Monday Morning Hangover: Vick, Weeden and the NFL Grab Bag of Backup QBs
Good news, Steelers fans! Ben Roethlisberger has an MCL sprain and a bone bruise! Reports say he will miss four to six weeks! All you have to do is hope Michael Vick still has enough video game power-ups in his inventory to scrape together a win or two in Big Ben's absence. With any luck, the Steelers will have about a 5-3 record and be within striking distance of the Bengals when the cavalry arrives!
Wait, that's good news?
After watching Roethlisberger ride a cart off the field, looking like he had just coughed up all the ligaments in his knee: Yes, four to six weeks of Vick, according to Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, is much better than 13 games of Vick. A little Vick goes a long way.
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The Steelers are one of many teams, some of them preseason contenders, trying to survive an indeterminate period of time with a journeyman quarterback under center. Vick, a prudent late-camp pickup for a team that might have been tempted to gamble with Landry Jones at backup quarterback when Bruce Gradkowski got hurt, can still run pretty fast and throw pretty hard. As journeyman backups go, he's no worse than Brandon Weeden or the Dueling McCowns.
He's not much better, either. Vick completed five of six passes for 38 yards in relief of Roethlisberger in a 12-6 Steelers victory over the Rams on Sunday. His performance was not even as dynamic as that anemic little stat line suggests. Vick took two sacks and nearly lost a fumble. His lone scoring "drive" spanned eight yards, ending with a field goal. The Steelers won because the Rams offense spent the entire game getting in its own way.
Still, Vick did what veteran journeymen do: He completed a bunch of short passes, many of them meaningless, and made the offense look semi-viable. A quick look at Vick's journeyman peers shows that what you see is what you get when a 30-something quarterback makes a spot start or relief appearance. True journeymen often don't play well enough to win. They just play well enough to beef up their completion percentages and guarantee their next backup gigs:
Brandon Weeden completed 22 of 26 passes for 232 yards in the Cowboys' 39-28 loss to the Falcons. An 84.6 percent completion rate looks great on paper. On the field, Weeden just chucked short passes to Lance Dunbar on 3rd-and-long while the Falcons came back from the 28-14 cushion Joseph Randle and the offensive line spotted the Cowboys.
Weeden hooked up with Dunbar on 2nd-and-26, 3rd-and-23, 3rd-and-12 and 3rd-and 14 in the second half, only producing a first down via a roughing the passer penalty. As soon as he no longer held the lead, Weeden took a pair of devastating third-down sacks.
Luke McCown completed 31 of 38 passes in the Saints' 27-22 loss to the Panthers. He was 16-of-17 at halftime, yet the Saints were just 3-of-8 on third-down conversions and had scored just 10 points in the half. McCown completed four-yard passes all afternoon like he was participating in an extended pregame warm-up. Like Weeden, he played fairly well until his team trailed and needed a quarterback who could play really well.
Luke's big brother, Josh McCown, threw for 341 yards against the Raiders, almost all of them in garbage time. Good stats in bad games: It's the McCown family cottage industry.
Jimmy Clausen threw for 63 yards against the Seahawks, which was a feat in and of itself. The Seahawks took a 20-0 lead late in the third quarter, so even their vaunted (and angry) defense was ready to allow a few easy completions. That's the difference between an elite McCown-level journeyman and a mere Clausen: A McCown would have totally rocked the four-yard passes and led the Bears to a 26-10 loss instead of a shutout.
At the tail end of his crazy-quilt Wagnerian opera of a career, Vick can scrape together a win here and a win there with the help of Antonio Brown, Le'Veon Bell and other playmakers. Most capable journeymen could do the same. (As could many rookies and young prospects who are generally cheaper, more exciting and have the potential to improve, but never mind.)
Assuming Roethlisberger can return before the post-bye stretch of games that features the Seahawks, Colts, Bengals, Broncos and Ravens, the Steelers are not in as bad a shape as other teams relying on journeymen quarterbacks.
In fact, here are the Journeyman Backup Quarterback "Bad Shape" Rankings:
Saints: Drew Brees may return soon. It also may not matter. The Saints defense is a mess, and their skill players have a knack for open-field fumbling. Before the season began, it looked like nine or 10 wins would be enough to clinch the NFC South. It now looks like either the Falcons or Panthers (possibly both) will put the division out of reach for the 0-3 Saints. Very Bad Shape.
