NFL Power Rankings: Giving Every Team a Song to Describe Their Season

We are now a quarter of the way through the NFL season and we are just beginning to figure out which teams are for real and which ones are pretenders.  

But simply breaking down every NFL team can get kind of boring, so I decided to let music do the explaining for me by assigning every NFL team a song that describes their season thus far.  

So starting with the worst team in the NFL, here are my Week 5 power rankings.

32. St Louis Rams: Rock You Like a Hurricane, Scorpion

The Rams are the worst team in the NFL right now.  The Rams O-line is so porous it seems like Sam Bradford gets rocked every time he drops back.  

Rock You Like a Hurricane is the perfect song for the Rams because no matter how bad their opponent, the Rams and Bradford are going to get rocked like a hurricane every week.

31. The Minnesota Vikings: Give It Away, Red Hot Chili Peppers

I feel bad putting the Vikings this low on the list because they have honestly been in every game so far, but they always manage to find a way to lose.  

The Vikings might be the most frustrating team in the NFL this season because they have lost four games by an average of less than five points.  The sad fact is that no matter how talented they are, they always find a way to give the game away at the end.  

That is why this RHCP song fits the team perfectly.

30. The Miami Dolphins: Help!, the Beatles

The 0-4 Dolphins are in trouble and just for the reasons you'd think.  

Before the season, Chad Henne was the target of most Dolphins fans' ire, but he hasn't actually been the worst part of the team this season.  The defense has underperformed drastically, the coach is a lame duck and they can't figure out who the starting running back is.  The Dolphins need help and not just at the quarterback position.  

The Beatles can sympathize.

29. The Indianapolis Colts: Baby Come Back, Player

Poor Colts fans.  They have experienced an unprecedented run of success in the last decade due almost entirely to Peyton Manning's brilliance at the quarterback position, but now he's gone and so is that run of excellence.  

The Colts need Peyton back in a big way and they "just can't live without" him.

28. The Seattle Seahawks: Sad but True, Metallica

The Seattle Seahawks are a bad team.  They were a bad team last year that made the playoffs only because of the incredible weakness of the NFC West.  This year they aren't even the best team in the worst division in the league.  

The reality for Seahawks fans is sad but true: hey that's the name of this song!

27. Kansas City Chiefs: Fell on Black Days, Soundgarden

Last year the chiefs were a surprise division winner and that came with big expectations for this year. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, everything has fallen apart.  Their all-world running back Jamaal Charles is out for the year, as is their stud safety Eric Berry.  

Now at 1-3 the Chiefs certainly have fallen on black days.

26. Denver Broncos: Better Man, Pearl Jam

Let's face it, the Broncos' season has basically been boiled down to when and in what capacity is Tim Tebow going to play.  

Many people think that he isn't a worthy NFL QB, but honestly between Brady Quinn and Kyle Orton the Broncos can't find a "better man" at the position.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars: I Would Do Anything for Love, Meatloaf

The Jaguars season isn't over yet, but the fans may not even know that its started.  The Jaguars have one of the worst fanbases in sports and they are frequently in in the middle of relocation talks.  The Jaguars would do anything for love, but they won't do that (drafting Tim Tebow last year).

24. Arizona Cardinals: Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd

Before retiring after the 2009-2010 postseason, Kurt Warner had led the Cardinals to two consecutive playoff berths and a Super Bowl appearance.  He turned their passing offense into a juggernaut and he helped Larry Fitzgerald get the recognition he deserves as a top 5 wide receiver in this league.  Without Warner, the Cardinals have returned to sub-mediocrity.  They have struggled to find an even passable QB and traded their best corner to the Eagles to get a decent at best Kevin Kolb.  

Needless to say the Cardinals really wished Warner was back on their team.

23. Cleveland Browns: Turn the Page, Bob Seger

It's the same old Browns.  They aren't terrible, but they aren't good and they aren't a piece away.  It seems the Browns are constantly rebuilding (apart from one fluke year when Derek Anderson inexplicably was good).  Browns fans must be tired and not thrilled about going on, but they know they just have to keep turning the page, hoping that this time it leads to the promised land.

22. Carolina Panthers: My Hero, Foo Fighters

Last year's worst team has gotten exciting all at once thanks to one man: Cam Newton.  

Cam Newton may be working on the best rookie season for a quarterback in history.  

