You don't truly know a man until you see his dunk face.
Cosmo would have you think that it has something to do with his clothes, or his friends, or his job, but they're wrong. The dunk face shows man at his most primal, and never will you see a window this wide open into his psyche.
I don't know the science behind it, but the act of dunking causes a mans face to contort in ways only seen during those special moments in the bedroom, and sometimes in the laundry room or the backseat of a car.
The following is a look at 25 dunk faces that I have in my personal collection, and I hope they bring to you as much joy as they've brought me.
Ranked in order of awesomeness...
I know there's no real dunk face here, but I just thought you guys should see this.
Evidently some idiot mistook this woman for a basketball and ruthlessly dunked her. He's a misogynist, no doubt. So you guys should probably go look for him and beat him up something fierce.
And while you do that, I'll help her down.
Oh, he has to poop, for sure.
There's no denying this one; that's the face of a man who's doing his best to hold it. Notice the pursed lips—easily a dead giveaway.
How much do you want to bet he called a timeout as soon as he landed?
Look, nobody wants to play for the Raptors.
They're the only team whose hometown is out of the nation, they're never shown on television, and not many outside of Toronto can actually name a single person on the team, much less the starting lineup.
It is the Toronto Raptors, right? Actually, either of those words could have been italicized.
It's obvious to me this dunk face is saying, "trade me," and it appears he's saying it straight to his head coach on the sideline.
No, I can't name the Raptors' coach, and I'm perfectly okay with that.
This is woman at her most primal.
Check out this Houston Rockets cheerleader dunking not one, but two balls—two deflated balls actually—in perfect dunk form.
She may be hot, but this isn't the type of woman you want to date. Those won't be basketballs she's dunking if the relationship goes sour.
For those of you who don't know, Stoudemire is part Jewish. Seriously. He even took a trip to Israel to "get a better understanding of [his] heritage."
No wonder he was so surprised when his mother stood up courtside to tell him that she was mistaken, and that the trip was pointless.
Also, she told him to play some defense from time to time.
Yao has had a lot of injuries lately, and he's none too happy about it.
Every dunk can be Yao's last, and judging by his screaming here, he's unleashing all of his frustration over the past five years.
Or he tore or broke something again.
Carmelo looks disgusted.
He's sick of you saying that he's a crybaby that plays no defense. He'll prove to you that he doesn't suck by slamming down this raging dunk.
Then, he'll go back down the court and play no defense. And probably whine a bit.
Westbrook's face looks like it's working against gravity, or possibly a very large fan. He's powering through, though, even with Chris Bosh attempting to delicately blow him away.
Westbrook's lost his mind a bit during this years playoffs, but whether he likes it or not, Durant is better than him, as you'll see later.
On the bright side, there was this moment, where Baron Davis looked like he lost his marbles. That's the kind of face where you just bring out the wheelchair and wheel the son of a bitch to the asylum.
My best guess? Coach Spoelstra just informed Wade that his ex-wife, Siohvaughn, has just accused him of giving her yet another STD.
Yeah, I'd make that face too.
It's a name you don't often hear, but Maxiell has one mean mug.
Take note of the gap in his teeth, which is either going to make you look comical, or make you look crazy.
Maxiell looks crazy. And I'll tell you one thing, that bomb in his hand is about to go off, and you don't want to be near it when it does.
I split Kobe Bryant's career into two eras. There's the pre-shaved head era, and the post-shaved head era. The first era was much better.
For starters, he dunked more. Just take a look at this picture—he lived above the rim! Second, look at his hair! I hope you're impressed, because that's about all I got.
Oh, and third, he even dated Moesha. Checkmate.
Sure, post-shaved head Kobe is more fundamentally sound and doesn't need to rely upon dunking. But then you don't get dunk faces like this.
Green. Apple. Splatter.
And no, I'm not talking about the Milwaukee Bucks' team colors.
Tell me that's not the face you make when you're in the middle of a dunk and it suddenly hits and your cheeks clench, but it's too late because you're mid-flight.
Don't act like you don't know.
LeBron smells something bad, and I mean real bad. Yes, worse than that macaroni salad you left in the back of the fridge for a few months, or that week you decided to quit flushing the toilet to save on the water bill.
