Monday Morning Hangover: No Clarity for NFL Quarterback Controversies

It's still early. Guys are just getting their reps. Game-planning was minimal. Sample sizes are small. Many starters didn't even participate. Blah blah blah. Insert your favorite disclaimer here. Ho-hum. 

C'mon folks, we all know what we watched this weekend. It was preseason football! And we loved every third-stringer getting sacked for a safety, every former first-round quarterback mishandling back-to-back snaps, every manufactured moment of the four-minute Tebowmania relapse, every double penalty on a punt return, every local Homer Television Network broadcaster comparing a sixth-round pick to Mike Singletary after a routine tackle, and every OMG, Jacoby Ford is still sort of in the NFL moment.

We loved it all, except the injuries. And if we all overreact together, there will be strength in numbers.

So let's take exactly one grain of salt, then leap headfirst into the shallow kiddie pool of premature conclusions about this weekend's quarterback controversies, rookie debuts and everything else that crossed our minds as undrafted rookies from obscure colleges toppled into one another during endless fourth quarters.

Quarterback Conundrums

Preseason Week 2 (yes, the Hall of Fame Game officially counts as its own week) didn't provide much insight into the league's most compelling/critical/pathetic quarterback situations.

Patric Schneider/Associated Press

Houston Texans: Brian Hoyer played one series, threw four passes and had one batted back in his face. He also fired a strike to a wide-open Cecil Shorts over the middle, and Shorts outran the 49ers secondary for a 58-yard touchdown.

It was hard to make much of Hoyer's brief series because he wasn't facing the 49ers starters. Oh wait: Those are the 49ers starters now. Never mind.

Ryan Mallett was a quiet 10-of-11 for 90 yards. When you take out a few plays during a no-timeout pre-halftime drive and a pair of completions for no gain and one yard, there wasn't much substance to his passing performance. Mallett spent most of Saturday evening handing off. During one insane goal-line series, four different running backs carried seven times starting at the one-yard line (a pass interference penalty netted a fresh set of downs) and gained zero yards. With Arian Foster injured, the Texans actually have bigger problems at running back than at quarterback.

Tom Savage threw a touchdown pass to a well-covered Jaelen Strong—the rookie made a fine play to fend off his defender for the catch—and rolled away from danger to float a 25-yard catch-and-run completion to Chris Polk on 3rd-and-6. Savage did little else of note as the game devolved into playground silliness.

The Hoyer-Mallett usage pattern suggests Hoyer has the edge: a single series typically denotes "starter," not "auditioning with the starters." But it's hard to see any real separation between O'Brien's Bargain Brady Boys, and we aren't going to find any by watching HBO, either.

Buffalo Bills: Matt Cassel was methodical and dull, delivering hot-potato passes to his playmakers and leaving the dirty business of gaining productive yardage to them. Cassel was 7-of-8 for 45 yards. We could politely call that "efficient," but only by pretending five-yard completions on 3rd-and-7 are somehow models of efficiency.

Bill Wippert/Associated Press/Associated Press

Tyrod Taylor then entered the game and the merry-go-round music started. Taylor ran six times for 47 yards. Most of the runs were designed options and bootlegs, which is significant. He didn't do any startled-bunny scrambling against the Panthers backups. Taylor also completed five passes, and the stretched-thin Panthers defense was helpless to stop Bryce Brown from thumping the ball up the middle after chasing Taylor from sideline to sideline.

EJ Manuel entered the game in the third quarter and mishandled a pair of shotgun snaps. He later completed a bomb to Deonte Thompson to preserve his dignity, but Manuel continues to play quarterback the way Marty McFly played guitar while he was fading from the Polaroid at the end of Back to the Future.

No rotating quarterback system has worked in the NFL in at least 30 years, but it would be fun to watch Taylor drive defenses to distraction off the bench for a few series per game, or Cassel play a Don Strock role if the Bills need to restore order on the fourth quarter. A committee of Percy Harvin, Richie Incognito and IK Enemkpali can decide before each series who takes the field; the loser gets a wedgie. C'mon, Rex Ryan, make this happen!

Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin III has a new career-rehabilitation strategy:

A) Locate disappointing Browns cornerback Justin Gilbert.

B) Throw to receiver covered by disappointing Browns cornerback Justin Gilbert.

C) Hope receiver catches football.

Parts A and B of that plan worked perfectly when Griffin found Pierre Garcon gliding toward the end zone with Gilbert visible in the far left corner of the television screen. Unfortunately, Garcon dropped the pass. Griffin targeted Garcon against Gilbert twice on fades into the corner of the end zone, but the throws dog-legged out of bounds.

Kirk Cousins entered the game for an impressive series. It ended with an option keeper near the goal line that completely fooled the Browns defense but now will not fool any regular-season opponents because the play was prominently featured on the highlight reel. The more Cousins (12-of-14 for 154 yards) played against Browns starters and top backups, the less impressive he looked, which is Cousins' career in a nutshell.

Making sense of the Redskins quarterback situation is like counting the angels dancing on the tip of a unicorn's horn. Neither Griffin nor Cousins changed any minds on Thursday night, which means we're in for at least three more weeks of Jay Gruden votes of quasi-confidence.

As for Gilbert, he told reporters his technique was "flawless" except for the dropped Garcon bomb.  Well, great cornerbacks are supposed to have selective memory. But they are supposed to have other attributes, too.

Jason Miller/Getty Images

Cleveland Browns: Josh McCown looked sharp, completing all five of his passes for 33 yards and a short touchdown. McCown will always look sharp against a vanilla defense when he gets to drop, set and quickly fling easy little passes. McCown has probably thrown more passes in August than any quarterback of the last 30 years.

(McCown's career preseason stats, compiled from NFLGSIS.com (subscription required): 406 attempts, 236 completions, a 58.1 percent completion rate, 2,372 yards, eight touchdowns, nine interceptions. McCown's 13 years of preseasons add up to one NFL season. One very mediocre NFL season.)

McCown did what little he had to do to stave off even the wisp of a quarterback controversy against the Redskins. Johnny Manziel, meanwhile, calmed fans' nerves by tossing some accurate short passes of his own, scrambling judiciously and looking more like a top quarterback prospect than the baby fawn trying to cross a freeway we saw last year.

Manziel's performance was made all the more soothing by the local Browns broadcasters on the tape I watched. They praised Manziel's every decision like kindergarten teachers handing out stickers to the kids who remembered that paste is not food. Nice job by Manziel throwing that ball away. Smart move by Johnny to eat the ball and take a sack there. Looks like Johnny buckled his chinstrap all by himself. Attaboy.

New York Jets: The Mumford & Son quarterback duo spent Thursday night handing off and throwing into the flats, lest either Ryan Fitzpatrick or Bryce Petty do something immature and un-leaderish to get himself cold-cocked in the locker room.

Paul Sancya/Associated Press

Fitzpatrick played one long drive and threw three short passes. Petty threw just five passes in the rest of the first half, then 13 more in second-half silly time. The Jets mustered 123 yards of total offense and two plays longer than nine yards in the entire game.

Remember kids, punching someone in the face is at least somewhat justified if he wags a finger at you, or acts smug, or has not met your reimbursement timeline on a moderate-value loan, or if he's unpopular with the local and national media and easy to ridicule on Twitter. The rules we laid down in the middle-school tree fort while arguing over who got to take home the bra-and-panty section of the JCPenney catalog still apply in adult life! And if that punch recipient happens to be the most talented quarterback on your roster and best chance to win football games this year, well, mumble something about "lack of leadership" and try not to think about the bigger problems that are caused by "lack of talent."

Going For Two

Matt Rourke/Associated Press

Monday Morning Hangover is dedicated to being your one-stop source for two-point conversions, missed extra points and general post-touchdown hand-wringing throughout the season.

