Shaquille O'Neal is having his retirement ceremony on ESPN today at 1 p.m. ET, so this will be one of many pieces that reflect on his career.
But we're not going to talk about the Shaq retirement in terms of statistics. We're not going to talk about the Shaq retirement in terms of his impact on the game. We're going to talk about the Shaquille O'Neal retirement in terms of one thing and one thing only: nicknames.
Shaq is the king of the self-annointed nickname. He's been The Big Aristotle, The Big Baryshnikov, Superman, Diesel, and the list goes on and on.
Now that Shaq will be participating in retirement activities rather than basketball, he's going to need a whole new set of nicknames to run through.
Here are our best guesses.
Not that he was worried about money, but now that Shaq's retired he won't be relentlessly training and nursing himself back to health anymore.
Instead he'll be sitting on his gigantic couch while he collects retirement checks. Gotta love it.
Shaq better learn to pull his pants up and get some boat shoes, because he's going to have a lot of shuffleboard in his future.
Shaq will go down, along with Wilt Chamberlain, as one of the most dominant forces in NBA history. He finishes his career with four titles, three Finals MVPs, one NBA MVP, one Rookie of the Year and three All-Star Game MVPs.
He pretty much had to retire because there's no more room for trophies on his mantle.
Shaq gave us a glimpse of his acting chops while he was still playing, but now that he can dedicate himself 100 percent to honing his craft, the sky's the limit on the big screen.
Why do I see a Tyler Perry movie in his future?
Shaq has always said that he wants to go into law enforcement after he retires. I just hope he's not the one pulling me over.
The Lakers have struggled to find a replacement for the legendary Chick Hearn in the announcer booth, so I wouldn't be surprised to see Shaq step in to fill his shoes.
We all know Shaq is hilarious, so it's only a matter of time before he's joined the announcing team somewhere.
Whether it's a new season of Shaq Vs. or an entirely new show, is there any way that Shaq doesn't star in a reality show in the next six months?
Now that Shaq has moved out of the Boston Garden, he'll be entering an entirely different sort of garden: his backyard.
I'm sure he was used to letting housekeepers and his girlfriend, "Hoopz," take care of the housework, but now Shaq will be expected to put on a pair of gloves and pick up the pruning shears every weekend.
It may run out before his kids get it, but Shaq is going to reap all the benefits of Social Security.
We all know what people, especially athletes, do when they retire: hit the golf course.
You buy a hat like that, I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?