Warriors Assistant Coach Brian Scalabrine Provides Amazing Media Day Photo

Dan FavaleFeatured ColumnistOctober 1, 2013

Brian Scalabrine needs his own television show.

The Golden State Warriors assistant showed up for work looking like a G, sporting the blackest of black eyes. A tip of the cap to Red's Army for the find.

How did he get it? If you believe the current scuttlebutt, dental surgery is the cause:

Personally, I don't believe back-fence talk.

There's no way the invincible Scalabrine falls victim to dental surgery, hence the need for the White Mamba to hit reality television. That way, we would not only know how he gets his black eyes, but we'd be witness to everything else that ever happens to him.

Image via Red's Army
Image via Red's Army

Was his latest boo-boo your normal, garden-variety injury from your average dental procedure?

Or was it collateral damage from a night on the town with Stephen Jackson? Or the end result of Leighton Meester taking her musical ties to Cobra Starship too far and making "Good Girls Go Bad" at Scal's expense?

No, no and I hope not.

This facial gash is a badge of courage, presumably obtained while Scalabrine was fighting crime, protecting a bus full of children from a rabid grizzly bear or saving the world from Miley Cyrus' reign of terrible music.

And that's only if his injury occurred over the weekend. If it happened during the work week, forget it. Any number of heroic events could have transpired.

Meet the new most interesting man in the world, who also happens to be the most awesome and totally unpredictable coach the NBA has ever seen; the Dos Equis man has nothing on him.

The hair on his face is so soft, James Dolan once used it as a pillow while while sleeping through a New York Knicks playoff game. When he smiles, clouds part and hiccups are cured. 

He is: Brian Scalabrine.