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The 50 Funniest Sports Quotes of All Time

Ross LipschultzAnalyst IJanuary 10, 2017

The 50 Funniest Sports Quotes of All Time

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    Al Bello/Getty Images

    Something must have been in the water before Super Bowl XLV, because both the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers began saying things that made kindergartners shake their heads.

    One culprit: Ben Roethlisberger. When asked how the Steelers could win the big game, he had this to say:

    “I think for me, I mean, obviously, we have to try to score more points than they do.” 

    Now, whether or not you think he was joking doesn't matter. Quotes like these leak from athletes almost daily, they just happen to get noticed on the big stages.

    That's how the saying, "If a man says something reflecting his idiocy in a forest, and no one is there to hear it, is he still an idiot?" came to exist.

    In Roethlisberger's defense, he's not nearly the worst. Press conferences, color commentary and trash talk have tickled sports fans' funny bones since the dawn of time, so there's a deep collection of these quotable gems.

    So who's the most memorable?

50. Ted Walsh

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    "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

    Sure, he's a horse racing commentator and former jockey. But there's got to be a better way to say this, right?

    Maybe he shouldn't start by flattering the horse.

49. Joe Jacoby and Matt Millen

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    Mike Powell/Getty Images

    Jacoby, before Super Bowl XVIII: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl."

    Millen, of the Raiders: "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

    Truly dedicated players don't rule anything out, including murder. Now, the real question is what would they do for a Klondike.

48. Matt Stairs

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    Christian Petersen/Getty Images

    “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done."

    I'm no fan of the portly professional hitter, so yes, it tickles my fancy to see his preference for "ass-hammering."

47. Spider Lockhart

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    "The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract."

    Does that really stop him? Jim Brown's movie career was about as destructive as his running style.

    Lockhart can take solace in the fact he didn't have to be in Soul Food. Yeesh.

46. David Beckham

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    Neil Mockford/Getty Images

    Beckham comes across very polished and well-mannered most of the time. Occasionally, he slips up, like when he was asked if he considered himself "volatile."

    "I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side."

    Clearly, he thought the reporter said "versatile." But then again, it sounds like his game is a little bit of both.

45. Tom Nissalke

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    When you continue to get the bowl cut after the age of eight, you clearly aren't the world's coolest cat. Former Houston Rockets coach Nissalke made up for that with his humor.

    A fan asked him in a Q&A how he pronounced his name, and Nissalke decided to show his sense of humor with his answer.

    "Tom."

    Thanks!

44. Murray Mexted

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    David Rogers/Getty Images

    Rugby may not be popular in the States, but overseas, it's a high-profile attraction. And as one of the best-known commentators for the sport, Mexted probably didn't mean anything wrong by this:

    "You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."

    Yes, "hookers" are a key position in rugby, but that wording is priceless. Especially because it's true in more ways than one.

43. Lincoln Kennedy

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    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    A lot of people don't vote, but the Raiders offensive tackle has a very logical reason for it.

    "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." 

    He does risk double danger. If his middle name was Obama, he'd be done for.

42. Jacques Plante

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    ”Goaltending is a normal job, sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and 15,000 people stood up and yelled at you?” 

    Plante should produce reality television shows. How funny would it be to watch someone work in a cubicle and have his co-workers boo every time a red squiggly line appeared on Microsoft Word?

    For added entertainment, a Zamboni could clean the tears off his desk every hour.

41. Jerry Rice

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    Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

    "I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that." 

    No, pretty sure we just did. 

40. Tracy McGrady

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    Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

    "[My] career was sputtering until [I] did a 360 and got headed in the right direction." 

    Not sure what protractor he's using, although it does explain McGrady's inability to escape the first round.

    Well, everyone except him thinks he's unable. 

39. Yogi Berra

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    Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

    “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”

    To be fair, in his day, everything was done at 180 percent. Damn imperial system!

38. Abe Lemons

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    Gotta love the old-school bluntness. When someone asked the University of Texas basketball coach if his Longhorns should be in the top 20 in 1976, he obviously wasn't pleased.

    "You mean in the state?" 

    Are there even 20 Division I teams in Texas? Yes, it's a huge state, but there just can't be that many universities.

37. Pat Williams

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    "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

    Pull a Montreal Expos and start playing a large number of games at a neutral site. Puerto Rico, anyone?

36. Torrin Polk

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    Former University of Houston coach John Jenkins was a man's man and he wanted Polk and his other players to feel like equals.

