Five Things That Need To Happen Before LeBron Can Play for Cavs Again

Bob Evans@@TheRealBobEvansCorrespondent IAugust 25, 2010

Five Things That Need To Happen Before LeBron Can Play for Cavs Again

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    This summer, as we all know, the relationship between the Cleveland Cavaliers and LeBron James came to a rocky end on national television.

    LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were like the high school sweethearts that we all remember from our senior year.

    They were the ones that were supposed to last, the couple that when we returned to our high school reunion 10 years later has the perfect marriage, the kids, and the house.

    Well people, it's now seven years later and it looks like the high school sweethearts didn't really work out too well.

    The Cleveland Cavaliers gave LeBron all they could give, but it wasn't enough for King James.

    So the King has decided to leave for his new hot little item (the Miami Heat), and the Cavaliers are left heartbroken with no clue what is next.

    But wait, the two have only been broken up for two months and King James is already hinting at a return to Cleveland in the future "if Cleveland will have him."

    LeBron seems like that confused girl that we all tried to date growing up.

    I want to be with you, but there's just so much I need to accomplish before I settle down.

    And so she did LeBron.

    And just like those late-night calls came from her crying about how she misses you, it seems LeBron might be having second thoughts about his divorce from the Cleveland Cavaliers.

    Whether these are just public relations tools to make LeBron look like the victim, or they are actual feelings he is having: I think it is safe to say that "The Chosen One" isn't convinced he made the right decision.

    But never fear King James, there is always hope for the future!

    And I have compiled a list of things that would need to happen before LeBron James can EVER return to play for the Cavaliers.

    So as usual....sit back, relax, and don't forget to comment!

5. A Little Something For Your Mama

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    As we all know, LeBron James is a big family man.

    He values the opinions of his girlfriend (who already said she didn't want to move to Miami), his close group of friends (who all wanted him to stay in Cleveland), and his mother (who is going to miss her main squeeze Delonte).

    Since LeBron is such a big family man who always strives to please his mother, the Cavaliers have decided to make a commitment to his family.

    If LeBron will agree to return to the Cavaliers, the organization has decided that they will name Delonte West the general manager of the team.

    I know, I know...Delonte has no experience as a general manager in the NBA, and can barely remember the state laws of Maryland.

    But the Cavaliers won't need him be the real general manager of the team, just the general manager of Ms. Gloria James' heart.

    Through reuniting his mom with her one, true love, the Cavaliers will be able to take the first step in saying "I'm Sorry" to LeBron, and hopefully bringing back the King to the Cavaliers.

4. LeBron Says I'm Sorry to The Fans

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    Since the Cavaliers took the first step in rekindling the relationship, it's time for LeBron to earn the trust back.

    Obviously, it will take some apologizing and a whole lot of gifts to make the Cavaliers' family love LeBron again, but I've got just the thing for the King to do.

    He's got to make it right with the fans.

    Since James made the "family" so angry that they burned all his jerseys, LeBron has agreed to donate his first year's salary toward purchasing brand-new LeBron jerseys for the Cavaliers fans.

    This is the equivalent to all those long hours that need to be put in with the girl's family to make them believe that you are truly "the guy" for their daughter.

    LeBron will really have to do some making up with the Cavaliers fans if he ever hopes to wear that Cleveland jersey again, and I think a good start will be to give them something to remember him by.

    I know it may seem a little crazy, spending millions of dollars to make the people happy.

    But hey, he's gotta do something to make it right!

3. A Little NBA Marriage Counseling

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    If things haven't worked themselves out for LeBron and the Cavaliers yet, I've got the perfect marriage counselor for them.

    None other than NBA Commissioner David Stern.

    Papa Stern will step in and declare that the signings in Miami were illegal, and that LeBron James and Chris Bosh must return to their previous teams immediately.

    Obviously, Stern has the NBA's best interests at heart here, citing that "if players do things like this, the NBA will become one big AAU league."

    After returning James to the Cavaliers, there will be an obvious tension between the two parties.

    I mean, after all, LeBron did go out and cheat on the Cavaliers and get caught.

    But never fear, Papa Stern is here.

    He has designed a solid six-week counseling session that is designed upon admitting the wrongs, and building a more positive relationship for the future.

    Some of the topics for sessions are as follows:

    • Discovering your true identity
    • How to life your life in the shadow of a superstar
    • Communicating what you truly want in life
    • How to not lash out at your partner

    Stern has hand-selected these topics after watching the Cavaliers and James' relationship fade over the past seven years.

    "Discovering your true identity" will allow James to figure out what type of player he really wants to be, and to help the Cavaliers build a real core around him.

    "How to life your life in the shadow of a superstar" will teach the organization how to maintain its self esteem, and show the players that its okay to live with someone who is more well-known then you.

    "Communicating what you truly want in life" will be three-week course in which the two partners express what they want to do.

    LeBron can discuss his desires to be international, to speak his mind in GQ, and to tell the organization which players he wants on his team.

    The Cavaliers will be able to tell LeBron how they feel about his decisions, his actions on the court, and how they want him to be a little more like "Mike."

    And in the final session, the two will learn that lashing out does not solve anything, and that they both were at fault through their first seven years.

    Dan Gilbert and LeBron James will spend some one-on-one together, and use those foam bats to beat the frustration out of each other.

    David Stern did his best planning when coming up with these sessions!

2. The Cavaliers Move to Akron

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    Sometimes to make a relationship work, someone has to be willing to move.

    In this case, the Cavaliers are going to move to Akron.

    One person was quoted saying that LeBron probably would have never left if the team was known as the Akron Cavaliers, so we are going to make that dream a reality.

    I mean, LeBron has already said that he hated Cleveland growing up, so let's just get rid of the bad feelings altogether.

    It won't be like the glory days of the Richfield Coliseum, but Akron has a lot to offer for fans.

    There's a couple of theaters, the University of Akron, a little bit of nightlife, and some tall buildings like Cleveland.

    But most importantly, LeBron is there, and that's all the matters to the Cavaliers.

    Their hero, the man who stole their heart is waiting in the city of Akron, and a short move down Interstate 77 will lead the team back into the arms of a healthy relationship.

    Possible one that could lead to a ring?

1. Dan Gilbert Sells the Team

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    You hate to see him go, but sometimes it's best to get rid of the loud-mouthed family member if you want the relationship to succeed.

    And this is just what the Cavaliers are doing by forcing Dan Gilbert to sell the team.

    With all of the comments made by Gilbert toward James, I really don't think that even David Stern's great marriage counseling program could help these two patch up their relationship.

    Luckily for LeBron and the Cavaliers, their relationship can be salvaged, but only if Gilbert agrees to sell the team.

    While Gilbert has done many great things for the city and organization as the owner, he may have committed his biggest failure by scaring off potential free agents.

    In order to make LeBron happy again, the Cavaliers will have to sacrifice their passionate owner to make the relationship work.

    View this as moving your mother-in-law to the retirement home and turning that in-law suite into a private, cozy den at your house.

    Your days of listening to her complain about the house, and that you don't do enough for her daughter are over.

    Or in LeBron's case, he can return to being "the man" of the house, and get back to playing/quitting whenever he likes.

    Poor Dan, all he wanted to do is ignite a fire under his fan base, but it looks like he sealed his own fate in the end.

    **Obviously this was all a joke, because we all know that there is no way that LeBron James will ever become a Cleveland Cavalier again!