Tuesday Morning Hangover: The Best and Worst Teams to Watch in Preseason

Film critic Gene Siskel had a rule of thumb about movie quality that came to be called the Siskel Test: "Is this film more interesting than a documentary of the same actors having lunch?" If not, the film flunks the test.

Many preseason games flunk the Siskel Test.

Take Friday night's Seahawks-Chiefs game. The Chiefs are a competitive but dull team with few preseason storylines. The Seahawks are a great, intriguing team, but with minimal game-planning and no Marshawn Lynch, their offense consists of Russell Wilson running for his life behind a line that should be called Russell Okung and the Imposters. Wilson and Jamaal Charles eating lunch would have been more interesting to watch than the game, which ended in a 14-13 Chiefs fugue.

Or take Patriots-Saints on Saturday. The folks who turned NFL Game Pass from an indispensable tool to a maddening ordeal put the Siskel Test to the test this weekend by incorrectly cutting the condensed versions of many games.

Log on for a crisp 40-minute cutup of this one, and you discover the plays were edited out, leaving a montage of huddling, milling around and hometown broadcast commentary that faded to the next scene a split second after the snap. Ever hear David Lee Roth's vocal tracks with the rest of Van Halen edited out? The Game Pass versions of Patriots-Saints and other contests are like that.

Some preseason games are more fun to watch than others; some are downright entertaining. The roster of watchable teams changes every year. A team with a quarterback controversy, a rookie running back who needs a lot of work or a scrambling third-stringer is likely to pass the Siskel Test. An established powerhouse is more likely to bore you into watching baseball.

With that in mind, here's the Hangover's list of the best and worst teams to watch this preseason. Use it to negotiate the next two weeks without going insane, and hope that NFL Game Pass doesn't decide to provide cutups of nothing but penalties and booth reviews:

The Best Teams to Watch in the Preseason

5. The Buccaneers: The ultimate split-screen experience! Watch Jameis Winston on the big screen while your favorite media personalities use every pass, snap and facial expression to support their predetermined Winston opinions on Twitter on the small screen!

Winston and the Buccaneers took fans through the Five Preseason Emotions in just over one quarter Monday night: 1) Cautious Optimism: Winston is delivering short passes, firing strikes up the seam, running for touchdowns and making better decisions than he did last week! 2) Giddy Delusion: Doug Martin cannot be stopped! The defense is terrorizing the Bengals! WORST TO FIRST. 3) Fear: Winston is limping after a nasty hit. 4) Rage: Lovie Smith is keeping a limping Winston in the game? Has he spent the whole weekend under a rock? 5) Acceptance, or whatever strange emotion prompts a human being to say these words: "Oh, thank heavens, Mike Glennon is in the game!

4. The Cardinals: The Cardinals are only watchable when their home announcers are making the call. Color commentator Ron Wolfley sounds so much like Jesse Ventura that you expect him to call play-by-play guy Dave Pasch "Mean" Gene Okerlund. Otherwise, the Cardinals just cycle unprepared third-string quarterbacks into the game, making the preseason Cardinals almost identical to the postseason Cardinals.

3. The Titans: Marcus Mariota brings novelty, as do Dorial Green-Beckham, David Cobb and other skill-position players who see plenty of preseason action. The Titans have a lot of exciting young players this year, and all of them need their preseason work.

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Zach Mettenberger (7-of-9 for 91 yards Sunday night, with a touchdown and a fastball on sideline routes to drool over) provides plenty of added value as this preseason's designated trade bait. After each completion, Mettenberger's imaginary trade value goes up. By next week, there will be a rumor the Jets are offering two first-round picks and four free tosses at the Geno Smith dunk tank for him.

2. The Redskins: It's compelling to watch a team start with the juiciest, most controversial narrative any sportswriter could dream of, then build their game plan to accommodate it.

1. The Eagles: The only team that executes its real offense in the preseason; the no-huddle sharply reduces the amount of milling around that makes preseason games so unwatchable. In the fourth quarter, we all experience the same feelings. This Tim Tebow story is stupid! Who cares about Tim Tebow?! (Pause). I think I will sit here and watch Tim Tebow.

The Worst Teams to Watch in the Preseason

5. The Jets: You know that Hillbilly Teenage Mom of Octuplets reality show you used to guilty-pleasure hate-watch because you loved making fun of the characters? Then you discovered the kids were all being fed Endangered Species McNuggets and the adults had sex lives that would make Caligula squeamish?

The Jets are like that in the preseason. Sure, it's fun to gawk at their quarterbacks and giggle at their "exciting comeback" after the Falcons sent all of their starters to Steak 'n Shake. It's entertaining, but it leaves you feeling like you need a few hours in a decontamination chamber.

