NFL Week 2: Mike Tanier's Game Previews and Score Predictions

The Bills have never won the Super Bowl. For Bills fans, beating the Patriots in Buffalo is the next-best thing.

The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl. For Eagles fans, beating the Cowboys in Philly is the next-best thing.

Week 2 is the time for teams to make a statement, even if that statement is just "we don't like you." A 2-0 start can say "we've arrived" or "take us seriously" or "our recent Heisman winner is better than your recent Heisman winner." A win after a season-opening loss can say "cancel red alert" or "we've ironed the kinks out" or "Eli promises not to tell the running backs not to score touchdowns anymore."

When the Seahawks and Packers square off, not only is the NFC on the line, but the statement is clear: This game ain't over until the clock reads 0:00. And maybe not even then.

These game previews are listed in the order that you should read them! All times Eastern.

Dallas Cowboys (1-0) at Philadelphia Eagles (0-1), Sunday, 4:25 p.m.

John Bazemore/Associated Press

"Living well is the best revenge."—poet George Herbert (1593-1633)

DeMarco Murray can get his revenge on the Cowboys in many ways. He could help the Eagles win a Super Bowl, win another rushing title or simply rack up big yardage in a win this weekend (and in the rematch in two months). Or he can take Herbert's more philosophical approach:

I'm making $40 million to touch the ball 12 times per week! I'm the world's most expensive fantasy football leech! No more 30-carry workloads in blowout victories at $12.50 per hour for me! Enjoy getting used as pack mules, Joseph Randle and Darren McFadden!

Murray's usage in Monday night's loss to the Falcons was certainly peculiar. He rushed for minus-four yards by halftime and then became a kind of glorified red-zone specialist. Chip Kelly spent millions of dollars on multiple running backs only to once again ask Darren Sproles to do most of the work. Perhaps it was all part of Kelly's self-mortification project, merely a carefully controlled defeat as part of his Marvel-supervillain master plan. Just look at the roles all of his new acquisitions played:

Sam Bradford: Absorb multiple hits, throw interceptions, make sure no one even pretends to honor the option fake.

Ryan Mathews: Two carries for three yards when the Eagles needed four yards with the game on the line and Murray (sigh) on the bench. Also drop a pass while wide-open in the flat with 20 yards in front of you.

Byron Maxwell: Chase Julio Jones all over the field, while the safeties help the Eagles' hapless other cornerbacks with Roddy White. Say...aren't former Seahawks cornerbacks supposed to be able to jam receivers at the line or something?

Kiko Alonso: An amazing one-handed interception of a pass to White in the end zone obscures the fact that Alonso is asked to cover White in the end zone.

Despite the mistakes and the Murray-usage mystery, the Eagles were within one missed field goal of winning in Week 1, just as the Cowboys were within one yard and about 200 stupefying Giants mistakes of losing.

Jason Garrett was as befuddled by Murray's absence as Kelly was by his presence. Joseph "Meat on the Bone" Randle earned the start at running back, but Garrett doesn't trust Randle on third downs, or in the red zone, or late in a close game, or any time a running back might need to do something important. Lance Dunbar is Garrett's Sproles, while Darren McFadden gets a few handoffs so Jerry Jones can shout "Woo Pig Sooie" and Randle has someone to criticize. Most shockingly, Garrett asked Tony Romo to throw, throw and throw some more, even with Dez Bryant in various states of unavailability for most of Sunday night.

Bryant's foot injury tilts this game in the Eagles' favor. He had to be watching the Falcons and Jones on Monday night and screaming at his foot to heal faster. The Cowboys must suddenly adjust much of their offensive philosophy in time for a hostile-environment road game. For all of their Monday night woes, the Eagles left Atlanta healthy and with several of their worst no-huddle kinks ironed out.

Murray will get some sort of vengeance this week. We'll see on November 8 if Bryant enjoys a dish best served cold.

Prediction: Eagles 37, Cowboys 31

Seattle Seahawks (0-1) at Green Bay Packers (1-0), Sunday, 8:30 p.m.

Stephen Brashear/Associated Press

The 2012 Fail Mary can be interpreted many ways: the Seahawks' answer to the Tuck Rule game, the freak event that shifted the balance of NFC power from the Packers to the Seahawks, a reminder of how complex the NFL's catch and pass-interference rules can be and how whole careers can hang in the balance during an interpretation and misapplication of the rule book.

