The 15 Funniest Sports-Related Reality Shows We Want to See
From Hard Knocks to Khloe and Lamar, sports and reality television have merged in the past to offer fans compelling—or in the case of Khloe and Lamar, totally unnecessary—entertainment options.
Even Shawn Marion is getting in on the act, apparently working on a reality show about his life, and the women in it. That sounds really intriguing.
And by intriguing, I mean boring as dirt.
But it got me to thinking—what sports-related shows would I want to see? What hilarious programming could athletes, sports personalities and front offices provide for fans?
A warning—there are some athletes here you might expect to see that won't make this list. Some NFL players, for example, may already have some humorous jobs lined up. Other notorious athletes may have some funny summer blockbusters they are in the midst of completing.
But for others who don't have alternate plans this summer, it's time to get real.
15. America's Next Top Model (Starring Adam Morrison)
This is just mean, isn't it?
14. Kim and Kris Get Married!
A reality show leading up to Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries wedding will probably happen.
And will somehow get huge ratings.
And will be undeniably stupid.
But it's probably going to happen.
13. Investing with Lenny Dykstra
Here's the show: Lenny Dykstra is given a ton of money to invest for people or to use in start-up companies for himself.
Cameras follow him around in his day-to-day activities, documenting the seemingly endless illegal acts he commits with other people's money.
Then, the cameras follow him into jail, where he begins writing letters to the New York Post claiming a conspiracy theory against him.
If this isn't the definition of reality television, I don't know what is.
12. The Amazing Sausage Race
Sure, the Klement's Racing Sausages at Miller Park seem like fun-loving folks that bring fans a whole lot of laughs and entertainment before the bottom of the sixth.
But the competition is far more intense than it would appear and carries into the personal lives of the sausages.
Follow the cameras into the shady underworld of the Racing Sausages after the game, as they bet on games of Russian Roulette with one another, take more drugs than a Grateful Dead fan and resort to fisticuffs over arguments about women.
But they also break down, revealing to the cameras the pressure to win the race while representing the hopes and dreams of their particular style of sausage and the culture it derives from.
These Racing Sausages bear a heavy responsibility, and they live a lifestyle that would make Charlie Sheen blush. Luckily for you, the cameras have caught it all!
(Obviously, none of what I just wrote is anywhere close to being true. But I wish it was—oh, how I wish it was.)
11. The Akili Heel
What ever happened to Akili Smith, the monumental bust from the 1999 NFL draft?
A bunch of really bored Cincinnati Bengals fans—and believe me, if you are a Bengals fan, you must be fairly bored to put yourself through their tortured history—decide to find out.
First, they travel to Cal, where Smith is a graduate assistant for Jeff Tedford.
Chances are, the show will get cancelled rather quickly, as Smith has a habit of disappointing fans of his work.
10. Drinking with the Kegasus
I just want this Kegasus character to have his own reality show involving alcohol in some manner. Perhaps it could be like Insomniac with Dave Attell.
In fact, that is exactly what it should be like. Just this Kegasus character, going around to bars, drinking in character, and saying ridiculous things, maybe talking sports with other drunk patrons to keep with the sports theme.
Maybe it doesn't speak highly of me, but I would watch that, and I'm fairly certain I would love it.
9. Cheaters: College Football Edition
Watch as a private detective is brought in to uncover the multitude of recruiting violations and various infractions that occur at college football programs such as Ohio State and USC.
Ambitiously, the show has already been scheduled for 120 episodes, which coincidentally is the number of Division 1 FBS football schools.
Also, discussion are taking place for a similar program following around Division 1 college programs such as UConn and Tennessee. We'll miss you, Bruce Pearl!
8. The Biggest Loser Starring Andre Smith
(Go to 0:40 on the video)
This image, from Alabama's Pro Day in 2009, is permanently burned into my mind. I wake up screaming at night, in a cold sweat, with flashbacks of this 40-yard dash.
So obviously, I had to pay back Andre Smith by making this joke. Justice is served.