No, what he smells is Cleveland, and the indisputable truth that he simply can't win there with that supporting cast. Ten bucks if you can name No. 00 in the picture. And no, you can't use google.
He also may have just realized that Delonte West slept with his mom.
I'm not the biggest fan of McGrady, but this dunk face redeems him a bit.
Obviously, he's pissed that he hasn't ever gotten past the first round, and he's taking his frustration out on this quintessential anonymous guy.
And please don't send me a comment telling me who this guy is. I really don't care.
And that goes double for you, anonymous guy!
Durant dunked so hard here, he went stupid!
I suspect his coach had to feed him his meals for a week, and at some point they likely had to seek a gypsy from the yellow pages to rid him of the crazies.
It made for one hell of a dunk face, though, so it was worth it.
Hansbrough may not be the best player in the world, but when this man dunks, his inner serial killer rears its ugly face.
Look at that face and tell me you wouldn't be scared to ask him for a tic-tac, or how he likes his steak. And forget about asking him for an autograph, unless you want his name signed in your blood.
If he were ever accused of a violent crime, I'd show this picture at his trial. You'd never see a guilty vote so quick.
First off, I'd like to apologize for subjecting you to Noah's face. Only for purposes of research would I ever type his name into any kind of search engine, but if I have to endure it, damnit, you're having nightmares with me.
Come to think of it, this isn't even a dunk face. He looks like this all the time. Although, if I had to give a reason, I'd say that some kid in the crowd was making faces at him, and Noah made a face back.
Then again, it's entirely possible that's a smile.
Pierce gets no respect.
Sure, he may not be the most elegant, entertaining, and most explosive player in the NBA, but his body of work more than justifies some praise.
All this picture needs is some flames behind it.
Unleash your demons Pierce. Just not on the Heat—I want them to win. Feel free to get more technicals, though.
Brewer looks like a gremlin of some kind, even when he's not dunking, and I suspect that he may be sucking on some kind of really sour candy.
It's also possible that he saw Joakim Noah's ugly ass reflection in the backboard.
Actually, that's probably it.
Vince Carter is mostly known for his savage dunks, and he looks here to be doing what he does best. No, not getting hurt, but I'm sure this resulted in him breaking something.
Carter is clearly terrified, and I'm thinking that he saw a ghost. Or it's possible that he had some kind of religious epiphany. Whatever the case, you won't see him dunking like this anymore.
This is the face I make when I have to sneeze, or someone tells me that they watch Glee, or I'm trying to process something Charles Barkley just said. But I don't think that's the case here.
I'm no doctor, but this looks like a classic case of crayon stuck in brain. I've seen this face once before in preschool, and I'll never forget it.
Don't ask me how it got there, but I'm sure of it.
You knew Jordan would be on here somewhere. What would a list of dunk faces be without His Airness and his legendary tongue? Wait, scratch that last part, it sounded weird.
Jordan didn't know how to look normal when he dunked. Take for instance, this picture, where it looks as though he just licked a poisonous toad and has begun hallucinating.
Some think this is simply showmanship. I think he's simply insane.
Pure rage unleashed.
I don't know what set Gasol off, but he was pissed about something. What we're seeing here could be the exact moment Gasol crossed over from being "soft," to being slightly less soft.
And for once he doesn't look quite so much like a llama.
Something seriously screwed up happens to Griffin when he dunks.
I'm dead serious, I want to strap wires to his head and study what's going on in that brain of his, because this face just isn't right.
If this weren't put in the proper context, I would be asking if anyone called 911, because I think a synapse might have just snapped. Maybe a stroke would explain it...
Keep on dunking Blake Griffin, just don't die on us please. And quit scaring the children.
Damn, I know fans snubbed you in the All-Star voting Kevin, but that doesn't mean you have to destroy the world with this dunk.
If I didn't know any better, I would think that some suppressed childhood memory had just resurfaced. I don't know if that's fear, shame or guilt that he's experiencing, but it goes beyond the game.
Put it this way, if I had a daughter and she told me she was dating him and I saw this picture, I'm getting a restraining order immediately.