For me, the Fail Mary is the ultimate indicator of how screwed up the NFL has become. Think about it: The NFL locked out experienced officials over a benefit-plan dispute that the league could probably have funded mostly with Ndamukong Suh fines. It let two full weeks of games be decided by referees culled from the Zany Insolvent Indoor Football League and the Goth Girls in Hip-Huggers and Helmets Association, culminating in an embarrassing blunder that went on to have a huge impact on the playoff race. Roger Goodell admitted that fans "deserve better" and rushed the real referees back to the field. And all anyone remembers of this fiasco is one play, because the NFL has done so many dumber things since.

The Packers aren't thinking about the Fail Mary. They aren't thinking about last year’s fourth-quarter collapse in the NFC Championship or the beating they took from the Seahawks in the 2014 season opener either. As Ryan Wood reported for PackersNews.com, Mike McCarthy called a team meeting in the spring to help the Packers through the post-Seahawks' "grieving process." Those demons have been exorcised—last Sunday's Bears victory chased the onside-kick goblins away, too—and the Packers are preparing to battle a conference rival, not the ghosts of conference rivals past.

The Seahawks, meanwhile, are trying to battle their own late-game demons while shutting out distractions. Marshawn Lynch's mother criticized Darrell Bevell's play-calling this week; like Internet moms everywhere, she's about seven months behind the trend. The Seahawks are good at scoffing off ancillary Marshawn chatter, but Kam Chancellor remains AWOL, and the Seahawks look like a team that has lost the magic touch it acquired when Golden Tate "caught a game-winning touchdown pass" against the Packers three years ago.

It's not about Fail Mary passes or playoff mojo or angry Facebook moms. It's about blocking, getting open, covering and tackling. The Seahawks can't do the first two anymore and aren't as great as they were last year at the last two.

A Packers win may not be a cosmic turning point, but it could change the venue for a playoff game, which would be almost the same thing.

Prediction: Packers 23, Seahawks 20

New England Patriots (1-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-0), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Jerome Davis/Getty Images

Aww, look at those adorable Bills fans, turning an itty-bitty widdle September game into their own make-believe Super Bowl! How charming. It's like a puppy chewing on a stuffed rabbit. Someday, when you're all growed up like the Patriots, widdle Bills fans, maybe you can go play in the big-boy Super Bowl!

Oops, sorry. I was listening to my MP3 player while typing, and someone piped Patriots talk radio into my headphones. I hate when that happens.

But, yes, the Bills and their fans are staking a lot of emotion on this game to provide some early validation for the Rex Ryan regime and perhaps send a message that the AFC East isn't the Patriots' fiefdom anymore.

Aww, silly widdle Bills fans think winning this game matters. The Bills beat the Patriots in December last year, and the Patriots won the Super Bowl. The Bills beat the Patriots in September 2011, and the Patriots went to the Super Bowl. The Bills shut the Patriots out 31-0 in the season opener in 2003, and the Patriots won the Super Bowl. The Patriots don't care about your teeny-tiny widdle windup-toy rivalry.

Cut it out, Patriots radio feed! You know what Buffalo sports fans have had to cheer about in the last 20 years? Syracuse basketball and one Sabres trip to the Stanley Cup Final. The Bills nearly left the United States for Toronto and then nearly got sold to Donald Trump or Jon Bon Jovi.

It has been a generation since the last Bills playoff win and over a decade since the last head coach who wasn't some nondescript off-the-shelf coordinator or middleweight collegiate guru. Bills fans have remained dedicated to their scuffling small-market team, which is a lot harder than marching in championship parades every couple of years.

So let the Bills faithful have their "We Want Brady" chants and Ryan Mania. The Patriots are a good matchup for them: The Bills defense is much better than anything the Steelers tried to put on the field last Thursday, and the Bills receivers can test the Patriots secondary.

Predicting an upset is pushing things, and, yes, even an upset won't change the AFC East status quo very much. But this really is a big game, not just another Sunday afternoon walk in the park for Brady. Bills fans should not be ashamed of finally having a team to get excited about.

