One Celebrity Spokesperson for Every NBA Team's Star
Now that the trade deadline has passed, tradable players are no longer being peppered with questions and speculation regarding their possible landing spots. Others are just plain pissed off that they have to sit around and listen to the rumors. Don't you just love the media?!
In other words, the trade deadline affects everyone involved in and following the NBA, including people like me, who wonder stuff like this: What if every NBA star had a celebrity to be his spokesperson?
After all, Mr. President gets to do it, and we treat our star athletes like they're leaders of the free world, so why not?
For the sake of the players' sanity, I want to make sure we provide a celebrity spokesperson for every team's star player.
After all, many celebrities are very well-spoken and could give some of these guys the marketability that they pine for.
Feel like I missed any obvious ones? Leave a comment down below!
Atlanta Hawks Forward Josh Smith: Usher
At this point, Josh Smith is like a mini-LeBron James when it comes to abandoning his home city. Smith is an Atlanta native and feels that he's been unfairly treated. As a result, he wants out of Georgia and probably wouldn't mind taking his talents...anywhere.
Smith needs someone who can distract people and really make them remember how great he was for the city for eight years. Usher would be great for Josh Smith because he's an attractive, successful entertainer that could showcase his talents and make everyone forget how much of a baby Smith has been.
Reporter: "So where is Josh headed?"
Usher: "Baby let me love you down..." (Serious question: How does that video have 70 million views? Usher's the man, but COME ON.)
Usher also went to high school in Atlanta, and even though he's not exactly a regular at Hawks games, he's a decent role model for the city.
Boston Celtics PG Rajon Rondo: Neil Patrick Harris
Rajon Rondo often seems like a magician on the court.
Famous for his womanizing role on the show How I Met Your Mother, Neil Patrick Harris would be a great candidate for Rondo's spokesperson. In his role as Barney Stinson on HIMYM, Harris loves magic and is constantly playing tricks on people.
It turns out that NPH is actually just as into magic in real life as he is on the show (although decidedly less into ladies). (That site is kinda scary, huh?)
While you could argue that Gob from Arrested Development is the best magician character of all time, Will Arnett isn't into magic in real life, so it just doesn't work as well.
Reporter: "So where's Rondo going?"
NHP: "I'm going to saw Rajon in half later. Then maybe you'll quit pestering me."
Charlotte Bobcats Guard Kemba Walker: Tiger Woods
Kemba Walker grew up in NYC and completely dominated at a young age, playing on an AAU team that finished ranked No. 1 in the nation.
Now he's on the Bobcats and they're 6-34, the worst team in the league by three games. Kemba himself is performing solidly, averaging a 12-3-4 line in 28 MPG. No numbers can make up for playing for the laughingstock of the league, though.
Here's where Mr. Woods comes in. Obviously Tiger knows what it's like to be at the top.
He also knows a little something about being in the deepest depths of media hell.
I sense that Tiger could empathize with the sensation of being on top of the world for such a long time and then being forced rudely back to reality.
Chicago Bulls PG Derrick Rose: The Incredible Hulk
I don't know what it is, but it kinda seems like Derrick Rose is always about to freak out and go aggro on somebody. This is an awesome quality if you're a Bulls fan but a little scary if you're anyone else in the NBA.
Especially after the recent incident where he told reporters that he just didn't want to hear anyone talk about Dwight Howard anymore, it seems like D-Rose needs a massage and someone to talk to the media for him.
The Hulk would probably just scare them away instantly, and Rose could go back to scaring the Pacers into hibernation. The Hulk doesn't take kindly to celebrations on the other team's home court, please and thank you.
Cleveland Cavaliers Center Anderson Varejao: Justin Guarini
As a fellow frizzy-haired freak, I know what it's like to deal with a mop like that on your dome. It becomes your identity, and people tend to have a hard time seeing you as anything but wild and out of control.
Before Varejao got hurt over a month ago, he was having the best year of his career. There's no denying that he could have helped the Cavs pull off a non-embarrassing season. ('Cause when you're a team in Cleveland, all you're trying to do is not embarrass yourself. Except for the Browns. Oh wait, no. They blew it too. It's fine, Robert Griffin III won't be good anyway. Right?!?!)
Justin Guarini, runner-up on the first season of American Idol (10 years ago—what?), has the same misunderstood hairdo as Varejao. I see this as a great combo. Plus, how funny would it be to see Guarini actually being mistaken for Varejao in the locker room?
