The Biggest Jackass on Each NFL Team
Every group of people has a certified jackass. There are two types of jackasses. The first takes things too far or throws himself at every lady he sees or lights up a locker room with laughter.
During high school a friend/jackass and I were at the mall. We bought cookies (I know, random) and when the clerk asked us, "Will there be anything else?" My friend responded, "How about your number?" At which point she turned to me and asked, "Will there be anything else?" I said "No" because I'm not a jackass. That's the good kind of jackass.
The second is the bad kind of jackass. It's the guy on his cell phone who switches lanes without signaling or the guy who yells just for attention or the guy who makes you think, "What a jackass." This list has both kinds. Will your team have a lovable jackass or a despicable jackass?
Buffalo Bills: Brian Moorman
We start the countdown with a punter? Yes, a punter. What positions produce more jackasses than punters and kickers. Remember Guillermo "Bill" Gramatica injuring himself during a celebration?
A couple years ago Moorman participated in the NFL Pro Bowl obstacle course. He's very athletic for a punter. He had a great run going until he bypassed the one-man football sled because he knew he couldn't move it and got himself disqualified. Unabashed self promotion will get you on the jackass list.
Side note: That wasn't even his Pro Bowl highlight. R.I.P. Sean Taylor.
Miami Dolphins: Channing Crowder
Channing likes to run his mouth. He took a shot at Rex Ryan and Rex responded.
"I don't know this Channing Crowder," Ryan said. "All I know is he's all tatted up, so I ought to be nervous about him ... If I was younger, I'd probably handle him myself."
Tough go of it. And then this year, after a loss to Baltimore, Channing went on a profanity laced tirade about Le'Ron McClain, who spit on him. The tirade is partially justified, but he made the unfortunate mistake of comparing the refs to Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank. When asked what a Jewish girl writing about the Holocaust had to do with the game, he clarified that he really meant Helen Keller. Jackass.
New England Patriots: Wes Welker
Before Welker's infamous press conference, it would've been impossible to pick a character out of the Patriots' locker room. I thought Welker's tongue-and-cheek press conference was hysterical because he kept a straight face throughout. Patriots' fans might remember it a little different because Welker violated Belichick's most important rule and New England lost the game.
Side note: I bet if Bill Belichick has an awesome sense of humor. We don't see it because he hates the media.
New York Jets: Rex Ryan
Rex is one of two coaches in the slideshow and that's because he is AWESOME. Who wouldn't want go out drinking in Manhattan with Rex. He goes to UFC fights, flips off cameras and makes cussing an art form. If the Jets had a consistent offense, they would be in the Super Bowl every year.
Baltimore Ravens: Terrell Suggs
With a nickname like "T-Sizzle" and a shirt like that, you're already a candidate for team jackass. When you question Tom Brady's Super Bowl wins then "you bet your sweet ass I have you as team jackass."
Cincinnati Bengals: Chad Ochocinco
Chad Ochocinco is the ultimate jackass. He can be charismatic, charming and funny. He can also be selfish, moody and overwhelming. Has anybody else noticed Chad fell off since he changed his last name. The self-proclaimed future Hall of Famer, in my opinion, needs two or three more great seasons to make the Hall.
Side note: I knew Chad was the ultimate jackass when I didn't even hesitate to elevate him over T.O. for team jackass.
Cleveland Browns: Jake Delhomme
Jake Delhomme probably won't be on the Browns next season (or an NFL team) but the Browns literally don't have a jackass. I could make Delhomme jokes for a paragraph but I found something a little more interesting.
Browns fans are so dedicated that they put a video of a Joe Thomas practice block on YouTube. I'm from Nebraska, I know dedicated fans, but I've never seen a Husker block video. Well done Cleveland fans. LeBron who?
Side note: I'm assuming that's Jake right before throwing an interception. Look at him biting his tongue. He's probably thinking, "I can fit it over the linebacker and between the two safeties." No Jake, NOOOOO!!!
Side note II: I'm obligated to make a Delhomme joke.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Hines Ward
Houston Texans: Brian Cushing
That picture is a before and after picture of Brian Cushing. If you didn't know the 2009 NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year was juiced after seeing that, then you're as blind as a Barry Bonds fan. Cushing averaged a little over six tackles per game in 2010 compared to a little over eight per game in 2009.
Steroids do have an effect in football, just ask Shawn Merriman.
Side note: The picture was the main reason Cushing was deemed a jackass.
Indianapolis Colts: Pat McAfee
The Colts punter had an interesting run-in with the police last season. On a Wednesday night, McAfee was picked up for public intoxication. A pretty run-of-the-mill charge until you read into it.