There have been 69 touchdowns and just 13 two-point-conversion attempts so far this preseason. Teams are 6-of-13 converting the two-pointers. It's a small sample size, but a percentage below 50 percent will throw ice water on the idea of abandoning the new, not-quite-guaranteed 32-yard extra point during the first light drizzle.

If it seemed like there were far more than 13 two-point conversion attempts so far this preseason, it's because: a) the Packers and Patriots combined for three of them in a nationally televised game; b) most of the attempts occurred early in games, before the fourth-quarter brain rot erased our memories of the attempts; and c) two-point conversions are like hornets at a picnic: When we see three of them, we think it's a swarm.

What can we make of all the early-game two-point conversions? There is not much sense going for two with third-stringers in the fourth quarter, unless the coach wants to see a false start that leads to a 37-yard extra-point attempt. Coaches are no doubt tinkering with two-point strategies and putting some things on film. A little extra emphasis on the two-pointer makes sense this year, even for coaches with no plan to get daring, because a muddy field or a banged-up kicker will have much more impact than it did when the extra point was within range of punters and backup wide receivers who played soccer in high school.

Like everything else at this point in the preseason, it's too early to tell how the two-pointer story will shake out, but it's the perfect time to start collecting evidence and speculating.

As for extra points: kickers were 54-of-56 (96.4 percent), with misses by Ryan Succop (Titans) and Cody Parkey (Eagles). Why does it already feel like two misses per NFL week will feel much more random and annoying than one miss every two or three NFL weeks?

Rookie Debuts

We will have to wait a few weeks, or months, to see much-anticipated rookies like Todd Gurley, Kevin White, T.J. Yeldon and Tevin Coleman take the field. But we had plenty of rookies to scrutinize this weekend, and most of them played like good ol' fashioned rookies.

Jameis Winston looked like a talented guy who just heaves the ball downfield and doesn't worry about whether his receiver is tightly covered or a safety is in perfect position to step in front of the throw. Since this is how Winston looked for nearly all of his final college season, there shouldn't be much to talk about, but I suspect his 9-of-19, 131-yard, two-sack, one-pick, several-ill-advised-throws performance will be a major talking point. The best things that can be said about it are: a) it is over; b) the arm looked good; and c) Winston said all the right things after the game.

Writers of some future Marcus Mariota inspirational biopic won't have to invent any exaggerated bad plays to show how humble his NFL debut was. Mariota got baited into floating a short checkdown pass into linebacker Justin Durant's belly on his first series, then gave up a "strip-six" touchdown to Paul Worrilow when he didn't feel the Falcons' rush in time.

Mariota rebounded with an impressive touchdown drive. He finished 7-of-8 for 94 yards, delivering strikes from the pocket as well as a sprint-out completion.

Backup Zach Mettenberger was also impressive, and Ken Whisenhunt deserves credit for letting both young passers sling a few deep passes despite the early setbacks. Too much of the weekend's first-quarter "action" involved 30-something quarterbacks dumping passes into the flats, as if the first week of the preseason has become a self-esteem workshop for journeymen.

Ameer Abdullah has received rave reviews at camp and produced one of the weekend's best highlights: a nifty 45-yard run that started with a sweet juke and a sharp turn upfield. Abdullah is the Reggie Bush we always wanted instead of the one we got. Your brother-in-law is already planning to pick him third overall in your fantasy draft.

Melvin Gordon had a standard rookie running back's first preseason game. Oh, NFL holes are that small? They close that fast? Defenders hit that hard? Gordon ran north-south and didn't go down at the first nudge, so there is no reason for alarm. On the other hand, Danny Woodhead got a carry near the end zone and Branden Oliver looked tough and elusive mid-game, which is why your brother-in-law has already crossed Gordon completely off his fantasy football cheat sheet.

