Romo, RG3 and Sanchez: A Field Guide to Quarterback Controversies and Crises

Scientists have isolated the fat gene, the skinny gene, the gambling gene, the lazy gene, the bad breath gene, the date-the-wrong-person gene and the gene that compels you to play Which Television Vampire Are You? (I Got Count Chocula!) games on Facebook. At least, that's the impression I get from reading the scientific journals (i.e. the headlines of supermarket tabloids).

Someday, scientists will isolate the Backup Quarterback is Better (BQB) gene. The gene triggers an automatic response in the brains of thousands of football fans when they see a starting quarterback throw an interception, toss two or three incompletions or wear his hat on the sideline at a too-cocky angle. The BQB gene compels these fans to insist that the backup either gives his team the best chance to win or is a better system fit and convinces these fans the starter only keeps his job because of preferential treatment or refusal by the coach/owner to admit a mistake.

If the starting quarterback is benched, the BQB activates the reward center of the brain and releases endorphins. Unfortunately, the euphoria fades as soon as the brain adjusts to the fact that the backup quarterback is now the starting quarterback, sending the BQB in search of gratification in the form of another quarterback switch.

When scientists isolate the BQB, they will discover that not just fans possess it. Players, coaches and owners also sometimes feel compelled to change quarterbacks for change's sake. Franchise histories have been shaped by BQB genetics. The Jets and Redskins cannot help it: Terrible quarterback decisions are in their DNA.

Roughly half of NFL teams are coping with some kind of quarterback dilemma as the second half of the season begins. Just as we may someday discover a genetic treatment that keeps grown men from daydreaming about Kirk Cousins, we are close to cracking the quarterback controversy classification code. Some of the issues are injury-related, while some are old-fashioned controversies; many are a mix of both.

Quarterback dilemmas can be classified a variety of ways: controversies, crises, catastrophes, comedies, orderly changings of the guard or messy coups. Some dilemmas come with high stakes—the playoffs or a franchise's future is in doubt—while others are just something to fill air time on midday shows. Some are exacerbated by an overstimulated media market; others take place in Tennessee.

Let's examine some of the most important, interesting or ridiculous of the current quarterback conundrums with a clinical eye. The goal is to separate the controversies and crises that matter from the ones that exist to satisfy the BQB compulsion. Don't be a victim of genetics: Make smart quarterback controversy choices!

Dallas Cowboys

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Nutshell: Tony Romo has a back injury that may sideline or limit him. Brandon Weeden has a severe case of Brandon Weeden.

Category: Crisis, potential catastrophe.

Short-term stakes: Very high. The Cowboys are a Super Bowl contender with Tony Romo but risk missing the playoffs without him. (Man, that sentence felt weird to type.) Jerry Jones, who was this close to receiving unanimous genius accolades when his top-heavy roster was fully healthy, was seen running around the parking lot of AT&T Stadium ranting like Richard III. "Kyle Orton! Kyle Orton! My kingdom for Kyle Orton!"

Long-term stakes: Very high. If Romo suffers another hit, or if his back problems deteriorate the way back problems often do for people in their mid-30s, the Cowboys have no long-range quarterback plan and a massive salary-cap dead money problem to cope with. Remember when all was rosy in Jerry World, about two weeks ago?

Exacerbation: High. Jones remains part-enabler, part Internet troll, and the football world is still split between Cowboys fans and Cowboys haters.

Gawker value: High. Jones logic is not like standard logic because it flows from conclusion back to premise, hence his assurance that Romo should play in next week's London game.

"He's going on the trip to London, and logic tells you that we wouldn't have him make that trip to London and back if we didn't think he was going to play, so it does depend on the type of week he has at practice," Jones said.

In other words, simply putting Romo on a transatlantic flight will force him to become healthy; otherwise, there would be some sort of paradox.

Overall controversy relevance: High. Look, it's hard to think of Romo as the "good" quarterback if you are a chronic BQB sufferer. There was even some better-fit-for-the-system Weeden logic floating around the ecosystem before the Cardinals game. (If all they need is someone to hand off to DeMarco Murray…) Love the Cowboys or hate them, their season and future now rest within Romo's vertebrae.

Philadelphia Eagles

Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Nutshell: In a city where BQB has been inbred into the fanbase, starter Nick Foles' broken collarbone may determine the professional futures of both backup Mark Sanchez and head coach Chip Kelly—and the quarterback himself.

Category: Crisis, potential controversy.

Short-term stakes: Very high. The Eagles are tied for the second-best record in the NFC. Good Sanchez could lead them to a first-round bye. You don't want to know where Bad Sanchez can lead a team.