A woman called 911 after a shirtless McAfee approached her car. The cops found a soaked McAfee and asked him how he got wet. McAfee told them it was raining. (Common sense and dry pavement proved that to be false.) When they asked him where his shirt was, he said his shirt was "in the water."
Apparently, the intoxicated McAfee decided to take a dip in a nightlife-district canal. His blood-alcohol level was .15, or twice the legal driving limit.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Maurice Jones-Drew
Mojo is the good kind of jackass. He's tiny, he's lovable, he never takes a play off and, if you have him on your fantasy team, he's the man (I've had him in a keeper league for three years). It's too bad David Garrard has D.I.S. (Delhomme Interception Syndrome)
Side note: The Jets would be Super Bowl champs if they had Mojo.
Tennessee Titans: Cortland Finnegan
Should I write a paragraph detailing his antics, or give you a link of him getting dealt with?
Side note: I picked the link route.
Side note II: Andre Johnson doesn't like jackasses.
Denver Broncos: Kyle Orton
My favorite thing to come out of last season's Denver Broncos was the term "Between the 20s quarterback". I heard it from the NFL Network's Mike Lombardi. It refers to a quarterback who's great between the 20s but can't get it done in the red zone.
Side note: A buddy of mine thinks Rex Grossman is the only reason Peyton Manning has a Super Bowl ring. Not a bad point.
Kansas City Chiefs: Dwayne Bowe
Dwayne Bowe filled it up all year. He had a great season but he's kind of a jackass. He was suspended four games in 2009 for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Can anyone guess what he took to get suspended? It wasn't steroids or illegal drugs. He was suspended for taking a diuretic.
Side note: Brodie Croyle was my original pick for team jackass but I think people would be surprised to hear he's still in the league.
Oakland Raiders: Sebastian Janikowski
Yes, we have a kicker in the countdown. Janikowski would've been relatively normal on old Raiders team, but this is the 2011 Raiders. If you disagree with me, just hear me out.
Imagine you show up for practice and a groggy Sebastian rolls in half asleep. After feigning interest in warm-ups, I can see Janikowski chugging some Gatorade, chumming it up with fellow special teams players and then setting up camp at the 50-yard line and trying to hit 65-yard kicks until practice is over or until he's allowed to go home.
Side note: He was drafted in the FIRST round.
San Diego Chargers: Phillip Rivers
In this instance, the word jackass carries a negative connotation. When Rivers isn't yelling at linemen for missing blocks, he's yelling at opposing players, most notably quarterbacks (Ask Jay Cutler what he thinks of Rivers). I think he took personality lessons from his general manager A.J. Smith, who is so hard to work with that other general managers refer to him as the "Lord of the Ring-less".
Side note: Smith fired habitual postseason choke artist Marty Schottenheimer to hire eventual postseason choke artist Norv Turner.
Dallas Cowboys: Dez Bryant
Jerry Jones has a keen eye for jackasses. Normally, I wouldn't hesitate to throw Tony Romo under the bus but Dez's recent offseason incident earned him this honor.
When a mall cop asked Bryant to pull up his pants, Dez refused. Not only did Bryant refuse, but he also threw a temper tantrum and got kicked out of the mall.
Side note: He should've done what every other pants-sagging teenager does; pull them up until out of view of the self-righteous mall cop then re-adjust them. I did it many times.
Side note II: He's going to be an electrifying Cowboy.
New York Giants: Matt Dodge
Where is Plaxico Burress when I need him? Instead of the self-shooter, we have the punter who kicked to DeSean Jackson. Dodge has trouble catching the ball and he wears one glove on his left hand for extra assistance.
How hard is a punter's job? Catch the ball and dropkick it. Placing it inside the 20 is tricky but that's literally the most difficult part of the job. I applaud Coach Coughlin for ripping into Dodge. Shank it 25 yards out of bounds if you have to.
Side note: This slide would've been much funnier if Plaxico were still on the Giants.
Spoiler Alert: DeSean Jackson is the next slide and so is the link to the punt return.
Philadelphia Eagles: DeSean Jackson
Anybody who drops the ball before he enters the end zone is getting the jackass tag. Michael Vick may be the most popular Eagle but DeSean is the most charismatic. He's been dropping balls before the end zone since high school.
Side note II: DeSean set the record for most YouTube links (four) in a Sean Beckwith slide.
Washington Redskins: Mike Shanahan
I was going to put Rex Grossman as team jackass, then I realized Shanahan benched Donovan McNabb in favor of Rex Grossman.
Coach Shanahan is the second of two coaches in this countdown because he's AWFUL. His play calls are great but his personnel moves are all-time terrible. He was the GM in Denver and started off the post-Elway era with Brian Griese.
