I Hate Mondays is columnist Dave Golokhov's pessimistic, sarcastic compiled thoughts on sports. For a more regular dose tag-in at Twitter with @davegolokhov
Ever notice how when you're not paying attention to women or chasing them, they seem to be more attracted to you? It's like you've got that Hank Moody-like indifference rubbed on your neck. The females are naturally drawn to you like you're the lead male in an Axe commercial.
Then there's the opposite: you're single and you stink like it. Without even saying a word, women assume you're alone, desperate and trying to get them into bed.
Well, that's how the New York Knicks have been acting since owner James Dolan got involved in the Carmelo Anthony trade talks. As the guys from The Game or Love Systems would call it: they are the definition of the average frustrated chump (AFC).
The Knicks spent the last four years or so cleaning the house, extricating the repulsive stench of Isiah Thomas and getting into shape physically and financially for Single's Ball 2010.
After so many years of not even being invited to the offseason gala because of crazy ex’s who ruined their credit score—such as Jamal Crawford, Jared Jeffries, Quentin Richardson and Jerome James—the Knicks finally had the financial freedom to attend.
The only problem for them was that they hadn’t been laid in so long that they reeked of it.
First they aimed for the 10’s, looking to hook up with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. Then there were rumors of a threesome with James, Wade and Chris Bosh—or permutations with two of the three—that induced a lot of pitched tents in Knickerboxers. After those strikeouts, there were additional wet dreams of Joe Johnson and even Carlos Boozer.
It looked like the Knicks would be getting into a cab solo, but they wooed Amar'e Stoudemire, bought Raymond Felton a few drinks and they all went home together.
Let’s face it: it wasn’t the once-in-a-lifetime type of lay but you’d definitely call your friends up to brag. For the Knicks, the most important thing was that they got their confidence back. They were no longer an AFC.
But as they got back on their path, a funny thing happened. They weren’t looking to pickup and they weren’t even flirting much; instead they focused on themselves and the star came to them (two if you include the recent Deron Williams rumors).
Carmelo Anthony walked up and not only hit on them, but explicitly stated a desire to make his current partner an ex and begin a relationship with the Knicks.
And this time, the Knicks played it perfect.
General manager Donnie Walsh knew that Anthony wanted to play in New York and he knew that the Denver Nuggets had few options with him being in the final year of his contract.
The Nuggets tried to posture, agreeing to a trade with the New Jersey Nets that fell through because Anthony wouldn’t sign an extension, and then making up rental trade rumors with the Dallas Mavericks and the Los Angeles Lakers.
They even tried to make us believe that after all of the drama, he’d actually sign an extension to stay with the team.
But Walsh played it cool.
It’s like when you know that the chic is coming home with you, but she starts running a few tests. She laughs it up with another guy who just happens to be in your line of vision and plays hard to get just to see how you’ll react. But Walsh knew that it was in the bag either at the trade deadline or in the offseason, so there was no game to play.
Everything was perfect. The Knicks were going to get the girl and they didn’t even have to buy her dinner or take her on a date.
Then came the King AFC. Enter: Knicks owner James Dolan, who is horny as hell and it’s written all over his face. More importantly, the Nuggets are about to take advantage.
Dolan is not only hot to trot—the scary thought is that his love consultant is Isiah Thomas. Dolan has communicated directly with Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke regarding the trade, which is a direct insult to Walsh, whose job as the team president is to handle those negotiations.
Dolan is acting like the guy that bashes his male buddies in front of hot chics just to prop himself up. What he’s not realizing right now is that he’s making the whole team look bad and single-handedly raising the cost of acquiring Anthony.
The other factor here is that Thomas is behind the scenes giving Dr. Gonzo-like advice—and he only lives for the high of tonight. He’s about to spend Bryant Mckinnie-money for bottle service on your tab so that the chics think you’re all ballers. Yeah, he’ll get you laid but you know there will be consequences the next morning that can’t be fixed with a coat hanger.
Walsh wants to offer the equivalent of the Eric Williams, Erin Williams and a first-round pick; Dolan is offering up half of the team.
Do you see the difference?
(As an aside, the only thing more bizarre than Dolan working with Thomas would be if Mike Danton re-hired David Frost. But I digress.)
The Nuggets have lost trade partners as this process has progressed with the Nets, the Lakers, and the Mavericks all backing off. And while the Knicks are only bidding against themselves because Dolan is so lustful, he’s jacking up the offer constantly.
Originally, it was just Wilson Chandler, Corey Brewer and a Netflix subscription. Now the Nuggets are looking at Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, Eddy Curry’s expiring contract and they’ll even get to rid themselves of Chauncey Billups.
That’s actually a fair trade!
Considering that the Nuggets have no other options but to trade him to New York, the Knicks are getting ripped off.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a lesson in male-female communication. The more you work to pick up the chic and the more you look like you’re trying to get some, the harder it is going to be to actually do it. But if you’re on your own game, act like you’ve done it before and you're doing it regularly, you’re more likely to get laid.
I know what many of you are thinking. Yes, the Knicks still get the best player in the deal regardless, which in the NBA usually means that you win the trade. But waiting until the summer to get Anthony or at least forcing the Nuggets to take as little as possible means that the Knicks will have more assets to work with right now.
Anthony and Stoudemire make a sexy combo but with Felton, and either Gallinari or Chandler, this is a competent team that’s closer to winning a championship.
The Knicks will get Anthony but it’s Dolan’s AFC moves and Thomas’ guidance that is once again costing the team a boat load of assets.