Oh no, watching your ex-boyfriend get all the way to the precipice of greatness and then choke while the world is watching—that’s satisfaction. Isn’t it, Cleveland?
A super villain couldn’t have planned it any better. The man who dared host a network special about the world-wide relevance of his relocation is now licking his wounds after a loss beside the best talent he’s ever called teammate.
Jerseys will burn, children will cry and commentators will sermonize on whether LeBron should have “not as good as Jordan” etched into his tombstone. And all LBJ can do is wear the scar with the best fake smile he can muster.
Yup, Cleveland, you’re probably feeling pretty good about yourself right now. At least I hope so because I’d really like to see you get over being dumped and move on with your life.
I love ya, but it’s hard watching you plaster your roadside billboards with “Quitness” 11 months after the fact. It’s hard sitting next to you at a bar, drowning in the deluge of your hate for one former player.
And it’s hard to believe you give a crap about the current Cavs team when you’re throwing defeat parties for last year’s superstar.
Revenge-based satisfaction just doesn’t last, so let’s face some hard facts. Like the first wife of many professional athletes, when fame and opportunity collided, you got traded in for a superior model.
Snow, crime and crumbling infrastructure or beaches, opportunity and hot women in bikinis? It’s not a hard decision when you think about it.
He left you, and instead of showing him what he’s lost, you’ve done a damn fine job of showing him that you were a little crazy, and he was lucky to get out before you tied him up like Kathy Bates tied up James Caan in Misery.
You may have won yesterday’s game Cleveland, but what happens from here on? LeBron will wake up in paradise, do shoe commercials and test drive cars none of us can afford. You’ll wake up after getting drunk at a hate party. That’s showing him.
Meanwhile, other players will have their own decisions to make about whether they want to start a relationship with you. They’ll remember how crazy you went on your last boyfriend and wonder if you’re good looking enough to take the risk.
They’ll wonder if you’ve moved on yet. What will you tell them that can speak louder than the last 11 months?
I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t think the odds are too good that you’ll be going to any victory parties of your own anytime soon.
So I guess all I can say is, congratulations; LeBron lost.
Ohio native Dirk Hayhurst is a pitcher in the Tampa Bay Rays organization, currently playing for the Triple-A Durham Bulls, and has appeared in the major leagues with the San Diego Padres and Toronto Blue Jays. He is the author of the New York Times bestseller The Bullpen Gospels: Major League Dreams of a Minor League Veteran. Follow him on Twitter: @TheGarfoose