A Hater's Guide to NFL Week 15: Why Your Team Is Bound To Lose

Michael Schottey@SchotteyNFL National Lead WriterDecember 14, 2012

A Hater's Guide to NFL Week 15: Why Your Team Is Bound To Lose

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    OK, 'tis the season...for some good ol' fashioned Week 15-inspired NFL hate!

    Last week, I tried to get into the Christmas spirit in order to get back on to Santa's nice list, but that's never going to work. So, I'm ready and willing to hand out lumps of coal to every single NFL team that foolishly thinks they have a chance this weekend.

    For you? No, no coal for you. For you, I've gotten something even more special: It's called a clue. Your team is terrible, and there will be no Christmas miracles (or Hanukkah miracles, for my Jewish friends). There will, however, be a Festivus-inspired airing of grievances.

    First, your face. Second, your odor. Three through five don't matter; I just want to make sure I have a fist ready in case you get too close.

    On to the grinchitude....

New York Giants vs. Atlanta Falcons

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    New York Giants

    Down by a field goal late in the first, Eli Manning slumps down in the middle of the field.

    "This is too hard, guys," Eli complains. "Why do we even play games before the playoffs? I don't get it. Why don't we get to do what I want to do!?!"

    Tom Coughlin walks over, calmly picks up Eli and promises to take him to the mall later—if he's a good boy. Eli agrees and plays well for the rest of the game, but the Falcons are able to maintain a lead when the entire Giants defense needs to help Eli find the bathroom in the third quarter.

    Atlanta Falcons

    Prior to kickoff, the Atlanta Falcons had a 15-minute Powerpoint presentation with accompanying handouts to make sure that everybody remembered that they're one of the best teams in the NFL. The seminar, entitled: "You Are What Your Record Says You Are" was lauded all over "Falcons Nation," from Covington to Flowery Branch.  

    After losing by 40 points, the Falcons schedule a repeat performance for next weekend.

Minnesota Vikings vs. St. Louis Rams

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    Minnesota Vikings

    Like usual, the Vikings don't show up at the stadium until 20 minutes before kickoff. It's pretty useless to warm up when the only thing that works—or is ever going to work—is handing off to Adrian Peterson and hoping for the best.

    When they finally show up, Peterson has decided to teach them a lesson and is standing by his spot in the visitor's locker room on crutches. Before he can explain, Leslie Frazier immediately breaks down sobbing and runs out onto the field to forfeit and tear his clothes out of grief.

    St. Louis Rams

    The Rams defense puts together a great plan to stop Peterson this week, but the plans go awry when he springs for 20 yards on each of his first two carries. Cortland Finnegan, who has clearly had enough, walks right over to the Vikings huddle, rears back and decks Peterson right in the chest.

    Peterson, who does not move, grins slightly.

    Hours later, paramedics will finally unwrap Finnegan's body from around the goalpost, and the Rams' entire 2013 budget will be spent on psychiatric care for the fans who attended a game that will live forever in infamy.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Miami Dolphins

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    Jacksonville Jaguars

    After firing up the team in the tunnel, Chad Henne spends the entire first quarter begging the Dolphins to take him back. Sadly, only the defensive backs agree to catch some of his passes. 16 turnovers later, Henne thanks the guys for reminding him of old times.

    Miami Dolphins

    In an effort to turn the team around, Stephen Ross looks for more celebrities to attend games and potentially buy parts of the team. After the 17th time he's forced to say, "No, the Dolphins, the football team...yes, the ones in Ace Ventura...no, they're real." He eventually gives up.

    A nearby janitor asks, "Sir, what if we just get better players?" Ross, through his sobbing, doesn't acknowledge the team employee. Instead, he just finishes blowing his nose with a 100 dollar bill and lets it crumple to the floor.

Green Bay Packers vs. Chicago Bears

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    Green Bay Packers

    Finally, the Packers get a chance to exact revenge on their mortal enemy.

    People from Green Bay can't stand people from Chicago. Who would want to live in such a cold city, be so single-minded about football (because there's nothing better to do in winter) or have such a bloodlust for beer, meat and cheese products?


    All these things considered, the Packers agree it'd be best to just not make the trip and take the loss instead.

    Chicago Bears

    While down seven in the second quarter, Phil Emery walks down to field level to check on Lovie Smith, who has been pacing back-and-forth for a solid two minutes.

    "What's wrong, Lovie?" he asks. The coach just murmurs something unintelligible and points at the ground. There, Lovie's Magic 8-Ball lies shattered on the ground after it was jostled out of his hands during an important coaching decision.

    "There, there, buddy," Emery says, putting his arms around the now-sobbing head coach. "We'll get you another 8-Ball."