They only have one win, but the Panthers have looked impressive and if they can add the right pieces for next year, Cam Newton might be a hero of more than just the regular season.

21. Philadelphia Eagles: Dazed and Confused, Led Zepplin

The supposed dream team is 1-3 and doesn't look good on either side of the ball.  It isn't because we misjudged the talent—Mike Vick, Desean Jackson, Lesean McCoy, Nnamdi Asomugha and Asante Samuel are all great players—it's because the whole team is out of sync.  

The offense hasn't gotten into a rhythm all season and the defense hasn't figured out how to stop the run or not blow coverages.  Dazed and Confused is the perfect description for this disappointing Eagles team.

20. Cincinnati Bengals: Breaking the Law, Judas Priest

The Bengals are a decent team, but boy do they love to break the law.  This year alone Cedric Benson has served a jail sentence for domestic violence and WR Jerome Simpson was caught with weed in his house.  

I guess there is just something about Cincinnati.

19. Atlanta Falcons: Yesterday, the Beatles

The Atlanta Falcons have not been a good team this year and it is inexplicable.  It is basically the same team that won 13 games last year except with the addition of star rookie receiver Julio Jones.  The addition of Jones has only improved the wideout situation so he can't be the reason for the decline.  

For whatever reason this Falcons team has their fans longing for the past.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers, for Whom the Bell Tolls, Metallica

The Steelers' defense got old fast.  They have had difficulty stopping both the run and the pass and look very unlike the unit that went to the Super Bowl last year.  

Everyone gets old eventually and the bell is now tolling for the Steelers' defense, signaling that their run of dominance is coming to an end.

17. New York Jets: Operation Ground and Pound, DragonForce

Mark Sanchez clearly has some more developing left to do before he can be fully relied on at quarterback.  The Jets need to realize this and take some of the pressure off him by running the ball more.  

This is going to be difficult with Nick Mangold injured, but the Jets identity needs to be that of a running team if they want to win.

16. Dallas Cowboys: Who Are You?, the Who

At this point in the season, the Cowboys have looked awful at times and great at times—often in the same game.  What everyone really should want to know is which team the Cowboys are.  

Are they the team who toughed out a win against the Redskins and the team that went up 27-3 on the Lions?  Or are they the team that choked a win away against the Jets and then choked away that same 27-3 lead they had on the Lions? 

I don't know the answer, so I'll just ask the Cowboys: Who are you?

15. San Francisco 49ers: Life in the Fast Lane

The 49ers aren't a great team, but they are pretty good and in the NFC West that should be enough to coast to the division title.  At 3-1 the 49ers are the only NFC West team to look decent, so getting to the playoffs while deserving teams in other divisions miss it should be like driving a minivan in the carpool lane and speeding by a bunch of Mercedes' stuck in traffic.

14. Oakland Raiders: Born to Run, Bruce Springsteen

The Oakland Raiders may have the best running back in the league.  I'm not joking, Darren McFadden could be that good.  McFadden is averaging 6.2 YPC and has two 150+ yard games despite not getting 25 carries in either game.  The Raiders' other running back, Michael Bush has been fine as well with three touchdowns in four games.  

If the Raiders are going to contend for the playoffs they will have to lean on Run DMC and Bush the entire season.

13. Chicago Bears: Tubthumping, Chumbawamba

Jay Cutler has been sacked 15 times in 4 games, which is second in the NFL only to Sam Bradford who was mentioned earlier.  The difference between the two QBs this season has been the fact that after getting knocked down Jay Cutler gets right back up and put his team in a position to win.  

The Bears have lost two games, but those came at the hands of the Packers and Saints, two very good teams.  Jay Cutler has been called soft, but I have never seen that.  He stands in there to make the play, even if it means taking a huge hit.  Then he gets right back up and does it again.

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Use Somebody, Kings of Leon

The Bucs are a pretty good team, but there is nothing exciting about them.  They have good players like Legarrette Blount and Josh Freeman, but they aren't stars just good players on a good team.  The Buccaneers could use a game-breaking talent to bring them to the next level of the NFL particularly in the receiving corps, which is rather lackluster.

11. Tennessee Titans: Man in the Box, Alice in Chains

Okay the meaning of this song has nothing to do with the Tennessee Titans, but the title does and it's a good song, so why not?  The Titans have shown that they can pass the ball successfully with Matt Hasselbeck, the now injured Kenny Britt and Nate Washington.  What they have struggled doing so far is getting Chris Johnson going in part because of the men that other teams have in the box against the run.