Cowboys: Look for Matt Cassel to get the starting job in a week or two, then Kellen Moore after Cassel proves he can't throw 20 yards downfield without a running start, then Kyle Orton after Jerry Jones visits him at home with a suitcase full of diamonds.
The Cowboys face the Saints next week in the lesser McCown-Weeden duel you never asked for, followed by matchups with the Patriots, Seahawks and some divisional foes in search of payback. Sunday's game was the team's best chance to gain some distance on the NFC East teams that have just retaught themselves the basics of football. Pretty Bad Shape.
Steelers: The upcoming schedule is full of AFC middleweights like the Ravens, Chargers, Bengals and Chiefs, plus the Cardinals. Most of those teams can throw the ball pretty well, unlike the Rams and 49ers. Roethlisberger could have shootouts with most of them. Vick must hope the Steelers secondary got better during this two-week vacation. Somewhat Bad Shape.
Jets: Ryan Fitzpatrick threw an insane 58 passes, and two of his three interceptions came in the fourth quarter, when the Eagles offense stalled and dared Philly fans to break all Ten Commandments while the pope was still in town.
Three-interception afternoons remain the stuff of gutsy Ivy League leadership only for so long in New York, especially now that Jets fans have tasted credibility and victory. At least the upcoming schedule is full of Dolphins, Redskins, Raiders and Jaguars; the Jets can get obliterated in New England in Week 7 and still finish the first half of the season 6-2. Not as Bad as Usual Shape.
Browns: For a physically/emotionally fragile young talent like Johnny Manziel, looking good by comparison is an important first step toward looking good. So McCown the Elder is performing a useful service. As Bad as Usual Shape.
Bears: Losses are stealth victories for a team eager to land a quarterback early in the 2016 draft. So Bad It's Good Shape.
So it could be much worse for the Steelers. Vick could get hurt, for example. In fact, Vick has been injury-prone for years, and his lost-a-step scrambler routine puts him constantly in harm's way. If anything happens to Vick, it's on to Landry Jones, then Tyler Murphy, the practice-squad quarterback/receiver/Wildcat guy.
Murphy would be fun to watch for about two series; more fun than Clausen or some other McCown sibling, anyway. But the only thing worse than watching a journeyman backup is watching the kid who takes over when he gets injured.
Hurry back, Ben Roethlisberger.
Statement Wins
A handful of unbeaten teams improved their records to 3-0 Sunday, while several 0-2 teams stopped the bleeding with much-needed victories. Here are the brief statements made by the victors in each of these "statement" wins.
First, the unbeaten teams:
Patriots 51, Jaguars 17: "We're the Patriots. Screw you."
Broncos 24, Lions 12: "We can beat any opponent as long as we win the turnover battle. We can win any turnover battle as long as our defense forces at least three turnovers."
Bengals 28, Ravens 24: "We're not the same old Bengals! Well, actually, a call went against us when it looked like we were about to take a 21-0 lead, then we had a half-hour meltdown where we lost all confidence in ourselves and let the Ravens come back, and we probably would have lost if the Ravens didn't settle for field goals deep in our territory or if their secondary wasn't so thin, but otherwise...oh heck, we are the same old Bengals."
Panthers 27, Saints 22: "Cam Newton is the NFL's SpongeBob: competent, hardworking and effective at what he does best, but a little too upbeat, goofy and annoying to be taken seriously even by referees."
(That makes Jerry Richardson penny-pinching Mr. Krabs, and referee Ed Hochuli—who told Newton he was "not old enough" to draw a personal foul when hit out of bounds—a crotchety old Squidward. Actually, when it comes to Newton, most of the Internet is a crotchety old Squidward.)
Falcons 39, Cowboys 28: "As everyone predicted in the preseason, the NFC South is a power conference that will only be decided in epic battles between Newton and the legendary, mighty Falcons defense."
Cardinals 47, 49ers 7: "Hey, underestimating us is one thing, but you don't have to keep throwing the ball directly at our defenders!"
