The Extraordinary Guide to Week 2 of the NFL
Hi, I'm Brendan O’Hare, NFL Featured Columnist. I can also juggle. Okay, I can’t juggle, but I like football and I am enthralled that I get to write about it on a consistent basis here at Bleacher Report.
What I have just decided to do, is have a weekly segment called “Guide to NFL Week X” (X doesn’t mean Week 10; x is an algebraic tool used to show where different values go). This guide will be about more than just football. It will also be about life and how not to suck at it.
Think of it is a weekly man’s “The Help," with more poop jokes (if that’s even possible!).
Here, I will give you a guide to the players, teams, coaches, refs, network mascots, etc. that are affecting this weekend’s slate of games. The archetype of the column will be forever morphing, so don’t get used to it.
If there is another subcategory you’d like to see, tell us! This is for you guys, not just my stupid selfish needs. If you have anything you think we should add or would like to complain about, either put it in the comments or email me (email@example.com).
The Games That Are Affecting America
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Seattle Seahawks
Apparently, the world has felt a need to sedate us with endless "Don't Worry, the Steelers Are Okay" columns. The fact that these were ubiquitous throughout the front pages of the Internet is mildly surprising. It's only Week 1. No one should be panicking or having brief anxiety attacks.
Sure, the Steelers defense looked old and decrepit last Sunday. Sure, linebacker Lawrence Timmons had the lateral movement of a cryogenically frozen man. Sure, Troy Polamalu was given a new contract despite the fact that another concussion will have him sponsored by V8.
Shortness of breath...
Okay, let's move on.
Buffalo Bills vs. Oakland Raiders
Can Ryan Fitzpatrick lead his Mobile Riverine Force to another offensive explosion? Probably not.
It is nice to see Bills fans have something to do not cry about, but believing that the Bills can continue to score 40 points a game, or even 20, is wishful thinking. Not to bash the Bills here, but they are essentially the same offense that putt-putted their way through games last season.
They won’t keep it up, even against a lifeless Raider defense.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Minnesota Vikings
This has a chance to be one of the worst games of the week, as it is pretty obvious the Buccaneers are this year’s (along with the Chiefs) “Fluke Team," and the Vikings are about as offensively capable as Operation Eagle Claw.
Look out for an exciting 17-7 game, where fans are rushed to the hospital with bleeding corneas.
Arizona Cardinals vs. Washington Redskins
It is possible that the Redskins, led by Rex Grossman, could be 2-0 after this game.
The Cardinals may have the worst pass defense in football, a week after Cam Newton anointed himself as “The Player Most Likely To Throw for 125 Yards in Week 2 Since the Cardinals Are So God-Awful."
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New York Jets
Should be an easy win for the Jets—unless Maurice Jones-Drew cut-blocks Darrelle Revis with a machete.
Chicago Bears vs. New Orleans Saints
This will be a bounce-back game for the Saints, whose porous pass defense shouldn’t have much to worry about in this game.
Look for Jay Cutler to throw three to four interceptions, two to three water coolers, eight to nine temper tantrums and three to four dirty looks to faceless fans.
Green Bay Packers vs. Carolina Panthers
Can Cam Newton, "Boy Jesus," sustain his record-bringing string of breaking records?
Perhaps, due to the fact that the Packers will likely take an early 17-0 lead, forcing the Panthers to pass until Dr. James Andrews personally removes Newton from the game. Will Charles Woodson pick off Newton four times? It's definitely a possibility.
Baltimore Ravens vs. Tennessee Titans
After watching the Ravens dismantle my beloved Steelers last Sunday, I am legitimately worried. I am worried for the health of Tennessee quarterback Matt Hasslebeck, who really shouldn’t be allowed to be tackled by Terrelle Suggs anymore.
The Ravens are a defense always in motion and will likely cause the offensive linemen of the Titans to bowl over in confusion and dismay. Kenny Britt will be arrested for an on-field incident this season.
Cleveland Browns vs. Indianapolis Colts
Colt McCoy is the best quarterback in this game. End of story.
Dallas Cowboys vs. San Francisco 49ers
If the Cowboys start the season 0-2, well, that will give me a lot of material to write about. There is nothing football writers love more than deciding whether or not the Cowboys are having a season worth executing. Last year’s atrocious start was responsible for about 45 percent of the words written during the 2010 season by NFL sportswriters. I need more material—complaining about the Personal Conduct Policy can’t cut it every week!
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Denver Broncos
Thank God I don’t live in these media markets. I’d rather watch clips of Snooki/Deena making out than watch this game, which is a risky thing for me to say if there are any Jersey Shore fans reading this.
New England Patriots vs. San Diego Chargers
NFL SUPER-FUN GAME LOCK OF THE WEEK SPONSORED BY FREEDOM.
This game will be the best of the week, unless Brady does one of those things so characteristic of him, where he jumps out to an early lead in “Games of the Week."
I’ve seen him do that countless times against the Steelers and no one goes home happy, especially the folks at CBS who endlessly pimp out the game.
Miami Dolphins vs. Houston Texans
Indifference. Doesn't even deserve a photo.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Atlanta Falcons
Did you know Michael Vick used to play for the Atlanta Falcons then went home to take naps and kill dogs? Oh, you did? I thought maybe that news hadn’t gotten to you yet.
St. Louis Rams vs. New York Giants
If you thought the Raiders/Broncos Monday Night Football game last week wasn’t boring enough, we've got the game for you!
Players Who Will Have Your Love and Admiration by Tuesday Morning
Colt McCoy, Michael Vick, Aaron Rodgers, Rex Grossman, Darren McFadden, Mike Wallace, Brandon Pettigrew—they will all have great fantasy days, even if I am not playing this year. I figured it would be nice for me to tell you who to start just in case you didn’t know Rodgers should be starting against the Carolina Panthers.
Thing to Read on Sunday Morning
Not really NFL-related, but The Atlantic’s story on "The Shame of College Sports" is truly awesome and could be the beginning of the end for the NCAA. Get familiar, fool.
Team with DEFCON 5 Panic Level
Indianapolis Colts. I wasn’t going to institute this thing until next week, but the Colts are just so obviously doomed for the rest of the season. God speed, Peyton Manning.
Quick question: Will Manning have any Frankenstein neck scars? If so, I think Peyton’s run as “NFL Pitchman Extraordinaire” may be over.
The Rate of the Most Exciting Play in Sports
Week 1 NFL touchback rate: 48.8 percent.
Brendan's Eliminator Pick
Zerkle is doing a suicide poll here, so I decided to be a good fellow Bleacher Report employee and play. Last week I picked the Cardinals and was right, so I live to see another day and will not have to continuously berate myself.
This Week's Pick: Pittsburgh over Seattle. It will be impossible for Pittsburgh to lose this game, due to the fact that head coach Mike Tomlin will personally torture everyone on the roster if that happens. I am so scared of Tomlin, I'm pretty sure his handshake would turn my hand into a jelly.
Brendan's Picks Against the Spread
Come back Saturday afternoon, as I likely will have summoned the courage to finally submit another sub-.500 week.
UPDATED: Here are the crappy picks for this week.
Record this Season: 7-9
See you all next week and I hope you enjoyed the first installation of this super-fun column.