Dallas Mavericks Forward Dirk Nowitzki: Lil Wayne
After Dirk Nowitzki won his first title with the Mavs last June, he partied with Lil Wayne. I just can't think of a better spokesperson for the Big German.
FF to 3:25 of this video and you'll understand why these two have a cosmic connection.
Reporter: "So, Weezy, how are Dirk's knees doing?"
Lil Wayne: "My name's Weezy F. baby and the F ain't fuh free..."
Lil Wayne: "Middle name Werner, go ask his attorney..."
Dirk's middle name is actually Werner. Dirk Werner Nowitzki. If you can say that even two times fast, you're on Weezy's level.
Denver Nuggets Center Chris "Birdman" Andersen: Ted Nugent
I know, I know. Birdman isn't even close to being the Nuggets' biggest star. (Although the Nuggets are an interesting team because they definitely don't have a front-runner. Ty Lawson? Nene? Andre Miller? Timofey Mozgov simply because he got Mozgov'd?)
Birdman is from Texas, and he decided before the lockout ended that he was going to start a celebrity redneck hunting show. It's too bad that never materialized, because imagine how psychotic rock star Ted Nugent would have reacted.
Nugent says that you have to be "brain dead" and "some kind of chimpanzee" to be against hunting.
I think they'd get along just fine.
Detroit Pistons Center Greg Monroe: Dennis Rodman
Admittedly, the only similarity these two have is that Monroe wears Dennis Rodman's now retired No. 10 jersey in Detroit.
They're both beasts on the boards too. I have a really hard time picturing Greg Monroe not enjoying the hell out of Rodman's company (and representation).
Also, Rodman is now 50 years old and a much calmer version of himself, as evidenced by his incredibly emotional Hall of Fame speech (FF to 5:57 to see how grateful the often-outlandish Rodman really is).
Houston Rockets Forward Luis Scola: Lionel Messi
Golden State Warriors Forward David Lee: Mike the Situation
I don't know. It just feels right. Plus there's no way I'm gonna call Andrew Bogut or Captain Jack a star.
I'm a Kings fan, so I really couldn't care less about this, but every single Warriors fan I've talked to so far HATES this trade.
Indiana Pacers Forward Danny Granger: The DUBYA!!!
After being selected as a McDonald's High School All-American, Danny Granger got into Yale but didn't go there because he wanted a better shot at the NBA. (He ended up at Bradley and then New Mexico, though, so I guess he didn't exactly move on to greener pastures.)
Say what you want about George W. Bush, but he attended Yale. Sure, he was arrested three times in the process, but seriously, who doesn't mess up every once in a while?
The Dubya would do a great job representing/hyping up Granger.
Los Angeles Clippers Forward Blake Griffin: Spike Lee
For those of you that don't remember (yes, I am one of those people), Spike Lee did an ad campaign for Jordan back in '91.
Blake Griffin paid homage to that campaign when he hyped his buddy and former USC tight end Jordan Cameron right before the 2011 NFL draft.
Of course, all of this is very confusing given Spike Lee's insane Knick fandom. On the other hand, in an age where LeBron James (from Cleveland) is inexplicably a Yankees fan and Lil Wayne (from New Orleans) somehow loves the Packers...
Spike could represent Blake fairly well up until the point where someone asks him where he wants to play next. I can see that going poorly.
Los Angeles Lakers Guard Kobe Bryant: Kanye West
It's only fitting that a guy who considers himself the God of basketball be represented by a guy who considers himself God, period.
It's OK, Kanye. Nobody else knows what the **** Kobe is talking about either.
Memphis Grizzlies Guard Rudy Gay: Jesus Shuttlesworth
I feel a UConn connection here (both Ray Allen and Rudy Gay are Huskies), but even more than that, Rudy defied the odds once by shooting one-handed free throws after a hard foul that rendered his left arm useless.
That's no one-on-one against your recently-released-from-jail father, but it sure shows you how determined he is.
Miami Heat Big Three: Charlie Sheen
LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh asked for all the media scrutiny when they celebrated in Heat uniforms in the most ridiculous fashion possible. You don't go parading around with a uni on saying you're going to win several titles before you've ever done anything as a team.
On the other hand, you gotta feel for them at least a little bit. At this point, the attention is unprecedented.
Nobody—and I mean NOBODY—deflects attention like Charlie Sheen. It'd be so easy to get the spotlight off the Big Three if Sheen was their spokesperson.
