Kobe Bryant And The 20 Best Names In Sports
Each night, the Black Mamba slithers onto the court, does things most basketball players dream of, and gets more SportsCenter highlights than 99.99999999999% of people will get in their lifetime.
Rarely, however, does his one downfall get the spotlight:
He's named after meat.
Kobe Bryant got his name when his food-related father Joe "Jelly Bean" Bryant and mom Pamela Bryant saw Kobe beef on a restaurant menu. While "Kobe" has become part of the NBA lexicon, one must realize it's only there because sushi didn't sound great to the Bryants on that evening.
Well, at least he's not Yakitori Bryant. "Yaki" is way too close to "Yucky."
That being said, could Bryant actually have one of the funniest names in sports? Will his play be overshadowed by the fact that he's actually a delicacy across Tokyo?
The answer to the latter is a resounding "no."
The former, however, must be explored.
20. Craphonso Thorpe: Florida State Seminoles (and Many NFL Teams)
Just a crappy name. Period.
19. Will Power: Indy Car Driver
This reminds me of the Simpson's episode where Homer changes his name when he sees "Max Power" on the side of a blow dryer.
Will's situation is likely similar, except he saw it on a Barack Obama campaign poster.
18. Boof Bonser: Oakland Athletics
Just call him "Dummy" or "Stupid." At least then people know it was a blatant joke.
Using "Boof" makes it seem like the parents don't think anything is funny about it.
17. BenJarvus Green-Ellis: New England Patriots
He's got so many names, he should just add "LLP" to the end and make it a law firm.
They could sue whoever decided delaying this kid on standardized testing was a good idea.
16. Razor Shines: New York Mets
His parents didn't want their son getting pushed around, so they were smart to name him after a makeshift weapon.
Harpoon Shines would have also been acceptable.
15. Ten Million: Minor League Baseball
Sorry, but there's no photo of this fella who played baseball before World War I.
However, his name times zero equals the number of games he played in the major leagues.
14. Longar Longar: Oklahoma Sooners
Hopefully his dad is named "Much Longar Longar."
If not, his kid should be "Longar Longar 2: Electric Bugaloo."
13. Kaká: Real Madrid
Men everywhere should let out a small giggle every time his name is spoken.
It's just in our blood.
12. Milton Bradley: 8 MLB Teams
Before he came along, Milton Bradley was solely associated with wholehearted family fun.
Make sure you don't bring your family members near the outfielder, because he might eat their whole hearts.
11. Harry Colon: Detroit Lions
While a hairy colon may not be possible, Detroit learned quickly that a Harry one is.
Once he played in 1997, however, Lions fans wish it wasn't.
10. Earthwind Moreland: New England Patriots
Fire must be pissed off. Only the first two parts of the band got a shout-out.
It's probably harder to sell a spouse on Earthwindfire.
9. Fat Lever: Denver Nuggets
Just putting nouns together doesn't constitute a name for most.
Don't tell that to the Lever kids. I imagine Fat's brother's name is Lard.
8. Coco Crisp: Oakland Athletics
It's outfielders, for breakfast!
Just pour some milk on him, and you either get a delicious chocolately crunch or a pissed-off buff guy.
7. Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gordon Stephen James Oatway
Yes, there is a typo. Between Stanley and Gordon, there's a "Gerry"
There just isn't enough damn room to type it all out, let alone say he played soccer for Havant & Waterlooville.
6. I. M. Hipp: Nebraska Cornhuskers
He must have shortened his name after kids kept saying Hipp had no groove.
If his middle name had been "So," however, he probably would still feel the hate.
5. Chief Kickingstallionsims: Alabama State Hornets
Being proud of one's culture is one thing.
But this last name will haunt him for a long time. They should just write "To Be Continued" on the back of his jersey.
4. God Shammgod: Portland Chinooks
Naming a kid God raises the bar way too high.
Unless, of course, your god is a sham. Touche, Papa Shammgod!
3. World B. Free: 7 NBA Teams
Major props to someone who changes his name to the same answer Miss South Carolina would give at the Miss USA pageant.
Q: "If you could dedicate your life to one goal, what would it be?"
A: "Well, I wishes the world be free."
2. Dick Butkus: Chicago Bears
Butkus can act as tough as he wants, but he won't ever escape his name.
Although, a change to "Rod Brownnoser" wouldn't hurt.
1. Wonderful Terrific Monds III: Atlanta Braves
Sure, the name itself is pretty outrageous.
The real crazy part is that he's the third one. It took three generations to realize the birth certificate isn't a place to play Mad Libs?