'And Now for Something Different' Awards: 2016 NBA Offseason Edition
A little distance from June's NBA draft hoopla and July's frenzied free-agent activity helps put the offseason in perspective.
We've had time to digest everything, and we've probably already handed out mental (or otherwise) winners, losers, letter grades and all the usual awards. So why not distribute some different hardware while highlighting some of the best, worst, weirdest and most landscape-altering changes?
This edition of NBA offseason awards will force you to wrestle with the laws of physics, the Sacramento Kings potentially being one step ahead of everyone and, most importantly, face-melting.
Try to find all that anywhere else this summer.
Ark of the Covenant Face-Melt Award No. 1
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Co-Winner: Portland Trail Blazers
As the co-winner qualifier suggests, we're splitting this award between the Blazers and a team to be named later.
Anyway, there's a scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark where the Nazis foolishly open the ark of the covenant and get their faces melted off by the divine inferno that comes roaring out of it. It's iconic—the type of scene you probably know about even if you haven't seen the movie.
As such, it's the perfect widely understood cultural touchstone to contextualize the worst 2016 offseason moves, such as Portland's decision to give Evan Turner $70 million over four years.
Turner, a defensively suspect wing who shot 24.1 percent from three-point range last season and nearly washed out of the league before Celtics head coach Brad Stevens salvaged his career in Boston, reached his apex last season. All that meant was that someone finally figured out a way to utilize a marginal, flawed talent who's only useful in specific situations. Even then, his player efficiency rating was below league average—as it has been in every year of his career.
The Blazers already had two ball-dominant cornerstones in Damian Lillard and C.J. McCollum, and Turner has never had any value off the ball. Throw in the nearly $75 million Allen Crabbe signing (which came after Turner's), and the decision to ink the former Celtics wing looks even worse.
The cap spike made free-agent valuations go wild this summer, but no shifting economic reality justifies Portland's decision on Turner.
Ark of the Covenant Face-Melt Award No. 2
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Co-Winner: Los Angeles Lakers
Timofey Mozgov ranked 70th (out of 71) among qualified centers in ESPN's real plus-minus last year. That's where you have to start.
Ineffective play forced him out of the Cleveland Cavaliers rotation, though it's only fair to note offseason knee surgery could have caused his performance dip. Recent operations—especially those a player never seemed to recover from—aren't exactly great reasons to sign a 30-year-old big man, though.
The Lakers made him the first addition of the free-agency period anyway, jumping at the chance to give Mozgov $64 million over four years on July 1. They beat a rush that didn't exist.
Now, is Mozgov likely to be better than second-to-last among centers this year? Probably, but that's because it would be so hard for him to get worse.
This, like the Turner signing, cannot be explained away by the rising cap, as NBA analyst Sam Vecenie noted: "It’s funny there are people going, 'Yeah, that’s the going rate and market for Timofey Mozgov in this climate.' No, it’s not. It’s a bad deal."
The Lakers aren't on the brink of contention, and though they may have had to overpay to lure free agents to a mostly hopeless short-term situation, they could have spent that Mozgov money on younger, more promising talents.
The Mozgov deal was a face-melter. Don't look directly at it.
Please Let This Work Award
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Winner: Utah Jazz
I'm in the tank for the Jazz this year; I can't hide that after ranking them fourth in the post-free-agency power rankings. So there's some selfish motivation in giving them this award, as Utah needs to be good in order to justify my possibly overzealous belief.
Adding George Hill was perfect. He defends both backcourt positions, hits open threes, runs a mistake-free offense and complements the Jazz's other key guards: Dante Exum, Rodney Hood and Alec Burks.
There's more disaster potential in veteran additions Joe Johnson and Boris Diaw, as the former is 35, and the latter has historically mailed it in when not satisfied with his situation. Remember Charlotte Bobcats Boris Diaw? The one who got waived?
That guy had better not show up in Salt Lake City.
Still, this should work. The Jazz added players at positions of real need. Better health for a wildly talented roster should prevent the new additions from having to do too much. Here's ESPN.com's Kevin Pelton with some optimism:
"I could see this deep, versatile group having a run similar to the post-Carmelo Anthony, pre-George Karl firing Denver Nuggets, who won 57 games in 2012-13 before falling in the first round of the playoffs without the injured Danilo Gallinari. That's the upside, I think, with a win total in the mid-50s being a more realistic target in a couple of years if the Jazz can re-sign [Derrick] Favors and [Gordon] Hayward.
"
Come on, Jazz. Nothing's stopping you from making this year The Year.
They Must Know Something We Don't Award
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Winner: Sacramento Kings
Already got DeMarcus Cousins, Willie Cauley-Stein and Kosta Koufos? Well, then, better draft two more centers!
Not sure if a point guard depth chart that consists of only Darren Collison is enough? Dump $24 million over three years on journeyman Garrett Temple while letting Seth Curry walk for nothing!
"I really don't understand it, but I do my job," Cousins said after the Kings reached for Georgios Papagiannis in the 2016 draft at No. 13, per Jason Jones of the Sacramento Bee.
There are a couple of interpretations available here. The familiar one is most tempting: The Kings still don't have a plan, still can't evaluate talent and still have no idea what they're doing.
But what if Kings general manager Vlade Divac knows something we don't? What if he's privy to secret information on upcoming rule changes?
If the NBA demands all teams must play at least four centers at once next year, who's the team without a plan now? And if the league decides 16-foot turnaround jumpers are suddenly worth three points, guess who's sitting pretty with new signee Arron Afflalo on the roster?
Something to think about.
This Will Be Complicated Award
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Winner: Chicago Bulls
On paper, there's real appeal to a starting five of Rajon Rondo, Dwyane Wade, Jimmy Butler, Nikola Mirotic and Robin Lopez. Any deeper examination than a "Hey, look at those names!" approach uncovers a potential mess.