Reporter: "LeBron STILL passes at the end of the game. Does he have some chemical imbalance? What's wrong with him?"
Sheen: "He just needs to focus on WINNING."
(For the record, I'm just as annoyed at Charlie Sheen and that stupid catch phrase as anyone else is. I guess that's why he's a perfect fit for the Big Three.)
Milwaukee Bucks Guard Brandon Jennings: Leonardo DiCaprio
Brandon Jennings' assault on Kobe Bryant's snake-like demeanor took a step backwards when he said he was "just kidding."
DiCaprio's character in The Departed plays a similar role: deny, deny, deny (even when you're obviously lying).
Thanks, Leo! I'm sure Jennings will appreciate the bold-faced lying when it comes to the media.
Also, since Monta Ellis is a Buck now, I'd suggest comedian Kevin Hart.
I'm definitely not insinuating that Monta is a thug, but sometimes it's kinda hard to understand what he's talking about. I attribute more of that to the fact that he's from Mississippi and he has an accent. On the other hand, he does have a ridiculous tattoo that spans the better part of his upper body.
Minnesota Timberwolves Forward Kevin Love: Will Ferrell
New Jersey Nets Guard Deron Williams: Jay-Z
There's almost no need to explain it, but Jay-Z is a part owner of the Nets and Deron Williams IS the Nets. Brook Lopez (and the potential of MarShon Brooks plus newly acquired Gerald Wallace) aside, the Nets have little light at the end of the tunnel.
It's too bad they didn't move to Brooklyn a few years earlier because they might have attracted one of the league's many hipsters: Amar'e Stoudemire, Kevin Durant, Andre Iguodala, Baron Davis and OF COURSE, Dwight Howard.
Just for fun, here's one of Jay-Z's most underrated and under-appreciated tracks.
New Orleans Hornets Center Chris Kaman: Jared Allen
Chris Kaman recently posted this picture of himself holding a dead Bobcat right before the Hornets played the Bobcats. (The Hornets lost 73-71 as the Bobcats won just their sixth game of the season. Kaman was still solid with 12 points, 16 rebounds and three blocks.)
Luckily, there's someone that can help him both with his Bobcat hunting and his competitive spirit: Vikings DE Jared Allen. Allen is known for his hunting and his wild personality (last 10 seconds are golden).
Jared's great with the press too. Chris "The Caveman" Kaman never has to approach anyone in public again!
New York Knicks Guard Jeremy Lin: Danica Patrick
Jeremy Lin is the first-ever American-born player that is of Chinese or Taiwanese descent. While Danica Patrick isn't the only female ever to drive in NASCAR, she has blown the sport away with a groundbreaking cultural following. You could definitely say the same thing about Lin.
OKC Thunder Forward Kevin Durant: President Barack Obama
Kevin Durant is a megastar that deals with attention, hype and the pressure of heavy situations like a champion (although I suppose that's debatable since he's never actually won a title).
Barack Obama has done a (fill in the blank) job as president, but the one thing that he's done tremendously well is handle the media. He's very well-spoken conversationally, but he's also an incredible orator.
Durant led the Thunder to the Western Conference finals last year and showed some real signs of leadership.
Get this man some Barack Obama in his life!
Orlando Magic Center Dwight Howard: Nicolas Cage
If Derrick Rose thinks he's tired of hearing about Dwight Howard BS, there's no way that Superman himself isn't tiring of it at least a little.
I learned in Psych 101 that blowing off steam is actually not good for your mental health and typically leads to more violent behavior and fewer problem-solving skills.
(I feel the need to qualify that last statement with "I learned in Psych 101" because I'm one of those people that used to use the "I'm a bad test-taker" excuse when I barely passed a class. Perfect example here.)
That being said, I still think Dwight needs to scream and shout all night long until he's finally traded.
Magic GM Otis Smith just hasn't been able to find a good landing spot for him.
Dwight needs at least one Nicolas Cage-like freakout at the end of each phase in his career—and he can assure himself that his career will continue. (Isn't it just phenomenal that Cage has a scene where he screams and shouts as loud as he can in EVERY MOVIE HE'S EVER BEEN IN? What a G.)
Philadelphia 76ers Forward Andre Iguodala: Rihanna
I don't really think it's just because of this video (although it certainly contributed).
Rihanna has an intense swagger that just makes you feel like she's already giving Madonna a run for her money and if the circumstances were different, she'd already be Madonna.