Long-term stakes: High. A Sanchez Renaissance could prevent Foles from signing a long-term deal next season. For better or worse, that can change the course of the franchise. Sanchez ineptitude would call Kelly's tactics and roster management (Did he ever scout any quarterbacks outside the Pac-12?) into question.

Exacerbation: High. Eagles fans tried to crown A.J. Feeley the Emperor of Philadelphia numerous times, and some were calling for Sanchez at halftime of the season opener against Jacksonville. The Boo Birds may not be what they used to be, but the sports world will notice if quarterback disappointment prompts the phaithful to go Full Metal McNabb.

Gawker value: Moderate. Sanchez brings name recognition, Three Stooges potential and a possible redemption angle, but the Eagles quarterback situation lacks a juicy Michael Vick factor.

Overall controversy relevance: High. The Sanchez experiment will be interpreted as a test of the long-term viability of no-huddle Kelly Ball. If the Eagles offense remains explosive with Sanchez at the helm—and Sunday's game suggests it can be—other teams will look at Kelly's tactics as a way to create a plug 'n' play situation for less-than-stellar quarterbacks. Sanchez practically holds the key to the future of NFL strategy. And you thought that Thanksgiving game two years ago was terrifying.

Houston Texans

Don Wright/Associated Press

Nutshell: Coach Bill O'Brien is chirping about the need to "evaluate everything," starter Ryan Fitzpatrick is inconsistent, backup Ryan Mallett is tweeting about "staying focused" and the Texans are getting harder to watch when J.J. Watt isn't sacking and Arian Foster (now coping with a groin injury) isn't running.

Category: Mild controversy, near inevitability.

Short-term stakes: Moderate. The Texans have a manageable upcoming schedule and an outside shot at a wild-card spot, but a .500 finish would be enough to show the team is heading in the right direction.

Long-term stakes: High. O'Brien doubled down on his Patriots connection by trading for Mallett. His handling of the former Tom Brady heir apparent will either provide filet mignon for the skeptics or indicate that O'Brien can succeed where other Belichick Buddies have failed.

Exacerbation: Moderate. Mallett did not help matters by tweeting and deleting "seize the opportunity." O'Brien has a rebuilding pass, Foster's injury provides an excuse if things go wrong and Watt handles the "face of the franchise" duties, so Mallett could slip into the lineup and figure things out for a few weeks without generating headlines.

Gawker value: Low. It's not like Fitzpatrick is setting the world ablaze or was slated to keep the job until 2023.

Overall controversy relevance: Low. The Mallett story gets most of its juice from the Patriots connection and the numerous failed experiments at turning Belichick-Brady magic into a national restaurant chain. The Texans are undergoing an inevitable changing of the guard, and Tom Savage gives them a built-in third option if everything goes wrong: Unlike some of the lower teams on this list, the Texans won't be in position to grab a top quarterback prospect in the draft.

Washington Redskins

Jim Mone/Associated Press

Nutshell: Dysfunctional people do dysfunctional things in dysfunctional ways.

Category: Controversy, awkward comedy.

Short-term stakes: Very low. For all the strum and drang about Robert Griffin III's "alienation" and a locker room degenerating into a middle school detention hall to show disdain for its quarterback (Let's turn our desks backward during his press conference, then all drop our pencils the first time he says "football"), the Redskins have been out of serious contention since their last People's Choice at quarterback threw four interceptions against the Giants.

Long-term stakes: Very high. If Griffin fails, the Redskins clinch becoming a rudderless franchise that squandered three years and a bushel of high draft picks on fool's gold. Under the circumstances, giving Griffin extra opportunities and benefits of the doubt could be interpreted as managerial wisdom, not favoritism, but an attitude like that ain't gonna generate many page views.

Exacerbation: Very high. Years of front office and locker room skullduggery have made the Redskins such a breeding ground of intrigue that you can usually trace the origin of a rumor based on its pro-coach, pro-Snyder, pro-quarterback or anti-anyone message.

Gawker value: Moderate. The Redskins are incapable of changing quarterbacks without reenacting the French Revolution, but after the third or fourth savior-to-third-string pendulum swing of the decade, it's easy to tune them out.

Overall controversy relevance: Moderate, and out-of-whack with the media attention it receives. Griffin is a LeBron James-level sports superstar who can generate headlines by changing undershirts. Nothing will change his ability to stir controversy or dissension with a bad game, loaded comment or raised eyebrow, not even a Super Bowl. Some franchises and cities are equipped to manage such a superstar. The Redskins are not one of those franchises, and the capital is not one of those cities.

New York Jets

Kathy Willens/Associated Press

Nutshell: It did not seem possible to find a quarterback with a lower completion rate and yards-per-attempt average than Geno Smith, but Michael Vick always exceeds expectations.

