Can't Wait for the 2016 NFL Season? You Don't Have To—Here's What Will Happen

Are you sunburned from the holiday weekend? Deafened by the fireworks? Perhaps a little food-poisoned by your brother-in-law's trademarked Extra Rare Backyard Pinkburgers?

If so, it's time to ease slowly back into thinking about the NFL.

The league's usual 24/7 news cycle slows to more of a Tuesday-Thursday, 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. schedule this time of year, but training camp and your fantasy draft are just a few weeks away. Look away from the NFL to watch tennis, soccer, the All-Star Game or your children grow up at your own peril.

Bleacher Report has just what you need to get back in the NFL state of mind: a primer for everything you'll experience during the 2016 season. It's the football equivalent of that back-to-school circular that arrived on your doorstep this morning: Autumn is on its way, so mark your calendar for these key dates!

Saturday, Aug. 27: Hours before the Jets-Giants preseason game, the Jets' quarterback situation is thrown into turmoil when Bryce Petty injures his throwing hand by punching Christian Hackenberg for calling a fake punt in Madden 17. Petty claims the play was not fair because he still has not found the audible button. A desperate last-minute call to Ryan Fitzpatrick goes to voicemail while the quarterback shops for beard oil at an Austin flea market. The entire incident is blamed on Geno Smith.

Sunday, Aug. 28: The Vikings host the Chargers in the first game at sparkly new U.S. Bank Stadium. Adrian Peterson complains during warm-ups that the turf is "a little too springy." Minnesota state legislature immediately approves a $223 million bond referendum for less springy turf.

Wednesday, Sept. 7: The Supreme Court upholds the decision to overturn an appeal of the summary judgment to delay the reversal of the reinstatement of the vacation of the Deflategate suspension. "Does that mean I'm suspended?" Tom Brady asks.

Thursday, Sept. 8: Season opener. Broncos defeat Panthers 16-10. Von Miller, playing under the franchise tag, records 3.5 sacks and throws a touchdown pass to Emmanuel Sanders on a trick play. John Elway increases Miller's contract offer to include discount oil changes and an Amazon Prime membership.

Friday, Sept. 9, 7:45 p.m.: Cam Newton finally shows up for the Broncos-Panthers postgame press conference.

Tuesday, Sept. 13, 1:30 a.m.: Week 1 finally ends when Aaron Donald sacks Blaine Gabbert for a safety and a 5-3 Rams victory over the 49ers. You toss and turn yourself to sleep wondering why everyone gripes about the Pro Bowl but gives this awful annual Monday doubleheader a pass.

George Gojkovich/Getty Images

Sunday, Sept. 18: Bengals at Steelers. Special guest referees include John Cena, Ronda Rousey, Henry Kissinger, SEAL Team Six and the U.N. Security Council. It's a 1 p.m. kickoff early in the season, so the Bengals win and feel really good about themselves.

Thursday, Sept. 22: Jimmy Garoppolo leads the Patriots to victory against the Texans. Bill O'Brien tries to offer Bill Belichick a pair of second-round picks for Garoppolo during the postgame handshake but is tackled by Texans owner Bob McNair.

Sunday, Sept. 25: Odell Beckham Jr. vs. Josh Norman I. The "Norman is overrated" tweets are scheduled for 1:25 p.m., when Beckham catches a six-yard slant. The "Well, actually, Norman was playing thumbs coverage in Cover 7 on that catch" tweets (by people who learned about strategy by calling audibles in Madden) are scheduled for 1:26. Your migraine is scheduled for 1:27. Beckham finishes the game with one catch for six yards.

Sunday, Oct. 2: The Colts face the Jaguars in London. According to the new exchange rates, Andrew Luck's salary for the game converts to 6 million farthings, 300,000 florins, 60 thruppence and a stag from Ye Royale Game Lands. In fairness, it would have been no less confusing before Brexit. Also, Allen Hurns is elected prime minister.

Sunday, Oct. 9: Tom Brady returns to the field to lead a 56-8 rout of the Browns. Citizens across America find themselves more energetic and optimistic, as if suddenly waking from a two-year shame spiral. But really, this is just one more damn thing that happens to the Browns.

Sunday, Oct. 16: J.J. Watt celebrates his second sack of Andrew Luck by flashing the money sign, ripping up an imaginary $140 million contract, and bringing a Fisher Price cash register onto the field and using a selfie stick to film himself cha-chinging it. The Texans' victory raises their record to 2-4. Talk radio spends Monday criticizing Cam Newton for smiling too broadly after beating the Saints.

Sunday, Oct. 30: The Broncos move to 6-2 with a 16-10 win over the Chargers. Mark Sanchez overtakes Von Miller for the team lead in touchdown passes.

Tuesday, Nov. 8 (Election Day): Bad news: Our next president made a shocking last-minute campaign promise to reopen Deflategate.

Monday, Nov. 14 : The 7-3 Broncos have won and lost every game by a 16-10 score, so they devise a new way to kick-start Paxton Lynch's development: a copy of Andrew Luck's contract dangling from a fishing pole in front of a treadmill. The fact that John Elway will only handle the contract while wearing oven mitts is considered a discouraging sign.

