A Hater's Guide to NFL Week 11: Why Your Team Is Bound To Lose
Haters gonna hate, and in NFL Week 11, I got plenty of hate to go around.
In fact, this week, I've already been called a hater. You see, each week, I put teams on upset alert. This isn't picking them to lose, it's simply saying that (as a favorite) they need to watch out because they've got a target on their back.
Apparently, for even suggesting that there is a possibility that the Denver Broncos (a 6-3 team) could lose a divisional game, I have gained a long history of hatred and personal vendetta against the Broncos.
Never mind the fact that my first NFL jersey was a Broncos jersey. Never mind the fact that John Elway's picture hung on my bedroom wall growing up. Just forget all of the long hours spent honing my Playstation football skills and rushing for a billion yard with Terrell Davis.
Nah, I must hate them. Literal hate. If there's some watch list, the Colorado State Police need to put me on it, because I'm angry they exist.
You know what though? It's nothing new, because I hate every team. I certainly hate your team, whoever they are, and I certainly hate you, because you're a punk (or a nerd, or a loser, or whatever...I don't care).
So why is your terrible team going to lose in Week 11? Spoiler alert: It's because they have horrible fans like you.
Arizona Cardinals vs. Atlanta Falcons
John Skelton's plan to spike the ball on every play goes awry when he accidentally spikes the ball off of his own foot and it careens up into the air, where the Falcons defense grabs it and returns it for a touchdown.
In the process, they run over Skelton, back up and run over him again, forcing Ryan Lindley into the game. Realizing that Lindley is so talented he's sitting on the bench behind Skelton and Kevin Kolb, the Cardinals throw in the towel—it too is promptly intercepted and returned for a touchdown.
Before the game, Matt Ryan is nowhere to be seen, and Atlanta police launch a full-scale investigation before he is finally found tucked away in a cleaning closet with a TiVo of last week's game against the Saints and a half-empty bottle of Sunny D. Clearly in no shape to play a football game, the Falcons insert Luke McCown.
During the loss, Ryan spends most of his time nursing the rest of his Sunny D and muttering about the way Roddy White looks at him.
Cleveland Browns vs. Dallas Cowboys
After carrying the ball 214 times in the first half, Trent Richardson's knees hold out the rest of the game for a new contract. Somehow, without knees, Richardson is able to run for another 100 yards in the third quarter before someone reminds Brad Childress that the forward pass is a thing.
Everything goes downhill from there, as Brandon Weeden and Tony Romo trade interceptions like Pokemon cards.
Before the game, Jerry Jones holds a press conference reminding everyone—both fans and media—that winning is the goal of the Cowboys and that the current situation is both untenable and unacceptable. To fix the problem, Jones gives votes of confidence all around and sets a stack of money on fire.
Sadly, it does not work, as Jason Garrett finds a way to call all six timeouts and challenge 10 plays on the first drive.
Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions
Green Bay Packers
As the Packers leave the cheese-filled utopia that is Wisconsin, coaches forget to tell them that they were headed to the desolate wasteland that is Detroit. As the Packers deplane, they become convinced that the zombie apocalypse is already upon us, and Aaron Rodgers leads them throughout the streets looting, pillaging and setting fires to random buildings.
Sure, the Packers lose the game, but the city beautification medal is really nice.
Even though there are Post-It notes everywhere, people still forget to tell Matt Stafford that his receivers aren't eight-feet tall. So, he continues chucking the ball where no body can reach it while everybody blames the coaching and raves about his arm talent.
Even worse, no one tells the Lions the fourth quarter started. They fail to mount even the smallest of comebacks, losing 72-0.
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Fresh off of their spanking of the New York Giants, the Bengals get really cocky. Apparently, planning a parade takes a lot of time, so creating a game plan goes by the wayside.
It ends up not mattering as, let's face it, it's the Chiefs. The Bengals go too far, however, when Andy Dalton decides to start throwing passes granny-style.
Kansas City Chiefs
Still taking his cues from Bill Belichick, Scott Pioli decides to sit every player that has a contract negotiation just to make a point. Twelve minutes into the game, realizing that Romeo Crennel doing the Truffle Shuffle isn't part of the pregame routine and is actually the only play the Chiefs plan on running, most of the fans end up going home.
The ones that stay...creepy.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington Redskins
Andy Reid's play-calling sheet is replaced with a Denny's menu and, as it turns out, the Eagles offense runs better when he's violently shouting, "MOONS OVER MY HAMMY."
It looks like the Eagles might actually win, but things take a sad turn when Reid's bloodlust for breakfast sandwiches takes over and he tramples through most of the stadium. LeSean McCoy attempts to get help, but no one in charge seems to have any idea who he is
Also, Nick Foles is terrible.
Oh, you're still there? Sorry, I was practicing my mantra that reminds me the offense is eventually going to take the field after the Redskins defense gets quickly scored upon as if they weren't even there.
I mean, it's totally fine to have a very exciting, dynamic quarterback but a crappy defense right? The Panthers got really good, didn't they? DIDN'T THEY?!?!?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Carolina Panthers
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Doug Martin, creeped out that no one seems to want to tackle him as he runs right up the middle of the Panthers defense, decides to start running into defenders just to get his (and I quote) "broken tackle groove on." While walking away from the carnage he has created, he overhears someone call him "Muscle Hamster" and proceeds to have the biggest hissy-fit this side of a Tampa socialite that thinks she has diplomatic immunity.
Greg Schiano is forced to forfeit the game when Martin threatens to hold his breath until he totally passes out and dies.