    "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

    Men and earrings don't normally go together, but then again, Polk probably bedazzled his cup.

35. Doug Collins

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    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.”

    Isn't this true for all teams, all the time? Darts and golf may be the only activities where this isn't true. 

34. Johnny Miller

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    “I don’t think anywhere is there a symbiotic relationship between caddie and player like there is in golf.”

    Not sure about this. My shower caddie and I work damn well together walking to the bathroom. It carries my soap, and I casually ignore its advice on how to clean my armpits.

33. Otto Jelinek

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    The Former Canadian Minister of State of Fitness and Amateur Sport decided to test the luge course at the Winter Olympics and wasn't exactly fond of the sport.

    "That's what I call the ultimate laxative." 

    I always thought that the ultimate laxative was pineapple and chocolate, but I'll take Jelinek's word for it.

32. Antoine Walker

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    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    A reporter asked the gunner why he took so many three pointers night in and night out.

    Walker's response? "Because there are no fours."

    Unfortunately for him, that level of confidence won't help the bankrupt.

31. Billie Jean King

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    Andy Kropa/Getty Images

    "Ladies, here's a hint. If you're up against a girl with big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's the hardest shot for the well-endowed."

    Wonder if that also implies to well-endowed men, because it would explain why James Blake has such trouble at the net.

    Another hint, ladies: Just make the girl with big boobs jump. A lot.

30. Lou Duva

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    Ken Levine/Getty Images

    Like all boxing promoters, Duva spits out garbage without thinking. A lot of words describe his techniques, but smart isn't one of them.

    “You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.”

    No contraction makes him right. "You'ver" isn't accepted north of the Mason-Dixon line.

29. Ron Meyer

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    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    Former Indianapolis Colts coach Meyer started rookie quarterback Jeff George much to the chagrin of the media. At least Meyer is modest about the decision.

    "It isn't like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids." 

    Even Moses didn't do that. Although he did love the National Inquirer.

28. Pat Foley

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    ”If you’ve only got one day to live, come see the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’ll seem like forever.”

    Ice cold in so many ways, especially since the Leafs have 13 Stanley Cups, while Foley's Blackhawks have less than a third of that.

27. John McEnroe

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    Chris Trotman/Getty Images

    "If you believe that [Anna Kournikova's claim that she is a virgin], I've never questioned a call in my life.”

    Yikes, that's some extreme confidence. For some reason, however, McEnroe just can't be lying here.

26. Bob Varsha

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    Darrell Ingham/Getty Images

    “The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.”

    Varsha must be describing a Dr. Seuss character, because Formula One probably won't let anyone with a blatant deformity drive. 

25. Shelby Metcalf

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    Metcalf dealt with a lot of Aggies in his days at Texas A&M, so he had the answer for everything. Here's what he told a former player who had received four "F's" and a "D".

    "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

    Yeah, pretty sure that subject was partying. College Station gets wild.

24. Rick Bowness

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    "When we're competing for the Stanley Cup, this record won't mean a thing." 

    Now, he's partially right, considering he said this right after the Senators tied the record for most consecutive road losses with 37. 

    However, if your team is that bad on the road, the NHL probably won't let you compete for the Cup.

23. Rocky Graziano

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    "I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it." 

    Just a classic line. I got stuck on "pterodactyl," so I feel his pain.

22. Greg Norman

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    Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

    "(We) should be allowed to wear shorts. God almighty, (LPGA) women are allowed to wear 'em, and we've got better legs than they do." 

    No. Just no. Sure, go ahead and wear shorts, but don't say John Daly's legs are in any way more attractive than Annika Sorenstam's.

21. Bum Phillips

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    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    Bob Costas asked the former Houston Oilers head coach why he brought his wife on every road trip.

    "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

    Someone's sleeping on the couch!

20. Rickey Henderson

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    Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

    Ken Caminiti insisted that approximately 50 percent of baseball players used steroids. A journalist wanted Henderson's opinion on the estimate: 

    "Well, Rickey's not one of them, so that's 49 percent right there."

    Third person and believing he represents one percent of the Major Leagues? Not bad, Mr. Ego. Not bad at all.

19. Kevin Keegan

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    David Rogers/Getty Images

    "The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!”

    ...No comment. 

18. Shaquille O'Neal

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    Christian Petersen/Getty Images

    Shaq's another quote machine, and he enjoys making himself look silly. So when a reporter asked him if he visited the Parthenon while in Greece, it's hard to tell if this was response was a joke.