Thursday, Nov. 24: Thanksgiving. Adrian Peterson rushes 20 times for 74 yards in a Vikings loss to the Lions and complains about the play-calling. Ezekiel Elliott carries the ball 20 times for 74 yards in a loss to Washington; Jerry Jones complains about the play-calling. Colts running backs carry the ball 10 times for seven yards in a loss to the Steelers, but Andrew Luck doesn't dare complain about the play-calling. Calvin Johnson enjoys turkey with family and friends and wonders why the heck he didn't think of this retirement thing sooner.

Sunday, Dec. 4: Newton-Wilson VII. Yep, roman numerals. They are even prominently displayed on the NFL.com official schedule! Whose bright idea was it to give Newton-Wilson the Brady-Manning treatment? Oh wait…it was me. I'm sure the royalty check is in the mail.

Sunday, Dec. 11: The Packers lose to the Seahawks to fall behind in the home-field-advantage chase. Choose your own postgame storyline adventure: Is Aaron Rodgers' 21-of-28, two-touchdown game against the Legion of Boom a sign of a slump? Should Clay Matthews move to [insert position here]? Or, Is Eddie Lacy too skinny?

Sunday, Dec. 18: Steelers at Bengals. Steel cage around the field provided by Queen City Electrified Fencing and Razor Wire Incorporated. Late kickoff, late in the season, big playoff implications. Steelers win. This isn't neurosurgery, folks.

David Zalubowski/Associated Press

Sunday, Dec. 18: Broncos at Patriots. Paxton Lynch hears the Foxborough crowd and melts into a puddle of tears. Mark Sanchez accidentally crams a football into his helmet's ear hole. Broncos fans who have tried to make Tebow Time happen again with the "Clever Trevor Endeavor" fall into despair when Trevor Siemian throws three interceptions to Charles Tillman, whom the Patriots signed when no one was paying attention. Patriots win 16-10. John Elway tries to offer Bill Belichick two second-round picks for Jimmy Garoppolo but gets tackled by Bill O'Brien. Peyton Manning enjoys turkey with family and friends and wonders why the heck he didn't think of this retirement thing sooner.

Saturday, Dec. 24: The Rams beat the 49ers to raise their record to 7-8. Jeff Fisher is given the keys to the city of Los Angeles. Chip Kelly and Trent Baalke are now giving separate, simultaneous and contradictory press conferences.

Sunday, Jan. 1: The Cowboys, Eagles, Giants and Redskins all finish with 7-9 records. The NFC East is decided by the rare and unprecedented "119th tiebreaker": most six-yard slants completed against divisional opponents. See that: Josh Norman really is overrated!

Friday, Jan. 6: James Harrison sneers at his captors from inside an indestructible holding cell before a Steelers-Bengals game. "If he's our 'prisoner,' how come he looks like the only person who wants to be here?" a panicked Andy Dalton asks Marvin Lewis.

Saturday, Jan. 8: The Chiefs lose a playoff game when their two-minute drill actually stops the earth from rotating on its axis.

Tuesday, Jan. 10: A humiliating Bengals playoff loss brings the traditional results: Marvin Lewis remains the team's head coach, and both coordinators become head coaches for other teams. That unsettling sound heard throughout New England is Bill Belichick's laughter.

Sunday, Jan. 22: Newton-Wilson VIII in the NFC Championship Game. Wilson throws a touchdown pass to Doug Baldwin with the entire Panthers defensive line draped on him. Newton's comeback bid fails when he makes the mistake of throwing a 60-yard Hail Mary directly into Ted Ginn Jr.'s hands. Newton arrives for the postgame press conference in April. Marshawn Lynch celebrates his former team's return to the Super Bowl with a NSFW review of the 2017 Porsche Cayenne on YouTube (to be expected of a luxury car review).

Saturday, Feb. 4: The NFL hands out its awards. Brady wins MVP, Antonio Brown is Offensive Player of the Year, Watt gets Defensive Player of the Year and Ezekiel Elliott takes Rookie of the Year. Comeback Player of the Year goes to Chad Pennington, which tells you all you need to know about how the Jets' quarterback situation worked out.

David Goldman/Associated Press

Sunday, Feb. 5: Super Bowl LI. The Patriots take a 21-17 lead with two minutes left. The Seahawks drive down to the 1-yard line, where Russell Wilson is sacked because emergency left tackle Jimmy Graham (replacing the left tackle who started for the team throughout the playoffs: Drake) whiffs on a block of Dwight Freeney, whom the Patriots signed when no one was paying attention. Marshawn Lynch eats turkey while road-testing a Jaguar F-Pace and wonders why he didn't think of this freaking retirement thing sooner.

Monday, Feb. 6: Investigators discover that Rob Gronkowski's Super Bowl cleats were 0.05 of an inch longer than regulation. Attempts to reach Gronk after the game prove unsuccessful when his cellphone is found in the mud wrestling pool of a Houston gentleman's club.

Will CleatGate cast doubt on the Patriots legacy? Will Gronk make jokes about his extra-long cleats? Will Cardinals fans complain in the comment thread about their team not getting mentioned in this article? Those questions, and many others, are far too stressful for you to worry about in early July.

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report. Follow him on Twitter at @MikeTanier.