I didn't even mention he publicly embarrassed former All-Pro Albert Haynesworth. Daniel Snyder makes Jerry Jones look like Scott Pioli.
Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler
I don't want to call Brian Urlacher anything but Brian or Mr. Urlacher, but he's a Jay Cutler apologist. If you leave a playoff game early and you can still walk, you quit. Last season made me loathe Brett Favre but the only reason he would ever leave a Playoff game is that he's dead or can't stand. Quarterback is one of the few positions you can play injured. If you had to be athletic to play QB then Drew Bledsoe wouldn't exist. If you can shop with your girlfriend, you can finish the game.
Side note: If Caleb Haine played as well as his mustache looked, the Bears would've won the Super Bowl.
Side note II: Haine's mustache has its own Facebook page.
Detroit Lions: Drew Stanton
A couple years ago, I could've put the Lions logo here, wrote JACKASS and been done with it. No longer. They have Ndamakong SUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH (As a Husker fan, I'm obligated to write it like that) and Calvin Johnson.
Side note: If Matt Millen were still the Lions GM, he would've beat out Ochochinco for "Ultimate Jackass" title.
Side note II: I like Matt Millen as an analyst, even if he has zero credibility.
Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji
I want to hang out with B.J. Raji more than any other Packer. Any 6'2", 337 lb. defensive lineman who can dance like this has to be a blast to kick it with.
Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, Greg Jennings and Donald Driver all seem like very personable people but I bet the locker room brightens up when Raji is in it.
Side note: B.J. Raji is Caleb Haine's mustache's Kryptonite.
Minnesota Vikings: Jared Allen
I know Vikings fans are shocked by this choice. The guy has his own cookbook, The Quarterback Killer's Cookbook, filled with recipes for anything you can kill with a shotgun, lure or rifle. He can no longer do his sack dance because the NFL outlawed any celebration where a player drops to a knee. Also, did I mention he routinely sports a mullet. Good player, better jackass.
Atlanta Falcons: Michael Turner
Carolina Panthers: Jimmy Clausen
How many quarterbacks do you think Carolina has on its roster? If you guessed five, you're a Carolina fan. (Or you looked it up.) Technically it's five but if you count Appalachian State alum and Michigan Wolverine killer Armanti Edwards then it's six. I'm surprised FreeSteveSmith.com doesn't exist.
Being the starter at Carolina is like being UFL champion.
Side note: Steve Smith would've been the jackass in a good DeSean Jackson way but he has Charlie Weis' mutant child trying to throw him the ball.
New Orleans Saints: Reggie Bush
Reggie Bush was one of the best college football players I've ever seen. Not so much as a pro. The most notable thing he's done as a pro is date and break up with Kim Kardashian. That's jackass worthy right there. If he leaves New Orleans then he will be the league jackass. This is the best offense for him. Sean Payton dials up some of the most creative screen passes I've ever seen.
Side note: Pierre Thomas beat out Reggie for the starting spot to begin the season.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: LeGarette Blount
Blount wasn't made for Oregon's spread offense. Every team passed on him because he Mike Tysoned a Boise St. defensive lineman. What was lost in the aftermath was how Blount earned his way back on the Ducks. The Oregon senior went to class and practiced hard even though he wasn't guaranteed reinstatement.
Arizona Cardinals: Darnell Dockett
Why did Darnell Dockett film himself in the shower? I have no clue. I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now. Does he seem like a funny guy? Sure, in a weird kind way.
You know that friend of yours who loves to moon or flash people? My guess would be that Dockett is that person. Definitely a jackass.
Side note: The Dockett shower video is one video I will not link you to. You're welcome.
San Francisco 49ers: Vernon Davis
Jackasses inspire rants like this. Vernon is the only tight end on this count down. He has his own self-promotion filled website.
Side note: He must be pretty good at self promotion because I drafted him in the third round his rookie year.
Side note II: I didn't make fantasy football playoffs Vernon Davis' rookie year.
Seattle Seahawks: Matt Hasselback
St. Louis Rams: Luke Driscoll
Who is Luke Driscoll? Why haven't you heard of him? This is the last slide and I felt the need to end with a boom (I didn't plan it to workout like this, I went AFC East, North, South, West, NFC East, North, etc. in alphabetical order).
Luke Driscoll is a scout for the Rams. During combine week, he drank a little too much one night. At 3:20 a.m. on a Wednesday, he decided to urinate on the side of a building. Two cops approached him, one of them a female, and he decided to give them a show. He was charged with public nudity. To make matters worse, he graduated from Hasting College in Nebraska.
Luke Driscoll = JACKASS
Side note: The Huskers play at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln.
Side note II: I graduated from the University of Nebraska in Omaha.