NBA Report: 30 Teams, 30 New Years Resolutions

David RushCorrespondent IJanuary 3, 2011

it's Time For Some New Years Resolutions
it's Time For Some New Years Resolutions

For once we'll do this without any preamble other than to say we're starting from worst to first and providing a New Years Resolution for each of the NBA's clear overabundance of franchises.  

Why do we say overabundance? Read on and you'll see for yourself. 


Sacramento Kings 7-24: To never play another game in the month of November!

They started the season off  plausibly enough at 3-4.

Then October turned and the Sacramento Kings lapsed entirely, going 2-11 in the month of November setting off a god awful beginning to a season almost entirely lost at this point as the once proud franchise now broaches the very depths of basketball humanity.  

Assuming the league turns down their petition the Kings might want to pick up and consider a move to Las Vegas where the Maloof brothers have major in-roads and the players can be rewarded for improved play by unlimited lap dances at some of the cities finer evening establishments.

Cleveland Cavaliers 8-24: To gather some left over Lebron James DNA and begin the cloning process.

Clearly the city of Cleveland simply cannot get over this case of abandonment so the theoretical move is to petition local government to authorize in this single instance an all out effort to engage in human replication. 

All it takes is one previously sweat soaked towel, a left over pair of dirty socks, headband, hairbrush, baby powder bottle – well, you get the idea. 

Washington Wizards 8-24: To stop trading away all the players that once made them a fairly competitive franchise, and to pray, very, very hard that rookie PG John Wall has the type of inherent leadership skills that can once again propel this team to the kind of middling .500 status the city of Washington can be proud of. 

Minnesota Timberwolves, 9-25, Part One: To never hire another G.M. whose first loyalty is to another franchise. 

Minnesota Timberwolves Part Two: To never use another first round pick on a Spanish born player who makes it abundantly clear that he does not want to play for the 'Wolves or live in their city, then compound the issue by not trading his rights to another NBA team that can give the club an injection of some desperately needed talent by return. 

New Jersey Nets 9-25: To concentrate on what they're doing and stop engaging in pipe dreams of luring star free agents to Newark or Brooklyn that aren't inclined to sign on the dotted line despite minority owner and hip hop mogul, Jay Z's, best recruiting efforts.   

Well second best, the best would include Beyonce but that's probably not going to happen at this point.

Los Angeles Clippers 10-24: To make sure slam dunking Blake Griffin never escapes the city of Los Angeles.

That Clipper side of the city that is.

Detroit Pistons 11-22: To scour the inner city playgrounds for the kind of thug like talent that once propelled this team to great heights. 

Toronto Raptors 11-22: To open Amsterdam style hash bars within the arena to better serve the needs of fans distraught over the teams persistent inability to hold onto their most exciting players.

Hash laced brownies have already been added to the luxury in seat menu where a lot of hysterical laughter has been noted regardless of big Raptor deficits.   

Charlotte Bobcats 11-20: To stop thinking that having Michael Jordan as part owner of the team will have any impact on the franchise's well being unless he can find a miracle pill or the much storied Fountain of Youth and suit up again. 

Failing that, a few players intent on earning their fair share of a $65,000,000 payroll might help. 

Milwaukee Bucks 13-18: To find Michael Redd.

Golden State Warriors  13-20: To let the Warrior Girls play 48 minutes and bring the team on for breaks and commercials.

Philadelphia 76ers 13-20: Not to bring back Larry Brown after they end up firing Doug Collins.

Or Allen Iverson.

Indiana Pacers 14-18: To take out nationwide adds letting fans know there is still an NBA franchise in Indiana.

Or at least local adds. 

Phoenix Suns 14-18: To simply explain to their fans what the current strategy is and how they intend to re-emerge as one the league's top teams.

The re-signing of Steve Nash notwithstanding.

Memphis Grizzlies 15-19:  To move to Nashville.

I mean how can a city the size of Memphis support a professional basketball team when the two other notable professional franchises in the history of the township were the Chicks, a long time minor league affiliate of various MLB teams, (since replaced by the AAA Red Birds), and the old ABA Memphis Tams who were coached during their brief existence by pseudo hoops legend, (one time LSU coach of the great Pistol Pete Maravich), Butch van Breda Kolff

At least in Nashville they'd be part of a pro sport culture, though it would mean a trade off from Blues to Country.

On second thought, maybe they better stay in Memphis. 

Houston Rockets 16-17: To go back to China and find the next Yao Ming, or at least Chuck Hayes, Yao's replacement, who's out the next 2-4 weeks with an ankle. 

Phew, finally done with the sub .500 teams. Did somebody say something about contraction?


Portland Trailblazers 18-16: To never, ever, use a first round pick on a seven foot center again.

New York Knicks 19-14: To stop hoisting three's and take the ball to the god damn hoop! (That one's personal.)

New Orleans Hornets 20-14: To root very hard for the Saints and hope there will be karmic return.

Atlanta Hawks 20-14: To ascend by any means possible or forever be relegated to a first or second round out.

If that.

Denver Nuggets 19-13: To wake up already and trade Carmelo to the Knicks for Gallo and an expiring contract or two.  

Orlando Magic 21-12: To wish upon a star that Gilbert Arenas can return to form. If he does Orlando contends with any team in the league including Miami.

Oklahoma City Thunder 23-12: To get the hell out of Oklahoma City! (Even though they just got there.)

Chicago Bulls 22-10: To keep giving the ball to Derrick Rose and let him keep dishing it to Carlos Boozer. That's working! 

Utah Jazz 23-11: To never go Mormon.

Los Angeles Lakers 23-11: To let up on all the Zen motivational tactics and simply give Kobe a two week paid vacation before the playoffs start.

A fully rested Bryant is more important than home court.

Miami Heat 26-9: To not break a leg. 

Dallas Mavericks 25-8: To keep Dirk Nowitski healthy even if it means turning the team plane into a hyperbaric chamber. 

Boston Celtics 25-7: To not overplay K.G., to feed him well, mop his brow, and make sure he too is ready and very healthy for the playoffs.

San Antonio Spurs 29-4: To keep doing exactly what they're doing and make it back to the NBA Finals!


That's it for today,