A Hater's Guide to NFL Week 13: Why Your Team Is Bound to Lose
Hatred is a beautiful thing and it can take many forms. In Week 13 of the NFL season, my hatred is taking the form of a columnist who is sick and tired of the NFL and its television partners shoving the NFC East down our collective throats like a parent trying to tell children brussels sprouts are candy.
Do I want to watch Dallas and Philadelphia in the 2013 Turnover Bowl? Nope!
Do I want to watch New York and Washington? Maybe the last five minutes or whenever RGIII has the ball. Otherwise, nope!
Hatred can take other forms, though, like a columnist comparing one of the nicest quarterbacks in the NFL to an inmate from San Quentin because he's all "tatted up."
Hatred can also take the form of my boot which lunged at the computer screen, wanting to take an Ndamukong Suh-like swift kick to that columnist's midsection.
I haven't used all my hatred up, however. Oh no, my wonderful snowflakes. There is some left for each and every one of your teams. If you're lucky, I'll save a little for you as well, because you're special. You're worth it.
On to the hate!
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Buffalo Bills
They're cocky due to their increased level of play in recent weeks. Gene Smith walks around the sidelines introducing everyone to new addition Jason Babin claiming, "He's really going to help us for the playoff run." Everyone looks around and wonders if he's joking. I mean, he's smiling a little bit, but he's not really looking at anything. Why did he just chuckle? No one even said anything.
Later, Smith would be seen diligently trying to fit two solid wooden blocks together...for six hours.
Game day approaches and Ryan Fitzpatrick starts to get more and more uneasy. Like a wild animal with finely tuned senses (or an old man with arthritic joints) Fitzpatrick can feel the barometric pressure dropping in Buffalo as winter draws nearer and nearer. Each day at practice, he convinces Coach Gailey that he doesn't need to throw the football today because "we practiced earlier, you were looking the other way."
Fitzpatrick spends the first quarter of the game audibling out of pass plays until Gailey finally catches on. The first play of the second quarter is a deep shot down the field that lands a yard in front of Fitzpatrick as his arm crumbles into dust and wisps out of the stadium in the cold fall air.
Seattle Seahawks vs. Chicago Bears
Wanting to improve as an NFL-caliber leader, Russell Wilson asks Jay Cutler for some advice on getting along with his teammates. Later, Wilson is retrieved from the locker five of his linemen shoved him into. While he is being hosed off, he promises to never listen to Cutler ever again.
Leading up to the game, Phil Emery realizes he hasn't seen Lovie Smith in like a week. He finally catches him in one of the film rooms, feet up on the table, watching General Hospital with a box of Mike 'n' Ikes. When Emery wonders what the heck is up and if Smith has (and I quote) "lost his damn mind," Smith explains that he's always taken a few weeks off in the middle of the season to, "you know, recharge his batteries."
Emery threatens to fire Smith. Smith chuckles. Phone calls are made. Emery is later seen flipping burgers at an area White Castle.
San Francisco 49ers vs. St. Louis Rams
San Francisco 49ers
Prior to the game, Colin Kaepernick rescues 30 baby kittens from a burning building, helps a dozen old ladies cross the street and teaches a deaf girl to read. One minute late to warm-ups, the assembled media asks "where's that thug quarterback with all the evil tattoos...you know, the Bible verses?"
In a show of solidarity with Kaepernick, Alex Smith gets another tattoo. No one realizes because no one cares what Alex Smith does any more.
St. Louis Rams
As the waning days of Movember tick off the clock, Jeff Fisher's trademark mustache grows to consume most of his face and much of his upper back. It becomes a distraction for the team, however, when it realizes it throws a tighter spiral than Sam Bradford. It is fitted for a jersey and installed as starting quarterback.
Sadly, when midnight on Saturday approaches, the great mustache is filled with sorrow as its black whiskers fell like grey. It no longer went to play along the Cherry Lane...back to its normal size and emaciated of all its Movember powers, the mustache still outperforms Bradford in warmups.
New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins
New England Patriots
With the holidays approaching, Bill Belichick decides to be nicer to people and shows up at the stadium wearing a full-on Santa suit and starts handing out presents to a group of orphans he has assembled.
He is immediately committed to the first mental institution that answers the phone.
Later, one of the orphans asks Josh McDaniels why he has Belichick's water bottle and "what is Lithium?" McDaniels just chuckles and coaches the team to a 42-7 loss.