Prediction: Patriots 27, Bills 24

San Diego Chargers (1-0) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-0), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Tom Uhlman/Associated Press

It all started with a Giovani Bernard fumble in Cincinnati against the Chargers in the playoffs a year-and-a-half ago.

The Marvin Lewis-Andy Dalton Bengals had lost a pair of Wild Card Games the previous two years, but both losses were on the road against Houston, and the Bengals still had the blush of a budding contender in those early years.

The Bengals were at home on Jan. 5, 2014, facing playoff upstarts with a new head coach. Bernard fought his way toward the end zone to give the Bengals a 14-7 lead, but he fumbled at the 4-yard line. Everything went sideways for the Bengals after that: Dalton threw interceptions and fumbled, the run defense collapsed and the Chargers pulled away for a 27-10 win.

That was the moment Dalton became the quarterback who couldn't win a big game. That was the moment when the Bengals got stuck forever on the AFC middle-management track.

So perhaps this is a chance for the Bengals to reclaim a little mojo. They are coming off a lopsided confidence-building win. They are at home in an early game (their record is 14-4-1 in that situation since 2012). They face the visiting Chargers in a 1 p.m. Eastern game: The Chargers are 5-4 in the last two years, including a 37-0 loss to the Dolphins last year, in conditions that obviously work against a West Coast team that's frequently asked to cross time zones and play while their fans eat breakfast. In a battle of evenly matched welterweights, venue and time can make a difference.

Of course, this could also be the Chargers' chance to prove that they are doing more than paying Philip Rivers, hovering around .500 and circling LAX airport this year.

It's a close call, but the Bengals know this is the perfect chance for them to flip their script: They are healthier and deeper than the Chargers, and the whole world will be watching Bills-Patriots.

Prediction: Bengals 28, Chargers 24

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) at New Orleans Saints (0-1), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Sean Payton is using some low-tech sports science to analyze his team's defense these days. He's counting to 10.

"We had some hurries and some pressures," Payton said Wednesday, per Katherine Terrell of the Times-Picayune), "but, obviously, when a quarterback can have that kind of time...the very first touchdown, the quarterback, Carson Palmer, flushes to the right, and if you count and you watch, and you watch, and you watch, that wasn't like five Mississippi, that was like nine."

Nine Mississippi? Even in playground 3-on-3, five Mississippi is when the tubby kid can rush the quarterback. (Trust me, I know.) The game clock actually ticks off seven seconds during Palmer's scramble, but Payton's point stands: The Saints defense wasn't good enough.

There are only two circumstances when it is socially acceptable for a grown man to count by Mississippis. The first is a pickup game in the parking lot. The second is when he is about to lose his patience and totally blow his stack. Do you get the feeling that Payton is doing most of his counting for that second reason these days?

"

Rob Ryan: Hey Sean, we need to call more timeouts so I can get my defense lined up properly. Also, I have these great new blitz packages where no one covers the running back at all on a swing pass.

Sean Payton: One Mississippi. Two Mississippi...

Jairus Byrd: Hey coach, I know Rafael Bush got hurt. But don't worry: My knee is slightly less swollen than it was two months ago, so I will be back sometime before my $54 million contract expires.

Sean Payton: Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi...

Drew Brees: Hey coach, the producers of a new reality show called Crossing the Interstate on Rollerblades just called me!

Sean Payton: (veins in temples bulging, biting through pencil) EIGHT MISSISSIPPI...grrrrr...

"

In Buccaneers news, Jameis Winston figures that nine Mississippi is just enough time for him to read an NFL defense.

Prediction: Saints 34, Buccaneers 20

Arizona Cardinals (1-0) at Chicago Bears (0-1), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Norm Hall/Getty Images

Meet the obscure offensive contributors for the 2015 Arizona Cardinals:

David Johnson, Running Back: Third-round pick out of Northern Iowa. Earned high draftnik praise as a power back who can also catch the ball. Possesses a Cloak of Invisibility that wards off Saints defenders.

John Brown, Wide Receiver: He's the guy who gets drafted in the 14th round of every fantasy draft, and all the brothers-in-law and guys who stopped watching football regularly in 1998 say, "Who?" and the drafter says, "He's the No. 3 receiver out in Arizona" and everybody says, "Oh." Role formerly held by Steve Breaston, who at least had a funny name. The Cardinals also have a receiver named Jaron Brown, because Bruce Arians hates fantasy football and hates you.

