NBA Power Rankings: Ron Artest and Player From Each Team You Don't Want To Fight
Every team needs at least one player that can lay the smack down.
The guy who will give opponents subtle reminders, like a hard screen, a flying elbow or a kick to the head, that they are indeed in someone else's house.
You know the guy who lets others know that they had best check themselves before they wreck themselves.
Of course, some of these guys are more a product of bad temper then altruism, but the cause has little effect on the result.
Anyway you slice it, the following ballers can bring the pain.
Boston Celtics: Shaquille O'Neal
1 of 30Shaquille O'Neal has been subjected to as many hard fouls as anyone in basketball. He doesn't get pissed off often, but it happens.
A punch from Shaq could kill someone. The guy is 7'1" and closer to 700 pounds than the 315 they list for him.
To top all of that off Shaq got boxing training on his Shaq Vs. show.
I am also guessing in his 1,200 hours of police training they taught him how to use a billy club and a gun.
New Jersey Nets: Sasha Vujacic
2 of 30
Remember in the intro when I said every team had to have one burly imposing fighter? Well, as the Nets were compiling a roster that they could trade for Carmelo Anthony they forgot this rule.
While Brook Lopez and Derrick Favors could do some damage, they are not in the league of the others on this list.
One man—for an entirely different reason—is though: Sasha Vujacic.
A punch to Sasha would be a blow to your sex life.
If you were to smash his angelic face women everywhere would never forgive you.
New York Knicks: Ronny Turiaf
3 of 30
Ronny Turiaf plays with violent passion. His movements are filled with much more aggression than grace.
Anyone starting a fight with Turiaf best be prepared to finish it, because he is not going to quit.
You are talking about a guy that returned to the NBA less than six-months after having open-heart surgery.
I don't think a few punches are going to slow him down.
Philadelphia 76ers: Elton Brand
4 of 30
Elton Brand has succeeded down low and on the boards in the NBA despite his length, because of his strength.
He has solid core strength and a good center of gravity for someone 6'9".
Opponents of Brand would be left hoping he injures himself before he does harm to them. This, of course, is a very real possibility.
Toronto Raptors: Reggie Evans
5 of 30
If you are sporting the bald head, mustache-less beard look, you are one of two things:
A) Amish
B) Bad-Ass
I am pretty sure Reggie Evans is not Amish.
Reggie is all elbows and vigor when he plays. Ten seconds of watching Evans on the court and you are pretty sure he is the type of person that gets into head-butting contests with inanimate objects.
Chicago Bulls: Carlos Boozer
6 of 30
Do you know anyone named Boozer who doesn't like to fight?
Carlos and his feisty self is no different. At 6'9" and 270 pounds he is certainly well equipped to get into a brawl or two.
I think his arms are bigger than my legs. Also, look at that jaw extension! Boozer doesn't block punches, he just bites off fists.
Cleveland Cavaliers: The Roster
7 of 30
Fighting anyone on the Cleveland Cavaliers is a no-win situation.
It'd be akin to picking a fight with an 80-year-old woman who just got out of surgery to have her eyes removed.
"Yeah, how'd my knuckles taste random crippled old lady?"
And let me tell you, that is not as rewarding as it seems.
Detroit Pistons: Richard Hamilton
8 of 30
The guy is just way too comfortable in that mask.
Sure, you may kick his ass, but next thing you know, you are gaining consciousness while the missing flesh off of your leg is now an intricately stitched lamp shade beside you.
Then, in the corner of the flesh filtered light, is good ol' Rip handing you a bottle of Jergens.
"It rubs the lotion on it's skin!"
Indiana Pacers: Tyler Hansbrough
9 of 30
Hansbrough is a clean cut Captain America type, but he certainly isn't afraid to get physical.
He is a well-built 250 pounds.
More importantly, for this list, he looks like someone who spent his childhood wrestling with brothers, cousins and dogs the size of small deer.
I am guessing if he got pissed off enough to fight, he could have someone tied up like a pretzel in 1.5 moves.
Milwaukee Bucks: Jon Brockman
10 of 30
If I were to think who in the NBA reminds me of the greatest fighter to ever step into life, Rocky Balboa, I would say Jon Brockman—except Jon Brockman isn't a borderline midget.