Andre Iguodala's career has screamed of imperfection from day one, despite how incredibly talented he is and how much fun it is to watch him play. He's got that swag that keeps you coming back over and over again.
His stats are slightly down from years past, but he's hitting a better percentage from beyond the arc, and he's getting more rebounds and steals than ever before.
It'd be really fun to see Rihanna and Iguodala together, although we all know that mixing work and personal life doesn't always work out.
Phoenix Suns PG Steve Nash: Mia Hamm
Everyone knows Steve Nash is Canadian, but he was actually born in South Africa. That might explain why he can do stuff like this.
Retired pro soccer player Mia Hamm scored more international soccer goals than any other American player, male or female (158).
Why does this have anything to do with Nash? You can't tell me they wouldn't get along. I would have chosen Hope Solo, but it kinda seems like they don't get along.
Portland Trail Blazers Guard Jamal Crawford: Donald Trump
After being mired in a recruiting scandal while at Michigan, Crawford has emerged a better man and a much better basketball player.
You can tell he's sick of the constant trade rumors and all he wants to do is play basketball and let it happen if it's going to happen. Essentially, he wants his talent to speak for him.
There's no better man on earth when it comes to being direct than billionaire Donald Trump. Hell, Trump wouldn't even admit he was wrong when the USFL died due to his silly business practices.
Although I can't think of one thing they'd talk about over dinner, this seems like a perfect fit.
Sacramento Kings PF DeMarcus Cousins: Charles Barkley
When ex-Kings coach Paul Westphal got fired earlier this season, there was a lot of speculation that Cousins had something to do with it, or that he was perhaps somewhat of a tattletale.
While the Kings record isn't exactly a lot better right now than it was a year ago (14-29 as opposed to 16-49...who knows what's ahead?), Cousins has matured tremendously. It's pretty obvious at this point that DMC has been misunderstood for the better part of his life.
There aren't many people that reach the same celebrity status as a commentator as they did as an athlete. Sir Charles completely bucks that trend.
I expect DMC to be a true NBA star someday, wherever he may end up. Hopefully Charles follows him around.
Reporter: "So, Chuck. We've heard that DeMarcus is the one who got Westphal fired. Any comments?"
CB: "That's just turrible. Westphal let himself go! He didn't control the locker room, so whaddya expect? It's just ridic-a-liss."
San Antonio Spurs PG Tony Parker: Michael Cera
Ever since Michael Cera launched his acting career with his role as George Michael in hit TV show Arrested Development, he has been unable to get away from the exact same role. There's no denying it. Cera's character in the movie Superbad is almost the exact same as George Michael.
He's a great actor, but it's easy to question his chops when he constantly gets typecast.
Tony Parker? Same exact thing. Although he has won three titles with the Spurs, as well as an NBA Finals MVP Award (all before he was 26, by the way), I'll bet Parker's sick of still playing the same exact role for the Spurs. I'd want out.
Reporter: "So Michael, you have any idea what happened between Tony and Eva?"
MC: "I'm pretty sure that's a...uh...(shuffling feet, staring at the ground)...wildly inappropriate question to uh...be asking. I don't know, maybe you should ask her? Oh no, don't do that, uh...never mind. Thanks for the questions."
Toronto Raptors Guard DeMar DeRozan: Peter Pan
This man can absolutely SOAR. Apparently he could dunk when he was in the sixth grade. I smell a Tinker Bell reference.
And don't tell me it wouldn't make you at least a little happy to know that DeMar DeRozan was a big Peter Pan fan. Plus, doesn't DeMar's attitude kinda make it seem like he's in childhood purgatory?
Soar on, DeMar.
Utah Jazz Forward Al Jefferson: Martha Stewart
Al Jefferson seems like one of the most imposing players in the association. I mean seriously, anyone that makes their girlfriend bite them in a vicious manner needs someone on their side to bring their demeanor down a notch.
I really like Jefferson's game and think he has the potential to be a serious force for the Jazz in years to come. His court vision is getting better, and he's learning how to play with Devin Harris, Paul Millsap and C.J. Miles.
Martha could paint a perfect picture.
Washington Wizards PG John Wall: Enya
After averaging 16 PPG and 8 APG during his rookie year, I'm sure John Wall was thrilled to go into the offseason with hope for the future. Unfortunately the Wizards needed an overhaul, and nothing has changed since then.
I think what Wall needs is someone to remind him of the spiritual clarity that he must have needed to survive a tumultuous childhood.
Well, that plus nobody wants Wall going all Agent Zero on everyone.
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