2012 NFL Draft: What Would a Nightmare Dolphins Draft Look Like?

Bizarro Jeff Ireland gave you the dream draft. Now Evil Bizarro Ireland gives you the nightmare.

Perhaps fueled by the "Fireland" banner flying overhead during Miami's final home game last season, or perhaps because he is simply evil incarnate, this moribund general manager has executed the worst possible draft.

Again, we are constrained by reality—the worst possible draft would involve trading every pick away for nothing to the New York Jets, but David Stern would likely step in and veto this at some point.

Round 1

Pick: Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa

Evil Ireland tried very hard to mortgage the farm for Ryan Tannehill, but his plans were foiled somehow. Stuck at No. 8, Ireland does what he does best in the first round: draft an offensive lineman.

While the Dolphins need to upgrade the right side of their line—particularly now that New York subway turnstile Marc Colombo has retired. 

Reiff was once a popular player to mock in the first round for Miami, but needs changed when evil Ireland sabotaged free agency traded away Brandon Marshall and failed to sign Peyton Manning and Matt Flynn. Reiff also had an underwhelming combine, and we learned he has the arms of a T-Rex.

That does not stop Ireland from drafting the best offensive tackle available here in the first round, kicking off this nightmare of a draft.

Round 2

Pick: Brock Osweiler, QB, Arizona State

You might have thought Miami's interest in the big quarterback was a smokescreen, but that is what evil Ireland wanted you to think.

Out of all the scenarios surrounding drafting a quarterback, this could be the worst one. Osweiler has potential, just like any other prospect, but the Arizona State product is just too raw to be seriously considered in the second round.

Evil Ireland goes with the inspired history of drafting quarterbacks in the second round. After all, he feels that Chad Henne could be a starter in the NFL. John Beck and Pat White are still thanking him for the millions they stole after being drafted in the second round.

This is probably the most nightmarish-yet-probable pick in the draft for the Dolphins. May Don Shula have mercy on Ireland's soul if it happens.

Round 3

Pick 1: Orson Charles, TE, Georgia

Stubbornness leads to this pick.

Charles was hailed as arguably the best tight end in this year's class before the NFL Scouting Combine. Some poor results there and at his pro day have sunk Charles' stock, along with an arrest for DUI. That does not stop Ireland from thinking he is getting a steal here.

At 6'3", Charles was once seen as the next Aaron Hernandez. Unfortunately, Charles does not show the speed or prowess as a receiver that Hernandez possesses. 

While he may be a decent option for the "joker" tight-end position, this is a waste of a relatively high draft pick.

Pick 2: Olivier Vernon, DE, Miami

After an underwhelming and tumultuous tenure with the Hurricanes, Vernon suddenly finds his draft stock rising. That is a good thing for his wallet, and a bad one for the Dolphins in this case.

At under 6'3", Vernon is undersized for the position. Considering he does not have excellent speed or strength, he makes for a risky pick as a pass-rusher. Perhaps Vernon is worth a later-round pick, but after passing on a pass-rusher until now, the general manager decides to go with a "sleeper."

No matter. Evil Ireland has thrown risk to the wind.

Round 4

Pick: Jeff Fuller, WR, Texas A&M

Not only is this too high for Fuller, but he is just an all-around terrible pick for the Dolphins.

The former Aggie has good size for the position at 6'4", but that is about it. Ryan Tannehill was victimized by an incredible number of drops by his receivers while at A&M, and Fuller was a main culprit.

Fuller's ceiling is "decent possession receiver." He is not terribly fast, nor does he separate particularly well. He is a poor man's Mike Williams.

Taking him in the fourth here is just plain sinister.

Round 5

Pick: Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State

Leave it to evil Ireland to rescue the draft's biggest faller here.

Burfict was impressive in 2010, but a terrible 2011 campaign and subsequent offseason have some draftniks wondering if he will be drafted at all. He had a horrific combine, which was just the beginning of his downfall.

The former Sun Devil is not particularly bright or hard-working. Perhaps evil Ireland is just trying to make himself look better by comparison.

Round 6

Pick: Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State

Nothing screams "winner" like hedging your bet at quarterback.

After taking Osweiler in the second round, the sinister Mr. Ireland does just that here by taking Moore in the sixth round.

Another candidate to go undrafted, Moore does bring intangibles to the table. He was 50-3 as a starter in college, a NCAA/FBS record. He was also accurate, completing 74.3 percent of his passes as a senior.

The problem here is that Moore is barely 6'0" and does not crack 200 pounds. He also has questionable arm strength that will be exposed by better, faster defenses in the NFL.

Round 7

Pick: Cliff Harris, CB, Oregon

If only Harris was as fast as he drives.

Having his license suspended for driving 118 mph, Harris was suspended from the Oregon Ducks after previous legal issues. He then had a poor pro day, all but flushing him out of the draft. Harris is a poster child for poor decision-making with your future on the line. 

Wait. What's this? Is it a bird? Or a plane? No, it's evil Jeff Ireland swooping in to take the fallen star with what he thinks is another steal!