Five Reasons Why LeBron James Will Move To the Chicago Bulls

Sometime in July, U-Haul will rent a truck to its most famous customer.  And where will that truck be headed?

We can postulate the only two rules LeBron will be considering this summer when the NBA’s biggest star grants some city what amounts to getting the Olympic Games: 1) he wants money…lots of money and 2) he wants a chance at a ring.

So, with that in mind, here is why LeBron will head for the Bulls (and do for Chicago what Obama could not).

1) The Knicks Suck

LeBron choosing New York would violate rule #2.

While the Knicks have the ante to get into the LeBron poker world series, he would have the same chance of winning a title in New York as Bombshell McGee does of winning a BET award. There are simply too many holes to fill.

I mean the Knicks, not Bombshell McGee.

And with every other team angling for Chris Bosh or Joe Johnson, it seems unlikely that the Knicks could afford two max player salaries and still acquire quality role players and a sixth man—all necessary for a title contender.

The Knicks are just now recovering from Isiah Thomas’ handling of the team which, in retrospect, was so spectacularly disastrous as to be, almost, impressive.

Forget the massive salaries he gave out or the bad trades he made and consider only this: so great was Isiah’s destructive talent that he managed not only to ruin the Knicks, but also single-handedly wiped out the NBA’s entire minor league system, the CBA.

Somewhere JaMarcus Russell is thinking, “Wow, now that’s an epic fail.”  

2) Don’t Tarnish the Image

LeBron has a carefully cultivated, and deserving, image as a class act—an act that earns him millions of dollars and does not need to be tainted by an organization or teammates whose decision-making or off-court smarts might be, um, questionable.

Hey, here’s a good example!

The Knicks’ Wilson Chandler was charged this week with possession of marijuana. The AP reported, “Police stopped Chandler at a corner in Queens Tuesday night around 11:15 p.m. for driving his Mercedes Benz with the headlights off.”

Genius.

In related news, when Knicks staff were asked who they would hypothetically choose as a lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire," Wilson Chandler placed 7th after Mike D’Antoni, Tracy McGrady, and "the lint that collects on the training tape."

To be fair though, League-wide opinion was hesitant. When one Knicks assistant coach was asked who he would choose as his lifeline—Wilson Chandler or a simple roll of duct tape— he responded,

"Duct tape!?....that's a tough call."

(Okay, that last part may not be true.)

3) The Sidekick

Jordan had Pippen, Magic had Worthy, Fred had Ginger.

Every great talent invariably needs a sidekick to reach his full potential.

In Chicago, LeBron would have the speed, smarts and scoring of Derrick Rose.

As the NBA equivalent of Holmes and Watson, the duo of LeBron-Rose would instantly become the best backcourt in the East. And there’s the off-chance they might start solving crimes together.

Maybe that’s just me…I thought that would be cool.

4) The Short List

Not everyone has the stakes to play the LeBron lotto, and of those that do there are only a few with the personnel that could form the nucleus of a championship squad, have a coach LeBron wants to work with and an owner committed to winning. The team that lands LeBron will have to have all three.

Yes, Bill Simmons, I’m looking in your direction.

LeBron, a Clipper!?

Really!?

5) Cleveland

Look, I like Cleveland as much as the next guy. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Drew Carey, you got the river there—all great stuff.

But let’s perform a little experiment.

Close your eyes and imagine you are a 25-year old multimillionaire who could live anywhere you wanted.

Now list all the places you would like to live in order.

Got it?

Okay now how many did you list before you came to Cleveland? 

I’m willing to bet your answer ranged somewhere between “a lot” and “Honestly, Cleveland? You’re kidding, right!?”

I feel bad for Cleveland fans, but I just don’t see it happening.

Maybe they’re cursed. Maybe they’re too close to Canada. You do know that Cleveland is the only city to have its river catch on fire, don’t you?

But I do know that when July rolls around, LeBron will be headed to Chicago.

Unless Cavs fans rent out all the U-hauls.

Then he can’t leave—all his stuff is there.