A Hater's Guide to NFL Week 8: Why Your Team Is Bound to Lose
It's halfway through the season, and your favorite NFL team is horrible.
Yes, I'm talking to you. All of you. Your team is horrible, and you're a terrible fan for thinking anything different. You're also a terrible person, but I have neither the time nor the psychiatric expertise to do anything about that.
This is the Hater's Guide. If you're new around here, this is where I tell you why your team will lose this week. I also tell fans of every other team why they will lose this week. Heck, if I could, I would figure out a way for the teams on bye to lose this week as well.
Feel free to take this seriously and comment below on how wrong I am about your team. Then, be prepared to be relentlessly mocked for having no idea what irony is. Also, be prepared to be relentlessly mocked for how ugly your mother and/or sister is.
On to the picks! *Spoiler alert...everyone is losing.*
Carolina Panthers vs. Chicago Bears
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Following three-and-outs on their respective first drives of the game, Cam Newton and Jay Cutler just decide their teammates aren't going to try and leave the stadium together. Derek Anderson enters the game and promptly throws 23 interceptions, most of which are returned for touchdowns by the Bears defense.
Due to recent trends, the Bears offense just decided not to show up for the game. While, yes, they haven't really been needed, the plan falls through when no one really knows what to do after Carolina kicks off to start the game.
San Diego Chargers vs. Cleveland Browns
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San Diego Chargers
OK, what are the chances I don't make a "Philip Rivers peed himself" joke about that picture? Like, two percent? So, either Rivers took one look at who was lining up at tackle to protect him and got scared, or he was hit so hard he lost bladder control. Take your pick.
On a related note: How terrible would "Rivers" be as a last name for a child with bladder control issues? Horrible...
The team shows up at the facility for its Saturday morning walk-through and finds everything ransacked. It seems that the Mike Holmgren firing had a domino effect on morale, and Friday afternoon looting left everything looking like downtown Detroit.
Who steals a tackling dummy?
Seattle Seahawks vs. Detroit Lions
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The Seahawks get a stop on 1st-and-10 to start the game but spend second and third down tweeting about it and taking hipster-style Instagram photos of water bottles. So, the Lions score easily to make it 7-0. The rest of the game is canceled when Ndamukong Suh gets Russell Wilson stuck on the bottom of his cleats.
Dominic Raiola gets revenge on the Seahawks for their social media stylings on the first play of the game with a really hard block (at least for Raiola) on the edge. Sadly, like most Raiola blocks, it wasn't the right person, and Matthew Stafford is still sacked.
Offensive coordinator Scott Linehan then dials up his favorite play, "fire the ball 10 feet over your receiver's head," which Stafford executes to perfection.
New England Patriots vs. St. Louis Rams
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New England Patriots
Patriot Pat runs out of the tunnel at Wembley Stadium, and things go horribly wrong. Centuries of pent-up animosity and hours of pregame drinking cause the British crowd to start throwing things onto the field. Pat goes wild and leaps into the crowd with Rob Gronkowski to deliver a dose of good old American butt-whupping.
St. Louis Rams
Sam Bradford is stopped at customs when no one in the entire airport believes he's old enough to be traveling by himself. Even his teammates are quoted as saying, "we thought this was an elaborate Make-A-Wish project" and "no, that's not my bag of weed."
Miami Dolphins vs. New York Jets
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Like usual, the team does all of its pregame advance scouting on ESPN and game-plans for Tim Tebow, whom it assumes is the only person on the team. The Dolphins are shocked, however, when Mark Sanchez lines up under center and actually throws a forward pass. Halftime adjustments work, but it is too late, and the Jets win 3-0.
New York Jets
A group of Miami fans in open-toed shoes catches Rex Ryan's eye before the game, forcing Tony Sparano to coach against his former team. Sadly, one of the darts he's throwing at his play chart goes awry and lands in Antonio Cromartie's eye. "MAN, I HAVE 27 KIDS TO FEED!"
Atlanta Falcons vs. Philadelphia Eagles
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Due to recent sensitivity training, the Falcons make the fatal error of picking the ball up every time Michael Vick fumbles and handing it back to him. John Abraham even repeatedly offers tips on how to grip the ball to avoid the problem in the future.