Category: Comedy.

Short-term stakes: Very low. The Jets are in position to battle for the first pick in the 2015 draft, so bad quarterbacking may not be a bad thing.

Long-term stakes: Very low. Everybody is probably getting fired at the end of the year, and the new coach/coordinator/general manager will see a low-cost opportunity for a clean sweep. As bad as the Jets quarterback situation may be, no one eats up 20 percent of the salary cap or represents a multi-draft-pick investment.

Exacerbation: Very high. Quarterbacking in New York is like swimming in a double boiler.

Gawker value: Moderate. The Jets are a sitcom trying to keep the torch alive for another season. Percy Harvin is Ted McGinley.

Overall controversy relevance: Low. There was a slim chance that Vick would provide some big-play amusement before starting to make mistakes and absorb hits. That did not happen. There is really nothing to see here, but we are conditioned to keep watching.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

David Richard/Associated Press

Nutshell: Quarterback of the future with no future? Or quarterback of the present with no past? It would be the worst either/or decision you could be forced to make in most situations. But this article runs on Election Day, so it is just another bummer.

Category: Controversy.

Short-term stakes: Low. Like the Jets, the Buccaneers can sink to the sea floor and prepare for the draft.

Long-term stakes: Moderate. Lovie Smith will bear the blame for entering the season with Josh McCown and Mike Glennon as his only quarterback options, though Jeff Tedford's illness may give him a partial pass. Smith cannot let his tenure become defined by quarterback indecision and tail-chasing transactions.

Exacerbation: Low. Western Florida is not exactly New York, Smith has rebuilding and reputation vouchers to cash in with the press, and neither Glennon nor McCown is the kind of guy you lead a mutiny against.

Gawker value: Low. Watching Buccaneers games is like watching concrete set.

Overall controversy relevance: Low. The local media is giving Glennon the "seen enough" treatment, yet he always operates on the verge of being a legit prospect for a team that does not provide much support. The Buccaneers are doing the right thing by giving him a long leash in a lost season. For BQB types seeking their fix, the "right thing" is no fun.

On the back burners

A watched pot never boils, but a watched quarterback crisis typically explodes in an entertaining geyser of scorching, reputation-ruining steam. With that in mind, let's apply our clinical eye to a few more controversies, crises and other conundrums that are just an interception away from whistling like grandma's tea kettle.

Steven Senne/Associated Press

Chicago Bears: Nearly every Bears headline after their double-meltdown against the Dolphins and Patriots and bye-week cooling-off period falls into the "Bears' Troubles Go Well Beyond Jay Cutler" category. That's the headline equivalent of the team owner giving the head coach a vote of confidence in early December. We are two turnovers away from "Bears' Troubles Lie Exclusively at Feet of Jay Cutler."

Overall controversy relevance: High. The Bears should be better than their record, there is no quarterback of the future on the roster and a Cutler benching would mark the end of a frustrating era.

Bob Leverone/Associated Press

Carolina Panthers: No one has been set up to fail like Cam Newton since King David told Uriah: Hey, get out there and win one for the Gipper. I'll look after the missus. Newton's 10-of-28 catastrophe against the Saints would have sparked a full-throttle controversy, except: A) It is obvious Newton's blockers fall backward when pushed hard, and his only decent wide receiver is a massive rookie who drops one pass and blows one route for every highlight-reel reception; and B) It's hard to seriously get behind Derek Anderson.

Overall controversy relevance: Low to moderate. The real action will take place on the Newton-contract-extension front at the end of the season, when the Panthers ask the musical question: "How come you did not put up Andy Dalton numbers while throwing to Jason Avant and Brenton Bersin?"

David Richard/Associated Press

Cleveland Browns: It's impossible for Brian Hoyer to throw an interception without a reaction shot of Johnny Manziel on the bench. It's like there's an automatic button on the television director's mixing board. Hoyer-versus-Manziel is the controversy America wants, but the schedule keeps throwing Hoyer Raiders and Buccaneers softballs, and he keeps hitting ground-rule doubles, if not homers.

Mike Pettine and Kyle Shanahan deserve credit for keeping a steady hand, and Browns management has wisely found a middle ground between ordering Manziel into the lineup (it would have been easy after the Jaguars game) and giving Hoyer the kind of mistake contract the Bills gave Fitzpatrick a few years ago. But there's a lot of football left to play, and the Browns have a long history of writing tragic endings for sagas like these.

Overall controversy relevance: Moderate. The Browns have a reasonable chance to reach the playoffs, and the franchise's future is, as usual, at stake. By the way, can you imagine Manziel tweeting something about "seizing the opportunity"? Twitter would go supernova.

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.