Phillip Dorsett was very impressive for the Colts: four catches for 51 yards on a mix of short, long, sideline and middle routes, plus a fifth near-catch where Dorsett stepped out of bounds on a deep pass from Matt Hasselbeck. The athleticism and polish bode well for the Colts, though even your brother-in-law knows there will only be so many balls to go around once the season starts.

Nelson Agholor extended to catch an errant pass from Mark Sanchez (which was the only way to catch a pass from Mark Sanchez on Sunday), then accelerated upfield for a touchdown. Agholor finished with three catches for 57 yards, though he also let a potential first-down pass fly through his hands. It was an encouraging overall performance.

Incidentally, Agholor jerseys are hard to find in Philly-area sporting goods stores. But all it takes is a little green duct tape to turn an 11 into a 17, and guess whose jerseys are available in over-abundant quantities? Now, turning "Tebow" into "Agholor" will require a utility knife and at least an associate's degree in textiles...

Derek Carr threw Amari Cooper three short completions in the Raiders opening field-goal drive on Friday night against the Rams. Cooper also added three yards on an end-around. Carr additionally looked for Cooper on a quick slant near the goal line but did not notice Trumaine Johnson lurking in underneath coverage, so he delivered a perfect pass to the defender.

The Raiders still share their stadium with baseball's A's, so Cooper, Carr, Latavius Murray and other promising stars of the Raiders future got to play on a mixture of grass and infield dirt. There is no way I would risk important players on a baseball diamond in a preseason game. If the Giants tried to play a preseason game under those conditions, the infield would turn to quicksand and drag Odell Beckham down to the Earth's mantle. Luckily, no Raiders were hurt in what will probably be their penultimate preseason game as boarders in a baseball stadium.

Color-Coded Alerts

No one should jump to conclusions after watching the starters play about 15 snaps. No one should eat mozzarella sticks, either, but they are still on the menu. Here's a look at some reasons why teams may already be cranking up the color-coded alert system.

Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Bears Receivers: Rookie Kevin White is shelved with a shin injury for weeks, Alshon Jeffery has been limping around training camp in a protective boot due to a calf injury, and Brandon Marshall has made it clear that he is happier playing for a team that punches unpopular starting quarterbacks in the jaw than he was catching passes from Jay Cutler. The good news is that Eddie Royal looked great against the Dolphins and Jeffery's boot is mostly precautionary. The bad news is that Cutler did not even look in the general direction of wide receivers not named "Royal" on Thursday night. Yellow Alert.

Giants Safeties: Second-round pick Landon Collins suffered an MCL injury in the Bengals game and is out for a while. Fifth-round pick Mykkele Thompson suffered an Achilles injury and is lost for the season. Numerous other safeties (and big cornerbacks who could conceivably play safety) are in various states of unavailability, including Nat Berhe and Chykie Brown. All of the former Giants safeties you have heard of now play elsewhere, mainly Chicago. The Giants signed Brandon Meriweather on Sunday.

There are communities built atop radioactive waste dumps built atop sacred burial grounds that have fewer bizarre health problems than the Giants. The pope is coming to the East Coast in a few weeks, and Tom Coughlin and the Mara family are practicing Catholics. Perhaps a "blessing of the injury report" is in order; if it bursts into flames, at least we can stop worrying about the statistical improbability of the Giants' injury problems.

The pope is actually visiting Philadelphia, but that's less than 90 minutes down the turnpike from Giants headquarters, and Chip Kelly is the kind of guy who still holds a grudge about Galileo. Bright Lava Red Alert.

Matt Rourke/Associated Press

Eagles quarterbacks: Mark Sanchez spent early Sunday afternoon overthrowing wide-open receivers like he was trying out for the 2018 Olympic Monkey in the Middle team. Sanchez started the game because Kelly wants to keep Sam Bradford in his original packaging to retain his collector's value.

While many teams refuse to discuss player injuries, Kelly provides such arcane scientific explanations (he failed the sub-molecular boson transmogrification test before practice on Tuesday) that you wish he would just not comment on injuries. So Bradford is either being prudently preserved for the regular season or secretly fitted for a robot knee.