With Mike Holmgren on the way out in Cleveland, Andy Reid spends the week being tracked by poachers as the last, elusive Great American NFL Walrus. He is unable to game-plan, which actually has the Eagles winning until his halftime adjustments. Fifty straight passes later, the Eagles lose by 20.
Washington Redskins vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
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During the pregame coin toss, Robert Griffin III sees Troy Polamalu and James Harrison, and his brain immediately concusses itself. Griffin continues to play and finishes with a goal, two assists, 12 rebounds and hits into a double play to end the game.
The lack of Redskins pass rush confuses Ben Roethlisberger, who is actually unable to complete passes without running around for at least 20 full seconds beforehand. With Big Ben off his game, the Steelers turn to their awesome rushing attack...*chuckle* Sorry, I couldn't get that one out with a straight face.
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Green Bay Packers
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K, Jaguars fans, we're all on board with you guys losing by at least 20 this week, right? I don't need to tell any jokes? OK. Thanks guys. See ya next week...well, at least a few of you.
Green Bay Packers
Most of the Packers fail to even show up, literally, to this game, as pregame reports convince most of them they've already won. The rest are so gone on Milwaukee's Best and wheel-shaped cheeses that the Jaguars are able to jump out to an early lead.
Having to pass to get back into the game, Aaron Rodgers is sacked by Jeremy Mincey and refuses to get back up, screaming, "You can't see me, I'm invisible!"
Indianapolis Colts vs. Tennessee Titans
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In the morning before the game, Colts security is finally able to locate the naked pictures of whomever Bruce Arians is blackmailing to continue collecting paychecks as an "offensive guru." Andrew Luck calls his own plays throughout most of the game, but Colts receivers can't seem to remember any plays other than, "I'm going to put this right into your hands, and you are going to drop it."
Jake Locker "earns" the start against the Colts and impresses with his arm strength (balls landing in the stands), touch (passes landing gently in defensive backs' hands) and mobility (manages to run directly into the pressure, without fail).
The Titans decide to put Matt Hasselbeck in at halftime but realize that no one picked him up at home before the game.
Oakland Raiders vs. Kansas City Chiefs
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Frantic after learning the Raiders actually have a first-round pick in the upcoming draft, ownership demands that it be traded (along with multiple future picks) to pick up that Quinn kid they've heard so much about from Notre Dame.
Reggie McKenzie tries to convince Mark Davis that he just knows the name "Quinn" because that's who they're playing against this week, but Davis inexplicably adds more picks to sweeten the deal.
Kansas City Chiefs
New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys
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New York Giants
Up by three scores, Tom Coughlin is really enjoying a cup of green jello on the sideline when he looks over and realizes Jason Garrett reminds him of one of his great-grandchildren. Taking the flannel blanket off his legs, Coughlin throws the rest of the game and sends Garrett a card with a two-dollar bill in it to congratulate him.
Tony Romo starts the game with a perfectly placed pass over the top of the Giants defense, which Dez Bryant (miraculously) catches. Sadly, Bryant is tracked down from behind and fumbles, which leads the crowd to start chanting "Orton" over and over.
New Orleans Saints vs. Denver Broncos
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New Orleans Saints
Jonathan Vilma is seen congratulating one of his teammates after a good play, and Roger Goodell comes out of nowhere to suspend the entire defense. Somehow, Peyton Manning still manages to throw an interception every time he attempts to pass over 10 yards, but the Saints lose anyway.
Jack Del Rio and John Fox spend extra time putting together a defensive game plan this week and are successful in holding Drew Brees and the Saints to under 60 points. They spend most of the afternoon celebrating their new-found defensive genius as the Saints celebrate their victory.
San Francisco 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals
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San Francisco 49ers
The Niners sign Pablo Sandoval before the game, trying to capitalize on his massive...uh, popularity in the Bay Area right now. Randy Moss, pissed someone is being talked about more than he is, fumbles the only two times he touches the ball, and Patrick Peterson returns them for touchdowns.
John Skelton still the quarterback? Yeah, that's as good of a reason as any. Remember when you guys were four-and-oh...no, that wasn't a question. I was telling you to remember it so you don't get all depressed and do something drastic.
Cheer up, the draft is right around the corner, so you guys can pick anything other than an offensive lineman or a quarterback!
Michael Schottey is the NFL national lead writer for Bleacher Report and an award-winning member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff alongside other great writers at "The Go Route."