Congressmen Weiners: A Modest Proposal
Recent events in Washington have shown that our politicians cannot stop throwing their trousers in the thresher, a fact which has reared its head consistently since 1776.
The advent of 24-hour news channels, instant messaging, text messaging, Facebook, message boards and Twitter will only increase the frequency of these awkward situations.
Then, every time this embarrassment occurs, the two sides of the political spectrum will argue and sermonize furiously on 24-hour news channels, instant messages, text messages, Facebook, message boards and Twitter, switching sides depending on the letter in parentheses behind the condemned’s name. Then they will analyze the sermonizing and the arguing on 24-hour news channels, instant messages, text messages, Facebook, message boards and Twitter, and analyze the analysis, and so on and so on.
It is a trivial, boring exercise that only ceases when another trivial, boring debate comes down the pike for the two sides to consume, and then the cycle continues. Meanwhile, the boring and trivial becomes consequential, and the consequential becomes irrelevant.
I come here not to judge, though. I want to solve this problem and the problem needs to be cut off at the head, which is exactly my plan for solving this.
One word: Eunuchs.
If you really want to end sexual indiscretions in D.C., you eliminate sexual organs. No more Weiners, if you’ll allow me one pun.
No more Foleys or Vitters. Those types would never want to join our eunuch government. This completely humane plan would weed out the deviants and depraved in D.C. Once this wholly plausible plan went into place, only the truly worthy, the truly good and honest and hard-working and caring and reasonable and good-hearted amongst us would be the ones volunteering for government positions and castration.
Then those gentle, asexual souls would think about one thing and one thing only: making government work for us. Nothing would or could stand in the way of their singular focus.
Yes, this utterly unobjectionable plan would leave us with the type of honest politician we deserve. Corporations and lobbyists wouldn’t be able to bribe or blackmail our eunuch government. What campaign donation would sway a eunuch? Finally, our government would be loyal and subservient to their masters, to us. Just like a cocker spaniel.
A neutered cocker spaniel.
Many societies and superpowers have embraced the eunuch; the Greeks, the Romans, the Ming Dynasty, the Ottoman Empire. They did alright for themselves, sort-of. The great thoroughbred Apache Cat was a gelding.
The Apache Cat. Yeah.
So what will it be: continue on with the charade, rehashing the same strawmen arguments the next time and there will be a next time, another Weiner makes a mistake? Grandstanding and moralizing over the mundane minutia of yet another politician caught in the wicket? Acting like it isn’t and always hasn’t been same song, different verse? Getting bogged down in another useless debate that continues to hold us back as a nation?
Or do we nip this in the bud, figuratively and literally. Think about it.
Alright, good talk. See ya out there.
Oh, and here’s 10 free agents to keep your eyes on for fantasy football, if there even is a season.