In an effort to change his sullen image, Cam Newton makes absolutely sure to put on a smile before running out onto the field. ESPN cancels the rest of its programming for the day and joins forces with Fox for a 10-hour special on Newton's cockiness. Body language experts are brought in to measure the amount of teeth seen in his smile and what that means for his passing completion later in the day.
Sadly, the game is never actually played, as no one can find a way to remove the ranting Skip Bayless from the 50-yard line.
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Houston Texans
Because they're the Jaguars. Period. But hey, bright side: no empty stadium jokes this week!
Convinced that this is a trap game, Gary Kubiak runs his team ragged through a week of practices, two-a-days and near-constant conditioning drills. Completely spent for the actual game, Houston still wins by 30 because they're the Jaguars.
New York Jets vs. St. Louis Rams
New York Jets
(Shown: Mark Sanchez at his absolute best.)
Regrettably, the Jets will have to throw a forward pass at some point, and that means Sanchez is going to have to, you know, do more than look pretty and deflect Tebow-related criticism. He's really not good at anything else.
No, really...he's not good. I feel like we've been over this before; why won't you people believe me?
St. Louis Rams
After last week, Sam Bradford gets really confused at all of the talk of the first NFL tie in years and thinks it's an actual positive accomplishment. He then proceeds to spend the entire fourth quarter trying to let the Jets catch up before eventually just offering to play quarterback for them.
With an actual QB under center, the Jets score 30 points in the final minutes, crushing the Rams. Woody Johnson later declares that Mark Sanchez is still the Jets' starting quarterback.
New Orleans Saints vs. Oakland Raiders
New Orleans Saints
Pregame festivities are marred when visiting Saints fans and Oakland fans get into a pissing match over who the NFL hates more. For some reason, something like 40 Pittsburgh Steelers fans are there too (the team travels REALLY well), and no one is able to get anything done while the three groups argue about who is out to get whom the most.
Because, honestly, the league truly hates teams even though the league is made up of those teams and the owners are Roger Goodell's boss, but he totally has vendettas, and you're not just a whiny little girl. Totally.
Raiders fans hold a parade for Carson Palmer before the game to triumph his status as the best Raiders QB in their lifetimes. Like a victorious war hero, Palmer is showered with rose petals and has laurel wreaths hung around his neck as the beautiful women of Oakland line up just for the opportunity to swoon over him (not a euphemism).
Palmer responds by throwing three interceptions, and a follow-up parade is promptly planned for the following week.
San Diego Chargers vs. Denver Broncos
San Diego Chargers
Eventually, the Chargers are moved to L.A., where no one comes to watch them, because it's L.A. and teams go there to die. One day, we all die, because everyone dies. This went dark all of a sudden, I apologize. #FireNorv.
Nope, can't do it. If you read the intro slide (crazy idea, right?) you would know that there is no chance in the world, no possibility or probability that the Broncos could potentially lose. Nate Silver himself could not magically concoct any formula by which the Broncos ever, ever, EVER lose. They are truly unbeatable, as Peyton Manning is a demigod and Tim Tebow laid his hands upon the rest of the team last year, so no harm can befall them.
Forget the fact that they've already lost this season. That's just a myth designed by the haters so that Broncos fans (always unbiased) will lose faith.
Indianapolis Colts vs. New England Patriots
Sick of his poor protection, Andrew Luck inserts himself as the team's entire starting offensive line. So, he proceeds to snap the ball to himself and then just stiff arms the pass-rushers as he completes almost 70 percent of his passes.
He forgets, however, to also pencil himself in as safety, and the Patriots win 50-45.
New England Patriots
As the team runs out of the tunnel, no one takes any notice as a lone trash can is carried out by a large-nosed man in a blue coat. The trash can is silently placed on the sideline. Before kickoff, the lid lifts off, and Bill Belichick sticks his head out to yell at his team. He is wearing rags, literal rags, and smells of botulism. He is hailed as a coaching genius by both Sports Illustrated and Hobo Weekly.
The Patriots still lose, though, when Luck manages to teach Belichick the power of positivity, and then everyone sings a delightful song while Vick Ballard, confused as all get-out, walks into the end zone.
Baltimore Ravens vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
The Ravens aren't able to actually fathom a team that has more injury issues than them and believe they are being punked. Just in case, the Ravens self-inflict a bunch of wounds before the game in solidarity with Joe Flacco, who often shoots himself in the foot.
Frantically trying to find someone with a faster release and shorter throwing motion than Byron Leftwich, the Steelers spent most of the week trying to trade for Tim Tebow. The Jets are actually down with the plan, but all of their calls to the league office are rebuffed as the trade deadline has long passed.
In a last-minute solution, the Steelers just move the statue of Art Rooney from outside Heinz Field onto the field itself.
Chicago Bears vs. San Francisco 49ers
Jay Cutler, with extra time this week following last week's injury, ends up increasing his cigarette total from seven to eight packs a day. Although he is cleared to play, he spends most of the game itching and shaking from withdrawal. The upside, however, is that the inch-thick layer of nicotine around his skull protects him from any further injury.
San Francisco 49ers
Alex Smith is unable to sleep after seeing tape of the Chicago Bears defense, and things start to get a little freaky when a friend acquires some "medicine" from one of the corner dispensaries in San Francisco. Smith shows up to the stadium in a size-4T Steve Young jersey and a pair of purple jeggings.
The team decides to go with it but quickly benches Smith when the Bears run onto the field and he won't stop shrieking.
Michael Schottey is the NFL National Lead Writer for Bleacher Report and an award-winning member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff alongside other great writers at "The Go Route."