10. Washington Redskins: Outshined, Soundgarden

The Redskins are 3-1 and tied for 1st in their division.  At times this season they have looked like the best team in their division, but they get very little credit.  This is largely due to the fact that they are getting outshined by the flashier teams in their division like Philadelphia and Dallas.  

Despite the disrespect, the Redskins have played better than these two more talked about teams.

9. New York Giants: Alive, Pearl Jam

It seems like the Giants have been through everything this season.  Almost their entire secondary has been injured as well as some key players in the defensive front seven.  To top that off both Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham have been hurt.  The Giants also needed to stage a furious comeback in Arizona in order to win this week.  

Despite all of the obstacles they have encountered thus far the Giants are 3-1 and still very much alive in the hunt for the postseason.

8. San Diego Chargers: Two out of Three Ain't Bad, Meatloaf

The San Diego Chargers have been great on defense and offense going back to last year, but their Achilles heal has been Special Teams, the often forgotten part of the game.  I don't think I have ever seen Special Teams kill a team more than it killed the Chargers last year.  This year the Chargers Special Teams gave up a touchdown to Percy Harvin on their very first kickoff of the season.  Oh and did I mention that their field goal kicker Nate Kaeding is potentially out for the season?  

Don't worry Chargers fans, two out of three is still good enough for the eighth spot in my power rankings.

7. Buffalo Bills: The Times They Are a-Changin', Bob Dylan

The Buffalo Bills are no longer a doormat for the AFC East.  They have a potent offense that can run and throw equally well.  Ryan Fitzpatrick and Stevie Johnson are a really fun Quarterback to Wide Receiver combo and Fred Jackson has proven that he is a good running back in this league.  They have already defeated their archenemy the New England Patriots and at 3-1 they are tied for the AFC East lead.  

The times certainly are changing in Buffalo.

P.S. the video is a cover of the song by Eddie Vedder.  I chose this video because he just does it better than Dylan or anyone else.

6. Baltimore Ravens: Bat out of Hell, Meatloaf

Yes I know that's three Meatloaf songs now, but they all fit perfectly.  

The Ravens defense has looked even sharper than it has in the last few years.  The defense scored three TDs against the Jets last week and also throttled the Steelers and Rams.  The Ravens' only blemish this year is a letdown loss to the Titans, but otherwise they have looked completely dominant.

5. Houston Texans: With or Without You, U2

The Houston Texans are on of the elite teams in the NFL this season and that is with or without Arian Foster.  They were 2-1 without him and the only loss came on the road to the Saints in a game that saw the Texans put up 33 points.  When Foster returned this week he had a great game and was the first offensive star against the Steelers.  

The Texans are a great team with Foster hurt or healthy, but they are obviously much better when he's on the roster.

4. Detroit Lions: Back in Black, ACDC

The Detroit Lions are the ultimate comeback team.  A few years ago they were winless, now they are one of only two remaining undefeated teams in the NFL.  In addition to coming back in the standings, they have also shown a knack for coming back in individual games.  They successfully pulled off furious comebacks against both the Vikings and Cowboys this season.  

Don't ever sleep on these Lions because they've proven they'll come back.

3. New Orleans Saints: Here I Go Again, Whitesnake

Drew Brees is doing it again.  

Drew Brees is once again putting the whole city of New Orleans on his back.  

The Saints offense is incredible and they are one play away from knocking off the defending champs.  

Who knows if the Saints are going to the Super Bowl, but we know that if they do, it'll be Drew Brees doing it almost all by himself.

2. New England Patriots: F*ck You, Cee Lo Green

Bill Belichick runs up the score, he goes for it on 4th down, he plays his starters after clinching everything, he trades all his draft picks and oh yeah he wins, a lot.  

Belichick and the Pats don't care about what anyone thinks, they do what they do and say "F*ck You" to everyone else.  And I have to admit its working.

P.S. Every time Bill Belichick says "no comment" I bet he's thinking "F*ck You."

1. Green Bay Packers: Simply the Best, Tina Turner

What else can I say about the Packers?  They have the hottest QB in the league, one of the best wide receivers, one of the best tight ends, an opportunistic defense and a Super Bowl swagger.  

Right now the Packers are, quite simply, the best.