I have no idea what is going on in that picture of Reggie Bush up there. It was included in our Getty Images search tool, though. I'm guessing it is part of a collection of glamor shots Bush sent to the Kardashian sisters hoping he could get one of them to talk to him again. Good luck, bro, and thanks to Getty for not including the Brett Favre-style pics.
Arizona Cardinals vs. New York Jets
You know it's been a terrible season when the first Hater's Guide writing block moment of the entire season happens because we've run out of embarrassing things to say about you. So, um...Yo momma's so fat, when I told her it was chilly at the Meadowlands, she went and got a bowl!
New York Jets
Sensing that there are people out there no longer talking about the Jets, Woody Johnson goes into full on diva mode and calls a press conference to announce the signings of Terrell Owens, Chad Ochocinco and Michael Irvin. He also signs the entire cast of "Real Housewives of New York City" and plans on starting them on the offensive line.
Johnson ends the press conference with a 10-minute rant about how he can't believe the media can't find better things to talk about than the drama around the organization.
Indianapolis Colts vs. Detroit Lions
After watching far too much tape (and far too many angles) of the Lions' Thanksgiving game against the Texans, Andrew Luck finds the biggest athletic cup he can find and uses about 12 rolls of duct tape to strap it on.
With his mobility completely gone, he is only able to torch the Lions' secondary for 500 yards and the Colts' equally bad secondary can't hold the Lions under 60 points. 65-58, Lions win.
Calvin Johnson, sensing that this whole "NFL wide receiver" thing has gotten too easy, tells Matt Stafford that he plans on catching passes with his shoulder blades from here on out (shown here). Stafford nods approvingly because, frankly, that's where he's been throwing them all along.
Johnson racks up 100 yards receiving via scapula in the first half, but Ndamukong Suh (who was not hugged often enough as a child) sabotages the Lions' efforts by throwing a city bus directly at the Colts huddle. He would later claim it was unintentional.
Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers
The Vikings start the game with 35-straight running plays before finally calling a pass late in the fourth quarter. Things go awry, however, when the team realizes that the person it thought to be Christian Ponder is actually just a well-disguised tackling dummy with a massive amount of makeup (though, oddly, less makeup than Ponder usually wears on game days.)
Unable to pass, the Vikings succumb to the Packers' 1-10 defensive front. Football purists everywhere are happy for like 10 minutes and then find something else to whine about.
Green Bay Packers
With commercials drying up and his role on "The Office" coming to a close, Aaron Rodgers starts looking for other things to do. He tries to take up competitive eating with B.J. Raji, but isn't any good at it. He calls Brett Favre looking for advice but ends up having to block his number. He goes cruising around Green Bay—an act that takes, quite literally, six total minutes.
Bored out of his mind, he comes upon a playbook and actually starts to thumb through some of the pages. "Wait," he would later ask Coach McCarthy, "you actually write down what you want me to do? I've just been going out there and kinda running around and stuff."
Horrified that someone actually let Rodgers know that football is supposed to have plays, McCarthy resigns on the spot and the Packers lose as Rodgers spends most of the first quarter trying to figure out which way the little boxes on the play-call sheet are supposed to go.
Houston Texans vs. Tennessee Titans
I mean, I'm sure there is some way I could concoct some sort of fanciful notion that the Titans would actually win this game, but I would never do such a thing. This is a serious article. All facts here.
Before the game, Jake Locker whispers something to J.J. Watt about something he had heard about Watt's mother. Angry, Watt asks where he heard it from. The next 90 minutes are just creatine-infused rage as Watt pummels the nearest goalpost and Locker chuckles to himself.
The joke is on Locker, however, as Watt finishes by picking up the goalpost and throwing it javelin-style, pinning Locker to the ground. Locker isn't mad, however; he's impressed as it is the most accurate throw he's ever been a part of.
Carolina Panthers vs. Kansas City Chiefs
"I mean...it's the Chiefs, right?" Newton asks every time one of his teammates wonders why he hasn't been at practice all week. Sadly, Newton forgets that they are also "the Panthers, right?" and Newton watches from the sidelines as Jamaal Charles moonwalks right up the middle of Ron Rivera's expertly schemed defense for an 80-yard touchdown...every time the Chiefs get the ball.