Brockman is all heart, desire and raw egg drinking focus.
Opponents would throw punches at Jon and he could just block them with his face until their hands broke.
He is 255 pounds of muscle, and the only part of his head that doesn't look like it is stone, only harder, is his fantastic grizzly beard.
Atlanta Hawks: Zaza Pachulia
11 of 30
I know, I know I just said Jon Brockman reminded of Rocky more than any other player in the NBA, but that was before I realized his brother from an Eastern Bloc mother played for the Hawks.
"You aint so bad. You aint so bad!" Kevin Garnett never should have pushed and killed Mickey.
Zaza Pachulia doesn't take any crap, and he doesn't have to. He is 6'11" and 275 pounds of dynamite.
Charlotte Bobcats: Everyone Not Named Stephen
12 of 30
The only guy you want to fight on the Charlotte Bobcats is Stephen Jackson.
That way you'll know where he is. Rest assured if you start messing with one of his teammates Jackson is going to have his back.
It doesn't matter if you are a player, a fan in the stands, or the flower girl in a wedding—Stephen Jackson is going to come in with fists flying to protect his boys.
Miami Heat: LeBron James
13 of 30
If I, or almost any other human being, got in a fight with LeKing he would take his talents all over my South Beach.
Just don't tell him I said so. I wouldn't want him to get a big head.
Orlando Magic: Dwight Howard
14 of 30
The basketball in this picture is flying away from Dwight Howard out of the terror created by Dwight's anger.
This is the smartest basketball that ever lived.
Howard seems like a really nice dude and a fairly laid back individual, which is a good thing.
As my favorite basketball announcer, Kevin Calabro, once said, "Dwight Howard is so broad he gets stuck in the aisles of the grocery store."
Washington Wizards: Trevor Booker
15 of 30
Trevor Booker is like Charles Barkley only with muscle instead of gut. And when Barkley gets pissed people go through plate-glass windows.
Booker is 6'8" and he is pulling rebounds down through the trees and boxing out centers. This guy's muscles have muscles and each one is stronger than the culmination of my body.
Golden State Warriors: 林书豪 (Jeremy Lin)
16 of 30
There are many, many reasons to not fight Jeremy Lin—I don't know that his fighting skills are one of them.
Lin has a powerful fan base. He is the first Chinese American in the NBA. That means beat up Lin and you can forget about getting a Chinese meal that hasn't been spit in anytime soon.
Maybe even more frightening is the fact that he is the first Harvard graduate in the NBA in over 50 years.
This is one powerful alumni group. We are talking about presidents, Supreme Court Justices, and I am sure some heads of the World Bank or Free Masons or other super-secret organizations that causes all the conspiracies on this planet.
Beat up Lin and you're liable to wake-up dead in a world that never knew you existed.
Is that really worth it?
Los Angeles Clippers: Blake Griffin
17 of 30
Blake Griffin is a human powder keg—he contains bursts of violent explosions.
Getting in a fight with Griffin would be like stepping into Mortal Kombat.
You'd hear the words, "finish him," and then Griffin would unleash his secret move that is a 720-flip kick, which would result in your head detaching from your body.
He would then windmill dunk your head quick enough for you to actually see it flatten on the court. Fatality.
Los Angeles Lakers: Ron Artest
18 of 30
Ron Artest has been on his best behavior lately, but the frustrations are mounting.
You can see it coming as the perspiration builds on the outside of a heating propane tank.
You, I, and everyone else doesn't want to be anywhere near it when it blows.
When he does blow there is little doubt that the Pride of Queens will represent. Angering Artest at this point would be suicide by Ron.
Phoenix Suns: Grant Hill
19 of 30
Grant Hill, basketball player: a man barely alive.
Gentlemen we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man.
Grant Hill will be that man. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster.
Grant Hill couldn't walk across the street without suffering an injury that would cost him a season. Now they expect us to believe all of sudden he is an injury proof iron man? Yeah right.
If you piss off Grant Hill, get ready to get caught in slow-motion while a punch flies towards you that is backed by a springing sound-effect.
Sacremento Kings: DeMarcus Cousins
20 of 30
Meet Ron Artest Version 2.0.
Cousins appears to share Ron's crazy switch, and he's got 30 pounds on Ron.