    "And a five-year extension?" Smith asks.

    "Of course."

Washington Redskins vs. Cleveland Browns

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    Washington Redskins

    As Robert Griffin III limps around during the warm-up session, the Browns catch on to Mike Shanahan's ruse and start preparing for Kirk Cousins to get the start. After the kickoff, both they and RGIII (who's been sitting on the bench with his pads off) are surprised to learn that Shanahan is actually playing him.

    After the game, Shanahan would be quoted as saying: "It's OK, we can always get another one."

    Cleveland Browns

    They're the Browns.

Denver Broncos vs. Baltimore Ravens

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    Denver Broncos

    Peyton Manning sends in his retirement papers after his brand new Papa John's franchises set record profits in the wake of Colorado's marijuana legalization. Sadly, no one realizes what "Dude..." on the top of a pizza box means, and assume he's going to show up to play.

    Baltimore Ravens

    The team is relieved to have Ray Lewis back on the field for Sunday's game, but things get out of hand during his normal pregame pep talk. Weeks of pent-up aggression come flying out as Lewis picks up Joe Flacco and punts him clear into the second row.

    His teammates look at him surprised, but Lewis just growls, grabs Ray Rice and leaps away like a feral puma.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans

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    Indianapolis Colts

    "Wait, the Texans are in the AFC South?" Luck asks before the game. "I thought we only had to play the Jaguars and the Titans. What is this crap?"

    Clearly agitated, Luck starts pacing around the locker room, knocking things over. His linemen, worried about his safety, try to stop him, but can't manage to stop him from walking right past them, over and over and over.

    Houston Texans

    When the Texans get to the stadium, they are proud to unveil their 2013 Super Bowl rings. Sure, it's a little early, but it's already a foregone conclusion, right? The boost of confidence will do them good after that fluke loss last week as well. Plus, the big rings will look totally groovy with the new letterman jackets.

    The Texans lose by 50 but still hope ya'll will show up for the big pep rally next week.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints

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    Tampa Bay Buccaneers

    Drew Brees heads over to shake Josh Freeman's hand before the game and is startled when Freeman picks him up and tosses him three feet above his head. He continues to do this for a solid minute, as Brees just giggles away.

    Later, Freeman would buy Brees a snowcone, but not until Brees asked his mother if it was OK to have sugar before dinner.

    New Orleans Saints

    With Bountygate finally over, the Saints team is relieved to have nothing else to worry about and just focus on football. Yet, as game time draws nearer, the pit in their stomachs grows as they truly start to miss all of the negative attention. Listless and depressed, the Saints come out flat and are blown out in the first half.

    With his plan complete, Roger Goodell turns to the hooded, shadowy figure next to him and says, "Thanks, Paul."

Detroit Lions vs. Arizona Cardinals

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    Detroit Lions

    The Lions lose because their physically talented but mistake-prone quarterback doesn't have enough protection and doesn't have the time to get the ball to his immensely talented wide receiver, who is double-covered because there aren't really any other good receivers on the team.

    Of course, they can't run the ball, either, because their running backs are injured and the aforementioned offensive line run-blocks even worse than they pass-block.

    Arizona Cardinals

    The Cardinals lose because their physically talented but mistake-prone quarterback doesn't have enough protection and doesn't have the time to get the ball to his immensely talented wide receiver, who is double-covered because there aren't really any other good receivers on the team.

    Of course, they can't run the ball, either, because their running backs are injured and the aforementioned offensive line run-blocks even worse than they pass-block.

Carolina Panthers vs. San Diego Chargers

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    Carolina Panthers

    Ever since last week's game, Cam Newton just walks onto the practice field every day, nods his head and walks off. The rest of the team—although they ignore it at first—eventually follow his lead and decide they really don't have to prepare for the Chargers, who couldn't possibly be any tougher than the Falcons.

    Down by two touchdowns in the second quarter, Ron Rivera quickly decides to put in their new backup quarterback.

    San Diego Chargers

    A.J. Smith peppers the Carolina front offices with phone calls all week long, begging the Panthers to take some more of his coaches, players, cheerleaders—whatever. No matter how many times the receptionist tries to tell him that the Panthers don't even have a GM to take his call right now and that the trade deadline has clearly passed, Smith won't take no for an answer.

    As the Panthers arrive to the stadium and head into the locker room, Norv Turner and Philip Rivers are waiting for them, wearing Panthers jerseys. (Yes, Norv too.)

    Smith's brave roster moves earn him a 10-year extension with the team, and he will later ask everyone to trust him as he hires Turner back to coach the team with a lifetime contract.