4. The Packers: Green Bay has the most boring bench in the world, full of undrafted rookies Ted Thompson found via temp agencies. The starters played just long enough Sunday afternoon for Jordy Nelson to tear an ACL and Aaron Rodgers to take a safety in the end zone that luckily didn't result in a torn ACL.

"

The initial diagnosis on #Packers WR Jordy Nelson is a torn ACL, source said. Horrible news. Awaiting MRI results to confirm.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) August 23, 2015"

Hardcore fantasy gamers will watch the next two weeks to scout whether Davante Adams or Jeff Janis is Nelson's replacement. The rest of us will just hold our breath that nothing else terrible happens.

3. The Patriots: Let's spend three-and-a-half hours trying not to talk about Deflategate! The Jimmy Garoppolo intrigue makes the Patriots more entertaining (with the sound off) than in a typical preseason. Still, you know Bill Belichick would drop a curtain over the field if he could.

2. The Chargers: Late-night East Coast starts mean the Chargers kick off after you have already been lulled to sleep by some other team's fourth string. The Chargers also employ the NFL's least interesting backup quarterbacks: Kellen Clemens, Charlie Whitehurst for several years before Clemens and third-stringer Brad Sorensen, who has been around so long that he backed up John Hadl.

Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

1. The Chiefs: The Chiefs are a chore to watch in the regular season, thanks to an offense that strives to perfect the 20-play, 80-yard drive on which each play gains exactly 4.0 yards. The Chiefs insist on giving Charles carries behind their stapled-together offensive line in the preseason, which means you spend every handoff worrying about one of the NFL's most exciting players getting injured. Offensive coordinator Doug Pederson's inventive play-calling makes matters worse.

First Down: Screen to Charles.

Second Down: Screen to Knile Davis.

Third Down: Let's fool them with the screen to Charles.

For variety, Pederson calls a reverse to Jeremy Maclin into the teeth of the Seahawks defense, reminding Chiefs fans they now have a second interesting playmaker to worry themselves silly about.

Stock Watch

A look at this weekend's risers, fallers and in-betweeners:

Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Jimmy Garoppolo, Rising: Garoppolo looked very good overall, completing 10 consecutive passes at one point in the Patriots' 26-24 win over the Saints—though after that streak, he did throw an interception on his next official attempt (he missed a two-point conversion pass in between), slowing the evolution of the Obnoxious Patriots Fan's Unholy Trinity:

Tom Brady is completely innocent of everything, including original sin.

Brady's suspension will be replaced by a public apology and a little self-flagellation from Roger Goodell.

And...

Garoppolo is so awesome that the Patriots would go undefeated without Brady anyway.

Atlanta Falcons, Rising: Matt Ryan and the offense are in midseason form, the defense is coming off that we just faced the Jets euphoria and the special teams will be a boon with Matt Bosher (he crushed the ball Friday night) punting and Devin Hester returning. The early Falcons schedule is harsh (Eagles, at Giants, at Cowboys...did Daniel Snyder switch schedules at the owners' meeting when no one was looking?), but the Falcons look like a team that can hover around .500—which means they could win the NFC South.

Panthers Offense, Falling: With Kelvin Benjamin out for the year and Devin Funchess recovering from a hamstring injury, get ready for two tight ends and The Receiver Formerly Known as Philly Brown, even on obvious passing downs! It worked about as well as you would expect, with Cam Newton telegraphing an interception to Greg Olsen while the Panthers futilely handed off up the middle against the Dolphins on Saturday night.

Blake Bortles, Teddy Bridgewater and Derek Carr, Holding Steady: The Sophomore Quarterback Trio had its moments this weekend. Bridgewater distributed the ball well and connected with Charles Johnson (who will be the Vikings' leading receiver this year) for a 10-yard touchdown. Bridgewater also overthrew a few passes and coped with some drops. Mike Wallace let a pass over the middle sail through his hands, then kept tapping his chest, because we weren't 100 percent certain whose fault that was.

Carr found Amari Cooper up the sideline for a 40-yarder. The play was reviewed (Cooper may have stepped out), and the Vikings announcers yelped like they had just been whacked in the face with a shovel when the play was ruled a catch. When Carr gave way to Christian Ponder, a sudden thunderstorm descended on Minneapolis. There may be some bad juju there. If Josh Freeman had showed up, it would have rained toads.

Bortles spent Saturday night at the Meadowlands bouncing passes off his receivers' chests and hands.

Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Latavius Murray, Rising: Murray now has 10 carries for 55 yards and a touchdown in two preseason games. He looks impressive every time he touches the ball. Trent Richardson carried five times for five yards Saturday night, slightly below his career average. Get ready for a game-film freeze-frame of Richardson taking a handoff against the Great Painted Desert and running straight into a petrified tree.

Jay Gruden, Falling: Do you remember the story of King David and Uriah from Bible school? It goes like this:

King David, who got away with an awful lot by the standards of biblical heroes, saw a lovely lady named Bathsheba bathing, and possibly throwing some seven-on-seven completions to her handmaidens, on a roof near the palace. After a little yadda yadda yadda, Bathsheba is pregnant, which is a problem for David. She is married to his best general, Uriah, who is out winning some ancient battles.

After some hijinks you would swear came from a Seth Rogan movie and not the Books of Samuel, David devises a particularly squicky way to get out of his predicament. He sends Uriah back to the front lines, then orders his other generals to fall back when the battle gets nasty. Uriah dies. David acts shocked and upset, then sends for Bathsheba.

If you don't know what any of this has to do with Gruden, you didn't watch Robert Griffin III get beaten like a cuckolded Hittite on Thursday night—or read what a coach told Bleacher Report's Mike Freeman about the game ("I can't think of a single head coach in the NFL who would take an injury-prone quarterback, put him behind a very shaky offensive line in a preseason game, watch him take those kinds of hits and leave him in the game. It looks personal to me.").

There may not be a lady involved, but the only thing more alluring than a bathing beauty to the typical football fan is a backup quarterback.

King David later had a hard time selecting an heir from his many sons (most were trying to usurp him, or worse) but eventually made the right choice by choosing Solomon. There is no Solomon on the Redskins' quarterback depth chart.

Lions Defense, Rising: If the Redskins-Lions game taught us anything, besides the fact Gruden would send Griffin to the roof to fix the old television antenna in a thunderstorm, it's that the Lions defense will probably be OK without Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley. They pummeled the Redskins starters all night, and that was with Haloti Ngata snoozing on the bench.

Tyrod Taylor, Rising: Brace yourself for Tyrodmania.

Going for Two

Matt Rourke/Associated Press

Teams were 8-of-17 on two-point conversions this weekend, making them 14-of-30 overall (46.6 percent) throughout the preseason. A few notes:

• At least nine of this weekend's two-pointer attempts were obviously situational: a team attempting to tie a game, take or extend a lead or close a gap in the fourth quarter. That leaves just eight discretionary attempts league-wide—not exactly evidence that the new, longer extra point has coaches eager to gamble on Plan B.

• The Saints and Patriots combined for four two-point attempts, which sounds suspiciously like something Belichick and Sean Payton agreed upon over lunch at Sam Snead's.

• Not counted in the 17 attempts: The Ravens went for two but got called for a 15-yard chop block penalty. That forced Justin Tucker to convert a 48-yard extra point. Can't wait for a real game to be decided by one of those.

• Blair Walsh missed an extra point for the Vikings, Patrick Murray missed one for the Buccaneers, and there was a botched exchange in San Diego, so the total number of missed extra points this season stands at five.

First Impressions

We got our first good looks at some important veterans this weekend. Here's what we learned.

Sam Bradford and DeMarco Murray: Bradford played his first offensive series since last preseason, completed a few short passes, overthrew some deeper passes and took a pair of wicked hits, including one from Terrell Suggs that provoked the full gamut of opinions from "What a dirty play" to "That was 100 percent legal." The league later verified that, despite drawing a 15-yard penalty, Suggs' hit was legal. This is going to be a fun officiating year.

Murray played two series, rushed for 17 yards and a touchdown, caught a 14-yard pass and looked both quick and hard to bring down, erasing the doubts of Eagles fans who interpreted every one of Murray's mysterious training camp days off as proof the team was hiding a pair of broken legs. Of course, no appraisal of Murray's performance is finalized until a committee of his former backups and know-it-all ex-superstars explain to us how many yards he should have rushed for. 

Jeff Chiu/Associated Press

NaVorro Bowman: Bowman returned to action for the first time in 19 months after an ACL-MCL injury. He made two tackles, blew up a third play and got off the field after three snaps lest he step into one of the prairie dog holes in the Levi's Stadium turf and reinjure himself.

Cowboys Running Backs: Joseph Randle (seven carries, 30 yards) showed off his quickness on a few elusive runs. Darren McFadden (three carries, four yards) showed a knack for running straight toward NaVorro Bowman. Lance Dunbar (two catches, three yards) doesn't run well on loose dirt. At least everyone is healthy.