Darren Fells, Tight End: This is actually Logan Thomas playing tight end under an assumed name. The Logan Thomas the Dolphins think they added to their practice squad is Ryan Lindley with a paste-on soul patch.

Chris Johnson, Running Back: Star of the former Disney Channel hit CJ2K, about a preteen with superpowers who goes to a boarding school in a penthouse on a luxury liner in outer space. Profiled on VH1's Behind the Music in 2011, the Lifetime movie Arm-Tackled by Desire in 2012 and Bravo's Behind VH1's Behind the Music in 2013. Whereabouts currently unknown. Oh wait, he's on the Cardinals. Never mind.

That's two J. Browns, two Johnsons and pretty much every possession-receiving tight end you forgot about two years ago. By the time opponents realize this is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors, it will be too late for the Bears.

Prediction: Cardinals 24, Bears 20

St. Louis Rams (1-0) at Washington Redskins (0-1) , Sunday, 1 p.m.

Jamie Squire/Getty Images

A reading from the Redskins Book of Sorrows:

"

And lo! Did Snyder covet Robert Griffin of Baylor,

So much that he tempted the Rams with oxcarts laden with draft picks,

Three years of plump draft picks did he tempt them with,

And Snyder sent forth Shanahan, and the Son of Shanahan,

That they might break bread with Griffin and learn of his mettle,

And Shanahan and the Son of Shanahan returned unto Snyder

Saying: "Indeed, he is the Chosen One that was prophesied!"

(A detail Shanahan conveniently forgets these days.)

So Snyder anointed Griffin the Chosen One,

Bringing three years of famine upon his kingdom,

While the Rams gorged upon oxcarts laden with draft picks.

The Rams begot Michael Brockers, who begot Janoris Jenkins,

Who begot Alec Ogletree, who begot Zac Stacy,

(Who was traded for Bryce Hager),

Who begot Greg Robinson, and also Isaiah Pead,

For it was not all milk and honey.

From their surplus also did Tavon Austin and Aaron Donald come,

While the Redskins wailed and gnashed their teeth,

And the Rams said, "Let us now fleece Chip Kelly."

"

The Rams won last year's ReGr3t Bowl 24-0, knocking Colt McCoy out of the game so they could have a look at the road less traveled. The Redskins, true to form, essentially asked McCoy to run the offense from his hospital bed the following week.

The Rams are coming off a huge upset, may be getting back Tre Mason (and even Todd Gurley) and are overloaded on the defensive front to stop the Redskins' running game. The Redskins remain a failure of biblical proportions.

Prediction: Rams 26, Redskins 14

Detroit Lions (0-1) at Minnesota Vikings (0-1), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Denis Poroy/Associated Press

Temperatures are supposed to be in the low 70s in Minneapolis with moderate humidity Sunday: not too hot and not too cold. That's good news for the Lions, whose defense lost about 60 pounds and a little respect in the San Diego heat last week. When Rashean Mathis covered Keenan Allen, it was like Sweatin' to the Oldies, but Allen would have had to turn around to see it.

Extreme heat is a relatively new excuse for a late-game collapse for the Lions, the team that gave you "I thought I was supposed to snap the football, not draw them offsides"; "a fake field goal in the rain will totally fool the Steelers"; "a call in the playoffs didn't go our way, so let's just quit”; and many variations on "forced sidearm pass to Calvin Johnson for no good reason."

At least the Lions had heat and humidity as an excuse. The Vikings lost to a glorified expansion team using a playbook you can only unlock in Madden by entering the "TexasHighSchool1958" cheat code. The Lions looked good for a half. The Vikings couldn't stop I formation iso, complete a slant pass or consistently kick field goals. Maybe the late-night start made them sleepy.

The Teddy Bridgewater Vikings disappointed those of us who looked at the depth chart and thought they would be good for the first time on Monday night. Keep the disappointments coming for seven years or so and they will catch up to the Matthew Stafford Lions.

Prediction: Vikings 21, Lions 20

Baltimore Ravens (0-1) at Oakland Raiders (0-1), Sunday, 4:05 p.m.