Now, here are the "stemmed the tide of defeat" teams:
Seahawks 26, Bears 0: "This epic blowout proves we are 100 percent back in Super Bowl form. Wait, don't look at the halftime score! Or how we scored our first touchdowns! Or who the opposing quarterback was. Or..."
Colts 35, Titans 33: "We were six minutes and 49 seconds from becoming the Redskins. That's a heck of an abyss to see staring back at you."
Texans 19, Buccaneers 9: "Next week's starting quarterback will be an opponent's missed field goal."
Eagles 24, Jets 17: "Everything will be A-OK as long as Darren Sproles does all of the dirty work and Brandon Marshall decides to express his awesomeness by running the hook-and-lateral without warning any teammates."
Stock Watch
A weekly look at the risers and fallers, starting with a new arrival who has had his mind on his money for months:
Kam Chancellor: Steady
Chancellor recorded just one tackle in the Seahawks' shutout of the Bears. But in fairness, the Bears only netted 146 offensive yards and completed just one pass longer than 10 yards, so it is not like Chancellor had anyone in his section of the field to tackle.
Chancellor tried to douse the coaches with Gatorade after the game, but they leaped away at the last second and just got slightly splashed. Coaches love Gatorade baths from players whose contract holdouts led directly to 0-2 starts.
Jason La Canfora of CBS Sports reported the Seahawks will hold Chancellor accountable for at least a portion of the over $2 million in fines he accrued during his holdout. Geez, even the credit card company waives some of your penalties when you call to apologize for ignoring all of those registered letters and ask for the number of the repossessors who took your car with all your CDs and your dog still inside of it.
Anyway, the Seahawks will use none of that money to acquire a wide receiver or interior offensive lineman, so chalk the whole Chancellor situation up as a "lose-lose," even though the Seahawks won.
Peyton Manning Is Too Old Narrative: Falling
Manning threw for 324 yards and two touchdowns against a pretty good Lions defense on the road Sunday night despite zero support from his running game and some dumb plays by usually reliable teammates. (See: Demaryius Thomas reaching for a first down but fumbling backward instead.)
Manning threw several accurate deep passes and even scrambled forward to complete a pass on the run. He is not the quarterback he was three years ago, but he has settled in to a level of play that can still win a lot of games and looks pretty darned good after an afternoon of McCowns.
The "he's done/he's back" chatter no doubt lingers on Twitter (nothing ever stops lingering on Twitter), but Manning is clearly not yet at the point where his next incomplete pass will be his last.
Conformity: Rising
Sam Bradford lined up under center at least nine times during the Eagles' 24-17 victory over the Jets, usually on first downs when the Jets were expecting a typical Eagles shotgun formation.
While the Eagles still didn't huddle, they typically let more than 30 seconds tick off the game clock before snapping, even before they took a 24-0 lead. The Eagles controlled the clock for 28 minutes and 11 seconds, which must have felt like nine hours once they adjusted for Chip Kelly time dilation.
What does it mean for Kelly to win a game but lose some of his Kelly-ness in the process? Tune in for the midweek press conference when Kelly says "Science, Shmience...winning is about which team WANTS IT MORE."
Le'Veon Bell: Rising
Bell had a fine all-purpose game: 19-62-1 in a grinding effort as a rusher, plus seven catches for 70 yards once the Steelers had a lead, a backup quarterback in the game and little stomach for throwing downfield.
Mike Tomlin and Todd Haley aren't subtle about their nervousness when it comes to using backups, so look for Bell to get 35 carries, 10 targets and a few pass attempts Thursday night against the Ravens.
As for DeAngelo Williams, who was second in the league in rushing after two games: He got exactly one carry for two yards. Nothing brings a smile to Hangover's face like the Haley one-carry backup running back role!
Todd Gurley: Rising
Gurley is "rising" in the sense that six carries for nine yards is an upgrade over "sidelined with an ACL injury."
Gurley had zero preseason carries. It's impossible for a rookie running back to prepare for NFL holes, which are much smaller and close much more suddenly than collegiate holes, without getting at least a few dozen live carries.
When speaking of "holes" opened by the Rams offensive line, mind you, we are being strictly hypothetical.
Chris Johnson: Rising
Apparently, all Johnson needed to gain 110 rushing yards, gain 40 yards on a catch-and-run and score a pair of touchdowns was a refreshing swim with Bruce Arians' Cocoon aliens.