Kansas City Chiefs
"I mean...it's the Panthers, right?" Jamaal Charles asks every time one of his teammates wonders why he hasn't been at practice all week. Sadly, Charles forgets that they are also "the Chiefs, right?" and Charles watches from the sidelines as Cam Newton passes and runs for a bajillion yards against Romeo Crennel's expertly schemed defense.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Denver Broncos
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Doug Martin is incensed as he learns the Buccaneers website is selling plush Hamster toys with his jersey on them. He storms into the front office and demands that they stop using that stupid nickname. The Glazers agree and then calm Martin down by handing him a piece of celery. Martin, now placated, goes to work out by running on a giant wheel for about three hours.
As seen in the picture, here, Peyton Manning just completely loses it on the second play of the game.
"You want me to win with these yahoos? Seriously, guys, I left the Colts because of the nonsense those Polian jerks put me through, and you saddle me with this? I don't even know half of these linemen. Heck, Mel Kiper's never heard of half of these linemen. I'm sick of making these punks look good."
Coming to the rescue, John Elway suits up at quarterback. Later, onlookers would say that the funeral was lovely.
Cleveland Browns vs. Oakland Raiders
I mean, they're the Browns; do they need a reason anymore?
"You see these?" Carson Palmer yells, "they don't do a darn thing. I can't see any of you out here, I'm like Mr. Freakin' Magoo. You idiots paid me millions of dollars and gave up an absurd haul of draft picks and I'm legally blind! Where's my paycheck."
Raiders fans would later call his rant gutsy and argue that he's not actually part of the problem in Oakland.
Cincinnati Bengals vs. San Diego Chargers
Marvin Lewis, proud of his team for how well it has played this season (read: shocked and pretty sure he had nothing to do with it) decides to give the players the week off as a bonus. No, no one was able to convince him or owner Mike Brown that the NFL doesn't work that way and, no, no one in either city really cared that the game was canceled.
San Diego Chargers
A.J. Smith, realizing his job may actually be on the line, decides to save his own skin by firing Norv Turner. Sadly, the only candidate that will actually show up to the interview is Marty Schottenheimer who is (as many Chargers fans know—for the purposes of this joke there are many Chargers fans) just Norv Turner with some glasses on.
The Chargers don't actually win the game, but ownership rewards Smith for the gutsy move with a 50-year extension. Smith's first moves, naturally, are to cut Eric Weddle, Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates.
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens
Ben Roethlisberger shows up to the game and is confused when he sees his name third on the depth chart behind Charlie Batch and Tommy Maddox. "I didn't even know Tommy was still alive" Big Ben says, as Coach Tomlin explains that he really liked the way the team reacted to the leadership last week.
Seventeen turnovers later, Roethlisberger is finally allowed back onto the field.
Excited to see the Vienna Boys Choir is performing the national anthem, Joe Flacco is surprised when he learns that they're actually his new offensive line as part of Ozzie Newsome's year-long effort to find healthy players who aren't 200 pounds overweight.
Trading spots, Michael Oher would later sing the national anthem. It was really ineffective and no one was quite sure what he was doing...no, wait, that's what they said about his play at left tackle. Nevermind.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys
In his year-long effort to save his job, Andy Reid calls up longtime friend and fellow mustache aficionado Matt Millen for advice. Based on their conversations, Reid's energy is renewed and the team gets an infusion of talent as six guys personally scouted by Millen show up to play defensive back. Sadly, it's really just some guys from the local Salvation Army center who spend most of the game warming their hands under one of Reid's many chins.
Inexplicably, Tony Romo challenges Nick Foles to a push-up contest. Twenty minutes later, Romo finally admits that he's stuck in that position and may need medical assistance.
New York Giants vs. Washington Redskins
New York Giants
After warmups, Eli Manning takes a seat on the bench, telling teammates "naw, you guys take the first three quarters, really no reason for me to be out there. I'll see you guys after halftime, imma ready for a nap." Strangely, the strategy works and David Carr (yes, the Giants' backup is really David Carr), leads the team to a 20-point lead heading into the final quarter.
Coach Coughlin (taking a page from Jim Harbaugh's playbook) decides to go with the hot hand, which is OK with Manning because he loves (and I mean loves) this hot dog he's working on.
"What is this brown mustard? Delicious." The Redskins score 24 unanswered points to win the game.
Sick and tired of people not talking about him, Coach Shanahan simultaneously lists 14 people as starting running back for the game. He forgets, however, to tell RGIII which one to actually hand the ball off to and the entire first quarter is just a trombone-accompanied blooper reel.
Seeing the terrible play and probably groggy from his nap, Dan Snyder tries to fire Joe Gibbs.
Michael Schottey is the NFL National Lead Writer for Bleacher Report and a member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff alongside other great writers at "The Go Route."