Larry French/Getty Images

We all know the Ravens play some ugly road games. They are facing either Derek Carr with an injured thumb or backup Matt McGloin this week, in a sandlot. After dropping a stink bomb on offense against the Broncos, the Ravens are primed to deliver another unwatchable aggregation of punts, turnovers and screen passes negated by holding penalties.

But will Ravens-Raiders crack the "All-Time Ugly Ravens Game Top Five"? As the list below shows, it's a pretty elite list. By "all time," we mean the John Harbaugh-Joe Flacco era, though there were some snoozers when guys like Anthony Wright were the Ravens quarterback. "Ugly" means boring and unpleasant on both sides of the ball, not lopsided. Ravens-Steelers games were disqualified, because they are more gritty than ugly.

Ravens 18, Lions 16 (December 16, 2013)

The signature Ravens road win: six Justin Tucker field goals of ever-increasing length, from 29-, 24- and 32-yarders in the first half to 49-, 53- and 61-yarders in the second half. All that was missing was a last-second safety to force overtime so Tucker could attempt a field goal from Michigan Stadium.

Texans 25, Ravens 13 (December 21, 2014)

A gem from last year. Case Keenum was the Texans quarterback, which is why Arian Foster threw the Texans' only touchdown pass. Randy Bullock kicked six field goals. Joe Flacco threw 50 passes, netting 195 yards, three interceptions and no receptions longer than 20 yards. Sixteen total punts, 51 combined incomplete passes...even J.J. Watt could only muster one measly sack.

Bengals 15, Ravens 10 (September 19, 2010)

The Bengals won with five field goals. There were 15 total punts. Flacco threw four interceptions. The two teams combined for 309 net passing yards.

Ravens 9, Chiefs 6 (October 7, 2012)

Who needs touchdowns? The highlight of this game was a drive where the Chiefs ran the ball 12 straight times, then settled for a field goal. At least the clock kept running.

Jaguars 12, Ravens 7 (October 24, 2011)

Blaine Gabbert went 9-of-20 for 93 yards and won thanks to four Josh Scobee field goals. The Ravens netted 146 yards of offense but committed 85 yards' worth of penalties. It was Gabbert's first career win. There would be four others.

The Ravens have a chance to do something very special this week. It's OK if you choose to watch something else instead.

Prediction: Ravens 25, Raiders 12

Atlanta Falcons (1-0) at New York Giants (0-1), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Overheard on the Giants sideline this coming Sunday:

"

Rashad Jennings: Hey Eli, should I try to score a touchdown on the next drive, or just fall down to run the clock out?

Eli Manning: Didn't we learn our lesson last week? We are football players, Rashad. Scoring touchdowns is pretty much the point of our lives.

Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie: Hey, Eli, should I cover Julio Jones this week or just let him score a quick touchdown? We get the ball back real fast that way. The Eagles let Julio do whatever he wanted on Monday night; maybe it's some new uptempo sports-science strategy!

Eli Manning: Hmm...time of possession really is an important statistic.

Jerry Reese: Hey, Eli, we are out of safeties on the roster. Should I scour the waiver wires or just throw a bunch of dudes out there? I'm thinking, cap management-wise, throwing dudes out there is the more economical choice.

Eli Manning: Well, if DRC is going to let Julio Jones score, it doesn't really matter who plays safety, does it?

Giants team doctor: Hey, Eli, we have had some injuries. Should I treat them? Bones heal naturally on their own, right?

Eli Manning: Natural remedies really are the best remedies, Doc. Maybe you should go rub some herbs on some hamstrings.

Odell Beckham Jr.: Hey, Eli, I just found a big jar of mayonnaise in a sunny part of the parking lot that a bunch of tailgaters must have left behind. Who wants potato salad?

Eli Manning: Me! Me! Make enough for everyone!

"

The Falcons are hoping that a second straight NFC East opponent shows up with a mind-bogglingly dumb game plan and no plan for stopping Jones. Based on last week, their chances aren't half-bad.

Prediction: Giants 24, Falcons 23

Houston Texans (0-1) at Carolina Panthers (1-0), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Patric Schneider/Associated Press

Psst. Bill O'Brien was trying to keep his quarterback a secret until kickoff Sunday, but Game Previews figured out who will start. It's the former Tom Brady backup whom the Texans picked up on the cheap and shouldn't be starting in the NFL.

