Hell gentle readers, and welcome to Bleacher Report's Draft Day On-Site Guide to the First Pick!
Bleacher Report has spared no expense, sending this Miami Beach-based sports humorist seven miles over the causeway to cover the NFL Draft from Dolphin HQ in the former Joe Robbie Stadium.
And I already have a bombshell--"With the first pick, Miami takes Michael Beasley from Kansas State!" (Cheers in background)
Commentator: "A terrific choice; he and Wade should be a force for years."
Oh wait, that's the Heat, who will also choose first (probably)...
No, the 'Fins are a little more problematic. They have many needs and could wander off in any direction, so the First Round should be roiled from the git-go.
They have assembled a crack team of Cam Cameron, Rick Spielman, and Dave Wannstache, the best and brightest of the last five (playoff-free) years.
Which way are they leaning?
"We needed a quarterback, and he's been working hard and keeping his nose clean. He hasn't been arrested in nearly seven months." said Spielman.
Since he was jailed, in other words?
"Well, um, yeah."
Cameron added: "We're not only getting Mike Vick, we're getting the entire Vick family!" gushed the worst coach ever. "Including the thuggish little brother and his idiot, bloodthirsty loser cousins."
What about the two Longs, Vernon Gholston, or even LSU DE Glenn Dorsey?
"Never was a fan of swing music." Wannstache replied.
You're not thinking of Tommy Dorsey, are you?
"I'm not a moron." snapped the Pitt coach, stepping on a rake as he dropped Florida's championship trophy.
More news as it breaks!