Teddy Bridgewater's Offensive Production: Falling
Bridgewater completed 23 passes in the season-opening loss to the 49ers, 14 in an easy win over the Lions and 13 in Sunday's blowout of the Chargers. His yardage totals dipped from 231 to 153 to 121.
Adrian Peterson carried the ball a reasonable 20 times this week (for 126 yards and two touchdowns), so a lopsided game plan wasn't the issue. Bridgewater has just stopped throwing the ball downfield, which is bound to become a problem at some point.
Maybe he should ask to have his stuff moved out of the old Tarvaris Jackson/Christian Ponder locker before it is too late.
Dolphins' Self-Esteem: Falling
Hey, don't blame Ndamukong Suh, who had four solo tackles and two stuffs! Blame just about everyone else on the Dolphins for that 41-14 debacle at home against the Bills. But hey, Joe Philbin will fix things with one of his patented motivational speeches, right?
"Philbin: "We are what we are right now. We'll look at everything we're doing. If I had a magic potion, I would have brought it out earlier."
— Barry Jackson (@flasportsbuzz) September 27, 2015"
If Philbin had a magic potion, magic would be a far less wondrous thing.
Bobby Hill: Rising
No, not the little cartoon character from Texas whose dad sells propane and propane accessories.
This Hill, a 14-year-old member of the Keystone State Boychoir, was sent on stage to sing a cappella for Pope Francis and several hundred-thousand Philadelphians when there was a last-minute change to the meticulously planned papal concert. Hill sang the haunting "Pie Jesu" in jeans and a polo shirt, exchanged gifts with the smiling pontiff, upstaged both The Fray (not hard; The Fray are the Brian Hoyer of popular music) and Aretha Franklin (much harder) and metaphorically (if not literally) dropped the mic.
It's a good thing football coaches weren't making the musical decisions: They would have sent to the stage a bar band full of 34-year-old journeymen to fumble through "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot," justifying the decision by praising the band's "preparation and leadership." At any rate, Chip Kelly, Mike Shanahan and Gil Brandt all later claimed credit for having discovered Hill years ago.
Mark Wahlberg: Falling
Wahlberg, acting as emcee for the papal concert in Philadelphia, quipped afterward that while Hill had the voice of an angel, "He whispered in my ear that he loved the movie Ted."
That's actually a cute gag, and it got a laugh. Wahlberg then got a massive case of the I just told the pope an off-color joke yips and turned into an awkward, apologetic wreck. "I told him that was not appropriate for his age. Holy Father, please forgive me," he started, deteriorating into an extended babbling apology about making naughty teddy bear movies, as if the pope: a) doesn't know that Hollywood movies contain objectionable content; and b) understands colloquial English fluently.
That was nothing: You should have heard Wahlberg when he accidentally made a "deflation" remark within earshot of Tom Brady. It's never comfortable watching a grown man drop to his knees and flagellate himself, but those of us who remember "Good Vibrations" know he has much to atone for.
Performance Bonuses
Offensive Line Bonus
On paper, the Falcons don't have much of an offensive line. They shouldn't be able to protect Matt Ryan or keep the running game viable when a quality opponent builds 21-7 and 28-14 leads.
But the Falcons rushed for 158 yards and three touchdowns, while Ryan endured just one sack as the Falcons gradually took over the game against the Cowboys.
So this week's award goes to Jake Matthews, Andy Levitre, Mike Person, Chris Chester, Ryan Schraeder and special guest lineman Patrick DiMarco, the nastiest blocking fullback in the NFL right now.
Special Teams Bonus
Tyler Lockett once again took pressure off the Seahawks offense, returning the opening kickoff of the second half 105 yards.
Richard Sherman gets a share of the bonus for teaming with Lockett in tricking the Bears on a first-quarter punt return. Lockett pretended to fall down catching a punt on the left sideline while Sherman sneaked down the field to catch the punt on the right sideline and return it 64 yards to set up a field goal.
Yes, the Seahawks are putting All-Pros on the punt-return team so they can use trickery to score points against the Bears. Nothing to worry about with that offense, Seahawks fans. Nothing to worry about at all.
