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Did you ever wonder if… The first five picks of the NBA draft could be characterized by sitcom characters? Probably not—but when inspiration strikes, you just have to roll with it...

Mocking the Draft: NBA Draft Picks as Sitcom Characters

by Ben Allaire (Columnist)

26

9,202 reads

Sports

June 10, 2008


Did you ever wonder if…

The first five picks of the NBA draft could be characterized by sitcom characters?

Probably not—but when inspiration strikes, you just have to roll with it.  Let’s start at the top:

 

1.  Chicago Bulls, Michael Beasley, PF – Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)

The trite thing to say would be, “Which draft pick would be most likely to tell you to eat his shorts while he was throwing down a nasty dunk?”  However, the similarities between Beasley and Simpson run even deeper than that cursory comparison. 

First, both have a penchant for mischievousness.  Like Bart’s calls to Moe’s Tavern for I.P. Freely, Jacque Strap, and Hugh Jass (who’s an extraordinarily nice guy, by the way), Beasley is known for “signing” graffiti all over his high school. 

Second, when asked to try out, both Beasley and Bart faced questions about their height.  When the Radioactive Man movie came to Springfield, Bart was supposedly perfect for the part…except that he was two inches too short.

Beasley, on the other hand, might be the consummate power forward, but he might be only 6'7", or 6'10", or 7'4".  If we did this in meters, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem.

 

2.  Miami Heat, Derrick Rose, PG – George Costanza (Seinfeld)

What does a stocky, balding liar have to do with a stocky, ankle-breaking point guard? 

Both of these two will do anything they can to carry their respective teams to victory.  

For Costanza, it’s legging out a home run and pasting Bette Midler.  For Derrick Rose, it’s demolishing UCLA in a virtuoso performance in the Final Four.

Rose, as a point guard, and Costanza, as a short white guy, have been considered by many to be “chuckers.”

Co-stan-za. Ro-se.  By Men-nen.

 

3. Timberwolves, Brook Lopez, C – Steve Urkel (Family Matters)

Did IIIIII do that?

Oh snap.  I just did.

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26 comments Last one added about 1 year ago — Leave a Comment

  1. Ian Thomas about 1 year ago

    this is awesome.

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  2. Greg Adams about 1 year ago

    Nice job here, Ben.

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  3. Tim Pollock about 1 year ago

    The Al Bundy reference was my favorite.

    Well-played, Allaire.

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  4. Aron Glatzer about 1 year ago

    No Ma'am meeting to discuss misuse of Kevin Love and 'plays solid defense' at the nudy bar in an hour.

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  5. Eric Brown about 1 year ago

    Not sure who his college basketball equivalent would be, but if there's a version of "Boner" from Growing Pains out there, the Orlando Magic will draft him.

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    • Tim Pollock about 1 year ago

      Classic, Eric.

      Otis Smith still thinks Fran Vazquez will suit up for the Magic one day.

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    • Ben Allaire about 1 year ago

      Darrell Arthur?

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    • Eric Brown about 1 year ago

      Arthur is probably too good of a player for the Magic to want. They like to take 2nd round talent in the 1st round, and this year should be no exception.

      I think Pat Calathes would be a good pick for a couple of reasons. First, we know that with a name like Pat, gender still needs some visual confirmation. That goes along with my theory that the Magic will be the first team in NBA history to select a female in the draft. Another reason why it would be a good pick is because buyer's remorse tends to set in quickly after our picks, and in this case there would likely be some front office confusion about whether or not they just took the point guard who plays for Florida or his lanky older brother at St. Joe's. "Holy crap! Which scouting report were we just talking about?!!"

      Good article, by the way.

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    • Ben Allaire about 1 year ago

      What's Pat short for? Patricia or Patrick? Wasn't there a movie about this?

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  6. Lew Wright about 1 year ago

    Too funny Ben!

    I would have compared Brooke Lopez with Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards). He's got the hair. He's got the schnoz.

    Both are tremendous leapers. Wait, that doesn't work.

    They both slide into the picture. That works.

    And both are great supporting players that are doomed to failure if they try to play the starring role.

    Awesome concept!

    Lew

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  7. Ben Weixlmann about 1 year ago

    Ha Steve Urkel was HILARIOUS!

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    • Ben Allaire about 1 year ago

      I can't figure out if you mean that you enjoyed the entry for Steve Urkel or that Steve Urkel was hilarious.

      These are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

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  8. Matthew Irby about 1 year ago

    Great read, Bart Simpson with the first pick, love it, you can never go wrong with the Simpsons

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    • Ben Allaire about 1 year ago

      So true.

      Though, I must be honest, my Simpsons knowledge is limited to the early years. Hence the "eat my shorts" reference - does he still say that?

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    • Matthew Irby about 1 year ago

      Yeah your good, Bart maybe be repeating his age for the 19th time, soon 20th, but your still good with "eat my shorts"...and if anybody every says anything, just comment that old school is better.

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  9. TJ Zwarych about 1 year ago

    Nice job lookin into the personalities of the palyers

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  10. Jacob Pearl about 1 year ago

    I like it a lot, good job man.

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  11. Vincent Wong about 1 year ago

    Hehe

    I really liked the Beasley reference

    The others were a bit of a stretch... but creative nevertheless.

    :D

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    • Ben Allaire about 1 year ago

      Yeah, I agree that one is by far the strongest and the inspiration for the article.

      However, surprisingly, my favorite turned out to Bayless.

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  12. David Janulis about 1 year ago

    Um...it's the other way around, I thought. Disney owns ABC.

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