The 30 Best Sports-Themed Halloween Costumes
One of my favorite parts of the fall season is deciding what to be for Halloween. It's such a fantastic holiday—you get to dress up in some strange outfit and go to a party and eat a bunch of candy while women use it as an excuse to dress up in a sexy outfit they normally wouldn't wear.
But one thing I've never done is a sports-themed costume. So for you, my loyal readers, I have compiled 30 suggestions for a sports-related Halloween costume you could wear this year.
Just one suggestion—keep your Ben Roethlisberger jersey at home. You don't want the women drawing conclusions you didn't intend to imply.
30. Jim Harbaugh
This is your challenge: find a way to piss off every person at the party using only a handshake.
The outfit will be simple enough, as you'll only need to wear some 49ers gear. But be aggressive and overly excited after you win at beer pong, and ask as many people as possible, "What's your deal?"
29. John Madden
My college friends and I were borderline-addicted to playing beer pong. We were a competitive crowd, we liked to drink and many hours were wasted sitting in a dingy basement, talking trash and shooting ping-pong balls into Solo cups.
But sometimes it could get boring sitting around and waiting for the chance to play, so one of us would serve as a play-by-play commentator and the other would be the color guy, and we would announce the games being played. It was a great opportunity to crack some jokes and really lay into the one guy who couldn't make a shot to save his life.
So here's what you do if you go as John Madden—stick a pillow under your shirt, get some grey hair dye, bring a white board and a marker, and go around the party announcing everything that is happening. You can draw it up on the white board if you like.
Also, be sure to say, "Boom!" every five minutes, and if you want to be a huge hit at the party, bring a turducken.
28. Donovan McNabb
This is a one-time joke, so make sure people are around to see you pull it off.
Show up to a party wearing Donovan McNabb's uniform. Halfway through the evening, change into a Christian Ponder jersey.
Amazingly, this one worked last year for his Redskins uni.
Be forewarned—if there are Eagles fans at the party, they will boo you before you've even walked in the door.
27. Rex Grossman
This is simple enough—go to the party in a Rex Grossman jersey, bring a bag of footballs and give everyone their own football. However, if anyone else is wearing a Redskins jersey, you cannot give him a football.
Warning—halfway through the party, you will probably be asked to leave.
26. Wear a "Scapecoat"
What's a "scapecoat," you ask?
Why, a scapecoat is a coat you wear with pictures of Tony Romo, Terry Francona, Bill Buckner, Steve Bartman and many other scapegoats in sports stitched in.
Warning—it will get extremely hot in the coat. You will want to take it off almost immediately, and when the keg is kicked, expect to be blamed for it.
25. Ron Artest
This one is easy. Go the party wearing Artest's jersey, get sloppy drunk, crack terrible jokes all night long, dance horribly and get in a fight at the end of the evening.
Come to think of it, I've just described every college party ever. So you'll fit right in.
24. Albert Haynesworth Planking
Go to a party in Haynesworth's jersey, lay down somewhere comfortable and take a nap. When someone asks you what you are doing, just tell them you came to the party as "Albert Haynesworth pulling a hilarious planking stunt."
They'll love it!
Hell, they'll probably pay you obscene amounts of money to continue doing it throughout the evening.
23. Andrew Luck Dolphins Jersey
You know it's happening.
One stipulation—you have to catch anything and everything thrown in your direction.
21. John Axford
You'll probably have to paint on the gnarly 'stache—because who has the time to grow one like that?—but the ladies will love this one.
Okay, that's probably not true.
If people don't get the joke, just say you're Snidely Whiplash. Or Rollie Fingers. Or a hipster.
20. LeBron James
But don't wear any rings.
Bet you've never heard that one before, am I right?
(Thanks to Jamal Wilburg for the suggestion)
19. Stevie Williams
To be Tiger's ex-caddie, just show up carrying a bag of clubs and proceed to take credit for everything at the party.
If you want to really get into it, be sure to tell everyone you talk to that the conversation you just had with them was "the best conversation of my life."
18. Jay Cutler Punching Bag
This is simple—dress up as a punching bag, put a Cutler jersey over it, and let people hit you all night long.
Be forewarned, however, that people will really, really want to hit you all night long.
17. Member of the Boston Red Sox
Be sure to carry around a bucket of fried chicken. And a six-pack of beers. And spend the evening playing video games, even if it means ignoring your friends during the party.
Also, you should probably choke on something toward the end of the night.
(Thanks to Robert Aitken for the suggestion)
16. Two-Face in a TCU Jersey
Go as the infamous Batman villain Two-Face, but wear a TCU football jersey.