Unsung Defensive Hero Bonus
Tyrann Mathieu of the Cardinals will probably get a lot of attention for his two-interception effort against the 49ers. But Preston Brown also had two interceptions and a pick-six. The Bills' inside linebacker is not as well known as the Honey Badger, and he is likely to be upstaged by Bills quarterback Tyrod Taylor and his own coach. So Brown gets this week's bonus.
Mysterious Touch Bonus
Ravens safety Anthony Levine took a direct snap on a fake punt on 4th-and-3. Bengals special teams ace Cedric Peerman tackled Levine at the sticks, forcing a fumble. Levine managed to pounce on his own fumble for a first down. Nothing screams "Ravens football" like a three-yard fumbled fake-punt first down.
Meaningless Fantasy Touchdown Bonus
LeGarrette Blount earns this bonus easily for his final two touchdowns against Florida International.
The Patriots inserted rookie lineman Shaq Mason as a tackle-eligible for Blount's runs and are setting up a long con where they throw a touchdown pass to Mason in the AFC Championship Game. Like Bill Belichick, that strategy is brilliant but not exactly charming.
Gonzo Fantasy Waiver Bid Bonus
Antonio Andrews made the Titans last year as an undrafted rookie from Western Kentucky with a tremendous preseason; he was active for a handful of forgettable games.
Andrews scored a pair of preseason touchdowns this year but made the extended roster as an afterthought.
But now rookie running back David Cobb is on injured reserve, Terrance West was a healthy Week 3 scratch after fumbling last week, and Andrews has been elevated to the most prestigious position in the Titans backfield: the Not Bishop Sankey.
As the Not Sankey, Andrews carried 12 times for 49 yards and a touchdown. Sankey will retain the starting job, but Andrews will get most of the productive and meaningful carries until Cobb gets healthy.
Assuming Devonta Freeman was hoovered up in your league long ago (you don't play with middle schoolers, in other words), Andrews will get some waiver-claim love this week. Be forewarned: The Not Sankey was the Not CJ2K for many years, and nobody ever won a fantasy league with Javon Ringer.
Rishard Matthews (two touchdowns) will also get some waiver love from fantasy gamers eager to get in on that "meaningless touchdown in Dolphins blowout loss" action. Fantasy football can be a little creepy sometimes.
Last Call
Hangover purposely avoided making a big fuss about Tom Brady's 400th touchdown pass, because Brady and Patriots fans are all about wins, not individual accomplishments, so touchdown milestones are meaningless to them.
It would be disrespectful to dwell on a milestone so meaningless that silly-old-washed-up-and-also-undefeated-this-season Peyton Manning passed it in the 2012 season opener, so let's honor the feelings of the Patriots faithful and talk about other things.
Warren Buffett Plays Six Snaps for Dolphins Defense, Drop-Off in Quality Unnoticed
Billionaire octogenarian philanthropist Warren Buffett was seen decked out in an Ndamukong Suh jersey on the Dolphins sideline. Buffett was born in Omaha and went to the University of Nebraska, where he became an outspoken Suh supporter.
Buffett is one of the richest men in the world and one of the cagiest investors in human history, as the following example illustrates:
Miami Dolphins: Invested $60 million guaranteed in Suh, have gotten a return of seven tackles, zero sacks and a pair of alarming losses so far.
Warren Buffett: Invested $99.95 in Suh jersey. Got to hang around an NFL sideline then leave when the game got too lopsided and the weather too sweaty.
Hey, it takes money to make money.
Fire Down Below
The start of the Steelers-Rams game was delayed when the pregame pyrotechnics set the Edward Jones Dome field on fire.
Look, we know the Rams want to move to Los Angeles, but there is no reason to pull a Nero and burn everything down.
Some unreliable witnesses claim to have seen Stan Kroenke playing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" in the owner's box.
If only ancient Rome had fire extinguishers and weird little vacuum cleaners that look like they were taken from the set of The Honeymooners, like the Rams have in their firefighting arsenal.
At least the Rams did the right thing and made sure not to test the post-touchdown fireworks system.
On a related note: The "Plague of Locusts" celebration scheduled for halftime of the Oct. 25 Browns-Rams game has been canceled.
Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.
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