OK, O'Brien confirmed late in the week that Ryan Notbrady (OK, Mallett), who replaced Brian Notbrady (who is called Hoyer by the mountain gnomes) midway through last week's loss to the Chiefs, will get the start against the Panthers.

Mallett overslept a practice after losing the starting job to Brian Hoyer three weeks ago, but no employee in America has the carte blanche a Brian Hoyer backup has (see: Manziel, Johnny). A backup can drive the coach's car off a cliff, but after Hoyer plays for about a half, the coach will be like, "Yeah, you learned your lesson, and you're ready, kid."

The Texans' starting running back is a better-kept secret. Arian Foster reportedly told teammates that he would be back from his groin injury for Week 2. Some media reports, like this one from Jason La Canfora at CBSSports.com, sounded pretty definite about Foster's return, though Foster is the kind of guy who will drink chia smoothies in a hyperbaric teepee during the full moon under the assumption it somehow cuts two weeks off a groin injury.

Foster practiced a bit late in the week, but O'Brien indicated (via the team's official Twitter account) his return is still at least a week off, unless the coach is playing mind games or moving Foster to quarterback. Foster did throw a touchdown pass last year...

The Panthers coped with all of this uncertainty by focusing on the Texans' lone certainty. Slowing J.J. Watt down is often a job for both an offensive tackle and a tight end, especially when the offensive tackle is not very good. (And these are the Panthers we are talking about.) So Greg Olsen will probably do a lot of blocking Sunday. Problem is, he's the Panthers' best receiver. Even when he is held to one catch like he was against the Jaguars, Olsen is the only guy commanding a double-team.

So Olsen must simultaneously block Watt and run pass routes. Maybe the Panthers should create a clone named Philly Olsen! No, that was last week's gag.

This week, they're just hosed. It could turn out to be a pretty good week to be a Notbrady after all.

Prediction: Texans 22, Panthers 13

San Francisco 49ers (1-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images

That season-opening Steelers loss to the Patriots raised many questions.

Why didn't Brandon Boykin play? Sure, he isn't fully versed in the playbook, but no one on the Steelers defense looked like they knew the playbook.

Who are Antwon Blake and Terence Garvin, and how quickly can they be replaced?

Rookie pass-rusher Bud Dupree on Rob Gronkowski in coverage: travesty or debacle?

Is there some kind of electroshock collar that can zap Todd Haley whenever he calls a stupid trick play?

The good news for the Steelers is that they should be getting Boykin into the lineup this week (he learned the part of the playbook about not preparing for the no-huddle at all) and that the 49ers probably won't challenge their diminutive/thin/terrible secondary.

Colin Kaepernick threw "deep" (more than 15 yards downfield) just twice in Monday night's win over the Vikings, according to NFLGSIS.com. Both passes fell incomplete. Everything else the 49ers did on offense was some variation on the pistol or three-tight-end power run or play-action short pass. Kaepernick didn't even keep the ball on options. It was like a scaled-down version of a scaled-down offense, but it worked.

The 49ers know they are understaffed and inexperienced on offense, so they are going for the stripped-down, chew-the-clock, keep-it-close approach. They are also saddled with the Chargers' old "late Monday home game, early Sunday Eastern Time Zone game" early-season schedule. That should make life easy for the Steelers, unless Mike Tomlin and Haley choose to overcomplicate things.

Prediction: Steelers 24, 49ers 17

Tennessee Titans (1-0) at Cleveland Browns (0-1), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Brian Blanco/Associated Press

For young quarterbacks, being boring is a virtue. Having the public persona of a boiled potato keeps you off TMZ, keeps your quotes off the bulletin boards and keeps your image from getting tossed into the front lines of the meme wars. Sure, some may question your leadership, but it only takes about three wins to gain a reputation for "quiet leadership."

Marcus Mariota threw four touchdowns in his rookie debut and earned AFC Offensive Player of the Week honors. But the big story in Titans-land is the proper pronunciation of the last name of the most important rookie in franchise history.