    “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

    While he was there, I imagine he also hit up Delphi. The Oracle rules the turntables.

17. Walt Williams

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    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    "I've been dunked on by (Vitaly) Potapenko and now (Zan) Tabak. The good part is that they don't make posters of those guys."

    This could easily be part of a eulogy. Potapenko and Tabak have the combined hops of a tank.

    Sadly, Williams was right, so he wins.

16. Sean Avery

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    Christopher Pasatieri/Getty Images

    "Everyone talks about how classless I am, but I guess Fatso there just forgot to shake my hand." 

    Regardless of what Avery thinks of Martin Brodeur's weight, it's pretty obvious a forgotten handshake isn't nearly as bad. 

    Also, he dated Elisha Cuthbert, so at least the hot girls don't care about class. Which is all that really matters.

15. Weldon Drew

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    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    Clearly, that's not Weldon Drew. There's no picture of the wonderful coach and wordsmith, so here's a picture of Vujacic, someone who definitely can understand Drew's message.

    "We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors."

    No wonder the Lakers gave up a first-round pick just to get rid of him.

14. George Best

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    "I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!"

    How can he complain about this? What did he waste the other 10 percent on, Clippers tickets?

    Even they have Blake Griffin.

13. Carl Everett

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    Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

    "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs.  You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them.  Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve.  No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."

    Someone hasn't passed first grade history. Or second. Or third. But at least he passed religion with flying colors.

    Kudos, "Truthosaurus."

12. Joe Theismann

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    Doug Benc/Getty Images

    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

    To be fair, Theismann is in football, and he certainly believes he isn't a genius. This statement just makes us all nod in agreement.

    Including Einstein's corpse.

11. Mike Cameron

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    Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

    “The sun has been there for 500, 600 years.”

    Close. So close. I often confuse the sun's inception with the date Leonardo DaVinci painted the Mona Lisa. 

    Hey, we aren't all Norman Einsteins.

10. Muhammad Ali

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    Christian Petersen/Getty Images

    "I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won."

    The father of trash talk. Wouldn't it have been great to see this fight? Shadows are notoriously for leaving their left cheek open, but have a wicked uppercut.

9. Ron Atkinson

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    Julian Finney/Getty Images

    "Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's: movement and positioning." 

    To his credit, there are two M's in that clause. They just both happen to be in the word "movement."

8. Tug McGraw

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    Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

    Just tell me he's kidding. When someone asked McGraw if he preferred grass to turf, he must have had his mind elsewhere.

    "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."

    Actually, just tell me he didn't get any ideas.

7. Mike Tyson

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    Ethan Miller/Getty Images

    “[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

    Wow. He really wasn't thinking, because most people don't imply sexual misconduct this strongly.

    Not even R. Kelly.

6. Chuck Nevitt

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    "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

    Hmmm...considering he played in the NBA, the answer should be obvious. Then again, Juwanna Mann is inspired by true events, so you never know.

5. Tommy Lasorda

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    Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

    Lasorda and Mexican-born Fernando Valenzuela entered into tense contract negotiations in 1981. When someone asked the Dodgers' head honcho what the pitcher might demand, Lasorda said:

    "He wants Texas back."

    Bravo. 

4. Steve Spurrier

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    Eliot J. Schechter/Getty Images

    The Ol' Ball Coach always had quite the wit, so when a fire broke out at Auburn's football dorm and scorched 20 books, Spurrier decided to bring it

    "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

    Probably not an issue, though. Cam Newton can make a donation for some new books.

3. Allen Iverson

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    Quoting the Answer's answer does not do him justice, so please, watch the clip. If he said the word "practice" this much nowadays, Iverson would have a permanent trending topic on Twitter. 

    Not sure how the hashtag #practice would fit, but maybe if you readers give it a shot...

2. Charles Barkley

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    Ethan Miller/Getty Images

    In court after throwing a man through a barroom window, Chuck and the judge had the following exchange:

    Judge: “Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?”

    Charles: “Yeah, I regret we weren’t on a higher floor.”

    Call him Dial-A-Quote. Most people wouldn't respond with that much sass while trash talking, let alone in a courtroom. 

    Lesson to everyone, don't argue with Chuck in a penthouse.

1. Mike Tyson...Again

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    "Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

    Nothing could make this quote better. Threats, cannibalism, SAT words, and religious dedication all in one sentence? 

    He did it off the cuff, too. It might be hard to top this quote if you had a day to prepare.

    Follow me on Twitter 

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