Philosophically, the Bulls made a strange choice, as the CBSSports.com staff explained: "The Bulls obviously needed to move on from the [Derrick Rose-Joakim Noah-Tom Thibodeau] era, and they have done that. The problem is that they have not followed any sort of plan while doing so. They were supposed to be getting younger and faster, but instead they signed Rondo and Wade."
Rondo made the Kings worse last year when he was on the court, and his ball-dominant style doesn't foster a good uptempo, transition attack. Remember, before that, certified offensive warlock Rick Carlisle couldn't get anything out of him in Dallas, either.
Wade also needs the rock, and he, like Rondo, has a long history of three-point inaccuracy. Butler, coming into his own as a star, was supposed to get more touches and chances to facilitate this year. But replacing Rose with two guards who need the ball won't help that happen, despite their comments to reporters that suggest otherwise.
Maybe there's a way for this to work. Maybe Mirotic's spacing at the 4 will compensate for the lack of it in the backcourt. We could even see the Bulls play some weird inverted offense with Wade on the block and the bigs outside the lane.
More likely, Chicago will quickly discover it put together a bunch of parts ill-suited for today's game. Figuring out how to coax any scoring flow from this group could be a real challenge, and head coach Fred Hoiberg didn't blow anyone's expectations away in that regard last year as the Bulls missed the playoffs for the first time since 2007-08.
That Escalated Quickly Award
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Winner: Golden State Warriors
Best Offseason, Flaming Harbinger of Flawed Collective Bargaining, Most Unfair, Greatest Affront to Competitive Balance—these and dozens of other hyperbolic awards could all belong to the Warriors after they added Kevin Durant to a 73-win roster that still has its key pieces.
It's all a matter of perspective, really.
Warriors fans are still trying to process the ridiculousness of a team with two in-prime MVPs, not to mention the overwhelming joy of not having paid Harrison Barnes a max deal to stay.
Detractors are vilifying Durant, or at least calling him a front-runner.
Neutral parties are wondering what this all means, how the pieces might fit and whether the first-ever Super-Duper Team (trademark pending) is a good thing.
Wherever you stand, Golden State deserves some kind of award. Because there are so many positions to take—the team got better, the takes hotter and the vitriol frothier, all immediately upon the Durant signing.
New Sheriff in Town Award
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Winner: Minnesota Timberwolves
It's always hard to gauge the impact of a coach.
Is a brilliant one worth 10 more wins than an average one? Fifteen more than a bad one? Or is it less significant than that?
We'll get a good case study in Minnesota, where the Timberwolves replaced Sam Mitchell (probably closer to bad than average) with Thibodeau. This won't be a perfect test, of course, as the Wolves should expect organic improvement from young stars Karl-Anthony Towns and Andrew Wiggins. New additions Cole Aldrich, Brandon Rush and rookie Kris Dunn should help too.
Thus, at least some of the reason for likely improvement won't come from Thibs.
But Thibodeau turned a No. 10 defense into the league's best during his first year with the Bulls (2010-11). Then he guided that franchise to top-10 finishes in defensive efficiency every year until 2014-15—when it finished 11th by one-tenth of a point, per NBA.com.
Minnesota was atrocious on D last year, allowing 107.1 points per 100 possessions, and it hasn't made the playoffs for a dozen seasons. There's nowhere to go but up, and Thibs has a history of success that suggests the ascent could be rapid. Durant was certainly the biggest on-court offseason move, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a sideline tweak with more impact potential than the coaching change in Minnesota.
Better Late Than Never Award
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Winner: Boston Celtics
All those picks didn't yield a star in a draft-day trade, which was disappointing to those expecting the Celtics would finally cash in their assets for a difference-maker. Fortunately, Boston snagged Al Horford in free agency. Star secured!
And it didn't cost any future picks or young talent.
With Horford serving as the focal point, the Celtics should leapfrog the Toronto Raptors and finish second in the Eastern Conference.
"I think that he’ll help make our other guys better," Stevens said of Horford, according to Darren Hartwell of NESN.com. "And any time you have a guy that, again, has achieved what he has achieved, he can help share a lot of tricks of the trade with others. And we still have a very young team."
The youth component is key, as Boston's decision to sign a star instead of trade for one allows two contention windows. Right now, the Celtics can lean on Horford, Jae Crowder and Isaiah Thomas. As that trio ages, No. 3 pick Jaylen Brown could develop into a new cornerstone. Had Boston swapped its assets for a star, that latter long-term window might not be open.
Patience paid off for the Celtics.
Don't Look Down Award
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Winner: New York Knicks
You know how Wile E. Coyote sometimes runs straight off a cliff but stays suspended in midair until he looks down? When the reality of his situation confronts him in a way he can't ignore, only then do the rules of the world—logic and gravity, mainly—apply. Only then does he fall.
That's the Knicks.
This summer, they ran off a cliff by spending big on a multiyear deal for Noah, adding Rose via trade and trusting Brandon Jennings to play potentially big minutes as a backup point guard (bigger if Rose goes down). There's a scenario in which everyone stays healthy, the big acquisitions reverse their downward trends (in Noah's case) or prove small recent samples (Rose and his second half) mean there's a higher baseline than anticipated.
If those things happen, Carmelo Anthony doesn't slip during his age-32 season and the remaining remnants of the triangle somehow work in head coach Jeff Hornacek's system, maybe the Knicks will sneak into the playoffs.
But if something predictable goes wrong, if Rose gets hurt or Noah looks finished, well, that's the equivalent of reality butting in and sending the Knicks hurtling to the bottom of a gorge.
Stats courtesy of NBA.com.
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