Who’s excited for the biggest media whore since Lindsay Lohan?
Yawn. I’ll be watching paint dry before I flip to ESPN at 9 p.m. tonight.
According to ESPN, LeBron James is finally ready to make a decision. But unlike every other human being on Earth, he needs a one-hour special to say two words.
He must stutter worse than Milton in Office Space.
Sounds like a match made in Olympus, right?
Hades thinks so.
Let me set one thing straight first. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think these three superstars will have any problem playing with each other. They know how well a Big Three can work (i.e. Boston), so on the surface, it seems like a great choice.
But then why is LeBron going to the Heat the worst thing to happen to Miami since Will Smith came to town?
First, just look at their roster outside of Wade, Bosh and James. If rumors are true that the Heat will move Beasley so the three can have their max deals, it’s their fat paychecks and Mario Chalmers.
That’s the whole team. Ergo, the Heat would have more scrubs than Zach Braff.
When the Celtics put together their triumvirate, they had other pieces like Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins. Role players are all critical in title pursuit, and when they sign all players at the minimum, they might as well just pick 99 Cents store employees.
Actually, I prefer they do that. It would make for good TV.
The one advantage is that players may play for less money to come join the trio in Miami. Which is good news, except for the fact that the good players always ask for as much as possible.
Huh, I thought all that mattered was winning. Sounds like when Amy Winehouse says all that matters was going to rehab.
Now, look what this does to the city of Miami. Sure, home fans have plenty to cheer about, but will any one else? Average NBA followers hate teams that are perennially good and players who chase rings.
Doing both simultaneously makes you as beloved as a kitten strangler.
Sure, they will get some fair-weather fans, but will any good ones show up? With that kind of roster, it will turn American Airlines Arena into a celebrity showing, and the actual die-hard Heat fans will be sent home.
Since no good celebs already root for the Heat regularly, I don’t expect Jack to be switching teams.
From an individual standpoint, this decision seems even worse.
Let’s start with LeBron. Yeah, he can get more bling than Flava Flav, but is he EARNING it? NBA fans can easily say he took the path of least resistance by not trying to win a championship as the clear-cut number one.
Look at Kobe. He had three rings but was about as respected as R. Kelly as a middle school teacher until he won as the number one guy.
In Miami, he’s never going to have that chance. It’s Wade’s town. He runs it, end of story. Seven years in South Beach made him Miami’s first born son.
If the Heat start to slip, fans won’t turn on Wade. They will just beat up James like a rented mule.
Moving on to Wade, it doesn’t get much better. Sure, he gets the second option he craved, but he’s never one to take a back seat. With the clock expiring in the playoffs, he wants the ball like 14-year-old boys want sex.
Can he share that with James, who is used to having his four teammates walk off the floor in the waning seconds, letting him go one-on-five? I’m not so sure, because LeBron is a spotlight hog, and Wade won’t just give it up.
Lastly, this is bad news for Chris Bosh. Dynamic duos have almost always been remembered, and the third guy is often pushed to the backburner.
Try this little thing at home. Not including the Boston Celtics of the past three years because they are so fresh in everyone’s minds, try to think of the top player combinations in NBA history.
Michael and Pippen. Magic and Kareem. Shaq and Kobe. Duncan and Robinson.
Yeah, they can be in trios, but duos are much better remembered. Bosh now becomes the third wheel, and if you’ve ever had to wingman someone on a date before, you know how excruciating this can be.
If not, try poking your eyes with a steak knife. And then eating them.
So what should LeBron do? Turn away the Heat like they are a bad habit.
Make them live with their two superstars and make your name elsewhere. NBA lovers will always wonder why MJ, Duncan and Kobe were able to make their teams successful without ever leaving, but you just couldn’t.
What, are you scared you will be 31 and have bad knees?
I’ll send you a fruit basket to console you and your $120 million.
Deal with it.
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