7. Conspiracy Tracker with David Kahn
Without explicitly stating it—or perhaps simply making a joke—Minnesota GM David Kahn recently hinted at an NBA conspiracy to allow certain teams to win the NBA draft lottery.
Watch as Kahn investigates some of the more popular conspiracy theories in sports, such as Michael Jordan temporarily retiring to avoid a suspension for his gambling problems or that the NBA fixed the 2002 Western Conference finals between the Lakers and Kings to get the Lakers—and the higher ratings they would likely bring—into the NBA Finals.
Come to think of it, most of Kahn's investigations will likely revolve around the NBA and boxing. And all shall be revealed, my friends...
6. Combating Crime with Ray Lewis
Ray Lewis wants you to know something—if the NFL lockout continues into the season, crime in this country will rise. Ray Lewis is pretty sure if somebody were to compile statistics about this, it would prove his point.
Well, Ray Lewis can't allow that to happen. Ray Lewis needs to take action.
Watch as Ray Lewis becomes a cop on the streets of Baltimore, battling the inevitable crime spree that is surely coming this September. But Ray Lewis doesn't need a gun or a night stick, oh no—Ray Lewis only needs his football uniform, pads, and excellent tackling form.
This September, Ray Lewis will tackle crime.
5. Sports Betting with Harold Camping
Alright, so he's not an athlete, but Harold Camping is "relevant" right now, so he gets included. And I think it would be great if we gave the man who continues to incorrectly predict the end of the world his own sports betting show!
But not just any sort of sports betting, oh no—this would be outrageous betting! Like predicting when Barry Bonds' soul will spontaneously combust in hellfire flames for his sins against baseball. Or when Derek Jeter's soul will spontaneously combust in hellfire flames for his womanizing ways.
Or when the NFL lockout will end.
This has "unintentional comedic gold" written all over it. Plus, no one will ever know how long the show will last, as every episode could be the last before Camping ascends to heaven.
4. Bernard Hopkins Talks from an Island on a Lake on an Island...
Obviously, sports fans everywhere love it when Bernard Hopkins bashes Donovan McNabb. Obviously, the opinions of a man like Hopkins—who has spent over 20 years being struck in the head—are valued by all.
Thus, why not give him his own reality show where he can talk about whatever (Donovan McNabb) it is he would like to talk about?
But here's the rub—let's host the show on an island on a lake on an island on a lake on an island!
Wait, what? Watch this, and you'll understand. It's basically the Inception of geographic occurrences. And it seems like the sort of remote place from where Bernard Hopkins' opinions come from in the first place.
3. Sports Apprentice
Listen, I don't want to see Donald Trump get even more television time either. But I would like to see him host a "Sports Apprentice" with several owners of major American sports teams, namely for one reason:
I want to hear him say "You're fired!" to the Maloofs, Frank McCourt, Fred Wilpon, Donald Sterling, and whoever happens to own the Pirates at any given time (currently Robert Nutting).
There is a huge list of owners that deserve to be on this show, and while one man would ultimately win "Sports Apprentice," sports fans everywhere lose no matter what.
2. Bulking and Hulking with Jose Canseco
Here is the premise of the show: Jose Canseco and a bunch of struggling athletes lift weights together and do steroids. Then, those athletes are put through ridiculous challenges that test their ability to deal with anger.
For example, one challenge could require them to work in a fast food restaurant for an afternoon that has been planted with hired actors who act as rude as possible to the juicers. The first person to freak out and attempt to rip somebody's head off would be kicked off of the show.
It's Boiling Points, but with steroids! Plus, every episode someone will probably get the crap kicked out of them by a juiced, wannabe athlete, leading to an exciting arrest scene.
That's good television, if you ask me.
1. Big Brother: The ESPN House
What happens when you lock a bunch of television personalities in a house together and only allow them to see one another and study sports?
But be careful, ESPN personalities—any sexual harassment or politically incorrect statements will get you kicked out of the house.
Just ask Sean Salisbury.