LeBron James' Free-Agency Ransom Note for Dan Gilbert

B/R

In late-breaking NBA news, a source close to the Cleveland Cavaliers has leaked what appears to be a list of free-agency demands sent from LeBron James to team owner Dan Gilbert.

Inexplicably written in red Comic Sans, the email arrived in Gilbert's inbox Wednesday morning, according to our source.

The missive appears to have been written by James himself and contains a list of 10 items Gilbert and the team must address before he re-signs with the Cavaliers this summer.

The following is a verbatim copy of James' demands. All grammatical errors and unreasonable notions are his, we think:

"

1. From now on, Coach Blatt gotta pose all of his playcalls in the form of a question. And every time he calls us "fellas" we get pizza.

 

2. Shump is no longer allowed to go more than three days without getting his top leveled. By Game 5 dude looked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

 

3. Obama gotta address J.R.'s shot selection. 

 

4. We're calling Perkins "Sweet Cakes" from now on. Or "Delicious." "Delicious Sweet Cakes." I like that.*

* Make jersey with "Cakes" on back.

 

5. Brian Windhorst gotta put on a jingle collar or something before entering the locker room. Canary-face-having, Hardy-Boy-lunchbox-owning...He think he slick.

 

6. Varejao gotta be the lead in Magic Mike 3. 

 

7. Y'all need to buy Delly a bigger travel crate for away games. I know he gets cooped up in there.

 

8. We need to start using Shawn Marion more. Like as an ottoman or a coat rack or something.

 

9.  Y'all need stop being lazy and make sure you dust both sides of Brendan Haywood when you clean the Q. 

 

10. Send Dwyane Wade an Edible Arrangement. Chocolate covered pineapple for days, DG.

"

We'll see how Gilbert responds. Guard-sized travel crates don't just grow on trees these days.

Dan is on Twitter...awaiting the POTUS' remarks on contested jump shots.