Cleveland Cavaliers: 26 Things More Likely to Happen Before the Team Wins Again
I like to write timeless sports pieces. You know the kind that stay relevant despite changes in climate or events.
The Cleveland Cavaliers lost their last game.
I am sure they will win again, but by then the internet will be obsolete and this article will no longer be available. For more changes that shall take place between now and the Cavs next win, please read on.
No. 26: Solving American Obesity
American obesity has become a huge problem. It kills all of us every year. The main cause is people reading to many articles online about obesity and the Cleveland Cavaliers.
I don't imagine 99 tacos for two cents helps either.
When the Cavs claim their next victory American obesity will be a thing of the past. Not because we are going to change our habits—that'd be crazy—but because our Chinese masters are going to feed us just enough to keep us working all day.
No. 25: Zuckaviers
By threatening to shut down Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg will hold the world hostage. Every citizen on the planet will quickly break and name Zuckerberg ruler of the universe.
The first thing he will do while creating a Zucktopia is rectify the wrongs that have been committed to Cleveland. He will force the Heat and Cavs to switch places.
No. 24: Mark Sanchez Wooderson: Dazed and Confused
When the Cleveland Cavaliers get their next win Mark Sanchez will still be dating 17-year-olds.
Sanchez will offer up this insight to reporters, "That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age."
No. 23: Thunderdome
After bumbing into each other at a Backstreet Boys reunion concert Tom Brady and Justin Bieber will harmlessly exchange glares. Their hair will not be as friendly.
The foolish product of follicles will wage an intense fight to the finish that leaves both men shiny on top.
Women everywhere will be the victims.
No. 22: Two Heads Are Better Than One
Jose Canseco will once again warn the world of a steroid problem. This time it won't be by choice.
As a result of the many different chemicals Canseco took to add bone and muscle mass, he is going to sprout a mini head out of his head.
He'll still continue to endorse the use of HGH–with both heads.
No. 21: Not Again!
Gregory Shamus/Getty Images
Brett Favre will come back and play in the NFL. This time he will wait a couple of years before launching his comeback. Here is a snippet of the upcoming press conference:
Reporter: Brett, you've been out of the game for three years. Why did you decide to come back now?
Favre: I'm not going to lie to you guys. I need the money.
Reporter: Come on. You've made over $100 million dollars in your career.
Favre: I'm serious fellas. I am broke. Do you guys have any idea how much it costs to send picture messages during peak hours? Those things add up quick!
No. 20: Machines Will Take Over
We are all living on borrowed time. According to Terminator we are a good seven years past Judgment Day. It is only a matter of time before machines take over.
When machines do rise to power maybe the robot free agents will like Cleveland.
No. 19: Back to The Future
Really, I am surprised time travel hasn't happened yet. It will certainly be in full effect by the Cavs next victory.
Of course a miserable and lonely LeBron will use the time machine to tell himself to leave his talents in his home state.
Which means this losing streak will never happen, and that I would never have to write this. But I am writing it. Wait, how is this going to work? Ow! My head hurts.
No. 18: Genius Is As Genius Does
Kanye West will release an album of fart noises set to rhythms. It will be named album of the year, and Kanye will end up receiving a lifetime genius award.
No. 17: Party Time, Excellent!
"The Cavs will win another game."
"Shyeah and monkey's will fly out of my butt."
I hope the Cavs don't win another game.
No. 16: Too Much Of a Good Thing
Tragically, Jared will be stricken with the yet unheard of, tybiriculosis ultinitis—or what will come to be known as Jared's Disease.
At the press conference, where Jared tearfully announces that he has this terrible new disease, he will memorably tell the public, "I never should have eaten a fast food sandwich every day for 40 years."
Apparently it was in the preservatives.
No. 15: It's a Wig
After revealing that it was never real hair on their heads, Troy Polamalu and Clay Matthews build a fortune 500 company with a name inspired by their alma mater: Trojan Wigs for Men.
Their slogan? Trojan—the name you trust when you want to cover your head.
No. 14: Déjà Vu All Over Again
Before the Cavs next win Dinosaurs will walk the earth, people will emerge from apes, Columbus will discover Native Americans and name them Indians and Abe will set the country right. Because...
The Cavaliers next win is going to be their first one. That's right it will be on November 1st, 1970.
The Cavs will fail to get a win before the end of humanity as we know it, and we'll have to wait for this whole big crazy ride to restart in a cosmic pulse of eternal recurrence.
