Dwight Howard is always smiling.
While most would contribute this to him simply being happy, I feel that explanation to be a rather superficial assessment.
There just has to be more to it, and I'm going to get down to the bottom of it.
If there's one thing English college courses have taught me, it's to over-analyze the hell out of everything.
Education, don't fail me now.
Here are the 5 real reasons Dwight Howard is smiling.
It seems so long ago, but the Orlando Magic got spanked by the Lakers in the NBA Finals just two years ago.
But that's not what he's smiling about.
In what turned out to be a largely forgettable Finals, Rafer "Just Try and Take My Lunch Money" Alston provided the only memorable moment when he slapped the headband right off of Eddie House's head.
And Dwight Howard has never forgotten.
"It was pretty damn funny, man. I mean, who does that?" Dwight Howard was allegedly heard saying to Alston after the game.
"I do," he responded.
It was definitely funny; but to be smiling about it after all this time?
Perhaps it's time to let it go.
It's true. Just take a look.
I'm not sure if he's had braces or not, but if they're indeed naturally that straight, God has truly blessed this man in more ways than one.
For examples of other ways God has blessed him, refer to his entire body.
Actually, I take that back. At least one area might not be a blessing...
I'm not sure if this is an actual condition or not, but let's just consider it one for the purposes of this article.
I'm just throwing it out there, but I think Dwight's smiling might be entirely involuntary. My contention?
Howard has a disease.
I'm not a doctor, but my best guess is that it's likely located somewhere in the shoulder area. Just a hunch. You ever heard of runner's high?
He feels that all the time.
Like one's ears and nose, Howard's shoulders will never stop growing, placing him in a perpetual state of euphoria.
Well, at least the chicks dig it.
It's not a lie if you believe it.
George Costanza once said those wise words, and he couldn't be more right.
After years of being told that he's Superman, Howard finally crossed over that line we sane people call reality, and donned the red cape during the 2008 Dunk Contest.
And for a second there, we believed he was too.
Unfortunately, after Howard's emphatic dunk, he returned both feet to the court, thus confirming once and for all he was only human.
But Howard was never the same.
Howard fancies himself quite the funny man.
I hear his Van Gundy impersonation is to die for, and don't even get me started on his jump shot. Some think his terrible free throw shooting is a blight on his career, but rest assured, it's all part of the shtick.
What I love about Howard is that he's so dedicated to his craft. Even in the middle of games—winning or losing—he's working on his material for us.
Hopefully it's better than in the video above, though.