The good news for the Eagles is that Sanchez has a well-defined performance floor, Matt Barkley looked pretty good in extended action, and Tim Tebow looked good just long enough to inspire nearly 15 minutes of pandering Tweets. Colors of the Spectrum the Human Eye Cannot Perceive Alert.

Cowboys Running Backs: Gus "the Bus" Johnson bruised his way into the end zone against the Chargers on Thursday...then separated his shoulder later in the game. Johnson got plenty of action because Joseph Randle and Lance Dunbar were nursing minor injuries and Darren McFadden is Darren McFadden.

The Cowboys were left without enough guys to take handoffs, one of many reasons why the Chargers game collapsed into a preseason singularity of punts and penalties more quickly than even the typical August opener. But Randle and Dunbar have returned to practice, and the Cowboys offensive line is still a police escort down the interstate. Aquamarine Alert.

Jets Offense: The Jets offense doesn't have a panic button. It just has a Jets Offense button. Jets Alert.

Saints Defense: I got to watch a Saints scrimmage last week, and one of the highlights of the morning was listening to Rob Ryan rant like an NC-17 Yosemite Sam while somewhere between nine and 16 defenders ran out on the field every time they made a substitution. Saints defenders knew where to line up against the Ravens but did not seem sure what to do when they got there. The Saints have a talented defense, but they appear penalty-prone, mistake-prone, and less-than-physical in the trenches right now.

The local Saints telecast made matters worse by switching to Ryan-cam to see the defensive coordinator's reactions to each blunder. Perhaps they should opt for a four-camera view: defender lining up in neutral zone, Ryan cursing, Sean Payton steaming, and defensive assistant/obvious alternate-choice coordinator Dennis Allen licking his chops. Anything is better than watching Matt Schaub throw deep touchdowns in 2015. Orange Alert.

Last Call

Preseason Man-Crush of the Week Honors go to Jarryd Hayne, Australian rugby star turned 49ers running back and return man. Hayne had a 53-yard run against the Texans, looked good on a trio of kick and punt returns and demonstrated some understanding of who and how to block. Hayne's storyline-to-roster-likelihood ratio is still pretty high, but if you can't love a 27-year-old rookie in August, when can you love one? And if any team has room for a rugby player in a non-kicking role, it's the 2015 49ers.

Cheers to the NFL Network for televising the Winston and Mariota debuts live. Traditional national preseason broadcasts are too often like Thursday's Patriots-Packers game: two teams you love to watch in the regular season that are guaranteed to bore you to tears in the preseason. Someone in the television universe figured out that only football junkies watch Friday and Saturday night preseason games and that we don't want to watch Aaron Rodgers drink Gatorade.

Jeers (yes, Hangover is TV Guide circa 1986 now; soon we will complain about David and Maddie's absence from Moonlighting) to NFL Game Pass for promising unlimited preseason action for a reasonable price but turning into a glitchy ordeal that left thousands of fans (and many colleagues with stories to write) without access to the games they paid for.

Game Pass actually worked fine for me. Here are some tech-support hints for those still having problems:

Log in to Game Pass.

Log in again.

Click the Launch button, then log in again.

Switch your web browser to Mosaic 6. Then log in.

Run your computer in Safe Mode. Launch MS-DOS. Clear your Internet cache. Delete all cookies. Wipe your hard drive. Then purchase a new computer.

Type "Odysseus" to defeat the cyclops. Type "echo" in the loud room to retrieve the platinum bar. Then log in again.

Follow lots of beat writers on Twitter and pretend you are watching the games.

Sacrifice an unblemished she-goat on a pyre of gopher wood to Ja'Valzeebub, ancient Mesopotamian deity of applets.

Take a long, brisk walk outside, reminding yourself that these games don't matter to you and it's not your job to watch them. It's mine!

Hope that works. See you next week.

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.