Frank Gore and Andre Johnson: Gore rushed two times for five yards each, looking like Frank Gore on both carries: following a blocker, finding a crease, running hard, then falling down after 15 feet. Johnson, who played a few snaps last week, caught an eight-yard swing pass and a two-point conversion. He's ready for his possession role.

The Rest of the Colts: The starting offense looked great (give or take an offensive lineman) and the defense good enough against the Bears, but then the Colts backups came in and looked ugly by even the standards of preseason backups in a 23-11 loss. Backup quarterback is a particular trouble spot. Matt Hasselbeck's passes now get driven backward by wind resistance after about 15 yards, and third-stringer Bryan Bennett (1-of-7 passing) is a fine athlete, solid citizen and future Ottawa Redblack.

Ndamukong Suh: Suh has played 31 preseason snaps in two games and recorded just one assist. It's silly to draw conclusions about established veterans based on a half's worth of snaps, but there's going to be a massive Suh backlash at some point this year, and it's a good career move for me to get in on the ground floor.

Last Call

Stop Talking About Fight Club: The end of training camp brings an end to the "too many training camp fights" and "joint practices cause too many fights" storylines, and not a moment too soon.

Training camp fights are the high school cafeteria fights of sports. Teachers spend hours introducing kids to the wonders of science and culture, the field hockey team beats an archrival and the guidance department eradicates drugs-bullying-sexting-sassback with a well-designed assembly, but once Joey shoves Dylan into the Fruitopia machine and a big circle forms, that's all anyone will talk about for two days.

In my teaching days, we solved cafeteria fights with some faculty full nelsons, a suspension or two, some parent phone calls and lots of vice principal screaming. But the fights now often end up on Instagram, where the juicier ones bring parents, lawyers, parents' lawyers, lawyer parents and sometimes the local slow-news-day television reporter to discuss What can be done about violence in the cafeteria? Similarly, training camp fights used to be cured by gassers, up-downs and coaches' threats. Now, Rams-Cowboys goes viral (who thought Rams-Anything would ever go viral?), we watch the same fight 50 times and think we just watched 50 fights.

If anyone has a way to stop 20-something-year-old men from losing their tempers while slamming into each other in 90-degree heat that does not involve invasive neurosurgery or mind-altering drugs, the human race is all ears. In the meantime, let's forget the "too many fights" narrative forever, or at least until exactly this time next year.

Carlos Osorio/Associated Press

Preseason Man Crush of the Week: This week's winner is Zach Zenner, an undrafted Lions rookie running back from South Dakota State. Zenner caught five passes for 59 yards and a touchdown out of the backfield Thursday night, adding four carries for 22 yards. There's a simple formula for determining preseason man crush potential, and Zenner rang all the bells:

• Weird, memorable name.

• Unusual college (or rugby background or some such thing).

• Late-round pick or undrafted rookie.

• Skill-position player. (It's hard to work up a crush on a right tackle.)

So who will join Zenner and Jarryd Hayne (who had another great game Sunday) on our man crush list next week? Here's an early bid for Trent Steelman, former Army quarterback-turned-undrafted Ravens receiver. Catch a few passes, and you'll make the grade, Trent. No one can resist a man in uniform!

Hi-Diddly-Ho, Neighborinos! Fast fact we learned from the Eagles-Ravens joint practices:

• As Sam Donnellon reported for the Philadelphia Daily News, Joe Flacco and Sam Bradford live around the corner from each other in Haddonfield, New Jersey. The two quarterbacks with a combined $16.95 million salary also live precisely 3.9 miles (and two tax brackets) up the county highway from me. This will have a significant impact on my children's trick-or-treating plans.

• Ravens-Eagles practices also represented a homecoming for John Harbaugh, a former longtime Eagles assistant who now realizes he is the only Harbaugh in the NFL and is trying to match his kid brother's nuttiness. Click this link and zoom to the four-minute mark to see and hear Harbaugh's tale of rats and feral cats running for their lives when Veterans Stadium imploded in 2004, complete with Harbaugh-provided explosion sound effects and rat-like facial expressions. (NOTE: THIS HARBAUGH SOUND BITE CONTAINS NO POLITICS AND IS CONSIDERED SAFE FOR ALL AUDIENCES.)

• Flacco stayed in the Ravens' hotel even though he was a 10-minute drive from his wife and three small children. Steve Smith, meanwhile, was angry to be separated from his wife on her birthday. Maybe Bradford should have rented his house out to the Smiths, who then could have barbecued with the Flaccos, and the whole Ravens-Eagles joint practice could have been held at Haddonfield Memorial High School so no one would have had to drive at all.

But with last week's heat, I'd rather be in West Virginia, eating lunch with Drew Brees and Tom Brady.

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.