Cousins is a beast, and he's got the psycho to back it up—a deadly brawling combo. He was recently involved in a scuffle with a teammate after a game, and the team chose to leave Cousins on the ground as they took off.
I wouldn't want to be locked in an airplane with an angry Cousins either.
Dallas Mavericks: DeShawn Stevenson
21 of 30
I've found it be a useful life-strategy to avoid fighting people with neck tattoos.
If DeShawn Stevenson ever gets a tracheotomy he could do a very convincing recreation of the Gettysburg Address.
Houston Rockets: Luis Scola
22 of 30
Look at that flat face. What are you going to do to him? This picture was taken after someone hit him in the head with a shovel.
"Uuuugh...Scola angry! Scola smash!"
Derek Fisher hit Scola right in the jaw with a flying head-butt and Fisher's head ended up being the victim. I mean this hit would've got Fisher suspended in the NFL for needless and excessive helmet-to-helmet contact.
It would kill some people.
Scola just bounced right back and gave his chin a slight rub. "Why Derek run into Scola? Scola's chin tingles."
Memphis Grizzlies: Zach Randolph
23 of 30
Zach Randolph is a bad enough dude by himself, but if you believe Gary Ferguson, Randolph will beat you up first and then his posse gets you the second time.
Ferguson's claims may be as illegitimate as Shawn Kemp's children, and he very likely provoked the first incident, but it looks as if Randolph ended it.
And that is certainly not surprising. There wouldn't be too many other outcomes when this 270 pound man/beast is involved.
New Orleans Hornets: D.J. Mbenga
24 of 30
D.J. Mbenga seems like a pretty cool dude, and this is a very good thing.
Anyone that has seen him play knows he possesses all the grace of a three-legged elephant.
Watching Mbenga try to shoot a jump shot it becomes crazily apparent that he would be more skilled mbengan some skulls than doing anything that requires touch.
San Antonio Spurs: DeJuan Blair
25 of 30
The guy's nickname isn't DeJuan Bear just because it is close to his real name—Blair is a beast.
He is 6'7" and 270 pounds of high-strung intensity. Earlier this season we almost had a clash of the titans as he and fellow list-mate Ronny Turiaf almost came to blows.
As bad a man I think Turiaf is, my money would be on the Bear in that fight.
Denver Nuggets: Kenyon Martin
26 of 30
Two items securely on my not to do list:
1) Do not insult Kenyon Martin's mother.
2) Do not fill Kenyon Martin's car full of buttered popcorn.
I think if I stay away from these two activities I can avoid K-Mart from offering a blue light special on whooping my ass.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Michael Beasley
27 of 30
Michael Beasley is certainly not the most physically imposing player on the list.
At 6'10" and 240 pounds, though, he is also far from puny.
It is not his size, but his intangibles that make B-Easy a fear-inducing brawler.
Beasley's history of depression and drug issues make him a sleeping dog who is best to not disturb.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Russell Westbrook
28 of 30
At first glance there is nothing imposing about Westbrook. At first glance there is nothing imposing about Manny Pacquiao either.
And that is exactly who comes to mind when I watch Westbrook explode up, down and off of the court.
Westbrook is fast, and as Slim Chin tells us, "Fast don't lie."
Westbrook would be impossible to hit. He could also lay such a flurry of punches on someone that they'd be knocked out before they knew they were fighting.
Portland Trailblazers: Greg Oden
29 of 30
There is a very good chance that anyone getting into a fight with Greg Oden would win by forfeit. He would probably just injure himself.
In the off chance his body did not break while getting angry enough to fight, his opponents would be in trouble.
Oden's career derailment from injuries leads to the kind of frustration that comes without an outlet. I wouldn't want to become the convenient face of that frustration in a fight.
"And this is for my knee! And this is for my other knee! And this is for leaking those naked pictures of me!"
Utah Jazz: Deron Williams
30 of 30
As Jerry Sloan knows, bad things happen when Deron Williams is upset with you.
Sloan has taken on and beaten down NBA heavyweights like Karl Malone, but when it came to a duel with Williams, Sloan was scared into retirement.
If a Hall of Famer and historically tough hothead like Sloan can't handle Williams, I want no part of him.