No. 13: Biggest Loser
Jeff Gross/Getty Images
The saga of Michael Phelps will have a semi-happy ending as they are able to air lift him from his bed and out a hole in the roof of his house to get him to a much needed lap band surgery.
After retiring from swimming and facing a slowing metabolism, Phelps will go onto gain 1,103 pounds as a result of his 12,000 calorie-a-day diet.
No. 12: Return to Glory
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images
The Raiders will become the NFL's greatest dynasty.
Using a sample of his blood Al Davis's team of scientists will isolate his unique "undead" gene and then create a team of low-priced uber-zombies.
No. 11: Being LeBron James
If you haven't seen Being John Malkovic, you can probably just move onto the next slide.
Some lucky Cavs fan is going to find the portal into the inside of LeBron James mind. He will immediately call for a press conference.
"I have realized that I should have left my talents in Cleveland! I demand my talents are immediately traded back to Cleveland."
The trade will go through, but before LeBron plays a game he will discover the portal to his own mind. When he enters and everyone he sees looks like him and has a vocabulary limited to LeBron and James, they will never be able to get him out.
No. 10: Contact
The Cavs will win another game. It will be by forfeit.
They will be the only team left after aliens invade the U.S., and Cleveland is the only city they didn't want to take over.
No. 9: Oh What a Night
M. Night Shyamalamalamdingdong (sp?) will be a part of a good movie again.
Sure, it will be as the guy who gets the sandwiches for the people making it, but at least he will be contributing to something.
His dialog will still be insufferable.
"Here is that sandwich you have recently ordered. Oh wait and look! It is not a sandwich at all, but in reality a ham burger!"
No. 8: Gaga Accounting
Lady Gaga will shock the world when she comes out in a Hillary Clinton style pants suit.
Telling the press that due to her world of extremes leaving her filling empty she has decided to pursue her childhood dream of being an accountant.
No. 7: Countdown Mavericks
Being out of work and having lots of newfound time can lead to life changing decisions. In a move that shocks the wings on both sides, and a united reality TV audience, Sarah Palin and Keith Olbermman will be wed.
Here is a snippet from their soon-to-be famous honeymoon interview:
Sarah: Gosh darn it, I am just glad to be Mrs. Sarah Olbermman.
Keith: I was amazed she'd even talk to me after all the mean-spirited things I said about her.
Sarah: I had no idea what he was saying. I guess we both like to make up words.
Keith: Those were real words, Sarah.
Sarah: You are so funny, Keith.
Keith: What can I say? I am in love. Sarah has really helped me not be so bitter.
Sarah: We are going to get a house with an even better view of Russia!
No. 6: Starbucks Scandal
Starbucks founder and CEO Howard Schultz will be arrested after it is discovered his unique blend of coffee is really a high-potent and addictive mix of drugs.
Schultz: How else was I going to get people to pay $7.50 for something they could get for a buck?
No. 5: Paradise City
Slash and Axl will set aside their differences and settle the contemptuous feud that has kept apart one of America's great rock bands.
They will also have time to release new albums—lots of them.
No. 4: Death To Slacking
Speaking of Axl Rose making albums.
Before the Cavs next win the world will be graced by three albums a piece by the Beastie Boys, Dr. Dre and Zack de la Rocha.
J.D. Salinger will reveal his death was a hoax and then publish two novels.
No. 3: Redemption Song
After millions of dollars of plastic surgery and under the alias Reid Cartman, Steve Bartman will win the mayoral race for Chicago.
He will then institute and launch the greatest 8-step program in the history of politics. In two short years he will turn Chicago into the most glorious Utopia in the history of man.
Cartman's approval rating will be an unprecedented, and only possible in ballot stuffing Chicago, 193 percent.
Hungry for redemption from his fellow Chicagoans, he will reveal his true identity...and instantly and violently be removed from office.
No. 2: Generally Surprised
People are up in arms over the Cavs 26 straight losses. That is nothing compared the the Washington Generals who once lost 2,495 straight games.
In fact in over 50 years of professional basketball the Generals have won only seven times.
They will get number eight before the Cavs see the letter "W" again.
No. 1: Epic Battle Of Awesomeness
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Cheer up Cavs fans. Friday, Saturday and Sunday are the only things that will happen before the Cavs next win.
On Sunday the Washington Wizards and their 0-25 road record come to town!