats courtesy of Basketball-Reference.com. Space Jam stats obtained from The Harvard Sports Analysis Collective.
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