Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourself for the greatest Kevin Garnett quote you'll ever see.
“I’m far from dirty. Dirty is like hate. I don’t use that word. I’m competitive and I play hard, but don’t call me dirty," Garnett told the Boston Globe.
"Dirty" and "hate" must be the only words you don't use, Kevin, because even Stevie Wonder can see that you use every curse word in the book every time you step on the court.
But I'm honestly not sure your potty mouth compares to the way you actually play. I mean, if there was ever an anti-Mr. Clean, it's you.
Bald head, dirty mouth.
So to celebrate the irony of Mr. Garnett saying he isn't dirty, we're going to prove that he is, in fact, quite unclean.
Here are his 10 dirtiest moments.
In this video, it's believed that Quentin Richardson was trying to check on Garnett and make sure he wasn't hurt, but naturally KG did what KG does best—which is go, um, KG on Richardson.
Forget the fact that Q-Rich was just trying to be a good sport. Garnett has probably never even heard of that term before.
Scratch that—as the video indicates, it's clear he hasn't.
You'll hear someone argue that Zaza Pachulia's teammates should have warned him about Garnett coming in for the screen on this play.
That may have helped slightly, but I doubt it would have done anything to soften the shoulder-first blow by Garnett.
I mean, I was slightly confused—I thought a screen involved standing still, not throwing shoulder blocks.
Maybe that's just me though.
I would personally like to thank LaMarcus Aldridge for doing what thousands of NBA players have wanted to do: Slap the crap out of Garnett.
Seriously, KG, just because you're not losing every year in Minnesota anymore, it doesn't mean you have free reign to throw bows at will.
Clearly, you don't understand that though.
So what does Garnett do when he realizes he's too old and too slow to get a hand in Channing Frye's face?
Well, he goes all WWE and hits Frye with a low blow, of course.
But don't be fooled, because according to Garnett, that would not qualify as a dirty play. In fact, anything short of a tackle or a drop kick is not dirty in Garnett's eyes.
The Garnett Book of Gaming reports that the minimum requirement for a dirty play is a trip to the hospital.
A screen is one of the most basic plays in the game of basketball and it happens on seemingly about 80 percent of NBA possessions.
But when Garnett thinks of screens, he doesn't think of simply stepping in front of an opposing defender to allow his teammate to get to the basket. He decides to lower his shoulder like an NFL fullback and explode into anyone and everyone in his way.
Just ask Marco Belinelli, although you'd have to give him a second to catch his breath first since KG's "clean" screen collapsed his sternum.
"Kevin Garnett is the Vanilla Ice of Big Men."
Best YouTube video title I've seen? I think so.
Though this video captures the essence of Garnett with a ton of different dirty highlights, why don't you just fast forward to around the 4:20 mark, when Garnett throws the ball at Antonio McDyess.
If I've ever seen the move of a female dog, this was it.
You wanna talk smack and play dirty, Kevin? Then, how about you throw fists rather than basketballs?
Not that I mean to condone violence in sports, but at least you wouldn't look like a total pansy who runs his mouth then runs away from fights.
Garnett checks in at 6'11", while J.J. Barea checks in at 6'0" and NBA referee Eric Lewis probably measures around 6'0" as well.
I think you know where I'm going with this...
What a tough man it takes to push two guys who you were bigger than in fifth grade. KG all the way!
I wonder if Garnett even realizes how ridiculous he looks when taunting Jose Calderon.
Congrats dude, you're wagging your finger in the face of a point guard who's eight inches shorter than you and plays for the Toronto Raptors.
That's equivalent to me going to a middle school playground, throwing down dunks on a seven-foot goal while playing against 4'10" sixth graders and then repeatedly screaming how awesome I am at basketball.
You know I'd be the greatest player ever if I did that—at least with the way Garnett thinks.
Plain and simple, Garnett is absolutely delusional.
He says he isn't dirty, but then there is video evidence that proves Garnett is not only dirty but a coward too.
It's bad enough that he slaps Tim Duncan—what is he, a seventh-grade girl?—but he actually does it from behind Duncan so he can't be seen.
But no, no. There's no way that the almighty Garnett is dirty, right?
I've noticed that the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show has been coming on TV recently and it's interesting to note the striking similarities between that show and the spectacle that is Garnett's on-court demeanor.
Again, Garnett takes stupidity to a whole new level when he gets on all fours and barks like a dog at Portland guard Jerryd Bayless.
Here's an idea I have for Kevin: Go to a dog park filled with Pit Bulls and Rottweilers, try doing your idiotic dog-barking bit while on all fours and then see if you have any unwelcome intruders.
Maybe that'd shut you up.