Also, carry around a coin you'll flip all evening long. On one side, put "Big East," and on the other, "Big 12."
And then take a leak on the "Big East" side at the end of the night.
15. Ohio State or Miami Player
This is easy enough—if you wear a Miami jersey, stick wads of cash in your pockets and talk about strippers the whole night.
If you wear an Ohio State jersey, stick wads of cash in your pockets and add a bunch of tattoos to your arms.
Oh, and when people ask you why there are wads of cash in your pockets, just smile and say, "I don't know what you're talking about—there isn't any money in my pockets."
I guarantee you, for most of the evening they'll turn the other way and buy your explanation. I guarantee it.
14. NBA Lockout
Don't bother to show up for the party. When people ask you why you bailed, just tell them that your costume was the "NBA Lockout" and you were obligated to stay home.
Feel free to party it up in Europe instead.
13. Carson Palmer Raiders Jersey
Go around the party, handing everyone you see index cards that have "first-round draft pick" written on them.
They won't believe their good fortune.
12. Bob Knight
No, that isn't Bob Knight in the video—that's Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation wearing a Bobby Knight sweater. I just thought you should be introduced to the Pyramid of Greatness if you weren't already familiar.
Feel free to wear the same red sweater to your Halloween party. Think about it—you can throw around chairs, scream at anyone who disagrees with you and even choke people at the party.
You won't be very popular if you go with this suggestion, come to think of it.
11. Tim Tebow "Friar" Haircut
Half the people at the party will love this, and half will hate it.
10. The Machine
"The Machine" was more than likely Pat Burrell, by the way.
I hope to the heavens that I don't wind up at the same party as anyone who tries to pull this costume off.
9. Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao
You'll need a friend to pull this one off. One of you needs to go as Mayweather, the other as Pacquiao and both of you should be fully decked out as boxers, with gloves and everything.
But here's the catch—refuse to fight each other all evening long. The Mayweather guy needs to be obnoxious and should get in the face of any old men he sees on the way to the party.
The Pacquiao guy should stash some vials in his shorts meant to represent steroids. You should spend most of the evening talking about drug testing.
Note: If anyone shows up to the party dressed as an MMA fighter, everyone will ignore you and pay attention to him.
8. Tony Plush
Wear a Nyjer Morgan jersey and say dumb things!
Do "beast mode" way too often throughout the evening!
Get yourself kicked out of the party for fighting!
Invent a new persona at some point in the evening and pretend like everyone there isn't ignoring you!
7. Casper Wearing a Chad Ochocinco Jersey
Go to the party dressed up as Casper the Friendly Ghost, but wear a Chad Ochocinco jersey.
Walk around the party and ask people, "Excuse me—can you see me? I'm here, right? If you were a quarterback, you would throw me a pass, right?"
And then have them throw you a pass and proceed to drop it. Maybe ask the people hosting the party to play this song throughout the night.
6. "Where's Waldo?" with a Ryan Howard Jersey
Go dressed up as Waldo, but wear a Phillies jersey along with Waldo's signature hat and glasses.
When people ask you about your costume, just mention that much like Waldo, Ryan Howard is hard to find in October.
By all means, show up to the party. Do something really memorable in the first few minutes, even. But after that, find a place to hide.
(Note: Ryan Howard is not traditionally a bad postseason player. But he was really terrible this year, and I'm still bitter about the Phillies bowing out to the damn Cardinals, so there you have it.)
5. Hank Williams, Jr.
Show up to the party as Bocephus, compare everybody to Hitler, sing a bunch of dumb songs that nobody really wants to hear and get yourself kicked out of the party.
4. Edward Scissorhands Wearing a Brandon Marshall Jersey
3. Roger Goodell
Go as Roger Goodell and try to take money from anyone who "hits the keg too hard," "hits a bong too hard" or celebrates with friends after making a shot in beer pong.
Also, continuously remind all of the patrons of the party that the host deserves even more money for the keg than they've already been given, even if he long ago made his money back.
2. Brian Wilson
If you can pull off this get-up of sunglasses, the Brian Wilson beard and a spandex tuxedo, then by all means, go for it.
Just know that there is about a 0.01 percent chance that you can actually pull it off.
1. Rally Squirrel
If you go as a Rally Squirrel and I happen to see you dressed in such a way, just know that I will probably try to kick your ass and boil you in a pot over the stove.
But if I—or any other Phillies or Brewers fan, for that matter—aren't present at the party, this should make for a wonderful Halloween costume.
Though nobody want to hear you chirp about how much of a genius Tony La Russa is. Seriously, we don't care.