Seattle Seahawks vs. Buffalo Bills

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    Seattle Seahawks

    Russell Wilson isn't mad when his ticket to Toronto says "infant in lap." Heck, compared to airline seats, Paul McQuistan's lap is actually an improvement. He decides enough is enough, however, when the plane is out of those awesome little cookies that you can only get on planes.

    Wilson throws a fit for the rest of the flight, as McQuistan desperately bounces him up and down and mouths "sorry" to all of the other passengers.

    Buffalo Bills

    Chan Gailey writes Post-it notes to stick all over his clipboard, reminding him that C.J. Spiller is the running back he wants to use. It seems to be working as he calls out each play and looks down, remembering that: No, Fred Jackson isn't the guy that's one of the most explosive athletes in all of football. As Gailey watches the Bills' score climb higher and higher, he dreams of the heights to which he can take this team.

    Sadly, it's still Saturday morning, and the employees at Home Depot eventually walk Gailey back to the bus stop and send him back home, where he enjoys a nice bowl of soup and a re-run of Wheel of Fortune.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Dallas Cowboys

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    Pittsburgh Steelers

    Rashard Mendenhall shows up to the team flight but is stopped by Mike Tomlin, who reminds him that he's been suspended. "Wait, though," Mendenhall says, "Roethlisberger didn't play a few weeks ago and you let him come back!"

    As Tomlin tries to describe to Mendenhall (repeatedly) what an injury is, the troubled running back takes to Twitter, fires off some highly offensive thoughts and is immediately hired by ESPN for a recurring spot on First Take.

    Dallas Cowboys

    Jerry Jones, worried that his team isn't prepared for the stretch run, heads into the team offices and clears a spot right in the middle of the locker room. As Brinks employee after Brinks employee walks into the room with sacks full of money, Jones dumps them onto the floor into a giant pile.

    With the pile completed, Jones looks around and says, "Now you know what I'm willing to give up to win this team a Super Bowl. Tell whoever makes the personnel decisions around here to put this to good use."

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Oakland Raiders

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    Kansas City Chiefs

    The Chiefs spend the week getting mentally prepared, putting together an excellent game plan and turning themselves into a finely tuned machine capable of beating any team. 

    Wait, no, that's wrong, these are my notes from 2003.

    My bad, guys. The Chiefs are terrible. They're going to lose because they're terrible.

    Oakland Raiders

    Raiders fans finally get their wish, as everyone from Reggie McKenzie to Dennis Allen to the team's waterboy are fired. Finally, without those terrible coaches and GMs, the players are finally able to show their true talent.

    The team rattles off 75 straight wins and becomes a modern dynasty worthy of tale in word and song. Carson Palmer and Terrelle Pryor become the first quarterback tandem to throw for a combined bajillion touchdowns in a season and Darren McFadden never gets injured again.

San Francisco 49ers vs. New England Patriots

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    San Francisco 49ers

    Jim Harbaugh spends the week wrecking stress balls and old-timey hand grips as he prepares for his handshake with Bill Belichick. Finally, the moment comes when he sees Belichick in the tunnel during warm-ups. He walks over and wraps his palm around Belichick's with full intent to leave it crushed and worthless.

    Then, all of a sudden, feelings of grief and terror wash over him. He looks up and sees darkness where Belichick's pupils should be. He tries to tear his hand away but finds himself unable to move. What seems like an eternity passes before Harbaugh eventually slumps to the floor, pants soiled.

    New England Patriots

    I can't think of any time when a Belichick offense was shut down by a top defense with good pass-rushers. Has it ever happened? Can anyone think of any reason the Patriots shouldn't be cocky about this game?

    Wait, Patriots fans aren't ever cocky, are they? No, never... #SarcasmFont

New York Jets vs. Tennessee Titans

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    New York Jets

    During the Jets' weekly press conference to remind the media that the Jets don't like when the media talks about the Jets, Tim Tebow steals the headlines by continuing to exist.

    Meanwhile, over on the actual football field, Mark Sanchez continues his "slightly better than usual, but I'm probably just trolling all of you guys because I'm going to suck the moment you start to trust me again" level of play.

    None of this matters, however, as Woody Johnson finally convinces Rex Ryan to play a quarterback who is both a true winner and marketable to boot. He's already on TV!

    Tennessee Titans

    Why is this game on prime time?

    No, really, Monday Night Football games have been pretty terrible the last couple of seasons as the NFL tries to divvy up the elite games between the prime-time slots and the new networks joining the TV game. Seriously though, was there ever any moment that Jets-Titans was going to be a good matchup? C'mon man!

    Titans win, Titans lose—whatever. If you're awake at the end of this game, you deserve a medal.

    Michael Schottey is the NFL national lead writer for Bleacher Report and a member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff at The Go Route.