As Paul Kuharsky wrote for ESPN at considerable length, it's pronounced MAR-ee-OH-tah, not MARY-oh-tah. Kuharsky even consulted linguist Marian Macchi of E-Speech, who explained that Mariota's name fools speakers into thinking it follows something called the Marion Rule, which sounds like something the Mother Superior warns the eighth-grade boys about at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows Middle School.

It's always a good sign when linguistics are the only thing to quibble about after a rookie's first game.

Mariota enjoys another chance to win while getting upstaged this week as the Browns scramble to clear Josh McCown through concussion protocols while preparing Johnny Manziel for his first career second-chance start.

A mispronounced name can often be a good thing. Too many young quarterbacks nowadays end up household names too soon, and for the wrong reasons.

Prediction: Titans 19, Browns 13

Miami Dolphins (1-0) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1), Sunday, 4:05 p.m.

Sam Greenwood/Getty Images

Blake Bortles said this week that when fans criticize the Jaguars' play-calling, "It's like a kindergartner saying something to a college kid."

Now, being a Jaguars fan is hard enough without Blake Freakin' Bortles condescending to you. It goes without saying that some sports-talk chatter sounds like the bibble-babble around the tetherball pole: the naive view of how the world works, the demand for instant gratification and the magical thinking that things happen just because someone "wants it more." But no one wants to be compared to a kindergartner, especially by someone whose team, by college-kid standards, is the third-year undeclared liberal-arts freshman flunking geology.

Kindergartners, it should be noted, have a lot to teach college kids. Drink too much and you will get sick, for example. Those crab legs don't belong to you. And then, of course, there's Be nice to everyone, especially people who are being nice to you by investing time and money in a football team that has not won a September football game since 2012.

About the only people who don't realize that college kids could learn a lot from kindergartners are college kids. Such is the nature of adolescence, a state the Jaguars are perpetually stuck in.

Tune in Sunday to see if Ndamukong Suh turns the Jaguars backfield into the world's roughest Montessori academy.

Prediction: Dolphins 27, Jaguars 10

New York Jets (1-0) at Indianapolis Colts (0-1), Monday, 8:30 p.m.

Bill Wippert/Associated Press

The Colts may have been suffering from a case of choice paralysis last week.

Choice paralysis is the phenomenon of having so many good choices that making the proper selection becomes a source of anxiety and depression. It's a real problem—a real first-world problem, anyway—that actual academics write books about. But if you have ever had the urge to snuff out the sun and plunge the Earth into eternal darkness after ordering a turkey club at a fancy coffee shop (White, rye, sourdough or artisanal flaxseed bread? Iceberg, romaine or Bibb lettuce? Across which axis should we slice your tomatoes?) you understand the concept.

The Colts sure looked like they had choice paralysis last week. Let's feature T.Y. Hilton. No, wait: Donte Moncrief. Maybe this is a Coby Fleener situation. The Bills are blitzing a lot; how about Fleener AND Allen? Phillip Dorsett needs some snaps. Hey, a little Tyler Varga might be interesting. Oh my gosh, Frank Gore. WE CALLED ALL THESE PLAYS AND FORGOT ALL ABOUT FRANK GORE. (spend rest of day eating ice cream straight from the carton with a spatula)

The Colts need to simplify their choices this week, particularly against another opponent whose secondary can handle their receivers one-on-one during heavy blitzes. Last week's plan was to use six or seven blockers to handle the Rex Ryan blitz, while the remaining receivers ran slow-developing downfield routes that made them easy to cover. Let's help Chuck Pagano, Pep Hamilton and Andrew Luck by improving their (buzzword coming) choice architecture.

• Hot reads, screens, draw plays and short crossing routes are all effective blitz counterattacks.

• Running on early downs can simplify the play-selection process by making every choice a good choice. Frank Gore is your friend. (Tyler Varga is your special teamer.)

• Instead of trying to use all of your weapons, use your best weapons in innovative ways.

• We're not sure how guard Lance Louis is still in the NFL, but he's definitely one choice you may want to reconsider.

It's pretty simple. Luck doesn't have to throw two touchdowns to each of seven receivers to be successful. Simplify the choices, learn to do more with less and be happy.

The Colts defense? That's a whole 'nother psychological phenomenon.

Prediction: Colts 27, Jets 24