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Weekly Wizard Haiku: Week 3

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Weekly Wizard Haiku:  Week 3

After a couple of weeks off, the third installment of haikus has returned to lead us back into discussion...

 

"Please don't break my eye

I need it to watch your games..."

Boys will be boys...right?

 

Any college football fans out there?  You know what I'm talking about.  One minute, you're grilling up some burgers and trading hypotheticals with your friends about the upcoming season.

 

"Moreno cannot be stopped!!  Let's see those jean short wearing Gayturds try to get in his way.  Chammmmpionship!"

 

Slap a few high fives, down some cold ones, make fun of your buddy's haircut.  Just another typical summer day by the pool.

 

The next minute, a member of your lifelong favorite football team comes over and performs fist surgery on your eye socket. Shatters it. Wants to move on to your nose, your second eye socket, and your molars, but gets pulled off by his boys.

 

I'd go into the details of this situation if they mattered. I'd rip the school for having their seventh player arrested this year if it mattered. But it doesn't.

 

It happens everywhere. Your school. Mine. The top football programs are all recruiting the same kids.  The same hats are sitting on the table in front of these guys during their press conferences.

 

He picks my school and gets arrested, he's a thug. He picks your school and gets arrested, he's just a kid.

 

But the truth is that boys will be boys. Why would they change, now? They've always been bigger than everyone in high school. Faster. Stronger. And told that they are the best at whatever they do. If you or I were put in their shoes, we'd act the same way.

 

So it becomes time for adults to be adults.

 

The coaches have got to hand out severe punishment across the board to all players.  It's the only way this kind of behavior can be prevented. And no, I'm not referring to gassers, stadiums, or one game suspensions against directional opponents.

 

Nor am I an advocate of “praying for a misdemeanor.”

 

If there is a true concern for being kicked off of the team or even out of school (which is probably what would happen to regular students in these situations), then maybe these guys would think twice before acting on the same impulses that we all have from time to time.

 

As fans, we need to quit bashing our rivals over their Fulmer Cup standings and start bashing our own coaches for their leniency.

 

The sooner they crack down, regardless of the player's importance to the team, the sooner you'll stop having to avoid flying fists and bullets at da club.

 

Summertime's here. Now

Goofy Euro sports make me

Gently grab my face

 

As the NBA playoffs closed themselves out and Tiger limped off to season ending knee surgery, I found myself trying (for what has to be the tenth time) to get into soccer, er, football.

 

After learning what the UEFA Cup is, how its different than the FA Cup or a friendly, and where the hell David Beckham fits into it, I'm left with no other options than to dive to the ground and roll around holding my leg.

 

It hurts me. It hurts to watch, to think about, and to gamble on (not a good idea).

 

It hurts to see grown men faking injuries and then pleading their case to referees who might not even speak their language. To see them perform the international signal for disbelief:

 

One part Home Alone face, open hands grasping both cheeks. One part "I'm watching my house burn down" face, mouth half open, eyebrows sagging to the side.

 

All of this because the ref pulled a tiny yellow credit card out of his pocket and wrote the guy a ticket.

 

What's next, Europe?  A televised bicycle race through some mountains? 

 

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner.

Same tennis match on TV.

Lie if you missed it.

 

Speaking of European dominated sports, yesterday’s Wimbledon men’s final was beyond a classic. It might have become the definition of one.

 

John McEnroe called it the greatest match he’s ever seen. I can only assume that he used the word “seen” to separate it from the epic battle between himself and Bjorn Borg in 1980.

 

Very similar circumstances back then with the 21 year old McEnroe playing the role of Nadal to Borg’s Federer, the stoic veteran with four Wimbledon championships already.

 

After an 18-16 tiebreaker win in the fourth set, McEnroe was unable to hang on and eventually lost the fifth set 6-8.

    

Twenty-eight years later, we were able to witness an updated version of the same match.

 

Now compare it with the recent US Open in men’s golf.

 

The obvious difference was that the tennis match gave us No. 1 vs. No. 2 while the golf tournament brought us No. 1 vs. Rocco “Peace Belt” Mediate.

 

The other distinction being that at least one of the Open contenders was Tiger Woods, enough to rope in America's most staunch "Golf is boring" sports fans.

 

Wimbledon’s Switzerland vs. Spain match-up was not a built-in ratings boon in the States. But as the match drew on and phone calls were made between friends and relatives, we all found ourselves in awe of these men and—even during the US Open—somehow conflicted over whom we should root for.

 

Both sporting events were historical; the kind that spawn the “I remember where I was…” conversations five and ten years later.

 

Both were marathons; Tiger’s come-from-behind putts creating a tiebreaker to break a tiebreaker, and two rain delays sprinkled in between Federer’s numerous back-to-the-wall refusals to accept his eventual fate.

 

Thanks, 2008. 

 

In half a year's time, we've seen an unforgettable Super Bowl, a Lakers/Celtics NBA Final, and now golf and tennis step up and give us two of their greatest, and longest, offerings ever. 

    

And to think that NCAA college football rules committee members are still tinkering with ways to make our Saturday afternoon football games shorter…

 

Seven. Seventeen.

Twenty-one. Twenty-seven.

Forty-two. Fifty.

 

Since I skipped last week's Haiku offering, I thought I could make it up by giving away some lottery numbers. These are correct, by the way.

 

Just make sure you're in the right state.

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